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[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple354 points355 points356 points 6 years ago (32 children) | Copy Link
Honestly, I think this is why so many of us older gals opted out. We had our kids or are child free and decided we are better off alone. Is there more stability and legal benefits in married life? Maybe. But more likely than not, you'll work 45 hours, take on the majority of the child work and house chores, and at the end of it take care of a sick man who dies 5 to 10 years before you do and you're alone anyway.
Ladies, hold out for someone that truly offers a more equitable relationship. And to my younger sisters on here- being alone has ALOT of perks. You do not need a man. Marrying a NVM or LVM is a much, much worse fate.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie173 points174 points175 points 6 years ago (28 children) | Copy Link
I love that you older ladies take no BS!!!! I wanna be like you when I grow older!
A while ago I read an article that basically said, retired older women don't want to marry and/or move in with a man (but are A-Ok with dating), while retired, older men were desperate to get married and/or move in with a woman. Gee I wonder why???
Women have been taught to pretty much do everything: work/career, childcare, housework, eat healthy and exercise (from the man's perspective is mainly for her to stay hot and thin, ugh), keep ourselves healthy, stay good looking (which ties again, usually to being healthy). It's time that we women acknowledge our real worth!
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple112 points113 points114 points 6 years ago (27 children) | Copy Link
Yup. I need to write a post about the dating scene over 30 and over 40. The number of men that "let themselves go" is insane. But holy hell am I glad I didn't marry one of them when I was 25!!!
Its true about the retired men; I have two single friends dating over 60 and they have men constantly proposing. Quite funny actually because they are basically players/ Maneaters (I say that with love, I don't have a good term for a lady who takes on male boyfriends as they suit her needs).
I've also found it much easier to find a guy looking for an LTR immediately in the over 35 crowd; to the point where alot of the FDS stuff doesn't apply. My friends and I have had to change some of our rules accordingly. My guess is these guys miss their exes. 😆
[–]LateNightLattes01FDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I would definitely be interested in this read if you decide to do one!
[–]sweatydeath42 points43 points44 points 6 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Would you? I think it would make an interesting read
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple34 points35 points36 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Ok I'll do it. Haha you ladies wore me down.
[–]getrippeddiemirinFDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Yay!! Thank you!! :D
As a 27 year old fool, knowledge from women older than us is one of the best gifts imo. Thoroughly convinced XYs push their BS about women 40+ in part to create a rift between you and us youngins
[–]BovvsetteFDS Disciple20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Definitely. Older women are menacing to the manipulative assholes, because they have experience to share, patterns to recognize and tips on how not to get played for a fool. Since these rapey borderline incels prey on naive and vulnerable, such anti-manipulation tutorial providers as experienced women is a huge threat to their paper thin illusions. So better to convince their prey that these women are just jealous hags and you shouldn't mind them giving you tips on how to avoid being a self-destructive pickmeisha.
This exchange between various women is partly what FDS is, sharing wisdom and experiences while highlighting signs of danger. And look how aggressively the toxic manosphere reacts to it, they fidget and hiss as if a bucket of holy water is applied to them.
[–]nopuedeser818FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And look how aggressively the toxic manosphere reacts to it, they fidget and hiss as if a bucket of holy water is applied to them.
I love how you describe them! Perfect!
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This makes a lot of sense if you think about how media/culture (mostly patriarchal and/or controlled by men) put as absolute value in a woman, her youth (30+ are not good anymore) and older women are usually painted as unreliable or crazy (crazy cat lady, crones, old wives tales, witches)
By dividing us, it's a lot easier to control us.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
What FDS stuff wouldn't apply? And do you think that list changes from decade to decade? (Like, different rules for 40 compared to 50, etc)
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple80 points81 points82 points 6 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link
I am going to generalize here in a huge way, but here are my annotated field notes from the trenches:
First, its pretty easy to avoid fuckboys because there really aren't any. Or perhaps they are targeting younger women.
