Normalize telling men they don’t turn you on anymore

poison_snacc · 2021-12-04T17:57:45+00:00

It is incredibly refreshing to see someone put into words what it means to have physical touch as a love language while acknowledging that physical touch is not the same as sexual intimacy. The millennial generation & onward has been sold the pornified idea that touching always = sex if it happens between two people who are already having sex/have had sex, & the vast majority of men this age aren’t really capable of separating the two actions or engaging in the former without attempting to engage in the latter.

Non-sexual touching that is not sexually gratifying isn’t going to be considered considered beneficial for many of these males. It doesn’t fulfill any sexual needs or narcissistic supply, so they often have a limited reserve of “touch” available. If you have sex with him that day it uses up his quota of available physical touch and he won’t have any motivation to put his arm around a female partner, to give her a hand squeeze, to tuck her hair behind her ear, to complete those basic interactions which normally help couples bond with each other.

Certain sex acts are going to end up devoid of any sensuality if he’s already used up that quota for the day, due to engaging in a previous sex act, and this includes if the sex was with someone else! He may ensure that the sex includes no more physical touch than is absolutely necessary, especially if it’s with someone he doesn’t care about. So please stay aware of these nonverbal cues if you suspect your partner of cheating— for example, if he used to be engaged during sex/focused on your pleasure but now he’s just jackhammering with his arms on either side of your body while staring into space and not responding to any of your movements, sounds or facial expressions.

The conflation of touch and sex will affect the quality of sex with these men. If he’s used up that touch quota for the day/week/month/etc he won’t have any interest in sex acts which focus on the other person’s pleasure, like giving you oral or fingering your G-spot. Don’t expect a man who thinks touch = sexual intimacy to do any of those things. He’s focused entirely on using you as a fucksleeve to get the job done. We are sold the idea that touch as a “love language” means someone’s good in bed, but it’s actually the polar opposite.

Also, remember that a typical coomer male who equates loving touch with sexual intercourse will also count sex acts without other people— including those which occur only for his benefit, like solo masturbation and watching porn— as sexual touch! This is because a pornsick man sees viewing pornography as a form of sexual interaction, despite the fact that it’s a woman on a tv/phone screen who they’ll never meet in real life.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-12-04T16:02:16+00:00

We are literally screamed at that we're shallow if we're not turned on by any man. It never was about being genuinely turned on, it was about properly submitting to sexual use. Just like sex isn't about our pleasure but we're supposed to act like we like it no matter what.

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2021-12-04T17:42:53+00:00

I agree with this.

Also, it should be more normalized for women to say they aren't attracted to beer bellies and dad bods either.

Angeli_33 · 2021-12-04T13:40:44+00:00

I was watching a video on Youtube about why women lose interest in men they are married to. One woman said this:

In my experience… The reason I lost attraction to my husband was because the dynamic in our relationship changed. I felt like his mother… I felt like if I didn’t manage everything about our life it just simply wouldn’t get done. Because that’s what 15 years of experience taught me with him. So when he became child like it was, and this might sound really weird… Almost incestuous to even think of him in any kind of intimate way. It was nauseating and sad… And ultimately the demise of our marriage. (In addition to his porn addiction)😌

And of course a scrote had to reply:

in my experience "he wanted me to be his mother" is usually female-talk for "he wanted ME to give HIM love..... like HE had needs or something". you might be the rare exception, but i bet not. you females only know how to absorb love, not give it back. i really is all about you.

It's always a red flag when scrotes refer to women as "females". What a mysogynistic world btw where a woman is not allowed to voice her experience without having to worry about a flock of scrotes trying to shut her up. Do we need trigger warnings on videos now? "caution! This video contains women voicing their opinions, if that upsets you, please click off now". Or even: "caution, this video contains imagery of women being happy, if that triggers your neanderthal brain, please exit the video now".

WinterDoughnut · 2021-12-04T18:06:40+00:00

I actually did say this to my ex. He would be so hot and cold in in our relationship, and after one of these “cold” cycles he called me up and wanted to see me. I said I wasn’t turned on by him and didn’t feel like seeing him. He responded with “That’s a mean thing to say.” 🤣

No, it wasn’t mean. It was the truth and I wasn’t playing games with you little man.

valleycupcake · 2021-12-04T17:44:29+00:00

I did this a year before husband and I split. It was so hard for me. I said it tearfully in our counseling. His response was “that’s all?”

