Too Trusting

I’ve been married to my wife for almost 16 years. If we make it another month. Two kids. Good living. But we haven’t been communicating well. Maybe a mid life crisis? We’re both mid 40’s. About a month ago I got a receipt from Apple emailed to me for eHarmony. A bit odd, right for a married couple? I brought it up to my wife. She gave me some story about her coworkers telling her about the crazy profiles on there. And she wanted a laugh. The coworkers are divorced/single. I let it go. Later I went into eHarmony to see if, as she said, she just clicked something incorrectly when she tried to look at the profiles. Nope. The app asks you TONS of questions. I answered some and never entered ccard info. Odd. I let it go. Stupidly.

A week later maybe she says she’s going out after work with work friends. Ok. Good for her to get out. She works hard. Go have a drink and relax. But what’s weird, is the one coworker has been out. She just had knee surgery. Full knee replacement. But she was at the bar/restaurant that she told me she was going to - find my iPhone app confirmed it. I was away for work, and the kids hung at home by themselves. I just pulled up the app while away.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. She says she’s going to go see two girlfriends. Friends we’ve known for years. Ok. I’ll hang at home with the kids. Again, location is correct. But the place they chose was odd. Close to us, but not so much for the other two ladies. And not a super popular place. Seemed weird.

Things haven’t seemed right. That, and as I was doing wash I found underwear I haven’t seen in a long time. And my wife doesn’t wear underwear. Only for “special” occasions. I had to do laundry because I was leaving on a work trip. I folded the laundry and put the underwear on top of the pile when I put it in our room. When she came home, she moved the underwear under another item of clothing. She said nothing.

This got me thinking. Putting things together. She could have had her coworkers show her the weird profiles on eHarmony from their phones. Just pull up the app on their phone to show. No need for her to download an app, join, fill out a million questions, etc. Why did she have to download the app? I wouldn’t have ever downloaded eHarmony. Her coworker recently had knee surgery, how could she go to a bar? Stand? People that I know who’ve had a full knee replacement can’t sit on a barstool. The underwear she told me was dirty, and she wanted to clean it. Ok… from a year ago it was dirty? And again, she NEVER wears underwear. If it’s a dress or a skirt, she’s got some underwear to keep it acceptable, but the pair I found was lacy and only worn for “special” occasions.

When I started suspecting things, I approached her calmly. Difficult with a 13 year old and one close behind. But I made time to talk with her. She danced a lot. Not much of any detail. Avoided things. Ok. I tried twice. Then a work trip came. I stopped texting. Not onboard the plane text. No landed safely text. Nothing. Cut her off. I still FaceTimed my kids. Just let the wife do her thing. Eventually I sent her a text. We needed to talk. She agreed.

Kids were around Friday when I landed. She was at a retirement party. Seems somewhat likely. Saturday morning we talk. Comes somewhat clean. After lots of questions, she admits to being on match.com. That she met a guy out. Only after I pressed did she admit her girlfriends were never there. At first it was that she met them, and this guy showed up later. I asked to see the text from her friends about meeting up - she hates to talk on the phone. She deleted text messages from the guy she met. Permanently. Deleted the messages, and then went into deleted and cleared them. So no evidence her friends were there. After I asked to see text about a meet up With her friend. She offered for me to look at her phone, but she had already done this. So how does that bestow confidence? She deleted anything that would have confirmed nothing happened. That it was just a friendly meet up. Which is still weird from Match.com

I’m struggling. Trust is big with me. I would have trusted her with my life previously. We were not doing well as a couple. Not communicating well. Both wondering what was needed. But I could have never done what she did. I knew things were rocky, but instead of chasing her, as I always have I was hoping she would come to me for once to talk. I let some things go this past month because I was waiting for her to approach me. I could Never have met someone while married. She said the guy isn’t attractive and she thought of him As a friend. I haven’t checked match.com, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t a meet up website.

How do I trust her again? We’re supposed to see a therapist on 6/5. How do I keep my kids from seeing this? I wonder if she’s checked out. And doesn’t even want to try. But do I? How do I trust someone who did this? She denys the underwear was worn…🤦🏻‍♂️