Second, its also significantly easier to judge run-of-the-mill ZVM or NVM because its painfully obvious who spent the last two decades of adulthood leveling up and who went the mom's basement/ prison/ drugie route.
Also, when you don't care about marriage/ children, you have a different set of priorities. A LVM may add something of quality for right now, since there's no such thing as 'wasting time' or 'wasting your youth' (caveat: I'm talking specifically of women well over 30+ who are not interested in having more children).
Moreover, sex changes. ED is such a huge issue- and not due to porn, but rather injuries from various traumas over the years or a simple lack of testosterona. The issue isn't finding a man that 'only wants you for sex,' but finding a man that wants sex at all!
The instant chemistry, butterflies, and connections you feel in your 20s doesn't really exist anymore- at least once you've had a few good LTRs, STRs, and maybe a fling or two thrown in. We've seen it all, felt it up, and moved on. My gfs and I talk alot more about what the guy cooked us for dinner than the romance and excitement. Chore compatibility is something men often bring up within the first few months, so its equally important to them.
Relationships dont progress in the same way- when two people own their own houses, its pointless to move in together. So, no more fear of being a forever girlfriend!
Finally, its the men who want exclusivity almost immediately. My friends and I have had to develop strategies to avoid exclusivity within the first few months, not seek it!
Overall, I wouldn't say FDS rules don't apply. Most absolutely do. But alot of the bullshit men that FDS teaches you to avoid at 25 don't exist at 40+ and other issues change in scope and thus, rules must be adjusted accordingly.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
Goddang, this is all legit gold information! Thank you so much for breaking it down like this, this should definitely be stickied somewhere! :D
One more question: Besides my cynical reasons, do you think there's other reasons for retired/older men that age to want to be exclusive asap?
[–]delawenFDS Newbie34 points35 points36 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
If you keep dating other men, they can be easily replaced and forgotten. And they know that.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
And they know that.
OMFG
Loved this response XD
I'm bookmarking this post for the future!
[–]delawenFDS Newbie22 points23 points24 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I'm surprised it was not a trivial answer to you. I thought of not posting because it was obvious to me :)
At some point they are the ones that become pickmeishas. Specially those that don't know how to live alone: they need someone to take care of them as they become older. They need a caretaker-wife. And even those who claim to be aging as good as wine, they know they can't "waste their last good years" without getting a wife to take care of them. Roles are reversed somehow.
But we are so not used to the change of roles that most of us fail to understand it. And tend to fall on the same old routines and end up taking care of men that don't give an equal care in return. And some men become more violent as they see how they age and degrade and the situation escapes their control.
This is changing as new generations used to divorce are growing older and we learn women can live alone and be happy.
But there's still this fear of dying alone that haunts us.
I also have another advantage against this fear: as a bisexual I can calmly see myself growing old with a woman lover. And that's a big relief and removes a lot of the stress in the dating scene. WLW couples also have issues, but at least we all start on the same position.
Maybe it's because I'm closer to 40 than 30, but everything /u/virginiadancer says resonates strongly on me.
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I totally agree. We become fuckboys- though with way less sex (maybe that's just me and my friends though haha) and men become pickmes. I also personally know of women who make men into forever boyfriends which again, at 40+ can often benefit a woman, depending on her priorities.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Not at all! I'm 34 myself so I can't imagine the insight of my older fellow ladies, so this is all very informative and eye opening!
I personally am not afraid of dying alone, if anything, I can save money to hire a caretaker to help me along in the last few years :D and if things change in the next few decades, who knows? Maybe euthanasia will become legal and more socially accepted, and I can go on my terms.
Edit: afraid, not two alones, lol
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Because the dating pool is WAY skewed in our favor. Its so easy for us to go on 50 dates a year if you want. The men are lucky if they get FIVE dates. This is coming from a fairly large sample size, between notes my friends and I have taken. MOST single women are busy raising their kids or pursuing careers and opt out of the dating market leaving a ton of men without options. One of my engineering friends researched for a year and his best guess was its an 8 to 1 ratio. The men realize this and try to lock it down. The women vet and ask tough questions, too. Many men hate the experienece; says it feels like a job interview.