Nothing changed in terms of his hygiene, affection, or nutrition/exercise. When he started to touch me occasionally I would be honest that it felt good (I love touch from my loved ones) but he shouldn’t expect sex out of it. Being honest about it was one of a few things that made the beginning of the end for me. If he knew he was unattractive to me and did nothing to change, why was I trying so hard to make it work?

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he was hurting my feelings every day by not caring enough to put in an effort. All I did was tell the truth about that. It was freeing.

butteryrum · 2021-12-04T21:19:22+00:00

acted platonic with me unless he wanted sex .

I've been there too. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.

I'd add, mine was only affectionate if he wanted sex or wanted something in hindsight. There was very little spontaneous affection from him over time. People like that are not worthy of our time or our energy or vast love within ourselves we have to offer. I wouldn't consider myself very physical, but I strongly relate with being nurturing in the moment with people I care about. Like you said rubbing someone's back when you know they're upset or offering them a hug that does feel "right" to me.

It's so awful how these kinds of men take advantage of the sweetness people have. Genuine kindness, may they reap what they sow is all I know.

mandoa_sky · 2021-12-05T00:44:08+00:00

that's why any guy who says his love language is "touch" is highly suspicious.

researchingeverythin · 2021-12-04T13:53:55+00:00

Funny enough that's what I told my ex to get him to leave me alone.😆 Told him I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore. Worked like a charm cuz I never heard from him since. The male ego is a funny little ting ting.🤣🤣🤣

Zaltara_the_Red · 2021-12-04T13:58:41+00:00

Excellent advice. I wish I knew about this group years ago. My ex was exactly like this, only touched me for sex. I've felt like an unloved object for years. Unfortunately I'm at the point now that I prefer to be alone and no longer interested in sex because all I've ever known is being a sexual object with none of my own agency.

InternalEmu1477 · 2021-12-04T13:20:58+00:00

Good tip. Wish I knew it in my twenties.

But I will make sure to use it if ever necessary from now on. Hope it won't be, but it's good to be prepared.

Thank you for this tip, OP!

munakhtyler · 2021-12-04T12:57:54+00:00

If they don't do it for you, make them change or leave them

Don't stay with a man that disgusts you!!

Comfortable_Rule2799 · 2021-12-04T17:39:33+00:00

What if his dick is just small and you miss thr bigger sized ones 😭🥺

CloacaDiddler · 2021-12-05T09:57:01+00:00

At this point I vote women colonize the moon and start humanity over from scratch. There’s no saving the male species on this planet

Glass-Trade8008 · 2021-12-04T13:58:18+00:00

Story time: when I was in my mid teens I was living with a man in his mid 20's. He was VERY abusive (surprise) but the home that I came from was so chaotic, the fact that he offered structure, consistent food and shelter, really did look like love at that age. When I first met him he was very thin, and I was very attracted to him.
But everyday with him was a nightmare. I had crippling depression and anxiety. And although I had found him so attractive at the beginning he no longer looked attractive to me. I was literally a child at this point, not even close to 18 yet, so in my mind could not understand why I was no longer attracted to him.
He had gained some weight, maybe like 20 lb? He was by no means overweight or even chubby. But it was the only thing I could think of that would have made me unattracted to him? Maybe because he weighed a little more. So I told him the truth.
He freaked the hell out! But when the dust settled and the fight about that was over, he started trying his hardest to lose that weight (keep in mind he was severely underweight when I met him he was normal now. So he wasn't likely to lose that weight). He began counting calories, disordered eating, and a very unhealthy relationship with food. In short, he developed an eating disorder. That he struggles with until this day (we've broken up long ago, this is what I have heard through the grapevine).

If I could go back in time I would have told that teenage girl, you are not attracted to him anymore because he is making you miserable. And that you can't be sexually attracted to somebody that you just want to escape from.
Eating disorders are terrible, I don't wish them on anyone, even in the form of poetic justice. There really isn't a moral to this or anything, just something I had not really thought about in a long time until I had read this post

cicerii · 2021-12-04T18:15:03+00:00

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Title	Normalize telling men they don’t turn you on anymore
Author	cicerii
Upvotes	1564
Comments	56
Date	December 4, 2021 12:42 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r8owy4/normalize_telling_men_they_dont_turn_you_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/normalize-telling-men-they-dont-turn-you-on.1088767 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088767

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