Something my coworker said that git me thinking ( upset)

avidreader89x · 2021-04-19T13:55:40+00:00

That is so weird. I can’t even imagine my father making those types of comments about my body.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2021-04-19T13:59:52+00:00

That'd the thing with AN, it's not about catering to the male gaze. It's about control when there is too much loss of autonomy and very few, if any, choices left for a woman/girl to make over her life. AN doesn't happen in a vacuum. I've dealt with it for years and I feel like it's never going to leave. The voices just get quieter, and we're always prone to relapse.

Anyhow, yes, scrotes really do think women/girls having eating disorders is about men. Some of the comments I've heard/read throughout my life are downright nasty, down to asking what other men would think, or complimenting them on how good their weight loss/body looks despite the fact that AN is psychological and physical hell on wheels.

Your coworker should know that;

1) it doesn't matter what you say to someone suffering AN, it's much too powerful of a psychiatric illness for laypersons to take on. She needs a psychiatrist, not some "well meaning" scrote's words.

2) AN is about "taking back control" of one's life. His daughter feels powerless, choiceless, possibly had been traumatized, been body shamed enough, etc.

3) That perhaps he is probably one of the contributing factors that flipped the AN switch, since he's so concerned about how men would view his daughter as an object, not as a whole ass human being with interests, aspirations, and dreams of her own.

Damn this is upsetting.

Baekseoulhui · 2021-04-19T14:54:02+00:00

My father never made comments about my appearance. Apart from when i started dying my hair green and gerting tattoos and even then he was like "i dont like it but its your choice". When i was hospitalized for my ED he was devastated. He came to visit me every day. The fact that this "father" doesnt see how his comments were harmful is appalling.

ED has NOTHING to do with what men find attractive. Its about control. When it feels like your whole life is spiraling and the one thing you have a say in is food..

Jeezuz... Sexualizing your daughter.... Shamefull.

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2021-04-19T14:05:24+00:00

Unfortunately, these guys are basic. I have a basic lvm father too. I didn't realize till I was an adult but know I can see how pathetic he is. He is a reminder of why pornhub is as popular as it is.

AlextheAnalyst · 2021-04-19T14:16:33+00:00

That's been the biggest issue with me losing weight is trying to overcome this picmesha keepmesha attitude that I've been programmed with. Over lockdown I lost about 70 lb and with it I lost all of my curves. I'm not happy that I've solved the prediabetes problem, I'm not happy that I can now run three and a half miles a day whereas before I could barely walk that, I'm not even happy that I've gone down 10 sizes in a year and look great. The primary concern that I wrestle with is if I'm still attracted to my partner. It shouldn't be important to me but it is. If he had a problem with it I'd drop him in a second but I still want to be hot for him and IDK how to get over that mindset.

liberty_5-30000 · 2021-04-19T15:50:34+00:00

It is unbelievable that men think the world revolves around them. Everything is for their benefit.

I like men, but sometimes they need to be hit on the side of the head with a frying pan.

I hope you told your co-worker that anorexia is about taking control when everything around you is out of your control. They only thing you have control of is what you eat. And this has nothing to do with boys.

You are right if she had cancer he would be in groups and looking at research not thinking it is boys. Ugh. MEN. So stupid

UnstrirringCoffee · 2021-04-19T14:47:37+00:00

I think the male gaze is one of the causes, but not in the way men think. Controlling what you eat and not "having curves" has more to do with escaping objectification than inviting it.

Though I could be wrong.

wintermittens32 · 2021-04-19T15:05:57+00:00

Ugh this makes me so upset. Her dad is like my dad. Never mind that a huge reason for developing my eating disorder was internalizing my father’s constant commentary on how women should be, views on women, and having him comment on my body and what I was eating for as long as I can remember. Once I went on my first diet it was over, I was in the grip of the emotional numbness and sense of control that gave me peace for the first time in my life. Part of it I think was also the mistaken belief that I could escape womanhood, literally disappear and opt out of all the bullshit. But my dad was like, “hey it’s so great you’re so skinny but you’ve gone a bit far. Be a little less skinny and you’ll look so great.” F you.

