Obtaining Self love

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-07-21T16:04:50+00:00

Honestly you’ve got to cut him off, permanently. I was once in a torturous hot/cold mindfuck situation years ago. After a particularly egregious weekend where he treated me even shittier than usual, I had enough. I blocked him everywhere and have never spoken to him ever again. There was no conversation, no closure. He even ended that weekend waxing on about how he’ll never let me go because I’m soooo special (trying to be Hot on his way out to keep me hooked after such a bad weekend). NO. Enough.

MeanCow6 · 2021-07-21T16:09:17+00:00

I am at my breaking point and I’ve exhausted three years of my life

That sort of realization was the point I had to get to. I wouldn't call it self-love, exactly. More like simple self-preservation.

LVM will eat you alive, belch, & demand more. Get out if you don't want to lose your mind & die early from the stress.

mamadgaf · 2021-07-21T16:11:25+00:00

First of all, don’t be embarrassed. We’ really pretty much all been there (some of us more than once!).

I threw out the LVM who was living with me. He responded by hiding in my basement for two weeks (I have him a deadline to find a place and get our) and eventually he faked a heart attack (trying to get me to let him stay longer) and I dropped him off at the hospital and refused to allow him to come back to my house. This was at the beginning of Covid so it was easy to tell him not to come back. I also own my house, he had no ownership.

Just remember that you deserve better. Expect the temper tantrum that’s to come. Men don’t like it when their source of, well, everything is cut off.

melodicamagica · 2021-07-21T16:15:57+00:00

First of all, I don’t judge you for ending up in this situation. Men are very good at manipulating and our society basically grooms us to accept abuse and mistreatment. I congratulate you for taking the first step in learning to love yourself above all- deciding to leave a man who is not good for you or worthy of you. I wish you so much luck!! I do have some advice to be kinder to yourself and love yourself: change how you talk to yourself. You deserve your own kindness. Don’t call yourself “stupid” or anything like that. what has helped me very much is the concept of “reparenting” myself since my parents’ emotional neglect greatly impacted me and led me to accept abuse from a jerk. What parenting myself means for me is being patient with myself, making choices that are good for me, being attentive to my needs. This may help you too, even if you don’t want to think of it as parenting yourself and would like to call it something else. Also, lean on the people who do love you and have your best interests at heart. And if you don’t have many people like that, we at fds are always here for you ❤️

lillylilacladybug · 2021-07-21T16:29:15+00:00

Life is short - statistically we have maybe 80 years which seems forever but goes by like the snap of the finger. Do you really want to be alone in the nursing home looking back on your life and this was your one big relationship? What if you missed out on your one great love because you wasted time with this guy.

arnezuara · 2021-07-21T16:16:17+00:00

Abusive relationships tend to yield a form of addiction in those who get abused (hence, why it is so hard to leave). It sounds like he love-bombs you, then proceeds to discard you to keep control/power over you. Whether or not you have low sense of self-worth, you do not deserve to be treated this way. If you continue to stay in this “situationship”, things may escalate, so get out now.

• Stop initiating or reciprocating any form of contact with him. You will have to take a couple of days to prepare yourself mentally to cut him off. You would have to go no contact, so be prepared to stay consistent with it.

• If you can safely do so, make sure to block & delete him on every single form of social media (yes, even LinkedIn, Skype, or Gmail). Also make sure that said social media is extremely private in case he stalks — this also means removing his friends.

• Change your phone number if need be, but don’t share it to mutual friends/people you don’t trust entirely. Make sure you make your close, trusted friend aware of cutting the guy off — in case he shows up at your place or threatens you. If he does threaten you, make sure to document it.

• I suggest you start reading Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That”. Free version of the book. Also, read the Handbook. Other book suggestions: “Codependency No More” by Nick Anderson, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith. The rest of the recommendations are listed on the sub’s menu.

I believe that is all. You’re welcome to ask questions or reach out if you need more advice. Best of luck! ❤️

Edit: grammar

Few-Fortune-2391 · 2021-07-21T17:08:58+00:00

I think "How would I treat someone else?". Could I pretend to love them for three years, burning hot and cold?

Fuck no. That's it then, I'm off.

