Omg, the boredom.

Thebadmamajama · 2023-06-26T15:13:05+00:00

Not sure if this helps, as I'm early in my journey, but I've had to condition myself to enjoying alone time.

Getting perspective from others is a good step (incl a therapist fwiw)... The mental model of "oh she's living the Good Life(tm), not me" is a bad pattern for anyone to adopt.

I suggest reading up on stoicism. Simply, it'll remind you that if something affects you, it's your opinion of that thing, not the thing itself. And you have 100% control of your opinions and how you react to things.

Last thing is give yourself some patience. Gaming and movies don't do it for you. Try other things, even if they aren't what you'd normally do. And be open to the idea you have to allow yourself to experience joy at all, let alone get into something that brings you joy.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2023-06-26T17:03:37+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this and I can relate to a lot of the feelings you are experiencing.

Here is a write up / path I made that I followed that seemed to help me. I’ve received positive feedback from other guys I have shared it with as well.

Hang in there and don’t give up.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠ Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠ Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠ Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

Professional-Peak935 · 2023-06-26T15:36:03+00:00

The grass is never greener. Women put on a front and pretend that life is great, but cheaters ALWAYS lose. They are never actually happier. Don't let the devil lie to you like that.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2023-06-26T19:07:39+00:00

If you’re crying with a goddamned fishing pole in your hand, therapy is your first hobby, brother.

Gotta get that head straight first. Without that? Nothing works. Don’t be that idiot that gets in a car wreck, decides not to go to the mechanic, and bitches about his alignment being off. The road back to where you were is bumpy. Go see a MALE therapist to get them shocks upgraded. Most of us had to do the same. Not “did the same”..”HAD TO do the same “.

Now… if you’re crying with a fishing pole AFTER therapy? I’d up the test weight on that line, baby.

As for “bored”? That word gets the kids punished in my home. It’s 2023. No excuse for boredom—especially so with the amount of work in front of you (and the free resources at your fingertips).

Have kids? Then your dadcraft must improve exponentially. Your cooking, teaching, listening, and bad joke game ALL must double in efficacy. On top of this, your tasks are endless! Get to work! Now!!!

No kids? Then you have time AND money, my man! 😅😂🥲🤣 Buy a non-running British or Italian motorcycle from the 80’s or 90’s. Make a vow to get it running for more than 19 seconds. Along with motorcycle repair, you’ll also pick up the hobbies of power-swearing and alcoholism. I did this and am wayyyyyy to drunk to be bored!

If you’re too smart for that, attack your fear list. Here’s a few of mine:

I somehow talked myself into believing that I had no musical talent. I borrowed a bass guitar, took a few lessons and have been playing for over a year now. I changed my strings and pups and ain’t afraid anymore.

I always thought falconry was cool as hell. Same with keeping chickens. My current situation allows for neither, but after winding down from the workday, I’m reading books or listening to podcasts on the topic.

Many people in labor fields like construction or warehousing find themselves a gnat’s ass away from being an effective consultant or starting your own company. Take pencil or keyboard and start putting the dreams on paper. Shop for supplies on Grainger. Look at commercial real estate listings for sample locations. Read about failed companies and learn from their mistakes. Pretend you have a son. Write him letters that would help his future self excel at

Get a dog and get them enrolled in AKC S.T.A.R. Puppy or Good Canine Citizen. Go on to Agility, Obedience, Coursing, Scentwork, or any of the many disciplines available.

Go to the grocery store, buy some kids paint sets and make some pictures. You don’t have to let anyone else see them.

My guess? Your “boredom” is demotivation due to depression and head funk. If not, perhaps those ideas helped get you started.

Much love, brother!!!

jgjg9999 · 2023-06-27T02:18:55+00:00

I got really into cigars and pipes. It's like a hobby enhancer for me. I can kick back and listen to music or watch a movie and just completely relax.

It's a feeling of calm I literally never had when married. It was always what needs to be done or what project needs to be worked on.

