I disappointed myself

yokoonoyes · 2021-02-22T08:33:53+00:00

I think its socially engrained in women to be pleasers and for someone who is new to FDS, it feels “wrong” or counterintuitive to “take advantage” of a man without giving him anything sexual in return, which society has trained and conditioned us to believe. I wonder if next time you meet up with him, you challenge yourself not to encourage sexual situations (even though you feel that’s the way he sees you now), a HV response would be for him to be receptive to your desire to slow it down. And if he pressures you or makes you feel like you opened the floodgates so now it has to happen? Block and delete, he doesn’t actually respect you.

fancypantsdance92 · 2021-02-22T08:37:25+00:00

Forgive yourself - the pandemic made it hard for everyone and I think we all got a bit starved for connection at some point.

Re-read the handbook. It helps.

Also, if he is coming over for booty calls then he's not a nice, sweet dude. I think you want advice that will tell you how to make this better with this particular guy but I think the best thing to do is distance yourself and not initiate contact. Now that things are getting better with the pandemic it might be a good idea to reconnect and hang out with old friends instead of men. When things are back to normal then start dating again and keep your options open!

janetheautomaton · 2021-02-22T10:15:31+00:00

There are two things I'd like to address.

You wanted to have sex, so you did. I get that it went against your rational self, but so what? Being HVW doesn't mean you're immune to having desires and giving in to them sometimes. What are we, chastity on a monument? Was it the smartest, FDSest thing to do? Maybe not. Are you now obligated to shame and beat yourself up for being human? No. You're a woman with physical urges, not a bodhisattva in a lotus flower, and that's okay. Cut yourself a break. Reread the handbook, remind yourself of your goals and convictions, and start fresh tomorrow.
If that man was a real HVM, having sex with you on the first date would not have altered his behavior toward you. He would still have taken you out, treated you like a queen, etc. I know you have this feeling right now that you've given him a certain image of yourself, but do you know that? Has he asked you out again, or has it just been wyd texts ever since? If the latter, you know what to do next. Also, I'm getting a low key pedestaling vibe here. What's so great about this guy that you should feel so bad about "messing up?" He took you on one good date and had a good consent script, but that is, like, baseline. An actually good guy's behavior would not change significantly based on sex/no sex. Please take all the energy you're spending being hard on yourself and be just as hard on him, at least.

Try to avoid putting yourself down, lining up self-fulfilling prophecies, or projecting. You are an intelligent, emotional, physical being who can do anything she wants and is allowed to make less than optimal choices occasionally. My immediate advice for you would be to throw on a face mask, make yourself a fancy drink, and say nah to the next text/call from him asking to come over. You don't have to cut him off right away, but deny any new requests to come by and see how he reacts. He'll show you what to think of him.

Saitschik · 2021-02-22T12:29:56+00:00

If he truly would be a "good guy" he wouldn't think less of you because you had sex. He was in it as well - do you think less of him because of it? No, you don't.

If a man behaves respectfully after you had sex is the real fire test. If he turns into a prick and booty calls you, he was never worth it to begin with.

You don't have to be disappointed in yourself. You are a grown woman and if you want to have sex you can. This doesn't hand over men a permission to treat you badly.

Volperossa_ · 2021-02-22T16:04:58+00:00

I could’ve written this post lol. It’s something I’m working in right now but what has helped me ALOT is not getting drinks with a guy. If we get dinner, I have 1 glass of wine and that’s it. Otherwise I don’t go on drink dates with guys. It’s not 100% foolproof but has helped me so far. Also, you have to go into the date with the promise that you will not do this to yourself. When I go into it with that mindset, also makes it easier to just say “I had a great night! Text me when you get home” and leave and that’s it. You have to actively work on not doing this, as it’s a learned behavior

catgirlmoonqueen · 2021-02-22T09:42:10+00:00

Be kind to yourself. This year has been so difficult & traumatizing & we’re all doing our best. What’s done is done, no use beating yourself up over it. Take a step back & allow yourself to feel all your feelings surrounding what happen & process it thoughtfully. Journal, talk yourself through your feelings out loud, whatever works for you. Use your feelings as an opportunity to learn so you can be wiser & better prepared next time.

