Insecure Men and their Allegations of Cheating

Platipus6 · 2022-03-02T07:40:05+00:00

"The Batterer: A Psychological Profile by Donald G. Dutton"

Unresolved mommy issues, fear of abandonment. They're basically squirming with rage in their own diaper and there's nothing we can do about it. It has nothing to do with us. They have feels, they blame woman.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-03-02T08:35:12+00:00

Read Lilith’s article on Backfooting on the FDS website

https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/backfooting-the-disturbing-dating-trend-men-don-t-want-you-to-know-about

MissouriBlue · 2022-03-02T08:36:42+00:00

Move on.

He’s projecting his own infidelities.

He’s making you stressed — so he needs to go.

His accusations are either his own wishes or his own guilt.

You don’t need this drama and stress in your life.

Fall back. Read, study the handbook, dive into your own issues, focus on your career, visit your girlfriends, take a class, and wonder why you put any effort into some guy that you’re simply dating…

Dating is the time when we decide if we want to keep them… He has clearly shown you that you do not want to keep this one.

Toss that one back, focus on elevating your own high-value traits, and leave yourself available for the HVM that is looking for you.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-03-02T07:01:54+00:00

My ex husband always accused me of cheating. He would go through my phone all the time and call me numerous times when I went out, even if it was just to get groceries. He would make such a huge fuss if I wanted to go out with friends, that I eventually stopped going.

I found out latter that he was cheating the whole way through our relationship. I think they use it to deflect from what they are doing and also they think if they are getting away with it, you must be too.

I also think it's a sign of an abusive man. It's a way to get you on the backfoot defending yourself and to stop you from seeing friends and family so they can control you. If someone accused me of cheating without extremely compelling evidence, I would boot them out of my life. Lesson learned.

anabelchoc1 · 2022-03-02T08:23:38+00:00

It's reverse psychology.

By accusing you of cheating, you do everything to prove to him that you aren't. This includes spending more time with him, not engaging with male friends, seeing female friends less, cutting him some slack (not nagging him about dirty dishes, stinky laundry, or how he hasn't showered in a few days). It also makes it easier for him to cheat because you're too busy trying to be Ms. Perfect and prove your innocence.

MarleySB · 2022-03-02T11:52:58+00:00

This exact thing happened to me. I wish I had the knowledge back then that I have now. It really damaged me mentally & I still haven’t fully recovered. It was traumatic when we broke up. VERY traumatic & to this day I’m doing to work to recover but more days than others, I feel unsuccessful. He was cheating. He told me to cut contact with male friends. I did. But when I found out he was still in contact with exes & even sexting other women, I reached back out to my male friend. When he found out, i found out he was cheating & he blamed me for it. He use to say the same things about how I deserved better & how I was too good for him. But once you give them a chance, they lose all respect for you. After shit hit the fan, he started negging me & saying really mean things. It made me think really hard about the person I was with. He didn’t do a 180. He was always this way, just faking it for whatever stupid reason.

It takes a toll on your self esteem though. So ladies, whenever a man says your too good for him or you deserve better, es telling the truth. Go find better because if you stay with him, he loses respect for you.

BashRunes · 2022-03-02T08:37:55+00:00

They know they're out eyeballing others/cheating. They figure that if they're doing it she is too.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-03-02T09:22:44+00:00

It's pure projection.

I also would go as far as to say it's not just insecurity but a toxic cocktail of entitlement, misogyny and thinking of women and girls as last of the "masculine domain". The kind of man that thinks he is owed your body and attention.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-03-02T15:08:40+00:00

I've never cheated, don't believe in it. My exh [ grandiose narc lawyer] accused me of cheating w my very gay male trainer[ he had pink hair/ painted his fingernails lilac ] when I was 8 mo pregnant . Turns out my ex was the one cheating ... with men.

WHATEVER A LVM ACCUSES YOU OF, THEY ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT

creamtart_ · 2022-03-02T06:38:21+00:00

It’s a cope and a projection. They believe you are capable of being destructive and abusive because that’s how they behave. They think everyone thinks like them.

Read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft if you haven’t. It will help you understand the mentality of abusers. And remember, cheating is a form of psychological abuse (and sometimes physical if you get diseases from his infidelity, or you’re coerced into something, e.g. threesomes, polygamy). Betrayal trauma is real.

