Do you think that monogamy is a social construct & that polyamory could become normalized?

sublimemongrel · 2016-12-02T17:17:19+00:00

It's sort of already becoming normalized isn't it? Poly relationships are pretty much accepted in the younger generations. Personally I think monogamy is partially a social construct but it's also partially natural. This, however, is my instinct, I haven't researched it. I just have to wonder why we are designed to have such strong feelings of love, protection, and even jealousy (yes, women get the "ownership" feeling too) for one person if we weren't meant to at least be serially monogamous.

Also I don't want to share my husband. I'm a selfish bitch I guess.

future_space_boobs · 2016-12-02T17:12:16+00:00

I think there isn't a one-size-fits all solution. Some people want a lifelong relationship with one person, some people want a series of exclusive relationships, some people want multiple partners at once, and some people want all three at various points.

Mentathiel · 2016-12-02T19:01:52+00:00

Monogamy, as in 'one partner at a time,' isn't socially constructed, but lifelong monogamy is.

Monogamy is present because our species has this peculiarity where both parents participate in raising children. And that peculiarity exists because our children take awfully long to be capable to take care of themselves (prehistorically, I'd say they'd have to be around 14). Taking that into consideration, it made little sense for men to take care of children who they aren't sure are their own. Women, on the other hand, wanted men's attention to be focused on them and their child. That's why you see polygyny in some cultures, with the man promising to provide for all of his wives plentifully and equally being the condition, and you don't see much polyandry.

Polyandry is acceptable when men don't commit. Then they also get to have sex around and generally will produce some children and will take care of none and some will survive eventually.

Now, how will that impact our society? I don't know. I hope monogamy stays a thing, because I quite like it. I don't think gender relations would be nearly as good (and that's saying something, given the state of gender relations now) if we fully opened the Pandora's box that's unrestricted sexuality. You'd see low SMV men going nuts over not being able to find a women and not seeing themselves as having any prospects of ever doing so, you'd have a bunch of dissatisfied women who crave commitment, but can't get it from best men who'd all go poly, you'd get plenty of men who could be great contributors to society loosing the motivation that "earning pussy" provided and slacking off to eventually be replaced with some of the men who've been fighting for their positions who'd offer women resources for settling with them instead. So, eventually, things would probably devolve back into something similar as it is now.

To be honest, maybe a bit more liberal approach to sexuality would be beneficial, but I've never found it appealing and I don't like sudden radical changes of something so fundamental to our society. There's a reason rules have been around, our ancestors weren't idiots who arbitrarily try to restrain all the worldly pleasures. There are many reasons behind these conventions and I won't claim to comprehend them all fully, but the point is they are not arbitrary and unless you know them fully you don't know whether they addressed only a problem such as contraceptives being unavailable, or whether they addressed something more serious about human nature and fabric of our society.

louplop · 2016-12-02T17:08:26+00:00

No I don't believe monogamy is socially constructed.

Why would you normalized polyarmory? Women have already options... Even more than men when it comes to sex.

LewisCross · 2016-12-02T17:10:05+00:00

Yes, monogamy is a social construct. We're already on our way to polyamory being normalized. But the only "normal", "accepted" polyamory will be the following:

1) Women in one-way open marriages, where she is married to one man, and she has sex with other men, and she and her husband raise her children (who are probably the genetic product of extramarital sex)

2) Very attractive men, top 10% men, with rotating harems

ozymandias271 · 2016-12-02T17:16:16+00:00

No. I don't want people who are only happy in monogamous relationships dating me.

[deleted] · 2016-12-02T17:37:18+00:00

[permanently deleted]

cholomite · 2016-12-02T17:50:35+00:00

Monogamy is a social construct but it is essential in creating a stable society. If anyone could enter into a relationship and get benefits with anyone else, regardless of how many other partners that person has, we would see a majority of women pairing up with 1 high value man, and many many other men being left out in the cold.