If I wouldn't treat other people that way, other people not gonna subject me to that. I deserve as much as I give.

queenagave · 2021-07-21T16:48:03+00:00

Keep coming back to the sub and reading people's stories and let that inspire you. That helped me a lot. If you're not in therapy, I'd definitely suggest that. Create a strong community outside of this guy and his circle, you'll need people to lean on as you go through this. Get familiar with the stages of grief and remember healing isnt linear so there will be good days and rough days but that's normal! Get a journal if you don't already and use it. Even though he's abusive it'll still feel like a loss and that's okay. Don't feel embarrassed and don't blame yourself, find what you can learn from this situation and get excited! This is your time to unapologetically focus on you! Good luck!

FirePreferred_theOG · 2021-07-21T19:12:48+00:00

I finally decided enough was enough. I decided to value myself. I finally decided that he didn't treat me well, and not only that, that he was using me. AND, furthermore, I was letting him.

I accepted my role in being in the situationship and that, ultimately, I wanted love and affection AND to give love and affection. BUT, I was brutally honest with myself that he/it/this wasn't it and I was worth more.

So I told him I was done for good and he would never hear from me again. I blocked him on everything. EVERYTHING. I erased all traces of him from my life immediately. Nothing is left.

And then I let the hurt come in. The sadness, and the anger, and the frustration, and the tears, and the freedom. ALL of it. I felt it. It sucked.

Some days I really wanted to cave and call him, but thank god I literally left no trace (I can't stress this enough!!). And then I would be left wondering if he'd go out of his way to contact me bEcAuSe I mEaNt sO mUcH to him. HE NEVER DID. Why? Because if he wanted to he would. But when you revoke access and give so much friction to someone that's using you, it's unlikely they'll put in the effort.

It will hurt. I will not lie. It will be really uncomfortable, you'll want to cave. Don't. If you make the decision, right now, that you are worth more than this (because you are.) then ALSO decide at that same moment there is no going back. No going back to him and, also, no going back to the old you that chose that for yourself. Now is when you decide to build a new and healthier you.

Once you decide you are worth more, you cannot go back.

And, I never did. It's been almost a year now. Time heals you, and you do better. THIS moment will be the start of a snowball of moments for you if you choose it.

Once I decided enough was enough and that I would never be used again, my world changed. I'm a new woman than I was a year ago. ALL aspects of my life have changed for the better because choosing to stay in a situationship is punishment for your low self-esteem. Yes, it is low self-esteem to choose someone that doesn't love you as you want and uses you.

Once you leave and decide never to return to that place the love affair with yourself truly starts. And you will relearn who you are, who you've always been, what you need, what you will and won't accept. Know the pain will come but the beauty and abundance of who you will be on the other side is worth it. I truly mean this from the bottom of my heart.

All my love and support.

-FirePreferred

uaintshieeet · 2021-07-21T17:56:49+00:00

the moment you realize it's not Love it will become so much easier to just walk away

millennialpink2000 · 2021-07-21T20:26:32+00:00

I recommend getting angry.

That's the most galvanizing emotion for women and it's rooted in self-love. You know you don't deserve his bullshit, so let yourself get angry about it. Let the rage bubble and boil within you, it's perfectly justified

You're sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Block and delete him forever.

Next!

dancedancedance7 · 2021-07-21T17:19:23+00:00

First, don't beat yourself up, we have all been there.

How you get out of this is block and delete now, and run when you see the guy in person. It's not gonna feel good, you will be sad and you might spend a long time thinking about whether you did the right thing. Don't let any of that open your door. This is you taking back your power.

Spend time around people who care about and value you. Family, friends, work, etc. Do things that make you confident and happy.

Make a list of the reasons you like him, and the reasons you don't. Be honest. The liking column is probably going to be superficial as hell, as this person lets you down repeatedly. "Sense of humor" and "chemistry" are bs. Compare how this person treats you to how the people who love you treat you.

Then just let yourself get pissed off. You really do deserve better. Use it as motivation to level up and read the handbook.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-07-21T21:28:00+00:00

Remind yourself that’s it is not you, it’s him. I know it sounds cliche but if he feels entitled to stringing you along for THREE years to stroke his ego, he is a seriously messed up pos and has low self esteem. And if he has had a relationship with another girl before, it may look like he treated her better, but he did not! And he won’t treat the next girl better either.

I was in a similar situation as you before and it really sucked. He initially lovebombed me and had me meet his family, brag about me to his friends, payed for all our dates without me having to ask, and would bring me lunch to work. He never officially asked to be exclusive or call me his girlfriend but would treat me like I was one. But then, he started withdrawing his affection and eventually stopped asking me out on dates and bringing me lunch and would make excuses like “I’m having money problems” or “sorry I’ve been trying to meet this deadline at work so I’m busy”.

