How to be alone

bookchaser · 2026-04-18T06:37:25+00:00

Anyone else make it through this?

I went through a similar situation, also in Humboldt (I clicked over from your recent post).

I met my wife in college and we were together our entire adult lives. We also separated in December, but the December before the pandemic began in March.

She stayed under the same roof during shelter-in-place. She lived in half the house separated by a door. I was with my kids, and the kitchen, in the other half. Cramped, to say the least. I had to donate a bunch of household stuff that wouldn't fit into the new living arrangement. She made a makeshift kitchen in the laundry room. I, too, knew when she was seeing men.

The situation quickly became untenable, especially for her. She spent every weekend with her boyfriend who lived hours away. She didn't want to hear anything happening on my side of the house, which was usually my kids. She paid a contractor to replace the solid door with two solid doors in the same door frame, which was costly and weird. Locks on both doors, of course.

Just knowing she was over there, even if alone, caused anxiety. I was most at peace when she was not in the house.

Am I ok asking her to just go already? She’ll be leaving her dog - she’s my dog too but I do all the daily care.

Your ex staying in an RV on the property is not a long-term solution. It will harm your mental health. My ex finally moving out was the solution for both of us.

If it's really "her dog" she'll need to decide the dog's fate.

Asking your ex to leave is a difficult issue. For child custody, the advice is to not be the one who leaves the home. If you co-own a house, she has a right to stay until there is a divorce agreement. If she feels she's to blame for the marriage failure, like if she cheated on you, she might be more amenable to leaving. If you both rent, with both peoples' names on the rental agreement, yeah, all you can do is ask.

How do I find comfort in this?

Comfort never arrives. But you will get used to it, and experience other good feelings. Calmness, for one. Enjoying everyday things again. For me, it took a year of therapy.

It was a revelation for me to go on a date, be in a car, and have a pleasant drive with the woman next to me. I had normalized the toxic nature of my marriage for so long, I discovered I'd been depressed for many years. Now that I was seeing a therapist, that began to improve.

One of my kids is grown and flown. The other is in high school, and loud around the house. I enjoy the couple hours of quiet I get before he comes home from afternoon sports practice. But when he'd be gone for visitation it would get me down. These days, my ex lives out-of-county and sees him for an afternoon once or twice a month. I do worry how I'll fare when he leaves for college.

How do I keep my feelings in check and be mature?

Keep things professional. Getting angry or otherwise emotional in communicating with her only makes things worse for you... both before you have a divorce agreement, and afterward. Also don't bad talk her in front of your kids. Don't remain friends on social media. Block and forget.

How do I learn to be ok with being alone?

All the advice I read was about reinventing yourself. Trying new things. Joining community groups to meet people. Exercising to get in shape to attract a new mate. Etc. What I did was rediscover who I used to be, and I realized I like who I used to be.

Even in my darkest days, I found that being at work was the best thing for me. I'm out-of-the-house, away from the turmoil going on in my home life, and distracted by everything I need to get done. I work in a school, and I got another job during the summer because all that time off was depressing.

It helps greatly if you have a hobby or other interest you can lean into and do when you're alone.

white033 · 2026-04-09T17:17:07+00:00

Join a divorce support group. It has helped me immensely 7 weeks in after a 20 year marriage. Just helps to be around others in the same pain. Very supportive group of people. May even help your lack of being social? I think I made it through the survival stage as I am now eating a bit more and sleeping a bit more. Keep your chin up, it does get better with time. Many gym suggestions, I second as well. Exercise has helped me mentally and physically. I plan on getting a puppy once the dust settles, I think this will be very therapeutic in many ways! Good Luck...you got this in time!!!

moving-on-15 · 2026-04-08T18:43:49+00:00

Just to echo what most people are saying, start going to the gym regularly. It will give you a routine which will help you to manage the loneliness. It also gets you tired which will help with sleep, nights are the worst but, if you're tired your body will force you to sleep. If your sleep improves your mood will follow and the loneliness wont be as bad. Also don't think of it as being lonely, think of it as being free to do whatever you want to do. Is there a hobby you like or have always wanted to take up, now is the time to do it or start it. Gym may also help with socialising and making new friends even one is enough to start the ball rolling.

I watched this video the other day and I found it quite useful https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m09bQaMAln8. It's by Dr. Orion Taraban: Turning it around. Essentially start with small things that can be considered a win and go from there.

Good luck, a lot of us have been in this situation. Stay strong!