Oh and fuck your cheating X wife and mine too lol.

hillbillyswan · 2023-06-27T12:20:02+00:00

I know the feeling. It will not last forever and the fastest way to get it to end sooner is to fill your life back up with activities. I get the gym thing, I've been bringing my ketel bells into work with me and I'm doing like 500 jumping jacks a day lol. Gotta work on that revenge body to piss her off and attract someone better.

Start projects, get stuff done around you. Keep your apartment clean, once you're moved in decorate it to be an awesome bachelor's pad.

Watch the negative self-talk, man. Try to speak to yourself in a way that someone who really cared about you and wanted the best for you would speak to you. At least be as nice to yourself as a good friend would be. You have to be your own best friend, you have to look after yourself. Part of that is not telling yourself that you're a "sad sack of shit."

My wife left me for a coworker. That reflects entirely on her and not on me in the slightest. The coworker she left me for is an amoral piece of shit who considers his happiness more important than that of others and is perfectly happy to wreck a child's home in order to get what he wants.

They always try to seem like they're living the good life after they leave you, they like to rub it in your face because it makes them feel like they've won. Cheaters get off on humiliating their victims and making them feel worthless. Don't let them win. Recognize and internalize and believe in your own inherent value and worth as a person.

I don't know anything about you, but you probably aren't the sort of person who deserves to be treated like that. You are probably a valuable person who doesn't deserve that treatment. Stop letting her make you feel like you deservd it! She is the cheating whore, not you. If anyone should feel worthless and like a sad sack of shit, it should be her. But she doesn't, because she's such a sad sack of shit. SHE IS THE SAD SACK OF SHIT, NOT YOU.

Maybe try volunteering or getting involved at a church or community center. Create situations in which you have obligations and people need you. You're probably used to focusing on her and it's hard to focus on yourself, so if you can't focus on yourself right now because it's too painful, focus on others besides her. Focus on the hobos at the soup kitchen, focus on the folks picking up food at the food bank, or whatever. When you help other people, you are actually helping yourself because when you think about your day at the end of the day you can consider yourself a person who is needed who helps others. Do sad sacks of shit volunteer? No, they don't. Good people with a sense of civic duty who are selfless and kind volunteer to help others. Even if it's not volunteering, try to do things that make you feel good about yourself at the end of the day. Things other than staring at screens.

One_Cartographer_465 · 2023-06-26T15:23:23+00:00

I am on the back end of the divorce process. Divorce final about 6 weeks ago. Believe me what you see today as boredom will change to bliss. I know it doesn't seem like but you will appreciate the quiet household and freedom. I also live in a small town. I threw myself into work, found some friends (bought a dog) and am truly blissfully happy. I don't want to minimalize the feeling you are having, but it is a faze that will pass.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-06-26T17:17:10+00:00

a year of full separation after 7 months of living together weekends only

i'm still struggling. partially also due to losing the best job i've ever had and now having one of the worst

we signed papers to get our collaborative divorce started on thursday

i realized yesterday that i have one friend that calls me to get together about once a week...everyone else in my life (not many) i make the effort to see them or go places i know we'll all hang out

i don't have strong family ties-though i'm a little closer to my brother and step sister since this began

this weekend was a real drag. got back from the gym late on friday so i stayed in

no plans saturday but made myself go out to a couple of bars i like but didn't see anyone i know

it's rough.

crazysnowdog · 2023-06-26T18:28:27+00:00

Dm me I'm in a similar if u wanna chat when bored... Whatsapp? 😅

Biglu68 · 2023-06-26T15:15:17+00:00

I get it. I have been living on pins and needles since my ex kicked me out. I live at my sisters and I can't afford to move out. My brother in law is a pain in the ass narsacist just like my ex. I try to hang out with people who understand and have been through the same thing. You will get through this.