This population of "unfuckable" men would become restless, discontented and unruly. Eventually they would rise up against the select few wealthy and powerful men who all the women are attracted to and create a "patriarchal" society where 1 man and 1 woman get married and everyone is mostly happy. The women still want to be with the wealthy powerful guys, but having to settle for monogamy with an "average joe" is a little easier when it's backed up by society at large.

Women will always be attracted to less men than men are attracted to women. If allowed free reign, these unchosen men will always become unhappy and want to take power and reproductive rights from those who have them and destabilization and conflict will become more common.

AutoModerator · 2016-12-02T17:07:02+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair, just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[deleted] · 2016-12-02T17:18:58+00:00

I think that there's two parts to monogamy: short-term and long-term.

I'd say that in the short-term, the overwhelming feelings and desires are monogamous. When a man or woman develops romantic feelings towards their partner, usually they are incapable of simultaneously having similar feelings anyone else.

Once these feelings gradually lose their initial intensity, however, the long-term prognosis for monogamy doesn't look quite so good. I think that it's a pretty unnatural for most people to retain authentic monogamous feelings for their partner after the ''honeymoon phase'' wears off.

The longer you have a bacon & egg sandwich for your daily lunch, the more tempting and appealing the ham & cheese alternative becomes, if you know what I mean.

5th_Law_of_Robotics · 2016-12-02T17:34:55+00:00

I think monogamy definitely is. I don't know if polygamy is the solution.

Maybe just be more French about it: long term partner you share finances, raising kids, residence, etc with while being tolerant of flings.

Carkudo · 2016-12-02T18:10:38+00:00

I don't think I understand what you're contrasting "social construct" with here.

Regardless, of course polyamory can be normalized. It's already becoming more "normal" than it was, say, a few decades ago. Similarly, various forms of polyamory have been practiced for god knows how long. In the Soviet Union, for example, a common form of "cheating" was having multiple families, usually supported by one man. It wasn't seen as normal exactly, but it wasn't seen as somehow deviant either. Similarly, I had a client once, a Japanese dude in his late 60s, who also had two families - one in Japan and one in Indonesia or the Philippines or some place like that. Again, it was seen as unusual by his peers, but not exactly degenerate or reprehensible.

On the other hand, I think with the modern attitude towards sex and romance, polyamory cannot be completely normalized (as in, become the prevalent relationship format) in a healthy way in the developed and developing world. Taken to the logical extreme, it will put lots of men in a position where they have no stake in society and are possibly prevented from enjoying life at all. That's just not healthy for a society - it will cause all kinds of problems if it happens.

wub1234 · 2016-12-02T18:30:27+00:00

It will never become normalised because it is a departure too radical following thousands of years of monogamous civilisation. No powerful institutions will ever argue in favour of it. Although as men in particular are increasingly commitment-phobic, to some extent we have already abandoned monogamy.

IHeartDay9 · 2016-12-02T18:31:24+00:00

I think it's weird that monogamy is the default. I mean, it's a valid relationship model that's preferred by many, but the idea that a closed relationship is assumed and an open one is the oddity is strange to me.

My partner and I started our relationship as open/poly. 10 years and 2 kids later, it's what works best for us.

SipsSparklingWater · 2016-12-02T18:34:59+00:00

It's not a social construct. There are plenty of monogamous animals and we even have bonding chemicals in our brains.

BPremium · 2016-12-02T19:43:55+00:00

Why would we want to give women, who arguably have the most power in the sexual realm, even more power? That seems like a recipe for bloody conflict and rape

anitapk · 2016-12-02T19:44:01+00:00

There would be no benefits to normalizing polyamory

Edit: to society and most people

Wolfsouls · 2016-12-02T20:31:26+00:00

I think humans are naturally serial monogomists, typically staying together for 5-7 years (coincidentally the time when kids stop requiring as much intensive care), and then reevaluating their current partner. It seems like a reoccurring cycle among couples.

BookwormJane · 2016-12-02T21:01:15+00:00

http://healthland.time.com/2013/07/30/the-reason-for-monogamy-researchers-disagree/

shadowrangerfs · 2016-12-02T23:15:36+00:00

Most people don't want to share. I think most people will admit that they'd like to bang other people. But they don't want their partner to band other people.