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-04-08T17:34:15+00:00

We all go through this mate, it comes with the territory. And like everyone else in time you'll make it through this too.

The first two years will suck. No way around that. The next two will be much better. Odds are you'll be remarried by year 5 (yeah we all think no way in the beginning lol but the stats don't lie).

Things that will help speed up the process: Counselling, divorce recovery group, gym, get yourself a dog.

WarrGo1 · 2026-04-08T17:32:28+00:00

I’m right there with ya brother. Divorce will be final 5/25/26. 23rd anniversary will be the Friday before. I’m still in the wilderness too.

EvalCrux · 2026-04-08T16:21:43+00:00

The most magical thing I've discovered (much less time betrothed/tied down) is that hermit mode is acceptable, new (old) hobbies are acceptable, going out is acceptable, staying in is acceptable. Making new friends that are ladies is acceptable, even more friends that are dudes, many in similar situations, is acceptable.

In sum: you can embody the freedom that your human body is able to provide, not locked into various control apparati (marriage, contracts with states, is a HUGE CONTROL APPARATUS).

PghSubie · 2026-04-08T15:28:14+00:00

You're welcome to live life as a hermit. No one will force you to make friends. But, it's not possible to make friends to be in a serious relationship with anyone if you're strictly asocial or antisocial. It takes practice. Start small. Be friendly with a co-worker. Join a club. Go to a gym

dystinct · 2026-04-08T15:11:10+00:00

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DrHayaku · 2026-04-08T14:49:05+00:00

It’s hard and it sucks. What worked for me:

1) don’t fight the suck. Accept that it sucks. Wishing that it wasn’t this way only makes you feel worse.

2) Being alone is weird. I learned that I didn’t really know myself. It’s a good time to figure out who you really are. Keeping a journal helped me.

3) Imagine you are in a rom-com movie and this is the “self-development montage.” You know, the part in Hercules where they sing “I can go the distance” or in Mulan where they sing “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.” In YOUR movie, how does it start and how does it end? Mine started with me laying facedown on the floor. Then I started letting go of the bitterness a little at a time. I bought a mountain bike and started riding it. Spending some time in the gym. Made a few female friends at work. Started paddleboarding. Next, a pet. etc etc. Things start to look up as a new life emerges out of the old.

It takes time. These feelings are a gift and they will make you a better person if you’re thoughtful about it. Be kind to yourself. We’re rooting for you bud.

Shot-Lingonberry-804 · 2026-04-08T13:55:23+00:00

Same here man. 24 years and ended out of the blue. I am living in a different city, alone, after taking a job and commuting back in forth for the reason (I thought) of supporting the family after she lost her job and never got back into something stable. The lonliness is definitely the hardest part, the distance from my kids, wondering what they think, wondering what she's up to, and worrying about what my future might look like.

I've been connecting with women via dating apps and that's somewhat therapeutic, though actual dates have been awkward because emotionally I am not there yet. But one step at a time.

Just know like others have said that you are not alone in this. It is certainly the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

Just-aMidwestGuy · 2026-04-08T12:51:42+00:00

You will be all right, even if you are alone. Life goes on, it may not turn out the way you first envisioned, it’s just different. You’re free to be whoever you want. Do whatever you want. It’s entirely possible to make new friends. I wish you luck.

Il_Valentino · 2026-04-08T11:59:25+00:00

How do I learn to be ok with being alone?

what do you value? knowledge? wealth? faith? whatever it is, pursue it and you will find contentment.

koskesh122 · 2026-04-08T11:36:02+00:00

Well bud, join the club.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.
90% of all divorces initiated by the women. • Child support, Alimony, your pension + retirement savings, government support + housing incentivizes them leaving you.
90% of custody awarded to mothers.
False allegations of abuse are prevalent in family courts. • You will be called abusive in order to stress you out so you give in to their unjust demands.

What to do now?

Settle your case ASAP. • The leeches (Judges, Lawyers, Therapists, Legal system will want to bleed you dry by leveraging your kids against you) The system gets paid by you fighting for you children.
Find a hobby.
Focus on your career/start a side hustle/Make more money.
Hit the gym daily.
Stay away from SINGLE moms at ALL costs and anyone who claims their ex was abusive. Do NOT raise another man’s child. You may end up being on the hook financially (Child support) for their kid if you leave.
Travel once a year.
Read books like No More Mr. nice guy
Open up the New Testament and start reading daily + listen to Charles Stanely on YouTube. • Learn to forgive your ex. This will set you emotionally and mentally free so you can begin enjoying life once again.