GoldPotential6298 · 2023-06-26T15:52:34+00:00

Why are YOU moving out? If she’s asked for the divorce, tell her to go live with her affair partner until the legal process is finalized and the disposition of the assets (including the house) have been finalized. Never take legal advice from the person you’re divorcing so do t listen to a word she says and listen only to your lawyer.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-06-26T16:59:57+00:00

Simply because she chose to be with someone else doesn’t detract from your value as a person. Only you can decide your own essence, and that decision will determine your future. Mope and be lonely or radiate joy and attract beauty..

yes2matt · 2023-06-26T17:23:20+00:00

Kids? If not, get your ass moved to a proper city as soon as your lease is up. Use the lease term as a deadline to find a new job. Use the new job to help you decide on a city. Most cities have decent fishing within a couple hours. Most of them also have clusters of older singles and social life, if you can visit a few times or even get on the relevant subreddit, you can find a good place to live.

New chapter dog.

animalx3 · 2023-06-26T19:11:18+00:00

I feel that things will get better at their own pace. You’ve been dealt a blow you didn’t ask for for sure. I’m the guy that looks to books for answers and will recommend you try that route. If you’re not a reader try Libby app and getting a library card to listen to books vs reading. There’s a ton of good ones. Ways of a superior man, dating for men, no more mr nice guy, rebuilding. Tons more I could recommend

Heavy-Abbreviations8 · 2023-06-26T20:04:34+00:00

Instagram is great for this kind of thing. I have been building a bucket list of things to see locally within a couple of hours drive. There is a 2 hour train to DC here, that will take you for 34 dollars round trip. If I bring my own food, I can have a day trip for less than 50 dollars even with parking included.

Wednesday, I have a 57 mile bike ride planned, because I have got to stay busy. Tonight, I have a swim planned in a local river. If that gets rained out, I am going to get some of my work education completed. Sitting alone watching TV terrifies me. I always have a back up plan.

LinkedResponder · 2023-06-26T20:17:13+00:00

I'm in the same boat. Except instead of lifting weights, I'm lifting beers and cigarettes. Funny, that's partly how I ended up in this predicament.

My dog is all I have. Pit mix, glued to me. She adopted him a couple months before leaving me, some older man convinced her to (second older man since we were married, she had major mental health issues and was impressionable).

I live in the Northern Neck of Virginia (FAR from Northern Virginia, Google it), wife and I had relocated to the big city but now I'm back alone. There's not much going on here. Farming, fishing, drinking, and trying not to drink (AA hasn't been a fit for me).

I decided to start volunteering, hopefully starting soon as I await a background check. I also plan on visiting the local library and brush up on programming, hoping to get back into a career.

Depression is a beast. Try to get out there. Volunteering can be a great start.

_vinland_ · 2023-06-26T22:19:50+00:00

Now its time to figure out why you had to fill your void with her. Maybe go fill a couple other voids while you're at it

Benzon22s · 2023-06-27T02:12:34+00:00

Sounds like this is your chance to explore a different life for you by moving away to a big city? If I didn’t have kids I would move so far from my ex wife !!! Dallas or Houston would be my choice!

syphon229 · 2023-06-27T02:25:01+00:00

Finding your passion is a life long commitment. And more importantly, don't focus on the destination but enjoy the journey. Try all sorts of new things you never thought you would: chess, rock climbing, opera singing, you name it.

Imsosadsoveryverysad · 2023-06-27T11:36:49+00:00

I’m about a year out on my divorce. I had been with her half my life. Our companionship is all I knew. I met a girl on bumble who I actually learned how to be single from. She was divorced about 3 years, also from a half her life plus more relationship. She would just do so much stuff by herself without thinking. She seemed so free. I decided I needed to learn how to be like that. I’m about 2 weeks past that decision and so far I’m loving it. Basketball, karaoke, watching YouTube, lifting, bbqing. I just do shit whenever. I could have done it before, but I just made the conscious decision to be like that. Idk if I was ready for that point. But eventually it will come.

Afroviking1 · 2023-06-27T18:28:31+00:00

Yep, I was feeling the same way. 18 months later, Im confident and having a blast. You are just going through the motions.

Once you come out the tunnel, the light is refreshing.

Title	Omg, the boredom.
Author	trigunner3
Upvotes	35
Comments	45
Date	June 26, 2023 2:47 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14jjc8j/omg_the_boredom/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/omg-the-boredom.1223545 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223545

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