It got to the point where he acted like he didn’t even care if he saw me in person anymore, he’d just text me consistently to keep me interested. He made me feel like shit but it was too late since he already hooked me in with sweet nothings and false promises. When I finally told him we were over, he started trying to win me back by telling me things I wanted to hear, he started apologizing, claiming he thought he was ready for a serious relationship at first but then realized he wasn’t since he was so broken over his ex leaving him and that they were together for at least one third of his life and that it was too soon to get in another relationship. He claimed he never broke up with me or told me he realized he wasn’t ready because he “didn’t want to hurt my feelings”.

Turns out (heard all this from a couple of his friends) that he didn’t treat his ex girlfriend any better. She was a forever girlfriend who moved in with him, she did all the cooking, and would clean up after him, do his laundry, and pack his lunches. He future faked her and promised he was going to marry her one day, he even bought her a promise ring saying that once he saved up enough money for a real ring they would get engaged. She finally left him when she realized she wasted 7 whole years and most of her early 20s babying him and being a mommy figure while he dangled the idea of marriage like a carrot on a stick to get her to stay and continue giving him wifey benefits.

It sucks because I still have pickme thoughts in the back of my head like “if I was better at sex maybe he wouldn’t have treated bad” or “maybe i scared him off because I was really into him or too clingy”. But when I have those thoughts, I identify them and stop them in their tracks. I remember this man has the mentally of a 15 year old man and is emotionally stunted, and that I wouldn’t even consider dating him now that my standards are high. Insecure men will try and take down women they deem as out of their league and manipulate them into wanting them.

jelilikins · 2021-07-21T21:36:42+00:00

First of all, stoke the fires of your rage, and make a BIG LIST of why he doesn't deserve you and all the shit he does that is wrong. Keep it for reference.

Second of all, leave. As soon as you can, without further overthinking and second-guessing. You just have to hold your nose and do it. You have to have faith that it's the right thing to do while also knowing that it won't feel good or right. If you wait for it to feel like those things, you won't do it. Read the list when you need to. Hopefully the rage with which you wrote it will help you on the cold nights.

Finally...engage with him as little as possible once it's done. Cut him off. Don't let him worm his way back in for any reason. You could ask your friends to hold you accountable on this.

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2021-07-21T21:21:23+00:00

Leave, block him everywhere and celebrate putting your needs first.

FluffandRainclouds · 2021-07-22T01:46:04+00:00

If you don't love yourself, you will be stuck in one crappy relationship or situationship after another. Deborrah Cooper's 7/20 show here talks about it https://youtu.be/pXH-UIwI7aw . Her advice is sometimes tough to swallow, and I do not agree with everything (e.g. telling people off), but she has so much wisdom.

Watching Deb's videos has been very helpful for me. You see Deb's poise? You see how she loves herself? She is proud of herself, and does not apologize ever for her preferences and dealbreakers. Deb often quotes where she learned things, and how her family's culture shaped her into the person she is now (i.e. heart to heart talks with her father growing up). She digs her heels in and stands by her beliefs. Internalize it. Channel your inner Deb. Y

ou may not have a similar personality, but I want you to embrace the following mantras Deb exhibits in her everyday media content (examples ahead):

"I leave at the first sign someone disrespects me. You don't like it? Well, are you paying me? Do you have any other say over my life? No? OK then"

"I don't date men who do/have X Y and Z traits/diagnoses/behaviors/physical traits and I am not apologizing for it"

"I don't make friends with women who act like A B or C."

"I enjoy time by myself to do what I want."

This is just a start. If that feels too difficult, you can imagine the most badass celebrity or historical figure you like and imagine, "would she put up with this?" If you need a confidence boost for an event, pretend you put on a magic suit making you "be" the celebrity for a bit. How would Rihanna walk into the room? What is her body language like? How does she remain so relaxed while putting out vibes of being assertively poised? Practice your posture in that state of mind, and eventually it may feel more natural. This was a tip I learned from Shallon Lester (who is not 100% FDS but has some excellent examples of confidence).

When you practice this posture and self-care (how you dress, doing things that make you feel good, practicing your values), notice who encourages it in your circle. Hang on to the friends who want to see you happy. Re-evaluate the friendships with those who pick at you and seem happy when you are made smaller and more timid.

These are just examples. For something best tailored to you, I recommend therapy with someone who understands these issues (if they victim blame or suggest you stay/excuse someone acting shitty, RUN).

