You know what I think? I don't think these chicks really wanted marriage and kids to begin with. They just thought they did.

ng_rddt · 2026-05-16T13:33:46+00:00

Perhaps we could phrase this issue differently—you mostly complain about these women, but let’s ask this question instead: why are we choosing to be with these dysfunctional partners?

Maybe we, as men, are enjoying the drama? Maybe we like how their pathology validates us? Maybe we like “saving” them, or taking advantage of their dysfunctions . Whatever-if we don’t reflect and ask: why did I choose this basket case? we are just going to repeat the cycle for ourselves. I agree these partners are not innocent—they have responsibility for the harm they cause, but we should accept our responsibility in having chosen to bring this sewage into our lives.

A good place to begin is by asking, paradoxically, what we enjoy about the relationship. Do we like “saving” them? Do we perversely agree with how they belittle us because we have low self-esteem? Then, I think the next step is to ask where did that specific dysfunctional views about ourselves come from? Did our mom speak negatively about our dad and so we assume that’s normal? Do we enjoy power trips? Etc. Then I think we have to start pushing back on that inside ourselves-every day, every moment it arises . Hopefully, by the end of all this, we will be a better man, the kind of man who attracts healthy partners.

UsualResult · 2026-05-15T13:28:46+00:00

They wanted the benefits with none of the duty. They wanted the things that can be posted to Instagram to impress their "friends".

They wanted to avoid any accountability at all. It looks like they got their wish.

myrstica · 2026-05-15T10:40:57+00:00

I mean, in a lot of cases, I think it could be as simple as growing apart, or not being aware of a deep seated difference in philosophy/character/need that doesn't present itself until kids are involved.

To be fair, I have been inclined to describe my ex-wife using language that I would never use to describe anyone else, and it's infuriating that she still feels the need to text me to inform me of her extremely poor opinion of me, but I'm working on accepting that her still being hung up in resentment doesn't mean that I have to be as well.

For me, I understand that she was initially attracted to my creativity, spontaneity, abstract intelligence, and tendency to 'go with the flow.' She was an aspiring poet and musician, and I had had some limited success in those arenas. We both drank too much, and I think that covered up some of the differences that would end up breaking rhe marriage. Also, psychologically, we were an awful match: I have ADHD and she has anxiety (though she'd assert now that she miraculously cured herself). The cracks started to show when she was pregnant with our first child and we weren't drinking every night. By the time we had three, the relationship was smoking rubble.

Was she controlling? Yes. Was she abusive? Yes. Was she constantly overwhelmed? Also yes. We both were.

In hindsight, she should have been a one-night stand. I was honestly never very excited about her, but the women I was excited about always ended up leaving... of course, she did, too, but at least the ones I got excited about didn't string me along for a decade.

Anyway... a lot of us got married when we were in our 20s and didn't even know ourselves very well. I honestly believe it takes a special kind of person and a special kind of relationship to last more than 10 years in that situation. To be honest, I'm glad to see that marriage rates are falling. No one actually needs to enter into a legally binding contract to raise a family or spend their lives together. And if/when things don't work out, no one loses half of their income and property, which I think would go a long way toward reducing resentment.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-05-15T04:13:17+00:00

So what is the remedy? To take years to get to know them inside and out and even then its not a done deal as people can change over time (including you).
Modern marriage vows carries as much weight as paperclips, best to stay away from marriage altogether.

Unable-Chocolate9948 · 2026-05-15T03:40:39+00:00

They want a wedding not the other stuff called life , feel special for a fairy tale day

smartalec-71 · 2026-05-14T23:53:03+00:00

They want the wedding. They don't want the marriage.

They want kids, they don't want the enormous effort that comes from raising them.

They want a nice house, in a nice neighborhood... that they don't have to pay for or maintain.

They say they want someone "emotionally intelligent", they mean they want someone who will do what they want, when they want it, in the way they want it... but they don't have to make the effort to verbalize their needs. (He did it voluntarily, I owe nothing in return!)

I've seen *SO* many videos about complaining about there being "no good men", and hating "the red pill crowd". What they mean is-- "I used to get away with my shenanigans, but now that guys talk to each other about such things on social media, I no longer can get away with it." Women are pissed that it's a lot harder to find a sucker.

Examples:

I (attempted) to go on a date with a woman. Because I was driving during the evening commute, I was 2 minutes late. She left, and wouldn't answer her phone. I was angry at the time, and wanted to apologize for being late. I realized I'd just dodged a bullet.
I went on some dates with a woman that at one point said, "I sometimes say things I later regret." My divorce hadn't completed, and I'd told her that I didn't want to get married. At the end of our 3rd date, she said, "If you want a 4th date, you need to promise me we'll be married in less than 5 years." (Did you hear what I'd said? Are you deaf, or daft?) We didn't go on a 4th date.
I went on a date with a women in her early 50's, who had divorced an exec at company in S&P 100. She said she didn't care about money. She was a part time painting framer. She told me she wanted to give each of her sons enough to put a substantial deposit to be able to buy a house in Glebe (meaning, at least $1m.) She didn't have that kind of cash, and couldn't save that kind of cash. She was clearly looking for someone who would voluntarily give her $1m (after tax), to support her sons. I'm sorry... what?

Anthff · 2026-05-14T23:20:10+00:00

Someone told me one time, “She wanted a wedding, not a marriage.” And that made a whole lot of sense.

Terrible-Mind2633 · 2026-05-14T19:35:24+00:00

Men can just be content with watching paint dry. Women these days constantly need to be wrapped up in some kind of emotional roller coaster lol. It’s funny because it’s so chaotic that it makes no sense, like hey we could just sit here and mind our own business and grow old in a relatively peaceful and calm environment. Then boom she’s chasing walking/talking problems trying to control them until it becomes too much for them and then they find something easier or they succeed and move on because they’re bored. It’s men who want a relationship/home that we can protect and make prosperous, women kinda want that but not as much as their impulse towards being entertained or involved in the latest drama.

