(47). Not yet divorced.

Serious_Post_4103 · 2025-10-06T00:47:47+00:00

If what you are telling us is true. It’s not you. It’s her. I can tell you from recent experience. Most women don’t in fact hate sex.

GoesTooFast · 2025-10-05T21:10:56+00:00

I left my wife after 9 years of exactly this, 5 years ago.

She said nobody at our age (me 42, her 47) has sex more than once a week.

I have since had 5 sexual relationships with 5 women (all late 40s early 50s) who wanted to have sex more than I did.

It was honestly amazing.

No-Road-4752 · 2025-10-05T21:02:03+00:00

Before you make a decision to do ANYTHING… contact an Attorney to see how much you’ll lose financially & cost of divorce (Which you might have to help pay for her attorney also.). Weigh the outcome- is it worth it? Could you survive? She could even get up to 10 years or more of your pension pro-rated if you gave one, possibly 10 years of your 401k pro rated, 1/2 of bank accounts, 1/2 of equity, etc. etc. Dint forget the spousal support too. I just watched someone go through it.

Techdude_Advanced · 2025-10-05T16:10:45+00:00

We always think we are the problem and we somehow convince ourselves there's no one, she's just not interested. How wrong we all are.

I slept in a separate bedroom with back pains for a year in my own home, as soon as the divorce proceedings kicked in, he appeared. There was a time that I questioned whether something was wrong with me. No one deserves that. It does something to your self esteem. Very painful experience.

Oh well life is good and peaceful these days.

redditrock56 · 2025-10-05T16:02:50+00:00

If she likes/loves/lusts for you, she'll find a way to fuck you.

If she doesn't like/love/lust for you, she'll find a way to NOT fuck you.

A woman will walk through walls for you if she cares.

Think of your "dream" woman. Jennifer Aniston, whoever.

Would you turn her down, once, or worse yet, on a consistent basis?

parkinglot_thnksalot · 2025-10-05T15:54:38+00:00

Dead bedroom for 2.5 years. Looking back I would have stayed forever if I knew how painful life and reality have become for me.

warwww · 2025-10-05T15:17:54+00:00

I can relate 100000%.

It’s a terrible feeling for a man to be in a relationship and feel unwanted. Not even a touch on the arm or a hug.

You’re reduced to feeling like a living wallet, a handyman in your own home.

It came a point where I refused to sleep in the same bed as her, my nervous system wouldn’t allow me to have to endure a cold bedroom. Even worse was that she was a fully aware of what she was doing. I was made to feel as if I was a monster for even wanting to have some sort of affection from her.

Turns out she had cheated while pregnant and was cheating shortly after giving birth.

I’m all for keeping families in tact and valuing your vows but clearly this is breach of said vows.

Don’t do it men, don’t stay in anything where you’re made to feel less than a human, it will send you in a dark place of self loathing and self doubt. How can you be any good to yourself of your kids if you’re walking around feeling like Quasimodo?

Heck, even Quasimodo got some sort of affection.

You think she dried up in her younger years when the bums were pumping her full every night? No, only you the decent HUSBAND need to endure this hell.

There are women out there who will value you and at least show you some sort of affection.

Don’t take this crap from previously ran-through women. Nah, this is 2025 - we’re not doing this anymore.

Custard_Pie_9EP · 2025-10-05T15:06:36+00:00

Go to the gym, get your wardrobe in order, look great at all times. Be generally charming to every human being.

I married quite the bitchy woman. I stopped caring about her attitude and focused on my health (physical, financial, mental). She’s now begging me for sex and I do it begrudgingly.

The biggest incentive for a woman to put out is when younger, hotter, healthier women wants her man. Even in my 40’s, I’m still in great shape and surrounded by young athletic women. I don’t even care to look at them. But my wife pays attention. Competition anxiety.

This is a war that you win by not engaging with the enemy directly, at all, whatsoever.

