How has FDS made you reevaluate how your father/brother(s) treat you?

starfighter07 · 2021-08-22T13:48:16+00:00

Honestly, I already knew they threated me like ****. But FDS made me unapologetic about myself and the whole situation. Like yeah throw a tantrum if you want, I'm busy doing my high value things.

No_Fig2938 · 2021-08-22T13:48:29+00:00

Yes absolutely, I didn't pay much attention before to the misogyny my father had before being exposed to fds, I think it's because you're in a state of denial from the fact your own flesh and blood could be lv, but coming in terms with this will free you from the pressure to accept this type of behavior from other men, it's a necessary step in leveling up.

shedipity · 2021-08-22T13:15:03+00:00

i see many traits in my father that i would not tolerate in a partner. i wish my mother could see what i try to explain to her sometimes.

misscyansiren · 2021-08-22T14:24:49+00:00

As the youngest daughter/sibling, FDS made me realize that just because I'm the youngest doesn't mean that they can treat me like I'm the stupidest. They're gonna hear what I have to say whether they like it or not and I refuse to be condescended to.

jupitarianrise · 2021-08-22T14:13:44+00:00

I am not afraid of asserting my boundaries anymore, or calling them out when they cross them. I already knew they were shitty and abusive, but I didn’t have the courage to call them out. I thought I wasn’t allowed to defend myself.

FDS taught me it is my right to call out people who harm me, and my responsibility to distance myself from them. They didn’t like it at first. They still don’t. They never will. But they have stopped screaming at me when I assert my boundaries, because they know that I will scream louder. I am no longer silent. I can no longer be gaslighted by them.

My family can no longer use my emotions as a weapon against me. I am immune to “but he’s your brother, father! You know he didn’t mean it that way! You have to forgive him!” because I have detached myself completely from these assholes.

My love is not unconditional anymore. If you do not show me love or respect, don’t expect love or respect from me. It’s simple as that.

glendoraza · 2021-08-22T15:17:51+00:00

I always knew my father is misogynist.

“Women should speak sweetly” whenever I would stand up for myself.

He follows Islam too so that doesn’t help with the misogyny.

My brothers are thankfully better. One is atheist and the other is non practicing.

iheartnoodlez · 2021-08-22T14:03:06+00:00

I realized how truly HV my father is! I see so many excellent traits in him, the way he cooks for his wife, he has his hobbies and supports her hobbies, he is generous, kind, funny, so responsible and he loves his life. I'm happy to know that my dad was able to re-marry a HVW post divorce with my mom.

filthysad · 2021-08-22T13:20:45+00:00

FDS affected my view of the men in my family a lot. I never really liked my father or his father or his brothers (i have no brothers). When i started to notice and pick up on their misogyny, i realized just how pervasive these things are. i didn’t necessarily feel shattered but it doesn’t feel good to know that the men in my family are LV or NV. it’s very disappointing. i try to focus that energy on myself and bettering my life as well as letting go of their toxicity.

Smorsies · 2021-08-22T13:35:19+00:00

My relationship with my father has improved dramatically. I was an anxious child and let people walk all over me, which my dad did. Once I started setting boundaries and sticking to them he changed how he treated me.

Example: I was a manager and had to work a holiday, which I was fine with. My father texted me last-minute saying I was going to drive him 4 hours away and we were going to spend the holiday with his family for a week. I told him no. He tried to guilt trip me into going by saying my grandmother was old and could die at any point. I said no, and called out his guilt tripping. He has not done anything like that since.

Another: My father and I were working out details for buying a car. He told me we were going to meet someone at X time on X date, and he had already told the seller that time and date. I told him I was busy then and he tried to pressure me into cancelling my plans (which were AGAIN my job). I told him no and that next time we had to plan something, would need to agree on a time and date beforehand. He has not done this since.

Don’t get me wrong- he is still not someone I interact with a lot. He is a drunk and a negative influence on my mother (who waited for marriage for 15 YEARS after having me, and puts up with his rampant alcoholism and job hopping). Seeing my parent’s relationship through FDS lenses opened my eyes to where I adopted a lot of my pickme traits.

Astral_weaver · 2021-08-22T15:12:02+00:00

I knew my father was sexist, but after FDS and therapy I realized that my father is just another LVM and he is to blame for the low standards I had when younger.

shockingupdate · 2021-08-22T15:20:12+00:00

I already cut off my dad pre-FDS, but I’ve learned that the brother needs to go, too. All the LVM in my life have been blocked and deleted, leaving me with a stress-free contacts list! The only exception is my brother, who cheats on his wife, uses me for free therapy, and revised huge chunks of our childhoods to indulge his savior complex and expects me to go along with it.