A few thoughts going forward, & just things that came to mind based on my own experiences & mistakes that I hope are helpful-

You got lucky with this interaction. It seems like this man’s behavior was best case scenario for the situation. Do not take this experience as a sign that this is to be expected or even what is normal. Men can be extremely dangerous. Men can do everything right during a date & not raise any red flags, & then become violent once you are alone. I shutter looking back at times I took this risk when I was younger & thank god that nothing bad happened to me. Please just keep this in mind going toward. Vet men thoroughly before being alone with them.
I think for your own mental & emotional sanity, you need to cut it off with him. There are already a lot of messy & complicated emotions for you that are tied to this man. I think it’s safest to learn from the experience & walk away. I emotionally perused a man after a one night stand when I was young & it was really emotionally devastating, & looking back, I really did it all to myself. If I’m projecting my own experience onto your situation & it doesn’t apply, please forgive me. I just remember having so much shame & regret tied up to this guy who ended up seeming “perfect” & I was desperate to rewrite history that couldn’t be rewritten because I wished I had done things “the right way”. Just appreciate the interaction for what it was (a pleasant evening with a pleasant man) & take what you’ve learned to your next interaction. Don’t get hung up on “what could have been”, etc.. you’ll make yourself crazy going down that road.

You seem like a kind person who has a really good head on her shoulders. Be gentle & loving to yourself, we are all learning & doing our best. ❤️

dodobo18 · 2021-02-22T11:50:38+00:00

Hello, I was in a similar situation over 1 year ago. I went on a date with a guy I really liked and could see a potential with and messed everything up after getting drunk and sleeping with him on the first date. At the time I felt terrible but time heals everything of course. In the future maybe don't drink or drink very little on the first dates. Alcohol does not help on the first dates. Also don't feel bad, it can happen to everyone, especially in the tough times we are all going through. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and don't let anyone treat you less than you deserve. This man has no right to come and see you as a booty call, don't give him that opportunity. Love, respect and treat yourself the way you want to be treated. If you feel you are not your best at the moment, take some time to recover and nurture yourself. In my experience then I was not ok, I would meet men which were not ok emotionally either. I hope this helps, sending you positive thoughts from Spain.

janeaustenfan99 · 2021-02-22T17:06:53+00:00

It seems like you think you may have ruined a potential LTR with this guy by having sex upfront. If he were truly interested in you longterm, he’d know it after that first date and your having sex with him would not have changed his desire o be with you. Men know what they want with you pretty quickly. Now up to you whether to keep on as a booty call or accept your solitude with dignity and keep going in life. There was never any potential for more with him.

Also, have you ever considered therapy because this would be a great time to focus on yourself and heal from past trauma.

thewetdog_ · 2021-02-22T14:43:52+00:00

First of all don’t be too hard on yourself. You didn’t kill anyone girl and today is another day.

Secondly, it sounds like rationally you knew what to do but a part of you drew you in the direction of certain actions that weren’t in your best interest? Respectfully, I think this may be worth discussing with a counselor or a therapist. I’m not one, but off the top of my head, perhaps you are conditioned to give sex/your physical self “in exchange” for nice treatment? Maybe your subconscious or something couldn’t compute that you were being treated nicely and felt you HAD to pay it back somehow?

Maybe in you life people used to throw in your face the nice things they gave you, ie. Parents giving you food, clothes for school, etc. So now you don’t want to feel like you “owe” someone something and in the case of a guy, this was the way of saying ok we’re even?

It could be a million things that are only in your heart, but the fact that you can draw the line and question the behavior is a huge step in the right direction. Maybe you were just horny but in your journey of self love, you will learn to be turned on by commitment and devotion. Re read the handbook, find someone you can deconstruct negative preconceptions with and keep trying to do better by yourself - over time your actions will grow to fill your character girl but whatever you do don’t beat yourself up.

SkiesEclipse · 2021-02-22T11:44:24+00:00

I think you have internalized the messaging of modern hook up culture. How often have we all heard LVM complain that they pay for a date, and get “nothing” in return (aka no sex)? Not to mention all the games men play so that they only pull out their wallet when they feel that they will be guaranteed sex.