Eric_C_Productions · 2025-10-05T15:04:52+00:00

Let me just say that it is not going to improve. She has lost respect for you and once that it gone, forget about it. She is done! Why torture yourself? I was married for 20 years and the last five of it, she had NO respect for me. Loveless, angry, fighting, and dead in the bedroom. I was reduced to sleeping on the floor or on the couch and many times in my car. Once a woman loses respect for her partner, spouse or bf, the relationship is OVER.

crashohno · 2025-10-05T14:51:14+00:00

Good men don’t want to hurt their wives. Good men are patient. Good men tank hurt, rejection, and distance so they can build life for their wife and kids.

Good men tolerate. And do you know the worst part? Many of these things don’t inspire passion in a relationship. It’s the bitch if it.

Good men also have a breaking point. And no one has much pity for good men when they break.

Here’s what helped me: the truth.

Many women are controlling, overtly or covertly. If your wife shames you for biological need or desire, but expects you to meet her needs - you’re being controlled. If she’s doing that successfully, she doesn’t respect you.

Needs aren’t to be negotiated. That’s already a losing battle. Because it’s a battle with someone who doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t want to meet your needs. Read that again – she doesn’t want to meet your needs, she wants to explain them away, or make you a bad guy for having them. For being human.

A dead bedroom is a dehumanizing thing. Which, nature easier to control. She still gets what she wants, nothing you ever do is good enough – and she can get away with saying that because you’re dehumanized. You’ve accepted her framework.

So what do? Accept the truth and then act.

No more negotiating. No more begging.

Tell her - “Hey, I love you. I want this to work out. This dead bedroom doesn’t work for me anymore. I am not going to be in a marriage with a dead bedroom, or with a wife that doesn’t value me or my needs. Something has to change. And if you refuse to, which I understand - you feel how you feel. I will not force or coerce you in anyway. But I will not remain where I am unwanted. I’m willing to talk about this, but not right now.”

And then don’t get baited into a conversation. That had to marinate. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s “this doesn’t work for me. You don’t have to change. But if you want this marriage it can’t stay like this. Do you want this marriage?”

If you get sucked into a conversation, it’s accepting her framework again – and surprise it will benefit her, and it will hurt you because she’ll switch right into defensive mode.

Hold your ground. 2 to 3 days later, she will probably want to talk. And she probably will have softened to some degree. If not, there’s a really good bit of information. If yes, it doesn’t actually mean what you wanted to, at least not yet.

And quit arguing with her. Quit making yourself subservient. Go to the gym, stand up in your own life. Be the man she originally fell in love with – not the guy she demands you to be.

And then maybe you have a shot, but you have to hold this new line. Self-respect over everything.

If you don’t respect yourself, there’s no way that she will. If you do respect yourself, there’s a chance she will. But there’s 100% chance that you won’t remain in a situation that’s killing your spirit.

ratneshverma · 2025-10-05T14:45:44+00:00

Had a similar situation for number of years and I kept on putting with it and finally she filed for it. Man is a provider- will keep on sacrificing as long as there is a purpose to provide. At some point you have to decide for yourself what you really want otherwise one day she will decide for you.I hope you find the right direction for your life either with or without her.

gratefulstudent76 · 2025-10-05T14:35:08+00:00

If she can go to marriage counseling with you or sex therapy you might be able to fix it. It sounds like it’s not going to get better with just the two of you talking.
Side note: in the singles scene women around your age often have more libido than when they were younger. They aren’t just diving in but once they feel safe and are attracted that desire really comes out.

iFuerza · 2025-10-05T13:46:42+00:00

I was about to come ask the same question. For me it’s been years of coldness and distance. I don’t want to be alone in my own home anymore.

Huge-Accident-8040 · 2025-10-05T13:29:32+00:00

You can’t rationale your way into her wanting you. It’s a desire thing. No more no less.

Ask yourself if you’re willing to put up with this or not. It’s a simple as that.

Her shaming you for bringing it up is her way of not having to deal with the issue. Classical avoidant.

You mentioned kids: if you have a son- ask her if she would accept the same for him from her potential daughter in law. And if not, what would she tell your son

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-10-05T13:03:41+00:00

The crazy thing is if you seek to have your biological needs met by someone else because your wife refuses and belittles you for even asking, she'll go ballistic and melt down for losing control of you, accompanied by all the bells and whistles of yelling, anger, tears, harsh words, etc. It's the fear of losing manipulation and control of their target that enrages the narcissist the most.