He’s the perfect block and delete candidate - I’ve blocked partners for so much less - but we’re FaMiLy so I couldn’t imagine cutting him off until this summer. Meanwhile my heart sinks into my stomach every single time he texts me. That’s my body screaming “HE DOES NOT SPARK JOY SIS, YOU KNOW WHAT WTF TO DO”

to_learn_to_fly · 2021-08-22T15:16:18+00:00

My father can be nice and charming, but also dismissive and hurtful. I used to have a soft spot for him and be too forgiving about his neglect when I was a child and his negging/sarcastic "jokes" throughout the years. Now that I can see more clearly that it's just a variation of some "hot and cold strategy", I no longer fall for his "nice" periods. Result? Surprise, surprise! After 30+ years he finally started to respect me! Unfortunately, I don't really respect him anymore as I finally determined he's an LVM. Brother is very much like him, so same story.

DoversBlue · 2021-08-22T14:41:11+00:00

I don't have either. But it certainly made me observant of other male relatives, a lot of whom demand to be the patriarch, or have some position of authority over women in their lives. Ironically, the amount of work, effort, attention could never match up to the contribution of the same women. The latter would slog their life away professionally, raising kids, paying for big expenses, taking care of the home and and still receive a lower level of recognition.

This is teaching me not to be a workhorse, myself as I'm prone to due to having a single mother and being in close proximity to the aforementioned women. The tipping point was the start of the pandemic. Lockdown meant not being able to "do" so much while I would previously wake up with a mental to-do list of errands to run, work tasks to complete, etc. running in the background of my brain as soon as I opened my eyes.

I've been unlearning loading up my daily schedule, and also feeling overly responsible and guilty for things out of my control. So far, tbh, I haven't been able to strike the right balance and instead I'm swinging to the other side of the spectrum. 😕

Anybody here experiencing/having gone through the same thing? I wouldn't mind some advice...

How do you keep things together as a single woman living alone without much a support system?

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-08-22T15:57:53+00:00

I realized how my dad will push the boundaries of both me and my mom. It seemed harmless at first but when I told him to stop he wouldn’t. Even when I had to beg and plead for him to stop he kept doing it. For example, when I was younger (and even still now sometimes🤢) he would try and tickle me. I don’t like being tickled and I’d tell him to stop, but he never does. He keeps doing it and laughs thinking it’s hilarious. I used to think that was okay and normal, maybe that was part of the reason why I’ve always struggled with letting people push my boundaries and walk all over me, because I was taught to be submissive and just take it

One_Bat_2525 · 2021-08-22T17:10:48+00:00

FDS did help me with this. My dad has the outward appearance of a HVM (good provider, dresses well, interesting conversationalist…) but is an abuser and narcissist. He had another woman for a long time and my pick me mother tolerated it. It took me until very recently (finding this sub plus therapy) to realise that I accepted so little from men and this was a direct result from seeing the dynamic between my parents. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that I should always implement boundaries instead of accepting the bare minimum. This subreddit has changed my life for the better and I am eternally grateful ❤️

ExistentialJelly · 2021-08-22T15:25:06+00:00

I completely cut my father out of my life. Best decision I ever made honestly. It took years and constant struggle to remove his criticism from my mind.

Any_Indication_2754 · 2021-08-22T17:52:23+00:00

I've always known they were LV but I've changed how I've interacted with them.

Impossible_Mud_7599 · 2021-08-22T18:28:08+00:00

Yep and yep. They’re both porn addicts and they know how I feel about it, which created some distance. My dad gets drunk and texts me to tell me I’m a failure — FDS gave me the strength to block him.

Peak_Tree · 2021-08-22T14:26:26+00:00

FDS made me realize my mom followed FDS norms by instinc ("I ended it up at THE FIRST bad sign" "I dated many men but never went beyond second/ third date because they showed their true colors",etc...).

I also always knew my dad was a pretty HV person and that most men in my family or that I know suck as partners tbh. I have like 2 decent cousins and that's it.

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2021-08-22T16:49:02+00:00

Is there something worse than negative value?? My brother is so far negative it's disgusting.

I have always tried to hold my dad in a good light, but lately I just see how low value he is. 😞 Our birthdays are two weeks apart, his comes first. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to get him, and got him a Tolkien recipe book, which he loved. Also tried to Facetime him on his birthday with my son but he didn't answer, so we recorded a video and sent it.