It’s taken a long time to recover and I’m still not there - I don’t know that I ever will be, seeing as my ED is so inextricable from me trying to escape societies expectations of women in general (not even the ones about appearance). I just want some power of my own, and the control from an ED fills that void, even if it’s not real power but self-harm.

Breaking the illusion and accepting where I am in order to start leveling up makes me want to scream. But here I am, because I can’t go back to pretending that the world is something it’s not and that women have the power we are led to believe we would have if we would just please men.

pickadaisy · 2021-04-19T16:38:05+00:00

ANNNND a lot of anorexia is in response to the stress of becoming sexualized for your “curves”. The more “sexy” one thinks they appear, the more they want to erase that part of themselves. He’s basically confirming to her she’s not starting hard enough.

Also a recovered/recovering ED survivor.

_mooness · 2021-04-19T15:16:37+00:00

Side note — don’t ever tell men you’re anorexic. Abusive men target anorexic women because they think it’s easier to manipulate them. I’ve met enough men who say this, and even dated one. If you still struggle with this, talk to your therapist, and maybe your best friend/sister, but that’s it. No one else needs to know. In general I don’t think us girls should open up about our vulnerabilities bc it’s almost always used as ammunition against us, even by other women. 🤍 hope you’re on the path to healing from your ED

AlextheAnalyst · 2021-04-19T16:36:24+00:00

I had a male colleague randomly tell me that I used to be an 8 and now I'm a 4 because I'm too skinny and guys like butts and boobs!

They really think each individual man owns each and every woman, huh. Why is your individual body any of their damn business. You should have said, "Well, women prefer men with more than 1.5 braincells, so quit bugging me and go hit the books, Bob."

Averyhvw · 2021-04-19T16:58:29+00:00

[deleted]

The_Pyramidion · 2021-04-19T16:17:56+00:00

Yeah, I wonder why this girl is sick, has probably nothing to do with her own father sexualising her /s

midwesternwinds · 2021-04-19T17:39:44+00:00

I remember how during the anorexia panic of the 2010s how a good portion of the hate and bullying to thin women and anorexic women alike came from guys. They were legitimately angry that women without large breasts/butts existed (because that's where the real issue is as OP points out, it's not men caring about illness or even preferring fat to skinniness; they think women are only attractive if they are thin PLUS big boobs) and went out of their way to tell us all how disgusting we were and how much better "curvy" women were (which ranged from actually curvy but thin a la Kim Kardashian and Sophia Loren, thick like America Ferrera or just big ladies). I also remember a LOT of celebs like Mary Kate Olsen and Nicole Richie being constantly attacked for their bodies and any eating disorders they may have had. It really came off as guys heing excited to have a socially acceptable excuse to body shame women for not being the male idea of attractive and it was sick.

It's also interesting that women don't do this with men's body image issues. We don't shame them for being too thin, lacking abs, etc if they're insecure about it. We may encourage them to get fit to feel better about themselves but usually you won't catch women working as hard to bully men who aren't the male beauty ideal like men will do to women and especially girls. We don't even have preferences as rigid as theirs. It seems like women's tastes are incredibly diverse with some women finding Chris Evans hot, or Harry Styles, or whoever, while men as a whole want "thin, DD cups, long silky hair, short" and nothing else.

bizzybumblebee · 2021-04-19T16:28:32+00:00

ew. what about making you daughter realize her worth outside of the way she looks? ew ew ew.

ketodietclub · 2021-04-19T17:55:00+00:00

I think what escapes a lot of people is that anorexia is neurological in cause, not really social. Plenty of twin studies show this to be true, and it is connected to anxiety disorders too

needsmoresilk · 2021-04-19T18:50:59+00:00

I’m so sorry sis. I had anorexia in my late teens / early twenties. I had the opposite experience - the sheer number of men who told me I looked good (read: prepubescent as my breasts and butt disappeared) was staggering. Disgusting either way.