Also, it will almost always be easier for the woman to find other partners. I think most men would be afraid that they wouldn't be able to get a woman that they want to actually have sex with them. I think if both people are attractive enough to get what they want outside of the marriage then it could work.

squidracer · 2016-12-03T00:15:19+00:00

Marriage is a social construct and a very important one.. Because it keeps men working, without it we would live in mud huts.

The reality is that we need men working, and those men need a reason to work. I have no problems getting women, however I don't have kids. Even tho I make decent money, without having kids there are many days when I wonder why I just don't become a bartender.

Plus, if you very to many sexless males your risk of violence increases

DashneDK2 · 2016-12-03T02:23:39+00:00

Polyamory will not be normalised. Woman having multiple husbands (aka cuckgamy) will not be normalised. Polygamy where men have multiple wives (polygyny) may be more widely accepted, although I don't know about normalisation.

despisedlove2 · 2016-12-03T03:55:15+00:00

I like the idea of normalizing polyamory because it would put women at a sexual/romantic advantage, because men are much more likely to wish to have multiple romantic relationships at once.

...

This would give women more options since there'd be less men who are off-limits.

If you think that women not having the sexual/romantic advantage in relationships is the problem with modern society, you must inhabit this Earth's evil cousin reality. How is the weather there these days? Toasty?

Falkner1992 · 2016-12-03T16:10:20+00:00

Interesting point. Imo, there's no denying that polyamory is the natural state of affairs. The problem is it doesn't really work out too well outside of the primitive, tribal setting humans originated from.

What inevitably happens in a polyamorous societies is you have a small group of top men hogging up all the women for themselves, and leaving men with the bottom with nothing. Again, this can work in the tribal setting, where most men are really only useful as cannon fodder and little else... but in a large, civilizational setting like ours? Not so much.

[deleted] · 2016-12-03T22:58:18+00:00

yakuzaou · 2016-12-04T09:38:23+00:00

Monogamy is definitely a social construct. I agree with that; however, I don't understand this mindset of "we need to one-up men." It's not a competition. A lot of men may like polygamy, but that doesn't mean an equal amount of women need to like it too.

artietx · 2016-12-05T19:20:42+00:00

Why would I want it normalized? So that society directly tells you "if you aren't alpha we don't care about you and you get no chance at all"?

Most men wouldn't benefit from it, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. If there's no social pressure on alphas not to cover more women, then what's left for others?

SmallishBiGuy · 2017-05-20T03:26:36+00:00

I have 8 years of experience around swinging, and later 7 years with polyamory. In my opinion the swingers and the polyamorist that are heiarchical are being the most pragmatic and will have longer marriages to their primary partner. The egalitarian type works for very few people, especially if all living together. They breakup over non sexual things, usually, just as roommates get frustrated with eachother. So, there's a movement in some of the most progressive poly areas towards relationship anarchy. There's probably enough poly people to pull off the frequent relationship changes that will happen, in cities like Portland and San Francisco. I now believe that most humans are socially monogamous, but not sexually monogamous. The two tendencies clash in traditional monogamy. I believe the swingers that form tight friendships with playmates have the best of both worlds. I also think that many more swinger couples grow old together when compared to couples that opened up into polyamory.
Thanks for debating this. I don't know of many forums that can handle this. The poly forums are obviously biased.

SkinnySweaty · 2016-12-02T19:25:47+00:00

Monogamy IS a social construct, polyamory is practiced by a lot of people today already. You can have both, and as you said, we already do.

Candy_Kittens · 2016-12-02T17:17:39+00:00

I thought polyamory was normalized?

Title	Do you think that monogamy is a social construct & that polyamory could become normalized?
Author	mistixs
Upvotes	2
Comments	129
Date	December 2, 2016 5:03 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/5g4cyb/do_you_think_that_monogamy_is_a_social_construct/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-you-think-that-monogamy-is-a-social-construct.271535 https://theredarchive.com/post/271535

Comments