2 weeks later comes my birthday. No card. No present. No text. No call. Just a Facebook post, when I've told him the past few times we talked that I don't go on Facebook anymore. (I checked it on my birthday knowing I'd get posts and messages there from other family and friends.)

It made me so mad!!! I'm his only daughter! I don't give presents expecting one back, I give presents because I care and expect people I love to care about me in return. After this I just feel done getting him presents. What's the point? I'm so tired of all of the LV men iny life 😩

carmen_sandiegos_hat · 2021-08-22T18:19:08+00:00

I put up stronger boundaries and they know that I will leave at the first sign of BS, especially now. They are much more supportive in my endeavors, let me open up more, and buy me a lot more things hahaha

Altowhovian93 · 2021-08-23T03:04:16+00:00

Yes. I learned that It’s not my dads wife’s fault he cut his whole family off. She gave the ultimatum (family or her) but he made the choice to pick her over his family. It’s a hard realization but it’s helping me see who actually has responsibility in the situation.

FDS also helps me deal with my brother. If he starts insulting me in conversation, I hang up. After a few times of doing this, he stopped insulting me (not completely, it stopped at typical sibling level rather than verbal abuse) and we can have a 20-30 minute pleasant talk.

FDS helps with setting boundaries and being objective about relationships. I don’t have to accept bad treatment, even if it’s what socialization dictates.

deadinsidelol69 · 2021-08-22T16:11:25+00:00

It helped me see that my dad is much, much better than most fathers but still has his shortcomings that he works on and admits fault to. He's becoming a better person, and gives me hope that people can change, but only when they want to.

I realized my little brother is a HVM, and I'm so excited to watch him grow into an amazing man. He's a great kid who does chores without being asked, goes out of his way to support people, is extremely emotionally intelligent, he's a sweetheart who has a bright future.

My older brother is also a good person who loves his family with his whole heart and is working towards self improvement. He's focusing on his hobbies, losing weight, and improving his mental health. He has no interest in dating, instead he works on his career.

My boss is a second father to me who is a great man, he helped me gain self esteem and confidence, mentored me to love myself and be proud of my accomplishments, and helps me every day to become a leader and to know my worth. He's an excellent role model.

I'm lucky to have men in my life who show me there are good men out there and what they look like, they all played large roles in helping me dump my ex and navigating who is worth dating in this world. If a guy doesn't treat me as well as the other men in my life, he's shown the door.

Affectionate-Rush893 · 2021-08-22T22:06:06+00:00

LMAO I realized my dad and brother hate me and think of me as a servant

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-08-22T17:04:43+00:00

It hasn’t. My dad said he taught me all the life skills I have so that I can choose to be in a relationship…or not. He also told me all my life long that I am not inferior to boys: I’m equal, but probably better than most of them, and to keep improving myself so I can be better than all of them lol

twerk4kills244 · 2021-08-23T00:47:15+00:00

Do not soeak to my dad as it is “wrong” to ever disagree with him, point out hes wrong, or want to not be inturupted.

My brother on the other hand is the complete opposite and treats myself and other women with respect (we love to see it!), still my best friend!!

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-08-22T15:24:50+00:00

No, but it did make me reevaluate my parents’ relationship. My dad was in the rare camp of being both a relatively HV father, hardworking, considerate, and invested in his daughters’ success, and kind of a LV husband (for reason that, in defensive to my mom, I won’t spread around the internet. It wasn’t anything heinous like cheating, though.) It was sad to realize this, but at least it has helped me be aware of how I can support my mother.

MrAndMrsCremgroblin · 2021-08-23T17:15:33+00:00

It makes me feel sad for my parents because I see how they act and I feel like I understand why they act the way they do. For how they were both raised, I feel like they’ve done pretty good and I don’t resent or blame either of them, but I want to be better.

MsXxSelfDestructxX · 2021-08-24T10:18:51+00:00

I see how much my narcissistic mom has to grasp at straws to say why she stayed married to my dad who is so low value he put her through being homeless, always living in ghetto roach apartments, terrible jobs, popping out 6 kids and being a shit father.

My brothers and dad call me stuck up, expect me to shit money and support them, emotionless, a bitch because I refuse to give them my valuable time anymore.

PollyAnnaSunshine · 2021-08-26T02:45:23+00:00

Yes and as a result I have cut contact with him. Told him we can talk again when he is ready to treat me respectfully and recognize boundaries.

Title	How has FDS made you reevaluate how your father/brother(s) treat you?
Author	cicerii
Upvotes	213
Comments	37
Date	August 22, 2021 12:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p9bt9z/how_has_fds_made_you_reevaluate_how_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-has-fds-made-you-reevaluate-how-your.1059320 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059320

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