And yes, anorexia (and associated eating disorders) are related to control and potentially other neurological deficiencies, NOT a pandering to the male gaze.

shockingupdate · 2021-04-19T19:29:30+00:00

I gain muscle easily, which of course means my appearance by nature isn't feminine enough for the male gaze. Abs aren't hot. Angular shoulders and hips aren't hot. A subset of pornsick dude will fetishize my body type ("omg you can step on me haha"), while the rest are like, "hey, you're not the one very specific body type us guys like, could you do something about that?"

Hhjjuuy · 2021-04-19T17:42:34+00:00

I can almost guarantee that he is just as shitty and insensitive to his daughter with diabetes as well regardless of if he is better at appearing to be doing the right things like going to a conference.

2021-04-19T18:05:30+00:00

I’m so sorry that it happened to you. I for sure feel shamed by men for being really skinny. Some women have told me that nobody wants a 5”9 skinny girl. I used to hate myself and feel bad I would cry and wish that I was 5”5 and curvy. I love how these same guys who will skinny shake girls will jerk off to pics of Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid. Make it make sense. But real confident men aren’t insecure about a women’s height I know many alpha men who love tall girls because many are confident. I even recently started wearing heels because I love the way that it makes me feel.

cakepancakepancake · 2021-04-19T19:36:52+00:00

I used to frequent anorexia forums and even as a former anorexic still struggling today, I can tell everyone that for me and most other girls and women it's never been about men. For me one of the reasons actually was to get less attention from scrotes, so I didn't look sexy to them. So I guess in that sense I was trying to do anything that wouldn't cater to the disgusting male gaze.

That man is gross, but sadly, just like you said a lot of men hold those beliefs. Some women too, like a friend of mine who constantly told me just how desirable I am to men now because of my body and that she is jealous of my "womanly curves" everytime I mentioned I'm struggling with disordered eating 🙄 It seems everything we do is for men. Sick of it as well.

chocolatelustpile · 2021-04-19T19:22:39+00:00

Back when I was a social worker I worked with women who had eating disorders and ALL of them said that it was the one thing about themselves that they could truly control.

SweetPotatoMunchkin · 2021-04-19T17:27:39+00:00

You should call him out on that

Sisi21cent · 2021-04-19T21:16:22+00:00

I had AN till I was about 22, thought it never goes completely way. To me it was about control. Pure and simple. Nothing to do with appealing to anyone.

It a serious disease despite people rarely understanding nor knowing what it it about.

libramo0n · 2021-04-20T13:17:27+00:00

Can i also add - as an anorexic in recovery (and I am sure you can attest to this too, OP) when i was in the thick of my eating disorder in my early 20s, the sicker i looked the more attention i got from men. Every pound lost and muscle wasted put me higher and higher up on the LVM pedestal. So many LVM are into weak, sickly, dependent, starving women.

And like you OP, my anorexia had absolutely NOTHING to do with men or trying to be sexually attractive and everything to do with the toxic eating disordered dysfunctional home i grew up in. I think men have a hard time understanding that women can honestly go catch a d*ck just by stepping outside; our thoughts center around avoiding sex way more than finding it.

Nice_Pass2393 · 2021-04-20T01:57:57+00:00

Anorexia was the dumbest decision I ever made because I still got pumped and dumped

Title	Something my coworker said that git me thinking ( upset)
Author	Innanaspeaks
Upvotes	521
Comments	52
Date	April 19, 2021 10:35 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mtxsoo/something_my_coworker_said_that_git_me_thinking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/something-my-coworker-said-that-git-me-thinking.777668 https://theredarchive.com/post/777668

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