I don't actually ask any questions on dates. I have a different strategy that prioritizes experiences and actions over words. But thats another topic.
[–]highoncatnipbrowniesFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I would love to read a post on that topic.
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Annotated version:
I treat them like casual acquaintances I know, just as if I met a new coworker or potential friend. I let the conversation flow casually, and keep dates under an hour.
Over the next few weeks/ months, I create situations or opportunities for them to show who they are. I ask for help doing something, I reject them, I bring them to stressful events, etc. I do not manufacture these situations but rather as they arise naturally in my life, I reach out for the guy I'm talking to to help.
Nothing about this is fake; rather its being MORE authentic earlier on. Instead of sunshine and rainbows, I'll ask a guy to help me more furniture or come to an event I don't want to go to or whatever. I'm not depending on them, but they can step up and show themselves to be reliable friends/ partners or not. Most jump at the opportunity to prove themselves and regardless of what a man SAYS he will do, I saw his actions.
Also, I don't care about marriage so the friendship quality is much more important to me. Will this man help me if I need him or am I only here on his time?
[–]jmaydizzleFDS Apprentice9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thanks sis. Honestly reading yours and other older ladies of the group’s posts are TRULY inspirational and I’m so glad that I’ve found this source of wealth and knowledge!!
Love to you all x
[–]AlienUtteringsFDS Apprentice[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And yet they claim that WE are the ones frantic to settle down...
[–]virginiadancerFDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
To answer your second question: also yes. I have friends that date over 50 and over 60. Totally different game for them. Priorities shift and the men have different sets of issues. Ive only dated to 45, so I can't speak from my own experience but from what my friends tell me, its dating for friendship/ fun and not for marriage at all. Perhaps some of the older sisters in this sub can speak to this. Maybe my gfs over 50 are just bona-fide Maneaters. 😆
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Maybe my gfs over 50 are just bona-fide Maneaters
Queens do as queens want! :D
[–]TheOuts1derFDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I too would love to know these changes in rules
[–]thatsmyname12FDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
They miss what their exes did for them. This has been my experience 100%, it's scary. Can't wait for your post!
[–]appendixgallopFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm 61 and dating here and there. A majority of single guys my age are uneducated, broke, unhealthy, misogynist, ungroomed, slovenly, vehicle fetishists, and looking for a Nurse With a Purse.
[–]Davina33FDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
So true. As a woman with autoimmune disease and other illnesses I just don't have the energy for that but I never wanted children to start with. I remember watching my poor mother being run ragged by four children, a violent and drunken abusive stepfather snapping his fingers at her. I didn't want that kind of like and I was quickly forced to care for my three younger brothers. It's exhausting. I'm just so glad to be born in a time where this is feasible for us, although I'm aware that isn't the case still for many women around the world.
[–]chateauduchatFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is one of the many reasons why I am childfree. Even if you go through the arduous process of finding a HVM, there is no guarantee that he will do (at least) 50% of the childcare. Even the most “feminist” men out there will typically still fail to put in the same amount of effort for childrearing that the woman puts in.
[–]NeptunianBabeFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well said 👏🏼👏🏼
[–]Wait__No__WhatFDS Newbie313 points314 points315 points 6 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
When I was a newlywed, my (now ex) husband criticized how I did his laundry.
Once.
I picked the laundry basket up off the bed, dropped it on the floor and told him "There's a way to stamp out this incompetence. Do it yourself."
Then I sat down on the bed, picked up a magazine and started reading. And I never did his laundry again.
[–]riseaboveagainFDS Apprentice118 points119 points120 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
😂 “He who complains about a free service, gets no more free service” is an old saying in my house.
[–]toxicshocktacoFDS Newbie29 points30 points31 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This guy I was briefly talking to told me how he wants a woman to do his laundry because he doesn't like to. And then proceeded to tell me his ex-wife cleans his house! That's fucked!