You are not a prostitute, nor are you a cheap prostitute at that. Men don’t get to pay for a $15 entree and a glass of wine and are then owed sex. Dating should not objectify women, it should not be a transaction.

As sexist as my grandfather could be, the culture of dating used to be very different (for the better). There was no question of a man paying for his date, this is what was expected of a gentleman.

He always said, if a woman agreed to go on a date with you, you were lucky to be graced with her presence. The “reward” was that you had her company for the evening, her undivided attention for a few hours, and a chance in those few hours to prove yourself to her.

Also, it wasn’t uncommon for women to date around and be dating multiple men at once, with the men knowing about it. It wasn’t as big of a deal to do that then as it is now, because a lady never kissed (let alone had sex) with a man she wasn’t going steady with.

I don’t say this to make you feel bad. It’s understandable that many of us are touch starved after the pandemic, and it sounds like you are not used to being treated well without giving something in return. I only say this to show that dating has not always been the way it is today, and it doesn’t have to be. There was a time when a man was thrilled just to spend time with a woman he was interested in. It shouldn’t be that revolutionary, but here we are.

You made a mistake, but it’s not something you should dwell on. It doesn’t sound like something you want to repeat.

Just remember, you have an abundance of worth and it does not start or end in relation to a man’s attention.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-02-22T18:46:51+00:00

Been there, done that. That’s why I implemented the rule of Gary. No matter how strong a connection I feel, the rule of Gary forces me to slow the fuck down. Haven’t made that mistake since.

kcookie94 · 2021-02-22T08:34:46+00:00

[deleted]

cassabell1894 · 2021-02-22T09:21:38+00:00

Please don't blame yourself and feel down about this, though I know it's hard. You are not alone in feeling like this. I felt I was doing very well, and I literally hadn't been with a male for years. Not too long ago I went out with my girlfriend's and a guy at the bar was over the top interested in me. I gave him death stares, literally flicking him away like he was a pest. He just kept gazing at me. As the night progressed I ended up drinking too much and thought f*CK it, and I took him home. Afterwards this made me feel like all the work I'd done on myself was ruined.

The next day I pretty much said "you must go now, I want my space". The funny thing is, in my drunken haze the night before I gave him my phone number. He messaged me and wanted to go to dinner with me, looked up vegetarian restaurants etc. I didn't like him enough and I brushed him off. Sometimes it's our attitude that attracts them. I literally could not have cared less, even after sleeping with him. Because to me he wasn't really anybody, as in I had not created a connection. What I'm trying to say, is that it's really good to remind yourself that these males are not to be awarded a special status when we don't hardly know them. Many males literally don't see women as people, and they get that from me in return until they prove themselves. Most of them are really not that great, and I know this guy you went on a date with did the right things, and you connected whilst chatting, but he's still just a male. ❤️

Lazy-Design1979 · 2021-02-22T20:57:10+00:00

Remember that it's ok to let someone treat you to something...because you're worth it. I also struggled with accepting gifts or help from others, mainly because I wasn't used to it. After hearing "if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have offered" a couple times, it started to sink in. Besides, there are other ways of reciprocating without jumping into bed.

That said, what are you looking for? Are you after a relationship, and with a guy like this? Or do you just want to casually date for awhile? It might be difficult to put the genie back into the bottle, and you might find he goes a bit cold at this point, so I'd recommend not getting to attached to him. The trick will be making yourself unavailable to him and creating some distance. For example, if he asks to come over on a certain night, say you're busy that night, but you heard about a really great restaurant/whatever that you want to check out on another night. His responses will tell you whether or not he's lost interest, and steering things back to a dating scenario will at least let you know how he feels.

BabyBlankieieieieie · 2021-02-22T12:57:07+00:00

No where is “COVID safe” yet, no matter what; just so we are all clear.

Some__Stranger · 2021-02-23T03:36:56+00:00

It's not the end of the world, you just made a mistake. Mistakes happen, and it is understandable because you said that you had not been on a proper date in a long time. However, with that said, here is the reality of the situation.