_sumii · 2022-03-02T07:55:32+00:00

i would tell my ex “you sound like you don’t wanna talk to me” and he’d say “nah you sound like it” guess who had to reassure him that he was loved when i needed it the most. almost everything he done was a projection 🤡

Catz10000 · 2022-03-02T14:02:03+00:00

Projection. No one accuses anyone unless they have done it/thought about doing it themselves.

DarbyGirl · 2022-03-02T15:10:24+00:00

My ex was like this. In his case it was both projection (he was cheating and when he wasn't cheating he was flirting with anything that moved looking for greener grass) and insecurity (knowing I could do better than him). Speaking from experience, there's nothing you can do to fix this. Every small thing you sacrifice (change your wardrobe, stop wearing makeup, no male friends etc etc etc) is just an excuse for him to keep moving the goalposts further and further and box in your light until you don't know who you are anymore.

Move on, he's not worth it. <3

You deserve better.

OldLadyAndHerBees · 2022-03-02T06:43:33+00:00

Someone who accuses you of cheating for no reason is likely a cheater or someone capable of cheating.

Mediocre-Swimmer3900 · 2022-03-02T10:07:02+00:00

I had an ex like this too. But he was too socially inept to be cheating. He basically treated me with contempt the whole time. Policing my wardrobe and my relationships. Even my interests that didn’t involve him. He tried putting me down at every turn to seem better than me. What gives. I had trouble leaving that situation because I was afraid he would get violent and often threatened me with suicide

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2022-03-02T16:13:22+00:00

Short answer; it's projection and deflection with a hint of gaslighting.

Long answer; they are the ones cheating. In order to take the focus off of their own affair(s), they'll accuse the woman of cheating so she's jumping through hoops to try to prove herself innocent. It's hard to check him on his cheating when you're spending your mental and emotional energy always trying to prove you're not.

They also use this to isolate you; first, it's no male friends. Then it's no male family members (yes, an NVX actually accused me of cheating with male first cousins and uncles 🤮). Then, it's no female friends or family (especially if you're bi, again, been accused of cheating with female friends, cousins, and aunts).

This all raises your stress levels so you're always trying to patch together your sanity instead of finding out what this shady scrote is doing. Then they'll accuse you of cheating with cashiers if you talk to them with any sort of friendliness (or neutral tone, even) in your voice. Again, keeping the focus off himself. Of course men aren't that delusional that they think you're actually cheating with family or cashiers (as per Lundy Bancroft in Why does he do that?) they do this as a form of chipping away at your mental health while being community dick.

Once she finds out he's the one cheating, either one will break up and he'll paint the woman as "crazy" for her destroyed self esteem and deteriorated state of mental health from constantly jumping through hoops while isolated. Part of his smear campaign would be that he "cheated because she went crazy" (if he got exposed) and all his scrote friends will commiserate with him. If he didn't get exposed for cheating, he'll paint her as the cheater to his next target so he'll set the precedent for the his next victim and having her jump through hoops from the start.

missaskia · 2022-03-02T11:27:52+00:00

Because they cheating and that's about entitlement

And also because the want to bring you down a peg to rock your self confidence so that you are more focused on defending yourself and pleasing them.

pacenciacerca44 · 2022-03-02T15:35:42+00:00

what a spicy combination of low self esteem and projection! gives the pathetic flavor an extra tang 😋

when he says shit like "I know you can do better than me" "I know you can replace me easily" two things 1. he knows that you're amazing and can get anything you want anytime you wanted, you really Could replace him in a second if you chose. 2. he knows he doesn't deserve you, but by negging himself outloud (which is SO unattractive get your shit together 🙄) hes hoping you will say "no of course I love you! why would I leave?" and then you'll name all the things you love about him and he will shoot every one of them down until his pity party is over. he wants you to prove that you love him even though he knows he's trash. he wants you to pity love/fuck him.

this is where the accusing gets extra fun! he actually looks DOWN ON YOU for loving him when he hates himself so much. he thinks it's suspicious! he figures there's no way you Actually love him, there's no way an amazing goddess like you would be with a pos like him. he figures you're either settling or cheating. no inbetween. so usually he's cheating to make himself feel like a Chad instead of the skid mark he is, he hates that he can't perform (porn sick) and fucking multiple women "saves" his manhood. being loved by us isn't their goal anyways, they want us to submit to their every insecure need

can y'all tell ive dealt with this 😅 I'm so thankful for fds this shit makes me cackle now, not the hurting women part, the part where they feel so bad about themselves they play themselves 🤣