[–]blindreaper469FDS Newbie43 points44 points45 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I have to ask. Was he good at it?
[–]Wait__No__WhatFDS Newbie63 points64 points65 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He was 28 when we got married, so he was no stranger to cooking and cleaning up after himself. He would actually get up and iron himself a shirt every morning. Better him than me!
[–]trekMT7900FDS Newbie73 points74 points75 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Lol. Who cares 😂
[–]blindreaper469FDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don't, but I always appreciate hearing how incompetent skids are at housework.
[–]crystalspringspaceThrowaway Account9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This brings back memories of how my ex did his laundry. I like the smell of freshly cleaned laundry. But he didn’t like his laundry to have ANY smell. So he used odorless everything including scent less dryer sheets. He also would use the tiniest amount of detergent recommended; I read the guidelines for how much to use but also add a little extra for good measure. Because of how he did laundry + how long he kept his clothes before throwing them out, his stuff ended up smelling like mold. I remember having to bring my own face towels when I would visit him because his smelled like mildew and he wouldn’t replace them.
[–]greatcathyFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Or drop a red sock in with his white shirts and do a hot wash. "Oh, whoops, sorry!" Source: Sheri Tepper
[–]YarikEnterpriseFDS Disciple232 points233 points234 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Don't forget, most of the time these days :
Pay 50% of the bills
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie120 points121 points122 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
But women are the gold-diggers! /s
[–]Thrifty_Panda_BearThrowaway Account67 points68 points69 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Had my MIL and SIL call me a gold digger bc their son made 1500/month. Before bills, after bills? We had about 500 to live on if we were lucky. Not so lucky? 200 to live on for the month.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie162 points163 points164 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
My mother died at 45. Her husband sexually abused me as a child and all in my teens had sexually charged conversations directed at me and objectified me. My mother refused to divorce him and blamed me. He also bragged about never doing laundry; I did my own laundry while she did everyone else's, he almost never made dinner and when the dog got sick and puked I'm the kitchen and I called him to ask where the cleaners were he said "call your mother." She died at 45. The autopsy showed nothing. One of the last things she said to me was "I know he can be an asshole sometimes! But what do you want me to do? Divorce him?!!" That stung.Yes. I believe she died out of terror of being outted as being complicit cause I was always honest.
I believe she also died because I was the last one leaving the nest which left her alone with him and I think deep down she was scared of him.
Mormon family, very sick. And he married 1 year after and bragged that she's only 13 years older and bragged that my mother was only 110 pounds when she died.
Never ever stay in relationships with these men this is abuse.
These men want a sex slave and maid.
Mother should've chosen me. (Sorry; she died June, 4th, 2016, this one is still fresh. And her last words hurt me so much. )
I will never be like her or make her same mistakes, or put men before my sisters and I'll never have kids but if I did a man would be begging for his life before he put his hands on my daughter. Women first, always, before LVM especially.
[–]CucharamamaFDS Newbie55 points56 points57 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Sorry for your loss ❤️. I hope you are able to heal from your tramatic past! ❤️
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie54 points55 points56 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
As bad as it sounds I'm relieved. She was terrible. Thanks for listening 💞
I am going to see a trauma specialist after shut downs end and seek intensive care.
[–]Unable_CatpersonFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s not at all bad to feel relieved. She abused you and kept you in harms way—the opposite of what a parent should do. Glad you’re getting help! If it ever gets bad they have some great over the phone therapy.
[–][deleted] 41 points42 points43 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m so sorry. I know grief for a mother that didn’t protect you is complicated. It’s ok to feel all the crappy feelings. I see you. You are worthy.
[–]N2GenFDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m sorry for your suffering and the abuse you endured <3
[–]jmaydizzleFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs 💕
[–]3554688FDS Newbie141 points142 points143 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
This reminds me when my uncle once said to his wife "I met my mother before you in my life, so she always comes first".
My mom told my dad that if he were to ever utter those words to her, she would tell him, "Oh? Your mom comes first? Then whenever you want to fuck something put it inside of her instead" and leave him.
