I'm sick to death of seeing men excusing their bad behavior because they were mistreated/cheated on/didn't have a dad growing up/had their heart broken/etc. I'm equally sick to death of seeing women doing this on behalf of men. I'm not sure at what point we lowered our expectations of men so far that any justification or explanation of their behavior excuses their responsibility towards fixing it, but boyyy am I sure tired of seeing it.
- He didn't have a dad, so it's understandable that he's an absentee father.
- His dad drank, so of course he fell into drugs and alcohol.
- He was cheated on, so his anger towards me is justified.
- His commitment issues are because of (insert) (every) (person) (but) (himself).
Imagine if we gave women this latitude. I don't know a single woman in my life who wasn't sexually, physically, emotionally or mentally assaulted at least once. But women don't have the sympathy or luxury to be overcome by our traumas to the point where we can be absolute monsters to the people around us "because we've been hurt". Nor should we, that's ridiculous and society would collapse. But we do this for men all the damn time.
- "He was bullied, that's why he lashes out." - No, he has impulse problems that he refuses to work through.
- "He was cheated on so now he has commitment problems." - No, he allows fear and insecurity to justify his chronic mistreatment of women.
- "He's messy because his mom worked and didn't teach him basic life skills." - Nah, he's lazy as fuck and fine living in filth because the alternative requires effort.
This isn't to imply that men don't have real and significant trauma - they do. Few of us are walking around without some trauma or another. Trauma isn't our fault, but healing is our responsibility. We never heal if we make excuses for our lack of willingness to grow and change.
Remember ladies: Intent doesn't negate impact. He can say all day that he wants to do X, Y, and Z, but his actions will determine his character every time. Don't excuse away his problematic behaviors because you are attracted to his potential. Don't make excuses for his inadequacies because you over-empathize and justify his choices based on his excuses. Men are capable and responsible for their own emotional growth, and if your man isn't growing because he wants to, he will never do it for you.
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