UrAristotle · 2026-04-08T10:40:08+00:00

Are you religious? You can turn to your faith.

Do you have hobbies? Find groups who do the same things.

Do you work out? (If no, get started now.) You can join a gym.

Find a routine that helps you create a new normal. The quiet house can still be unsettling, but it helps your mind stay focused.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-04-08T07:28:51+00:00

Some suggestions for you (I'm early 50s, a work from home getting divorced dad)
New hobbies, exercise, walks in nature. Cooking healthy for yourself.
Reading about stuff that interests you. Listening to music or watching a series or a movie.
If you can't keep yourself entertained and still feel alone then there is always the option to get a dog.
Dogs are the best if you show leadership and take proper care of them.
Look for the words in your head, its a mindset thing.
Think freedom at last to do whatever I want, whenever I want, instead of oh no, I am so lonely.

serkovavantgarden · 2026-04-08T07:07:21+00:00

Gaming and weed helps me lol

Do what you want bro. It’s your life. Carve your own path

ChinaNomad · 2026-04-08T05:57:44+00:00

Maybe consider moving to Asia for a while? Thailand, Vietnam, or the Philippines? Full of social life and fun activities to help rebuild connections. Not so expensive either.

krazykanuck · 2026-04-08T04:13:26+00:00

It’s kind of addictive after a while. It just takes time.

o2thegizzo · 2026-04-08T04:10:01+00:00

Don’t make it too dramatic. You can have THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE

ModernRidesWraps · 2026-04-08T04:09:58+00:00

Talking to somebody (therapy or friends) helps tremendously! Even if it doesnt feel like it at first. Its REALLY hard to see, but you are actually healing going through these emotions. DO NOT turn away from these feelings, lean into them and let them happen. Dont sulk in them all day if you can, but dont fight them.

You are in fight or flight with your nervous system. Your brain is wired to be her husband and your kids father. When I had these emotions, It really helped for me to take deep breaths and tell myself i was safe, and in time this will pass. Basically, you are rewiring your brain to be OK alone and without her.

It takes time but DOES help! Eating healthy, the gym, focusing on work and mainly, BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS. If you do the work, it gets way better. Look up rachel sloan and life 2.0 on you tube! They help alot. Read books about letting go of your ex, cbt, etc. It will get better!

DeedIndeed · 2026-04-08T04:05:20+00:00

Agree with first poster on gym and getting yourself right.

It’s going to take time to shed that skin of dependence you have. You may realize that those 26 years that started when you were barely an adult shaped you into an antisocial person, and that there’s a big ass world out there that has a lot to offer with many beautiful women who can teach you new ways of being.

And the best part, you don’t have to settle, and shouldn’t. Live a life you’ve never given yourself an opportunity to live. You’ll meet people along the way. Think positively. You can still be somewhat independent from people, but I’d encourage you to try something new every week or so - something you would’ve never done previously.

Good luck. A lot of us have been there, and many can say things get better.

Foreign-Name-6883 · 2026-04-08T04:02:21+00:00

I was married 5 years and went threw a divorce it's been years now .you have to build you a new life and it's going to have to take time .I was hurt and rebounded in another marriage that I left in 2011 . You need to set goals up and start getting involved in something. If you have some old friends maybe look them up and reconnect with them .I'm here if you need to chat I promise it will get better

TRMineNotYours · 2026-04-08T04:01:11+00:00

39, we were together since I was 15. Two kids together and separated since January. Divorce is still in the very beginning stages. It is so hard. There are so many times where I want to call or text her. But things are just not the same anymore. Slowly finding my way, but it’s rough for sure. I just keep reading posts here and finding hope that things will get better/easier.

Worldly_Let_3177 · 2026-04-08T04:00:08+00:00

Hit the gym! Get into the best shape of your entire life. Build a super hero body. Become unrecognizable!

Rich-Needleworker261 · 2026-04-08T03:57:52+00:00

Hey mate. 18 years here. Im 38 now. Im completely lost. My whole identity was her and my 2 boys.

Its been 2 months and things are getting harder, not easier. I cant see a way out of this mess.

Terminal-Earth · 2026-04-08T03:52:16+00:00

It will take time brother…

Therapy if able.
Gym. Gym. Gym. This is more than improving your health, looks, etc. It is also therapeutic.

Title	How to be alone
Author	moonshakah
Upvotes	40
Comments	37
Date	April 8, 2026 3:49 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1sfi3bm/how_to_be_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-be-alone.1577419 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577419

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