Be Safe: You should not have invited him to your place, especially if it was a first date because that could have been very dangerous.
Have a Goal: What is your purpose for dating? Is it to find a HVM? If it is to be in a relationship with a HVM, then this is absolutely NOT the way to do it.
Stop Chasing Men: You invited him to your place, on the first date, if I am understanding correctly. Then when he was trying to be respectful, you tried to move things in a sexual direction by teasing him about not having kissed you. Please don't repeat this behavior in the future. This is low value behavior. HVM do not like to be chased by women.
Increase Your Self-Worth: I say this because you mentioned several times in your post about acting "overly sexual for approval" and having insecurities.

I hope my comment does not come across as rude or hurtful in any way. I just want to be honest so you can avoid falling into this trap in the future. I can also say that I have been in your shoes. In the past, I would often let my interactions with men become sexual way too fast because I was trying to impress men because I had low self-esteem and was a people-pleaser. Don't beat yourself up, just take it as a lesson learned, and move on.

*I also agree with the other comments about re-reading the handbook, it is full of gems.

Cultural_Training249 · 2021-02-22T11:41:33+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened. I really don't know what to suggest other than to end it. I only say that because my standards are no inviting men over, no house dates and no casual sex, kissing etc. So I think it may be hard to recover if he's came over again and now its a booty-call situation. Get rid of him and start over. So you can start on a more fulfilling path.

prettyexcitingnews · 2021-02-22T16:22:35+00:00

Hey, it seems that you aren’t fully ready to date someone seriously. Adopting FDS disciplines is a journey. I also made lots of similar mistakes as you while I was absorbing FDS disciplines. But don’t beat yourself up too hard, it happens. And you acknowledge what you did and want to correct it. That’s already good enough. Hope you can work on your past trauma and yourself first before going into a dating scene. I wish you all the best. Hugs 💕

circescircus · 2021-02-22T13:52:33+00:00

You don't love yourself.

Please take a break from dating and men. Don't go on apps, don't talk to men at all, 100% cold turkey just stop interacting with men. Work on healing your spirit, be your own best friend. I know it sounds cheesy and stupid, but this is what you really need to do.

And this guy was just a stranger, sure he acted decently on a 1st date, but don't blow smoke up his ass just for doing the bare minimum. Get yourself tested, delete all of your apps, find a good therapist, work on a comprehensive self-care program for yourself, start journaling, make goals, keep busy, and after 9 months - 1 year, you can consider trying to date again.

staywiththecrown · 2021-02-23T01:44:27+00:00

Be kind to yourself, sweetie pie. You exist in this world, and the world is better for it. You do not need to offer yourself on an altar to appease men. It'll take time to fully believe it (I was in the same boat as you in my 20s), but it'll happen. Have faith in yourself!

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-02-23T00:42:51+00:00

It’s okay! Changing up your sexual rhythm will take time. I had the same struggle.

My tip is to spend more time together in non sexual environments. Plan daytime dates, outdoor activities, outings, and anything else away from the home that you can.

Have him over to hang out but mention you have to be up early in the morning and he can’t stay. See if the entire night can go without any sexy times.

Be sure though to leave him knowing YOU would want to do more too... your not teasing him or withholding, it’s just not gonna happen tonight.

If you suddenly pull back it could be really confusing so be sure he knows that you’re still interested and it’s just life that’s slowing down your intimacy. This will give more time for the relationship to develop.

anna77229 · 2021-02-22T15:35:55+00:00

Ok what is OLD? I haven't come across this yet in the handbook (admittedly have not yet read all the links in the handbook yet)

haunted_vcr · 2021-02-26T21:04:27+00:00

I don't think you need to be disappointed in yourself. Sure, for your own benefit in the future if you don't want to move that fast, don't, but don't stress his opinion of you or think that you "ruined it".

If the guy is high value, he won't take off marks for you wanting sex. Clearly state that you enjoy his company and look forward to more dates.

If he plans another date, cool, he got it. If not, your forwardness unmasked what would have been a lengthier low value charade.

Title	I disappointed myself
Author	kcookie94
Upvotes	230
Comments	52
Date	February 22, 2021 8:17 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lpiu8s/i_disappointed_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-disappointed-myself.744902 https://theredarchive.com/post/744902

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