Q4ALL: What's your take on the replies to this post on r/relationship_advice?

DemonConsulting · 2018-07-05T11:24:47+00:00

Given that she was “chubby“ before I'm not entirely sure it's the 10 lbs weight gain that's the only problem (?) Usually you don't notice it that much with someone who is already on the fat side. Tbh it sounds like she wasn't his type to begin with, and at the two year mark any honeymoon-phase hormones are most likely gone. Chances are they got comfortable around eachouther, let themselves go a bit, and now even the tinyest bit of attraction he might have had from novelty/hormones/lots of makeup and nice clothes just wore off.

Also her guy is a recovering alcoholic, super stressed, who constantly watches porn. Kinda sounds to me like he has his own issues, each of which on their own has the potential to kill his sex drive (Like for a short time my husband was super stressed at work and not interested in sex - literally nothing about me had changed and it was back to normal when the stress reduced). This relationship is probably his fallback as he has someone who is “good for him“ even if he isn't attracted to her, and she never was his type to begin with. Basically a reverse Beta Bux, where he had hot GFs in his past but has too many issues and now settled for her.

Just sounds like a bad deal all around, what is she even getting out of it at this point? If this is the best she can get, then yeah... everyone finds someone in their league I guess and if you're an alcoholic with a porn addicion, your league are fat chicks and vice versa.

That btw is why I think the comments are crap. I don't think her losing 10lbs will solve this issue, maybe losing 50 and bleaching her hair could help but even then there are massive issues on his side (and he even told her so). What I do think would help her personally is the old break up and hit the gym routine at which point she might attract better men. (and not letting herself go afterwards)

reluctantly_red · 2018-07-05T10:07:51+00:00

Its so simple a woman who lets herself go is still wonderful and is still perfect just the way she is. However, a guy who lets himself go is lazy selfish fat slob who doesn't deserve any woman.

[deleted] · 2018-07-05T11:51:01+00:00

I over heard him talking to our boss (we work together), that he will be buying an engagement ring before spring. So like holy crap.

But our sex life plummeted like crazy.

Right on time then 😂

Serious answer though, it sounds like there are deeper problems here than just weight gain. OP there seems to be focusing on it and is obviously insecure about it. But I don't think it's the root issue.

She says she is actively initiating sex with the guy but he is turning it down. She also mentions he is a recovering alcoholic. There's gonna be other issues going on that are left out of this post. We are also only hearing one side of the story as with all these advice threads.

Alcoholism will reduce your sex drive, if he has other shit stressing him out in his life which she may not know about that will do it too. So he may get the physical release he wants off porn and not worry about performance anxiety etc from real intimacy.

I disagree with the comments blaming the porn, sounds like the /r/nofap crowd but to me it seems like porn is a symptom not a cause here. Guys don't suddenly choose porn over their gfs for no reason.

With the limited info given it's hard to make any real judgements. But I really doubt the weight gain or porn is the root cause.

Aaren_Augustine · 2018-07-05T10:22:42+00:00

No. Her being fat might play a role. But I bet its her behavior that totally turned him off. And the porn doesn't help either; but dudes will turn to that because shits not connecting with him and his SO.

Not that the weight gain is okay.

I’m beautiful, he’s just anxious and whatever. He’s an off and on recovering alcoholic, so I know that probably has a lot to do with it

This right here. I'd bet she's rejected him way too much and he'd rather not get rejected anymore. Most men jump into alcohol, video games and porn to escape. They've given up on convincing their spouse to participate.

These are all symptoms. And this brunette is blaming the symptoms rather than addressing the wound that's expressing it.

PennnyLame · 2018-07-05T10:22:20+00:00

That post is a minefield of red flags. He’s an “on and off recovering alcoholic”??? Nope. Watching porn in her presence when he knows she is sexually unsatisfied? Double nope. Ten pounds and he cannot keep an erection? Definitely not a dude you’d want to get you pregnant...

Honestly, it sounds like he is not into her (she’s not his type) and the weight gain is just a red herring. People are being nice (the “you’re perfect” comments) because it’s hard to tell someone they need to leave their relationship.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-07-05T13:18:23+00:00

Because its all women responding on /r/relationships.

THIS IS THE ADVICE WOMEN GIVE EACH OTHER

Eusocial feelgood platitude garbage advice

Its not some feminist plot, it's literally how the female social matrix interacts happening in front of your face

[deleted] · 2018-07-05T11:33:08+00:00

The internet can never know what is going through his mind. I don't personally like the responses and I don't know how long this issue has been going on. I know my husband and I have gone several weeks without sex due work stress and other things.

She can try to lose some weight to see if that is truly the issue. Some men goes through slumps regardless of how attractive their SO is. He could be nervous about proposing as well.

DemonConsulting · 2018-07-05T12:19:30+00:00

She’s a moron for dating an alcoholic. What’s this guy, her 10th addict?