I know this is a lot of information. But, this is all possible. FDS helps a lot. Know you and your life are more valuable than you can ever imagine. Your time is a gift. LVM/NVM do not appreciate this, and giving yourself to them is akin to casting pearls before swine. It is an internship without the resume boost, a second job without a paycheck. Chances are, there is no way out into an official "relationship" if you stay with this man. Someone who sees you as "Ms. Right Now" and will not deign to make you his girlfriend (🙄🙄🙄) ain't shit when it comes to your life.

thediverswife · 2021-07-22T16:30:18+00:00

At some point, I just reached ‘the moment’. You know the one. It’s when your first date unexpectedly burps in the middle of eating and doesn’t apologise, or similar. When you’re turned off forever. Granted, it’s harder to feel that way when you’re emotionally attached to somebody but I have always reached the point of self-preservation. Maybe it was my own clown behaviour that led me there, but that intuitive feeling when I’m being spoken down to, gaslit and have tried with my best efforts to make somebody understand. Don’t chase the feeling but acknowledge when it comes and obey it. Go.

sruslywhytho · 2021-07-21T22:27:21+00:00

Learn, learn, learn. Things changed for me when I first learned more about myself and then learned more about why men do what they do. I had to get real about why I was willing to accept so little and what I was gaining from sticking around in relationships where I wasn't being loved the way I deserved. That was related to some unresolved dysfunction from childhood. Did some therapy and healing on that. Then I started learning more about why men do what they do. Someone already suggested the book by Lundy Bancroft. Please read it or listen to the audio. It's life changing to understand that what you've considered normal in a relationship is abusive/controlling.

PinturaMagnifica · 2021-07-22T01:01:05+00:00

Sis, you deserve so much more than this. I am proud of you for taking your first step.

In the past, I've found journaling on my phone about shitty things my exes have done to be very helpful and cathartic. When I start to feel sad about one, I reread my journal entries. Tbh, sometimes I just read them when I'm bored. It helps.

You need to excise this loser's existence from your life. Block, delete. Be angry about how he treated you. Let yourself be sad.

Exercise, meditate, connect with other family/friends.

You're going to come out of this so much happier and stronger, I promise! 💖

Fun_Tangerine4494 · 2021-07-22T02:17:13+00:00

I did what you’re doing for 2 years. Once you grey rock him, he’ll become vile and that’s when you know you should have left long ago.

Don’t worry, eventually he’ll make it easy.

Yes, he’ll love bomb you, then he’ll try and tear you down, make everything your fault (this is a tactic to get you to engage and defend yourself- don’t fall for it), then the love bombing starts again, then he’ll leave you alone.

If you just block, delete and move on, you’ll save yourself a lot of heart ache.

Nifteroni-and-Cheese · 2021-07-22T04:24:57+00:00

Make a list of things you enjoy doing by yourself, separate them into “going out” and “staying in” then, whenever you feel crappy and like you need a man, use google or a dice to randomly pick from whichever list works for you (I use the going out one in the day and the staying in one if it’s late or I don’t want to leave the house)

Some ideas from my lists

Staying in:

1- bubble bath and tea

2- yoga and audiobook

3- play with pets! Maybe just cuddle

4- read/write, eat some fruit

5- listen to an entire musical and sing along while deep cleaning the house

6- Pamper yourself with face mask, do your nails, give yourself a lil foot massage, drink a lil wine

Going out:

1- get boba and walk around the park

2- go swimming at the Y

3- go buy a plant! Then go plant it!

4- thrifting!

5- take a book an a lil coffee date

6- get your nails done

You will probably have different things on your list than me, maybe you like rock climbing, maybe you have a favorite lil crepe place to take your book on a date to, maybe you don’t like singing alone to musicals and scrubbing things, it all up to you. I just know that for me feeing like I have nothing to do give loneliness a place to latch onto, and when I’m feeling down I don’t really want to do anything, so I use lists and dice to make myself do stuff.

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-07-23T04:33:10+00:00

The truth about obtaining self-love is to remember that any feelings or emotions of love you have for someone else is chemically induced and entirely created by your own body.

Which means that if you ever want to feel that sensation again, you can use your own mind to remember how you felt at any given moment and re-experience that sensation.

Your love for others is built within you. Apply that sensation to yourself and you can exist within the feeling of being “in love.“

Title	Obtaining Self love
Author	loverluxlace
Upvotes	146
Comments	44
Date	July 21, 2021 3:52 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oosorl/obtaining_self_love/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/obtaining-self-love.794175 https://theredarchive.com/post/794175

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