Or maybe she wouldn't care at all, in which case you'll know she's hated you for at least a decade.

fishingforthought · 2025-10-05T12:55:44+00:00

When one partner isn’t willing, there’s always another partner that is suffering. Your situation is not unique. A lot of marriages will end because of this.

You must make a decision and a timeline. Maybe suggest counseling to save the marriage. If any counseling is refused, a decision must be made.

Everyone, including you have a right to be happy. If you’re not happy then it’s time to move on and look for happiness.

ng_rddt · 2025-10-05T12:21:51+00:00

See a sex therapist and make sure they are familiar with Sensate therapy; it can work. However, it requires that she is willing to make even a modicum of effort and if she has completely checked out, it won’t work.

Don’t get a divorce until you have tried sensate therapy. Divorce is worse than you can ever imagine.

whistful1 · 2025-10-05T12:12:47+00:00

I have a feeling sex isn’t the only issue - just an easy thing to point to as a result of a lack of connection in the relationship. However, if I’m wrong and it’s only physical intimacy that is lacking then there are a handful of conversations that need to happen (perhaps for a second/third time). There are so many options that don’t require divorce.

If ur only still in the relationship because you’ve been in it for X years then you shouldn’t be in it any longer.

Marriage is about selfless love, security, and safety (physical and emotional). Sex is often simply a by-product.

Nobody gets everything they want in any relationship. However - safety, compassion, empathy, and sex are basic human needs.

There’s a lot of nuance here - as in everything - and I’ll spare you my book length response lol.

Wishing you luck.

Brave-Swordfish9748 · 2025-10-05T12:02:07+00:00

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? Check it out and see if it fits your situation. Changed my life perspective for the better.

Accurate-Pilot-5666 · 2025-10-05T10:05:00+00:00

Twenty years. From my son's birth until he moved out. Then we divorced.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-10-05T09:48:59+00:00

She won't.

I endured it for 5 years. Not completely dead, breadcrumbing me here and there. But soulcrushing for a man in early 40s. The things we endure for our kids.

SteveSan82 · 2025-10-05T09:01:37+00:00

Not sure but it started to decline a few months after marriage and then once a year after that so about 3 years.

One day my wife came home late from work(who knows the truth) and I went to see her and she insulted me.

I ended up going out instead of arguing. A 19 year old cashier near my gym told me she was quitting the job, so I asked her if she wanted to do karaoke. We did and had sex there. It woke up something inside me and I went crazy hooking up with women for 4 years

three2nine · 2025-10-05T08:37:20+00:00

About the exact same. 48, she moved to oldest child’s old room 1JAN25. a few conversations, a couple marriage counselings. Then last week she texted while I was at work that she cut off utilities and moved out. Our kids are adults. I honestly think it’s related to menopause. I tied Everything they say not too. Begged, cried, emailed,text, ect. Nothing works. I never cheated, never abused. It’s like she just “cut-me-out”. I have no idea how someone could do this to a person they “love” after 23 plus years together. So I don’t know what to do next. Zero contact. I did sign up for a local divorce support group, it starts this week coming up. So we will see. Good luck!

beenthere7777 · 2025-10-05T07:38:36+00:00

I feel you. I'm 50 and been in a dead bedroom for at least 10 years, been married for over 20 as well. Longest we went was 20 months in between. That's when I began to truly think about divorce. I brought it up for years and years with her never wanting to caring to fix. Kids are now adults and my plan is divorce her after the new year. This was not the only reason for me wanting to leave, controlling, neglectful, selfish, does not know how to reciprocate or show appreciation, the list goes on. I'm out in the new year. Haven't told her yet just waiting to get past the holidays with the kids then I'm out.

Confident_Ask8782 · 2025-10-05T07:34:57+00:00

What have you done about it except begging or asking for it ?

Title	(47). Not yet divorced.
Author	HeyHello88
Upvotes	27
Comments	65
Date	October 5, 2025 7:23 AM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1nyhqzs/47_not_yet_divorced/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/47-not-yet-divorced.1563456 https://theredarchive.com/post/1563456

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