My mom has strong energy. I admire it and strive to be just like her.
[–]YarikEnterpriseFDS Disciple46 points47 points48 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Your momma is fierce. I got stars in my eyes reading that.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
PFFFTTT! Uncle should marry his mom then, if she always comes first.
While I understand loving and treasuring our parents, parents have each other... you don't choose your parents, you are supposed to learn from them, leave the nest, and outlive them. Your partner though, it's the one person who (ideally) will share your lifespan and life stages. Even your kids don't come before your partner (YMMV in this, and of course it doesn't mean you don't care and love them properly)
[–]just_takin_the_dFDS Apprentice8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I hate when people say "___ comes first in my life". Like, why do your priorities need to be so black and white? Why can't that uncle balance both his relationships with his mother and his wife? Seems like some kind of sick competition, where the wife will get upset about him backing the mother always and will call the wife 'crazy'.
I see a lot of the "my kids will always come first over you" on online dating and I'm so thankful they wave that red flag straight up. I don't need some guy that doesn't respect my life or my time.
[–]3554688FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
My grandmother is a narcissist by definition and wants all her children to cater to her before any of their spouses or children. I honestly believe she has been like this since the beginning since almost all my aunts and uncles dont have the strength to set boundaries with her. My dad has been able to but just because my mom is a strong person and doesnt give an F what other people think, including my dad's of the family. She has told my grandma straight up that she should back off and to respect boundaries.
Her and my grandma have always butt heads over this and my mom is labeled the "black sheep" of the family because of it. But she's doesnt care which I love the most. She says as long as she can invest being a good mother to us and a spouse that that is all she cares about.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Holy fuck, your grandma and my grandma could almost be sisters, the only difference is that my mom resigned herself and my dad has a lot of underlying trauma/issues due to being mentally abused and manipulated by his brothers and mother (my grandma).
I can't wait until my parents are free of that bitch. Seriously my dad would be a somewhat ok husband/father if it hadn't been for his shitty family.
[–]nopuedeser818FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That is so messed up. It makes no sense either.
[–]4BigDataFDS Newbie59 points60 points61 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I want young women to be warned about the institution of marriage being set up to extract free labor from women, but we also have to alert them about how common domestic violence really is.
We are letting young girls buy into a fairy tale that puts them in danger.
[–]just_takin_the_dFDS Apprentice11 points12 points13 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
As the post stated, married women die younger whilst married men live longer. They are literally stealing those women's life energy so they can be lazy assholes and domestically abusive in some cases
Yep, and older men doesn't equate to more inoffensive ones, either. Lots of female caretakers (either wives, other family or paid professionals) get verbally, physically and mentally abused by these old men who can't accept that they're old, fragile, and their manliness is essentially over. They literally spread their negativity to those caretakers just to make themselves feel better.
[–]woke_avocadoPickmeisha™️8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
[–][deleted] 52 points53 points54 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You forgot 50/50 bills aka requiring a full time 9-5 on top of this 🤡
[–]Gaki-fan-too74 points75 points76 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I remember reading a comment a looooong time ago about a guy wanting to use his friend's laundry machine. It went something like:
Man: my washer and dryer broke
Woman: I hope you get it fixed
[–]HorrorConfusionFDS Newbie50 points51 points52 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
This was my life for 11 years. I slowly stopped doing everything until we lived in almost squalor. Disgusting
[–]karmasbitchslap60 points61 points62 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah, I love that therapist-favorite advice of “just let his stuff sit until it bothers him enough to tackle it!” There are so many men that will let it sit until the end of time. And by then it’s rotted. And then they’ll buy another one because the old one disintegrated. And then I’ve lost my damn mind and my will to live along the way.
[–]HorrorConfusionFDS Newbie21 points22 points23 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I'm kind of thinking the therapists might be a little wrong with that advice cuz all it did is make me look lazy! And yes, my therapist told me to do it lolol
[–]jmaydizzleFDS Apprentice1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is the situation with my mum and step dad and it’s just awful. When I lived there, I would do a thorough clean every couple of weeks (clean freak) as I just couldn’t put up with it... now it’s just gross, frankly. I don’t think it’s had the same thorough clean since I moved out years ago....
