“I’m hurt” - wait, seriously?

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-05-31T14:56:26+00:00

Live and learn. You can easily move on to the next one if she’s throwing red flags. I’m up front about everything in the beginning without going into any detail. Once a connection is made then that stuff can be talked about. Chances are they’ve been through some stuff too and want to talk about it.

whatduzthefoxsay · 2024-05-29T19:02:58+00:00

Personally, I think you should disclose the divorce early (building it up by waiting only gives it more power/makes it a bigger bomb). That said — her reaction is all red flags for me. She’s an adult, no one died — she’s actually testing you (probably unconsciously).

At this point if you want her to move past it, apologize once, then stop contacting her for awhile and she will absolutely come back. Keep in mind that women need a moment to give up their fairytale marriage dreams…

But honestly, if you want her, just give her space and she will come running back.

DblShots · 2024-05-28T16:57:55+00:00

Not really sure how one dates someone for 2.5 months and the topic of previous relationships never came up. Plus with social media basically leaving a digital paper trail it's odd that she did not already know. This entire situation just seems odd to me for some reason. With that being said, the OP should just chalk it up as a blessing cause it sounds like this chic may be a little off. Needing a break, being hurt, etc from finding out that your boyfriend was previously married is a touch to much.

TheLawOfDuh · 2024-05-28T01:40:28+00:00

Don’t overthink this. If she sees the divorce as a no go then there probably never was good timing…nothing you could do better. Might be worth a shot if you get another heart to heart talk to explain your timing on divulging the divorce. Explain you never meant to hurt her but you didn’t feel the time was right until you both had invested more time together AND that honestly there is no perfect timing…tho sooner is always better. As someone who’s done some online dating you usually DO post if you’ve been divorced but even on early dates it’s still not something you normally expand on while you’re initially getting to know each other (usually). Everyone has different speeds & what they feeis normal. Apologize if you feel it’s appropriate & offer to discuss as much or little of it as she’d like. If that doesn’t work, she’s probably unreachable. Trust me, things can go so perfect in those early dates and it’s common for a single detail to stall things-some things are your issues & some can be the others’ issues. It happens. Good luck

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2024-05-27T23:54:30+00:00

This is a shit test! It’s a power move on her part. Don’t fall for it.

Jonger1150 · 2024-05-27T17:44:29+00:00

Not telling someone you were previously married is very odd.

wisstinks4 · 2024-05-27T17:39:35+00:00

It feels like you were playing a card game, you had the ace of hearts, you were holding it until the end. If it were me, I would’ve said something sooner. Timing wasn’t great, this is an expected result. It’s really going to depend if she’s a bigger person who can get over it or if she’s gonna hold it against you. Tough situation. Wait it out.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-05-27T12:56:10+00:00

Bud, men should never ask for exclusivity, even if you are not dating anyone else. That is how you weed out women, if you truck along for a long time, and she never asks, it is a major red flag.

captainchippsixx · 2024-05-27T09:15:08+00:00

First. You should never be the one to ask for exclusive relationship. Especially only after a few months and after divorce. You don’t even know her! You basically are saying you are more into her than she is.

You are doing nice guy shit still. Knock that shit off. Nice guy shit gets you the reaction you got. She has the high ground and created drama.’women like drama.

So, don’t text or call her. You should be turned off. Don’t chase her. Now you should be a bit of an asshole to her. Wait till the next day to contact her after she reaches out. Don’t talk over the phone about it. If she wants to discuss it, make plans (not that day). I would take the exclusive shot off the table.

Accomplished_Gene176 · 2024-05-27T08:41:40+00:00

Meh I bet its small potatoes compared to the skeletons in her meat curtain closet

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-05-27T07:09:08+00:00

I think it is odd that you didn’t disclose that you were married and divorced earlier while still disclosing that you had a 6 year relationship. I can see that you might get some blowback from that but not at this level. Her overreaction would be a big red flag for me and I would back off from her to see if she still wants to pursue you.