Jizzaldo · 2026-05-14T18:59:51+00:00

They want the wedding and attention. Once that's over, they want resources. Once that's not fun anymore, they're done. It's just pure emotion for them.

Top_Piano2028 · 2026-05-14T18:56:52+00:00

They just want the wedding. You can see it clear as day because they are shitty gfs to begin with and just want the facebook/instagram status change and photos. They don't want what comes after. That's why they are always the ones pushing for commitment and marriage. It's a status and rite of passage for them and entrapment for guys.

IchabodLives · 2026-05-14T17:14:39+00:00

My ex wife told me while married she never wanted to be a wife or lead that kind of life.

koolllG_uy1911 · 2026-05-14T14:20:49+00:00

System rewards women to get a divorce. Remove the reward. Problem solved.

ungoloit · 2026-05-14T13:41:25+00:00

Once/ if ever, men wake up and start thinking with their big head...it shall be the end of mankind at least in western civilization. Just rent women, it's much more affordable and financially less risky. Our legal system gave my ex my life's work. If I had just rented them from day 1, I would be a wealthy man in lieu of having nothing.

Legitimate-Corgi · 2026-05-14T13:12:27+00:00

They want the wedding. Some of them want the kid others just want the photoshoots and the cute baby. Lots of them realize later they don’t really want to be married. I mean everyone falls for it to some degree you do it cuz it’s the logical next step everyone pushes but many people male or female aren’t really cut out for it

SaaSWriters · 2026-05-14T12:22:43+00:00

That’s somewhat inaccurate.

When they can’t attract the man they want, they settle for what you describe.

As men, we have to filter these women out but most of us don’t.

throwaway_coy4wttf79 · 2026-05-14T12:09:21+00:00

There's always another sucker.

She's got me on the hook paying her until she's 52. That's most of the way through life. And she'll surely have some other idiot paying for her by then. It's just how these leeches operate.

But try as she might, she can't replace me as their father. So long as I keep showing up for the boys, there's nothing she can do. And I will give them a much better life than she ever could.

ForgiveMyFlatulence · 2026-05-14T11:22:56+00:00

Don’t let her ruin you. Don’t let anyone ruin you. Be confident in who you are and what you stand for. Many of us are here because we were tricked in the same ways. But if you lose yourself after the relationship it’s just one more way she wins.

Remaining you is the eternal victory you can have. You can have sacrificed everything for her wants and she could have cut off so much of the rest. Don’t let her take what makes you, you.

Professional-Spite62 · 2026-05-14T11:20:17+00:00

Dude women are so quick to run! I thought our son would solidify our marriage. Had no idea how wrong I was.

ToughPill · 2026-05-14T11:17:34+00:00

They become bitter old women who refuse to take any agency for their actions, encouraging others down the same path.

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-05-14T10:51:37+00:00

They do it becuase all their friends are doing it. Then they leave you because their friends are leaving their husbands.

FOMO.

Warden_CauseySr · 2026-05-14T10:06:30+00:00

My ex was a covert narcissist. Always got what she wanted her entire life and was spoiled. Gave her everything she wanted as well: new house that we built, a family life. And once we had kids, like other comments say, she didn’t want the intimacy, closeness or affection. It was only after leaving that I’m now able to rediscover myself, expensive as it is/was, but I know now that she only liked the idea of marriage. The idea of being a mom. Not actually working for these things.

But to answer OP’s question: they don’t run out of good men to ruin, so long as there’s good men out there thinking they need saving.

TeddyPSmith · 2026-05-14T09:33:22+00:00

There’s a new trend going around social media where they leave the good guy and tell you about how hard it is for them. Rather than feel guilt about building a relationship with the good guy that they all say they want and then abandoning it, they’re now trying to empower each other to do it. The replies are nothing but encouragement for others to do the same thing. And guess what….theyve positioned themselves as the victim in this story.

It’s hard to view them the same anymore

Boglehead101 · 2026-05-14T07:16:20+00:00

Totally agree. Mine is an avoidant with Narcissistic characteristics. Didn’t want intimacy, closeness or affection, did want the house, the jewellery, the handbags, the holidays, the car and for me to pay.

She didn’t even want shared one on one experiences like a night out or a walk.

Then she decides to blow it up.

EnvironmentalRate853 · 2026-05-14T06:51:09+00:00

There are plenty of bad men ready to go :-)

PlaystationSwitchAWD · 2026-05-14T05:41:56+00:00

I completely agree. My spouse wants a loyal subject that says yes to everything, no matter how unreasonable or illogical. She wants complete control. Rules apply to me, not to her. Don’t even bother fact checking her. It was never about an equal partnership, it was always about absolute dictatorship. Some women are worst or better than others. But what if they are all eventually like this?

LaCathedrale · 2026-05-14T05:40:58+00:00

Your last point hits home for me. My ex love-bombed me, mirrored my interests, was highly sexual and I got the best view of her. That mask slipped over time to reveal her true nature as an emotionally immature, difficult woman. Now I'm seeing that play out from a distance with her new bf: he's getting that curated perfect view of her. The poor bastard.

Title	You know what I think? I don't think these chicks really wanted marriage and kids to begin with. They just thought they did.
Author	Motor-Hat-3061
Upvotes	72
Comments	50
Date	May 14, 2026 5:19 AM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tcofq7/you_know_what_i_think_i_dont_think_these_chicks/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/you-know-what-i-think-i-dont-think-these-chicks.1580380 https://theredarchive.com/post/1580380

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