(happy one year broken up to me 🥰)

FarmerOnly252 · 2022-03-02T14:56:47+00:00

Ex husband accused my of cheating CONSTANTLY. To the point where all I ever did was go to work, the grocery store, and home. Would continue to accuse me of cheating…… And then I found a used condom in his car ( we did not use condoms). poof he gone

edwardianemerald · 2022-03-02T14:21:00+00:00

A lot of men HATE women. HATE them. Sure they enjoy the physical aspect but underneath, they hate everything women are.

jupitaur9 · 2022-03-02T17:23:50+00:00

Do not look for logic or consistency in their statements.

They aren’t using reason. They are using rationalization. They start from the conclusion (my feelings of anger and jealousy are correct) and look for reasons to support that conclusion.

The next feeling they need to support (“you’re the best woman, better than other women, because I own only the best) requires different premises. These may not be logically consistent or even totally opposed to the ones he used to support the previous feeling.

He will never see or admit to seeing the contradiction. It would destroy his world view to do so. You’re wasting your time in arguing it or trying to under it as a coherent philosophy.

FDSVent · 2022-03-02T15:02:21+00:00

It's total projection. I had a previous relationship where he would accuse me of cheating towards the end. I immediately ended the relationship and started dating the guy he was worried about as punishment, lol. Serves him right.

katiekat0214 · 2022-03-03T01:08:23+00:00

I've always thought the simplest explanation is usually the one that's right: THEY THEMSELVES are cheaters or want to be. They can't handle that about themselves, know it's wrong, yet don't know how to deal with those feelings, so it's projected outward. Add in very possible insecure/avoidant attachment, and they are shitting where they nest, and almost ensuring a breakup, since they can't handle real intimacy.

Colour_riot · 2022-03-02T12:37:15+00:00

I don't think it's worth your time to try and understand these beings, except to better identify and avoid them.

It's not worth trying to understand why someone wants to manipulate you, just that they want to manipulate you. It's a them problem.

If you let it stay rent free in your head then it's taking up your valuable time

kgbubblicious · 2022-03-02T06:35:51+00:00

You might be overthinking this. What does it matter why a NVM is demonstrating typical NV behavior? The instant it appears, we see them for who they are, we block and delete, and their behavior no longer affects us. Focus your efforts to understand on examining the experiences and beliefs you held that let you tolerate I’ll treatment, and changing them so that you never tolerate it again.

ThrowRA_lantern · 2022-03-03T01:21:44+00:00

I think majority of us can relate to this experience.

My two most recent exes targeted any male I interacted with or friends with. One ex gave me silent treatment and verbal abuse for a whole week because I bumped into a gay friend and we grabbed bubble tea before class (this ex was clearly homophobic and didn’t believe my male friend was actually gay). They even started to accuse my FEMALE besties, implying that I’m lying about being straight because I hug them and care a lot about them. They also banned me from my vibrator. Wtf!

One ex was definitely cheating on me. He was so insecure and whiny, yet I found messages from side-chicks and Tinder on his phone. The other was an alt-right misogynistic nazi with a porn addiction.

The insecurity doesn’t just stop at accusing you of cheating, it’s just extreme control and jealousy all around.

galian84 · 2022-03-03T11:20:26+00:00

I had an ex like this. He was extremely insecure and when drunk/high, he admitted on more than one occasion that he hated himself. Someone who hates themselves can never love you and will always try to tear you down, especially if you are out of their league.

For example - my ex constantly accused me of cheating, would threaten to talk to his female friends again, and started talking mad shit about first my male friends, then moved onto my female friends, and eventually started trying to isolate me from my family. It is also a form of control. The less support you have, the easier it is for them to control and manipulate you. If you have a guy like this, get out as soon as you humanly can.

I saw a lot of Queens already have linked some great resources - definitely worth checking out!

CheetahEnergy · 2022-03-03T13:14:03+00:00

1) Projection. Aka he’s cheated/wants to cheat so thinks you do too. 2) I read in a textbook that delusions of jealousy occur when a man is with a woman who is much more sexually attractive than he is. 3) Also, he can be having homoerotic thoughts about men and then projecting them onto you because he cannot tolerate them in himself. :)))

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WHATEVER A LVM ACCUSES YOU OF, THEY ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT