Reminder: Male sexual attention is not a compliment, and you should not make receiving it a priority.

backforbeskar · 2020-03-12T20:30:27+00:00

Yep. This point is key to unlearning pickme behavior. Men don’t aggressively hit on women that they find amazing or super attractive. They hit on women that they think they have a chance with. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-03-12T21:30:20+00:00

I’m waaaay past the fake wall expiration date. Like many women my age and older I didn’t become invisible- I’ve got the required look and shape for male sexualized attention.

At midlife, divorced from a long marriage I went from high school dropout to Master’s degree. I applied the skills acquired to the personal. No more negative self talk and comfort eating- it was hard work to stop bad shit ingrained from birth and reinforced autonomically by a culture that needs women to be lesser.

During and after my divorce there was no reason to date though my private thoughts entertained romantic notions inspired by novels and surreal unrealistic ideas of how we would finally meet.

Then I started dating. There’s nothing like the crushing disappointment of fail no matter who, what or how.

At first I was angry and confused. All these men of all different ages and of every kind showing interest from fleeting to intense pursuit. It took many months to sort out that attention was not the gold standard I had been taught. Male attention only means I was a potential fuck- that in some porn inspired universe they’d use me for orgasm. Male attention was nothing that I believed.

I then marinated on all the “relationships” experienced. From pocket pal text messaging to 1,2 or 3 dates to the few that lasted months. And then a deep dive journaling about every relationships I ever had. Universal to all is these experiences is a hard to explain issue of never being known by the men I’ve got to know intimately and often for years.

Men have this blindness. A willful capacity to stop seeing a woman as herself and instead believe whatever narrative that suits them. It doesn’t matter how fucked up or facts or years of knowledge and experiences with the woman. I was always erased and then suited up with a projection- always some sort of a Barbie with an interchangeable designation that befitted the situation. I was good/bad wife Barbie, old bitch Barbie, OLD disposable Barbie and ad infinitum.

This is a Neo popped free from the Matrix bombshell experience for me.

FDS has shown me that globally how common disrespect is from men to women and that nothing good ever comes from it. I’m overwhelmed by the enormity of what I have experienced on the daily for decades and ignored and then blamed myself.

I’m at this ground zero of understanding men and everything I ever was led to believe was normal.

And seriously in a sort of mourning. Not for romance book romance but that my normal desire for a partner is a no.

I’m definitely thankful for this space free from all the men who make my experience universally common.

I’m also grateful for all the advice, analysis and insight.

And finally, I posted the other day about still being 15% sad about all of this revelation. I think being sad is ok. That big ideas that kill my simple, basic goal of happiness in partnership- that all this reflection is my funeral for my hopes. The silver lining: knowing exactly what love looks like if that ever happens my way.

greenteaapplepie69 · 2020-03-13T01:01:14+00:00

I wish there were men who didn't see sex as a tool for domination and degradation. I wish sex was about respect, care and maybe love too.

the way I view sex is completely different to how men view it and that makes me sad. some lie about it just to get in your pants.

Ka_Tetof99 · 2020-03-12T20:38:12+00:00

Does anyone remember that reddit post about the dude fucking the (moldy, maggot-filled) coconut?

Really tells you all you need to know, I think.

Bovvsette · 2020-03-12T20:20:53+00:00

Male sexual attention is worthless, even inanimate objects like dolls, drawings, pillows and figurines can get it. I'd rather avoid it if I can, as that attention turns the worst of them into harassing, objectifying, dehumanizing, raping, abusing and murdering beasts. I'd prefer to not be seen as a sexy decoration that is easily accessible for male pleasure and entertainment. Fuck that.

cocainetea · 2020-03-13T01:27:09+00:00

I remember a neckbeard/niceguy tried to tell me I'm sooooooo lucky that I'm a girl because I can get just about anyone to fuck me.

Like, OKAY?! Did I ask for that? No, I'm not looking for some random fuck, I'm looking for someone to respect me. Getting a random thirsty dude to have sex is easy, everyone wants their dick wet. How is that a compliment????

metisviking · 2020-03-12T19:53:50+00:00

Also, when a guy respects you he usually will not express any direct sexual interest because he doesn't want to creep you out.

But if he's into you he's attracted. Don't sweat it.

I dated someone and I expressed that I had never kissed anyone before him because no one expressed and interest in me. That I had been in situations where my intuition said the person wanted me to kiss them, but because it wasn't clear to me I didn't feel it would be appropriate to kiss them without verbal proof that they wanted me to. His response? "Of course they wanted you to kiss them, are you kidding?" And this is from someone who kept not giving me direct indications of attraction. I was dumb and didn't realize til later he was probably projecting the interest of other people because he liked me but didn't want to be too forward. Either because he was intentionally witholding it or because he was afraid of coming off as creepy.

madjax91 · 2020-03-12T20:54:13+00:00

I needed this reminder. I tend to get down on myself if I haven't been complemented in a long time, and trying to get out of that mindset has been SO hard. I really shouldn't give shit. Recovering pickme I guess.

missand_ryca · 2020-03-13T02:21:52+00:00

I work in a job and study in a class were 99% are women, and let me tell you girls, after I started to experiment with clothes, hair and make up, being complimented by them is much more ego-boosting than any male attention I’ve ever received in my life. There is no fear or embarrassment associated those women’s compliments, and even if I feel I’m not looking so good as they say, just the fact they say it to be nice warms my heart. And of course I make a point to often compliment all of them too!

2020-03-13T02:28:35+00:00

1/5 boys who grew up on a farm lost their virginity to livestock. Think about that next time a guy tries to tell you you’re unfuckable 😂

Sewud · 2020-03-13T02:34:55+00:00

Male emotional attention isn't a compliment either. I fall into the trap of thinking that men liking a woman is significant. "Oh wow he likes me, it's rare that he meets someone he likes, I must give him a fair chance." He would like any young sexually available woman who accepted to talk to him. Never forget. Men will try on 10000 girls until one's dumb enough to reciprocate. Or worse they will coerce one. Never believe them when they say it's special.

Liz_Lemondrop · 2020-03-13T03:09:45+00:00

My (male) coworker told me yesterday that a client was staring at and commenting on my ass. He said it like I would be flattered. Men have no conception that sexual attention in the workplace is not a compliment.

ThunderofHipHippos · 2020-03-13T00:12:05+00:00

I wish I learned this lesson a decade ago, but looking back and cringing means I'm growing.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-03-13T00:47:57+00:00

I love this quote, even if it is fake: https://pics.astrologymemes.com/its-flattering-knowing-men-desire-me-but-then-remember-a-16317708.png

hydrohydrangeas · 2020-03-13T02:02:36+00:00

There’s a great Oscar Wilde quotation about this. “Everything in this world is about sex except sex. Sex is about about power.”

miz_nyc · 2020-03-13T00:49:55+00:00

PREACH 🙏🏾

You are giving all your power away trying to be something a man will compliment. It's just not worth it!

shhhbpd · 2020-03-13T01:46:03+00:00

The grossest part is my own white boomer father had a huge hand in this brainwashing. Imagine having an ego so fragile you choose to pedestal male sexuality and it’s all importance in your own children’s worldview. At 24 it’s difficult for me to not be bitter and resentful about the way it’s shaped so many dangerous choices I made when I was a preteen-teenager-young woman.

MzOpinion8d · 2020-03-13T03:07:46+00:00

Had a guy on a dating app ask me out once. I replied politely that I didn’t think we were a good match. His reply was “you’re only getting older, and your looks won’t last forever, you know”!!!

Apparently I should have been so flattered that he was willing to give me the time of day.

Amelania · 2020-03-13T01:53:58+00:00

Upvote for "Or with a McChicken". I died. It's overtaken "with a lump of Play-Doh" as my favorite example of what men will fuck 🤣🤣

Also, this is a completely factual post. 🎯

OnlyWantLove · 2020-03-12T20:45:48+00:00

So much THIS!

I've come to the point where I instantly lose attraction to a guy who compliments me now.

_albinoni_ · 2020-03-13T00:18:37+00:00

Men have man-washed us!!

tauruspiscescancer · 2020-03-13T04:25:29+00:00

Whew I wish someone had told this to me 6 years ago!! This is what made me the biggest PICK-ME back in college 🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️

AutoModerator · 2020-03-12T18:50:16+00:00

NOTE: This sub does NOT support the commercial porn industry, as it is an institution that promotes and normalizes sexual aggression, incest, pedophilia, violence, racism, degradation, low sexual satisfaction, and objectification of women and girls, many of whom have been drugged, raped, misled, trafficked and otherwise coerced to appear on film.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

ComfortableHead3 · 2020-03-13T03:10:18+00:00

The best of this subreddit needs to be compiled into a book and app that I can take with me and lean on as needed.
Obligatory: https://youtu.be/XPpsI8mWKmg

supremelyparanoid · 2020-03-13T03:42:48+00:00

The McChicken line haha sis 😂😂😂

Whateverrr_345 · 2020-03-13T15:05:01+00:00

Hi OP, I agree with your message & gave you silver because I cant afford gold lol. But this message is super important. I would rather be respected than gawked and leered at and vying for male attention. Male attention is absolutely nothing special and is overly abundant.

droppedofftata · 2020-03-13T00:01:49+00:00

USERNAME. CHECKS. OUT.

ashleecakes · 2020-03-13T02:42:47+00:00

PREACH SISTER!

Whateverrr_345 · 2020-03-13T15:05:34+00:00

Hi OP, I agree with your message & gave you silver because I cant afford gold lol. But this message is super important. I would rather be respected than gawked and leered at and vying for male attention. Male attention is absolutely nothing special and is overly abundant.

sluttony · 2020-03-12T22:57:57+00:00

I needed this, thank you

Moomookawa · 2020-03-13T00:42:17+00:00

To add on to this, male attention in general.

Title	Reminder: Male sexual attention is not a compliment, and you should not make receiving it a priority.
Author	MagicalMedical
Upvotes	1467
Comments	97
Date	March 12, 2020 6:50 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fhlcs5/reminder_male_sexual_attention_is_not_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reminder-male-sexual-attention-is-not-a-compliment.680348 https://theredarchive.com/post/680348

Comments