[–]bheyokaFDS Newbie61 points62 points63 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I never did or do my husband’s laundry. And so it sits in a perpetual wrinkled ball next to the dryer for all eternity.
[–]bheyokaFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
OMG thank you so much for my very first major award!!!!!!
[–]gendercrit_throwFDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's not complete. Make him do the kid's laundry as well.
[–]karmasbitchslap14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Jesus Christ I am feeling this right now.
[–]guernseyferret851 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same. 10 years of marriage and a child and I'm wondering at what point I became his mum, and too afraid to confront him about it.
[–]ny-ladyFDS Apprentice41 points42 points43 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Good thing Im single with a great life.
[–]Wait__No__WhatFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Young, unmarried ladies, I'm talking to you here, so listen up and take this to heart.
BEGIN AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON.
This means BEFORE you just take on a bunch of chores and shit to show what a great wife you are, or worse, because it's expected, STOP.
STOP and ask yourself "Is this something I want to do for the rest of my life?" Do you WANT to be the one washing fucking dishes, and cooking, and shopping, doing laundry, and housework for the rest of your life? Do you WANT to be doing this shit in addition to taking care of one or two kids?
No? Didn't think so. Who, in their right mind would?
So, BEGIN as you mean to go on. If you're not willing to do this shit forever, then don't START. Never give the man ANY expectation that YOU are responsible for running the home, and he's just there to "help".
Don't budge on this issue, ever. Cuz once you add kids to the equation, the wheels come off real quick. Men will take everything you are willing to give.
[–]leilaa29FDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Have any of you managed to find a partner/husband who actually shares the load? This is one of the main things that terrifies me about marriage.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ugh I read some horror stories here where the ladies thought that the guy was clean, because he cleaned, did laundry, etc, at his place, but as soon as they moved in, they dropped all of that because "she was here to do it, now."
The level of manipulation, deceit and lies men will go through is astounding, and they call women the manipulators, ugh.
[–]grand_tiremasterFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don't even have kids and my libido is in the gutter lol. I say no to sex 9.5 times out of 10. If a man expects me to be some sex lunatic then our marriage will also go into the gutter.
[–]ringocometofight1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And STILL get cheated on
[–]leftclicksq2FDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago* (11 children) | Copy Link
Admittedly I'm guilty of this, but it ended up being a great experiment.
An ex was living with his best friend when their washer broke. He called me frantic because his work shirts were in there. I had him come over and I did his wash while he watched TV. Mind you he didn't bring over the detergent he wanted, so I used the stuff made specifically for gym clothes since his work shirts were partially Spandex.
The next day he sent me a lengthy text cutting down how I washed his clothes. I fondly recall one line reading, "Someone has to learn what mass, area, and volume is". My response? The next time you ask, go to the laundromat or your parents'. I got called "mean", lol.
Leading up to breaking up with him - not specifically for the above instance- was when I met someone else. We got into the conversation about laundry -of all things- and he asked about what I use for my clothes because he had so many allergic reactions to other detergents. One thing lead to another and he asked if I would wash a few of his things (boxers were part of that) and see if he had a reaction or that would become his new detergent. I almost declined, but I thought better of it and accepted.
He was elated, not only because he didn't breakout, but because I had his clothes in a neat, folded pile. He told me he wouldn't have minded if I didn't fold anything, but it meant so much to him that I actually showed care to his things. Then he said he felt bad that I washed some of his underwear, but he couldn't thank me enough. The only thing he asked me was if we could go out on the weekend and pick up what I used for him.
So I know it was unconventional, but it showed me that a task like laundry is an accurate barometer of appreciation vs. expectation.
[–]HhjjuuyFDS Apprentice38 points39 points40 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
A man you had just met asked you to do his laundry and you did it. How is this a good thing? He then took you out, to the store, to run an errand with him.
