A lot of people don't really know who they are or what they want, and that makes them incredibly frustrating to date

KayRay1994 · 2026-06-26T03:30:18+00:00

I feel like a better way to word it isn’t really ‘most people are NPCs’ - cause tbh from a lot of people’s view, you’re an NPC as well, I also don’t like that phrasing cause it immediately pushes the convo to ‘I’m better than all these people’ which isn’t necessarily true (and I say this cause I used to have this mindset)

I think it genuinely is as simple as you and these women, and your girl-friends and these men, simply aren’t compatible and are unable to bring out each other’s quirks. As for kinks, those are incredibly vulnerable and people only really bring them out when the ‘vibe’ is right.

Like I agree with the core emotions you’re feeling, but disagree in that I don’t wanna lump it down to ‘people are NPCs’ and think that insist a simple as when people don’t feel the most compatibility, they won’t seek out connection with the other person. Like I think I am one of the most interesting people ever with main character energy, but I’m sure some others see me as an NPC… and both are fine

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-06-26T04:04:33+00:00

Not in a harsh way, but it sounds to me like that girl didn't feel comfortable sharing and probably felt judged by you and inadequate. Not saying you were overtly cruel to her, but if I can pick up you didn't think very much of her, it seems likely she picked it up too.

I will say very early in dating, I learned most men were not interested in my stuff and worse felt very comfortable mocking and deriding it as if anything they were into were so much better than what I was. And they do that to your face while also trying to romance you which is quite the bizarre move, if you ask me. And it wasn't too long until most of them got pretty stock dull answers because I'm not a glutton for punishment. In fact, I arguably got so good at being a chameleon who didn't say a lot of the stuff she thought or was interested in...to the point that it seems probable my husband is the only person who knows how bizarre I am. And I don't think he fully-realized for several years of us dating. Dating. Seriously dating. That's how not comfortable I felt sharing because of how my interests had been treated by particularly men.

And it wasn't because I was terrified of anything. It was because I didn't feel like being looked down on by people while my hands are tied. If you want my easiest, ready to hang personal example: I freaking adore Taylor Swift. Like a lot. I listen to podcasts about it. It's been a decades long joy. I've endured quite the mockery for this as I'm sure you can imagine. On dates, almost every time I ever mentioned enjoying her music. And the first few times it hurt my feelings, but it also left me in a spot where it's like, this dude likes Marilyn Manson and fucking Daft Punk. Who does he think he is to be judging my music taste. Like, you don't have a music taste, you have barely concealed anger issues with an interest in rock um sock um robots. Free thinker my ass, your entire personality is the bad episodes of South Park. But now if I say that, I'm just doing back what has been done to me, and two wrongs don't make a right.

Most people are interesting. If you haven't found what about them is, you either aren't making them comfortable enough to tell or are too busy focused on yourself to notice the small leads that if you asked would reveal that richer inner life.

Present-Afternoon-70 · 2026-06-26T03:22:00+00:00

Seems more like there was no chemistry and it was a bad date.

What is it with people taking a single experience and blowing it up into a broader behavioral pattern?

None of what you describe here actually supports the larger point you seem to want to make. You went on one bad date with someone you didn't click with. That's normal.

Not having strong opinions about art, being reserved, or not being especially outgoing doesn't make someone an "NPC." It just means the two of you weren't compatible.

hexdeedeedee · 2026-06-26T03:29:16+00:00

Not saying thats the case, but Ive had a rough childhood and it took me about 30 years to discover who I was. All my wants and preference were those of someone else, and when your partner ask you the questions youve asked sometimes you genuinely dont know what to answer.

Some people also lived their whole lives happily being entertained by their partners and never really had to give any input.

Usually that kind of behavior becomes rarer the older you get

ThatBitchA · 2026-06-26T03:47:10+00:00

Bad dates are a normal part of dating. You're not going to click with everyone you're interested in.

Demasii · 2026-06-26T04:23:40+00:00

Simple people are not necessarily frustrating to date. They are actually very easy date because they tend to go with the flow of what the other person wants to do. Their lack of strong opinions minimize their ability to offend others.

efficientaficionado · 2026-06-26T07:07:02+00:00

The entire night felt like I had to keep the conversation going.

Bro. You're in your early 20s and the young lady is attracted to you enough to entertain a date... Of course the conversation will be awkward unless you lead it properly. You can't give up or broad brush because of one experience. Learn from it and figure out how to lead conversations with women that don't go stale.

If her only hobbies are gaming and erotica, she's trying to appeal to what she thinks you want her to be; which means she isn't comfortable enough to be herself around you. Work on that with women in general. I'm guessing you were far too rigid and interview-y.