It’s her fault for getting involved with a sick guy. For continually getting involved with alcoholics, addicts, and other assorted fucked up damaged men.

gankylosaurus · 2018-07-05T12:50:45+00:00

I've been the guy in this situation, but without the weight gain. Girlfriend was a skinny blonde, as it happens, and the sex was great. But I got addicted to porn and the real thing just lost some of its appeal. I think it's for two reasons: First, you have total control over what you get to watch/experience with porn, and if you're not feeling one body type or sex act at the moment, you can easily find another. Plus you have access to thousands of naked women who aren't the person you're with. Second, real sex feels like more work when you're addicted to porn. You have to maintain a connection with another person, and get sweaty and tired in the process.

Ten pounds isn't that significant, to be honest. If she was already "chubby" and they were having sex "every day, sometimes multiple times," then I don't think it has anything to do with her weight, or even physical attraction. It sounds like he's attracted to her, but he has other issues getting in the way. It's not fair to her, for sure, but maybe they've lost the "spark" or whatever it was they had going for them. Love can fade, and it's hard to see when it does. People can try to force it to work but that doesn't often work out.

Jikira · 2018-07-05T10:48:43+00:00

She only gain 10lbs!?!? That is literally nothing. Ten pounds won’t make that big of a difference. My So and I gained ten pounds neither of us noticed until we got a scale all of our clothes still fit perfectly.

wekacuck · 2018-07-05T11:40:08+00:00

It probably doesn't have anything to do with the weight gain. The thread mentions stress. He probably has hangups about having sex to destress. I used to have this sort of thing and it was because I had "acceptable reasons to have sex" and "unacceptable reasons to have sex". If you're heavily into sex as giving pleasure to your partner and feel guilty about enjoying sex for yourself this sort of thing can happen.

killallthenarcs · 2018-07-05T13:32:58+00:00

I think she'll probably eat less donuts if she gets with a different guy. Lose the weight and the porn addict. Time to shoot the relationship in the head.

nemma88 · 2018-07-05T10:39:06+00:00

Every time I try and bring it up to him, he swears it’s not me,

He says it's not her. Whats She / Us suppose to think?

I think he isn't attracted to her, and losing the weight won't make a difference because the attraction is rooted in something different, and reinforced with the porn.

goatismycopilot · 2018-07-05T13:33:37+00:00

If you read the post it says he is an "on off recovering alcoholic" so basically he is an alcoholic. He spends his time drinking and watching porn and that might be because she she put on 10 pounds or maybe he is a mess and she has been ignoring that for a long time.

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PieceBringer · 2018-07-05T10:14:58+00:00

I'm not even surprised to be honest.

Naebany · 2018-07-05T11:50:44+00:00

It seems the problem is twofold. He found a girl that he settled with. Not his ideal type but good enough. And then the "good enough" got a bit worse. So she's not even that.

LifterofThings · 2018-07-05T13:35:34+00:00

I mean, that's the association I'd make, but realistically it might be any number of other factors causing resentment, or maybe he'd just rather rub one out than have to deal with another human if he's under a lot of stress.

Easiest way to figure it out would be to get back to the weight at which he was still initiating sex with her and see if the issue resolves itself.

As for why people are reassuring her that she's perfect the way she is... idk. Having physical standards for your partner is sort of out of vogue right now, despite the fact that it's pure delusion to think that physical appearance doesn't impact desire, no matter how much you love a person.

Loban8990 · 2018-07-05T15:05:49+00:00

It's the great double standard. If this was a post about a guy putting on weight and his GF losing interest in him most if not all the commenters would be putting him down.

L0git3x · 2018-07-05T17:42:34+00:00

How many times can you eat a steak before you get tired of it?

It is a Human condition to get used to everything.

The boredom is familiarity. Plain and simple.

The porn provides access to novelty.

Get a red wig and throw on some heels. Done and done.

10lbs is nothing.

newName543456 · 2018-07-08T22:01:55+00:00

Once more we see hypocrisy in mainstream LTR advice where woman is always perfect and can do no wrong, while a guy is devil incarnate as usual.

waxedmintfloss · 2018-07-09T13:24:12+00:00

In my book you’re kind of an asshole if you change your behavior toward your partner based on mild physical changes of the sort which are common like aging and weight gain. Also if you use porn in a way that gets in the way of sex life with your partner.

I think a lot of the women on that sub think similarly, and feel very strongly about it.

Personally I wouldn’t let a relationship get to the point where my partner desires a certain physical look that I can’t or won’t maintain. To me it doesn’t seem overly complicated to screen a potential serious mate for whether or not I match up to their preferred type, whether naturally or via lifestyle.

Title	Q4ALL: What's your take on the replies to this post on r/relationship_advice?
Author	Pathetic_Lifeform
Upvotes	18
Comments	197
Date	July 5, 2018 9:56 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8w98yk/q4all_whats_your_take_on_the_replies_to_this_post/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-whats-your-take-on-the-replies-to-this-post.261652 https://theredarchive.com/post/261652

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