21YearsofHell · 2024-05-27T06:58:56+00:00

Flip it around.

If I were dating a girl and “going out consistently for 2.5 months”, and she didn’t once mention in those ten weeks that she was previously married, that the divorce was final 1.5 years before, and then she finally dropped the “big news” (yes, it is big news at that point) then I’d drop her and move on.

You don’t have to write it on your forehead the first date, but ten weeks?..

west-rain-shadow · 2024-05-27T06:42:40+00:00

tl;dr: you should be conveying this earlier. Whether you are TAH with this woman is not material, because you should cut loose and wish her well. She does not have the emotional maturity and control to self-regulate so now she's asking you to do it. This is a great way to get divorced a second time.

In my mind, this is MY personal history of which I fully expected to share when I felt comfortable doing so…which is what I did.

It's not your responsibility to manage her emotions for her. With that said: I have a policy of rolling this out on the second date. One or two people have had a problem with it; most don't. If I don't feel comfortable discussing it on the second date then I don't see them again. (There are several "typical" reasons for why I don't, but they usually revolve around the fact that I'm puncturing a thirtysomething's fantasy that she's still a virginal Disney princess waiting for her prince.)

It's an effective filter, and you avoid wasting her and your time. I don't bother mentioning it on first dates because my conversion ratio from first to second dates is like 4:1.

I wake up to a text saying call me I couldn’t sleep at all last night because of the “big” news I dropped. Called her right away to see how I can quell her anxiety (also her word choice).

This emotional lability is the more worrisome part to me. You can have a lovely evening and then she'll spend the entire night working herself into an anxious frenzy...

how I can quell her anxiety

...which she then calls on you to fix. This is not your job.

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2024-05-27T06:29:13+00:00

NTA. She was fine until she got a second opinion from her friend who's in mid-divorce. 🚩🚩🚩

Correct-Ad8797 · 2024-05-27T06:08:39+00:00

Dude run unless you want to be divorced a second time

Maximum_Use5854 · 2024-05-27T05:56:06+00:00

Kinda a red flag bud. The emotional tears, all night crying, call me. Why invite that in your life? And I’ll guess she’s in her 30’s and never married? If yes that’s also a red flag IMO.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-05-27T05:02:54+00:00

I'd say so. Honestly, I can't imagine not being up front about my divorce with any potential date. Like...first conversation.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-27T04:27:49+00:00

Put that shoe on the other foot, my bro. That's pretty critical information when developing your view of someone and whether/how you want to relate to them. At the same time, she could be overreacting due to her own issues. I'd just move on from this one and chalk it up to a lesson learned - but you definitely have no right to act butthurt about it, regardless.

If you're still pursuing this relationship, be very careful. If there's even a whisper of her holding this innocent non-disclosure over your head in any way, run like the dickens. Two months in, this is a write off, not a "hurdle to overcome together".

Mopey_Robot · 2024-05-27T04:15:58+00:00

Yes, you messed up. Time to self reflect - you are not 20-something. You need to be straight-forward from the get-go.

Chalk this up as a loss - she will never get over this (it's a foundational thing with women, and she will never trust you), and you chasing her will just end in your own misery.

Sorry if this sound rough, but it's coming from experience. This is not about you being TAH, but rather learning that longer-term relationship stand a better chance with disclosure of previous marital status, preferably in the first date.

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-05-27T04:13:13+00:00

Bullet dodged. You owed that chick bupkis (nothing). She's a manipulator who latches onto, and magnifies out of all proportion, anything or nothing, with the goal of coercing people to do her bidding.

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-05-27T04:09:02+00:00

Two months and she didn’t know you’ve been married d

Yeah. That’s nuts

It’s not something to hide

Be up front about if.

Title	“I’m hurt” - wait, seriously?
Author	Hour-Regret9531
Upvotes	14
Comments	51
Date	May 27, 2024 3:59 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d1iwdx/im_hurt_wait_seriously/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/im-hurt-wait-seriously.1519664 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519664

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