Am I missing something here?
[–]saxophonepaxFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
This is exactly what I'm thinking...surely he should have just asked what she uses, gone out himself to buy it then washed his clothes to test it out. Did saving £7 or so on detergent for testing mean she had to wash his clothes. Even if he didn't want to spend the money, he could have just asked her for a tablet or two to test it out himself. Sounds to me like he just wanted to test HER and see if she was vulnerable to being manipulated and also had the ability to be his new bangmaid. It's called conditioning. What a way to test that than asking a new woman to wash your clothes (and his dirty boxers too!!) then acting massively appreciative so she is now conditioned to do it over and over !! Like what!! THE AUDACITY.
[–]leftclicksq2FDS Newbie-1 points0 points1 point 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I commented above that I should have been more specific. The new guy I talked to for a month and went on two dates with.
The first guy I was with for over five years. That was the first time in all of our relationship that he ever asked me to do his laundry.
I was aware -at least from what my ex told me- that his friend would overload the washing machine to the point it would stop. Then when it actually broke the washing machine I could understand the urgency and thought there was nothing wrong with bringing everything here.
It ended up being the first and last time!
[–]leftclicksq2FDS Newbie-5 points-4 points-3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I had been talking to him for a month and we had gone out on two dates. I see how it comes off like I met this person two days prior and now I'm washing his clothes!
[–]saxophonepaxFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A month and two dates to wash a man's dirty boxers....oh my.
[–]Wait__No__WhatFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
a task like laundry is an accurate barometer of appreciation vs. expectation.
Or...it's an accurate barometer of whether you're dating a boy vs a grown ass man who can take care of his own shit.
Or...it's an accurate barometer of PickMeisha vs Queen.
DON'T DO HIS LAUNDRY.
[–]AlienUtteringsFDS Apprentice[S] 13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I had him come over and I did his wash while he watched TV.
Oh yikesyikesyikes. Glad he's been dumped in the garbage where he belongs forever.
[–]leftclicksq2FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
We had been together for over five years. We had issues that festered - going out on a date meant I was staring at the top of his head while he dicked around on his phone- that he didn't see any importance in working on.
That fact aside, the friend who he lived with called me one day and told me my ex was awful to live with. A few months later, his friend asked him to move out because he just proposed to his girlfriend. Him and his friend weren't even under the same roof for six months when my ex was asked to leave!
[–]AlienUtteringsFDS Apprentice[S] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You deserve better. At least now he's facing the consequences of his own intolerability.
[–]PR0N0IAFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Huge red flags can be found in relation to laundry...
I could legit crumple my husbands clothes in a ball & shove them in the drawers (I’ve done it in a hurry with his socks before lol) — and he still wouldn’t criticize me. If his work shirts are too crinkled, he’ll just stick them in the dryer on high heat morning of or iron them himself. Every now and then, he’ll ask if I mind ironing a shirt because he has a big presentation the next day that he’s working late on so I’ll touch an iron maybe 3-4 times a year (I avoid buying clothes that need to be ironed for myself). I also don’t even have to sort laundry because we have 3 hampers that we both put the appropriate colors in as we go about our lives.
In terms of division of household labor I may do all of the laundry but he does 70% of the cooking & 50% of the other cleaning so I guess I have it pretty good.
[–]riseaboveagainFDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes - exactly this. Appreciation is an important ingredient of a happy relationship.
[–]Wajirock2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Do grown men really have their spouses do their laundry?
yes :(
[–]alluringivFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Honestly stepford wife type shit
[–]SuchBarracudaFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This has always terrified me about marriage....the thought if working a full time job then coming home to cook and clean and mind the children till bed time to a nagging husband.. no thanks! This is not the life I want... ever! My friend who's a well educated and successful woman dorsnt even realise how unbalanced her marriage is. She pays the mortgate( her house) but also contributes to the Bills and daycare?, on top of that teaches as an adjunct professor at the local university...her husband might be less depressed today to do something... no no and no
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