C0mpL1c1t · 2026-06-26T03:37:54+00:00

The level of articulation and detail in this post combined with your use of "NPC" to describe her flat affect makes me think that there was probably a gross misalignment of personality and intelligence here. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that is probably going to be an ongoing issue for you. Godspeed.

DMmeClownPics · 2026-06-26T03:54:25+00:00

I agree with everyone saying you guys just didn’t have chemistry and were a good match for each other and that ok. I can’t imagine not having any strong opinions either, but it doesn’t make someone a bad person. I wouldn’t want to date someone like that, but someone else might like them very much. Who am I to judge?

fucksiclepizza · 2026-06-26T03:55:54+00:00

Sounds like you think youre better than her because she likes video games and you like pretentious art galleries.

-nymphobrainiac- · 2026-06-26T04:07:04+00:00

I don't disagree with your main statement. There are definitely people who never had to articulate facts about themselves. Either because they don't tend to meet new people, or they don't push their boundaries much.

Your date definitely reminds me of me though. By my perspective on that date, it was more

"Well, we went to the gallery and talked about the art. I tend to prefer looking at the techniques. He kept prying at what everything made me feel though? We got dinner and it was Greek, not my fave, usually just like the desserts. He kept asking me if I wanted to go home...I guess I wasn't outgoing enough or something?"

And then you came onto reddit and called her an NPC...It genuinely just sounds like you guys didn't click. Of course, I'm a random person who wasn't there. Maybe she was flatter than cardboard and stale as Styrofoam. I just wouldn't dismiss someone and assume they're unenlightened because they're less passionate.

AngeAware · 2026-06-26T04:28:06+00:00

This situation sounds more like what I call the "proximity bonding" problem.

When you get along well with a classmate, coworker, etc. you're basically forced to interact with you can kind of get the illusion that you're closer/more compatible than you actually are and know them better than you actually do. As soon as the class is over, or you stop working together, or whatever, you quickly realize you have nothing in common and nothing interesting to talk about. I've never had that issue in the dating context but I have had it with friendships.

Of the "proximity friendships" that actually lasted for me we bonded early on over something that wasn't related to class, like a common interest or hobby.

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-06-26T05:11:27+00:00

someone who lived life like an NPC.

Some people are more private and reserved, so they can have a rich inner life while putwardly seeming like they do nothing. I was accused of not being curiois about things. My curiosity is just more internal. I don't specualte with others to satisfy my curiosity - i look things up and chatter with my inner voice.

What helps me to get out of ky shell is not having expectations, the other person sharing their joy/interest/excitement and them not dismissing or invalidating my stuff.

People talking about themselves can encourage me to talk about myself.

No-Rough-7390 · 2026-06-26T12:00:14+00:00

This is actually a pretty good point and it’s why most of the men who came into my network, despite wanting LTRs, were nowhere near ready for them. Men, in particular, need to have their shit together, not in the boring sense, but in the “this is my life, these are the things I enjoy, this is where I’m going.” It may not seem congruous, but it’s akin to the “what do you want for dinner” BS men deal with. It’s better to be able to lead and have a vision for you life so that if (as many women do) she decides to jump ship, you’re good anyways.

pyroblastftw · 2026-06-26T08:25:38+00:00

I think what you’re describing is someone who lives their life like a ride on rails. They just feel more comfortable letting life happen around them rather than actively participating in it (which is you). I think your frustration may come from the misperception that this is somehow intentional on her part when she probably doesn’t even have any awareness of this.

turkish_gold · 2026-06-26T08:52:53+00:00

What are the expectations for hobbies now days? She had 2 hobbies, that’s the real limit for most people. Adults don’t have infinite time or mental space so tend to keep one hobby throughout life, and rotate a second or third in every decade or so.

RelativeYak7 · 2026-06-26T08:58:14+00:00

Men always say this to protect their ego. We do know what we want and if you get dumped or rejected it clearly was not you. It's amazing the lengths men go to not self-reflect.

MrTTripz · 2026-06-26T09:15:09+00:00

Are you genuinely surprised that there are many people that you don’t click with?

Congratulations on having passions and being interested and curious.

Now understand that some people are boring.

The end.

LillthOfBabylon · 2026-06-26T12:16:43+00:00

I will start off by acknowledging that people aren't stable, monotonous creatures, we grow and learn as we live; but there's definitely people who are genuine NPCs at times.

Which is why I waited to date later after I realize I didn't want immature people and I needed to be more stable in what I wanted.

I noticed that she didn't really have any strong opinion,

Not having strong opinions on art means nothing. Not everyone cares about art that much. I mainly do because I love colors.

but not a single artwork made her feel anything in particular;

Some art can be that fucking boring. Did she CLAIM she likes art?

We went to a Greek place, but I felt like I was walking around with a robot next to me, with no strong opinions on anything.

You probably just need a chatter box who overthinks everything. Nothing you have said thus far makes me think she's an NPC. You're just not compatible.

She didn't have a lot of hobbies apart from gaming and reading erotica, and look I'm not ~~judging anyone's hobbies~~ saying these are bad individually, and they don't make her better or worse as a person, but that's super lacklustre to me.

You just admitted you guys just aren't compatible.

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Objective_Ad_6265 · 2026-06-26T14:30:29+00:00

Well I know what I don't want and otherwise I don't have strong opinions and I adapt to him.

TopShelfSnipes · 2026-06-26T16:08:05+00:00

Save this post as quick reference for all the doofuses that swear they want passive, agreeable women.

This is Exhibit A of why I didn't tend to go for those types of women: you never knew where you stood, and if everything was "okay" nothing was ever "good" or "great" or "awesome".

A lot of shy women aren't people pleasing and spineless though, and this is where compatibility comes in.

This is the equivalent of the lame-duck guy who asks a woman out and she says "what did you have in mind?" and he responds "whatever you want the two of us to do." It's unattractive regardless of whether it's the man or woman behaving this way, and regardless of the dating gender role in question.

HOWEVER, there are a few flaws with your approach, and that's why I'm writing this as a top level comment, is so I can disagree with you on a few things regarding your approach to conversation. A few key points:

Some people really ARE shy and need to be broken out of their shell. Many many people in life tend to mirror. So if you can set a fun, carefree example...they become more fun and carefree. You were very tense in planning everything, from the setup of it. And an art museum is a very "serious" first date just based on the vibe (as opposed to, say, a carnival or street festival).
There are conversational tricks to help do this. You didn't really do a good job asking follow up questions, or lightening the mood, for one. Let's say I was boring generic guy, and I asked a woman "How was your day?" And she responded politely: "Eh, alright, not much happened to day." I could say, "Oh," take that at face value and keep the conversation boring. Or, I could say, "Ha - mine was pretty boring today too. So, what was the most boring thing that happeened today? Let's compare notes!" and say it with a grin, and try to lighten the mood. And if that didn't work, I could give examples. "Come on, something really boring had to have happened! Maybe your boss sent you an email. Or you got stuck in traffic. Or there was a really long line when you went out for lunch!" and maybe she'll pick up the vibe and tell me the most boring thing and challenge me with mine, or maybe she'll get so annoyed (but entertained) by this ridiculous line of questioning that she'll tell me something actually interesting that happened, or change the topic to something interesting that happened on a different day.
Or, alternative approach, one could try asking better follow up questions...or going first, by talking about myself. "Okay, legit, you had a boring day. So how about I tell you about my day, and anytime you want to stop me, go ahead" kind of vibes. Then tell something interesting, and interact with her about that. Follow up questions can be good, too, but the they should be targeted. There are a few examples of this too. "I've always been a fan of Greek cuisine. Have you ever had Spanakopita?" if you are thinking of suggesting a Greek place. Or, sometimes, if you can deliver the body language properly, you can sometimes elicit a better response by cutting through the plesantries (but in a polite way). "Come on, I know you've got a few opinions about specific cuisines in there somewhere. Why don't you hit me with the craziest thing you'd like to try? I promise I won't judge." You'd be surprised how much people can or will open up about very personal things if you can ask the right questions in a fun, nonjudgmental manner.

A lot of guys who struggle with personality and social cues aren't very good at these things. But if people like you, it's generally pretty easy to get them to open up to you. The key is to not violate that trust if they do. DO NOT get a woman to open up to you and then tease or neg her about those preferences if you had to build trust to get her to tell you that info.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-06-26T05:37:32+00:00

I dont find it frustrating because nobody is forcing me to date, let alone commit to or marry such losers

It’s a shame you’re falling down when nobody is pushing you

AreOut · 2026-06-26T08:38:03+00:00

you are majoring in physics, your way of thinking is offputting to most of women, learn to live with it

while women say they want someone smart, it means mostly street smart, not book smart and especially not physics smart, it's unknown for them and unknown is scary

Brief_Mongoose_7291 · 2026-06-26T11:33:33+00:00

You couldn't be more up your own arse if you wanted to.

Title	A lot of people don't really know who they are or what they want, and that makes them incredibly frustrating to date
Author	Silver-Use3590
Upvotes	28
Comments	56
Date	June 26, 2026 3:14 AM UTC (3 weeks ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ufv1ej/a_lot_of_people_dont_really_know_who_they_are_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/a-lot-of-people-dont-really-know-who-they-are-or.1583635 https://theredarchive.com/post/1583635

Comments

You just admitted you guys just aren't compatible.