The 👏🏽 fucking 👏🏽 message 👏🏽

hashtaggoodvibesonly · 2020-09-10T12:22:18+00:00

Yep, I only just realised the connection between how much emotional and sometimes physical abuse I tolerated in my past relationship, and the fact that my mother always used to apologise after screaming in my face and slapping me, telling me it was only because she loved me and she could only express her anger to me and not others because of how close we were 🤢

cutsforluck · 2020-09-10T12:40:29+00:00

As I've grown up, I realized that the hurtful part isn't simply the physical 'discipline'. There is an emotional/psychological aspect is by far the most damaging-- being threatened and screamed at by an out-of-control adult while they hit you, means that this is someone who is not capable of successfully regulating their emotions.

And if they can't do that for themselves, they certainly can't teach you.

Ntop__ · 2020-09-10T08:54:44+00:00

I was hit as a child and told it's because "daddy loves you". I'm so grateful that I found an external support system through which I learned this was inexcusable behaviour no matter the intentions.

First woman from the lineage to be without abuse in her relationships.

Breaking the cycle, one step at a time.

2020-09-10T12:59:31+00:00

This is so true. My mother used to scream at me, brutalize me and insult me so much that I grew up, I thought that men who treat you poorly were actually loving me.

It took a lot of time to realize that abuse does not need to be accepted.

Prinnykin · 2020-09-10T07:46:57+00:00

100%. My mother was abusive - she used to kick me and call me a fucking slut. I ended up in multiple abusive relationships because I thought that behavior was normal.

Davina33 · 2020-09-10T07:55:19+00:00

Love this!

StrainingMyNeurons · 2020-09-10T10:49:44+00:00

Studies also show a link between women who were physically abused as children and those who enjoy/want to experience physically violent sex as adults. Meaning that their partner may seem okay on the surface but they relive the trauma through sex. Imo, most men who participate in kink (especially when it’s mainly directed upon the woman) are abusers in potential. Even if it seems, in every other aspect of life, that the woman escaped her shitty upbringing.

TheGoodie · 2020-09-10T12:40:38+00:00

I love this post. Unfortunately my mom is an enabler and my dad has put his hands on my sister and I over petty things. I can’t wait to break the cycle.

shueb · 2020-09-10T12:43:18+00:00

My cousin is 4 and I adore her so much. Everytime I see her I find it so disgusting that me and my sister were her age when my dad would hit us.

It was over the smallest reasons eg pencil being blunt, spilling juice

pineappleshampoo · 2020-09-10T11:27:19+00:00

I have an infant son and I will NEVER hit or use force against him. Ever.

I will not teach him that violence of any kind is an appropriate response to someone’s behaviour.

I read in my baby book (UK based) that by the age of one years old, 75% of parents admit to have hit or used physical force as discipline against their infant. That absolutely horrified me.

Microwave79 · 2020-09-10T13:16:49+00:00

I grow up in a Nigerian household and I would get hit for even spilling milk by accident. I love my parents but.. me and my younger sister both agreed that we would not hit our kids, (if my younger sister did one day have kids but she just wants to be a childless aunt, which i think that it is fine), because we both saw how in other people's lives that that kind of discipline did not change a child's behavior and even made the child resent the parent. But my older sister wants to continue to discipline her future kids like that.. and my younger sister and I tried to convince that that sort of discipline would not be beneficial to your future kids in the long run.. but she is adamant on doing that so I just left it be.. But for me, I actually want my future kids to confide in me also, which I don't be seeing sometimes from my other relatives' lives. no tea and no shade

CravingSatisfaction · 2020-09-10T15:12:09+00:00

As a survivor of both parental child abuse and domestic violence — I condone this message.

valarmorghulis-- · 2020-09-10T15:18:36+00:00

Growing up my dad used physical force to discipline and my mom preferred to talk things out calmly. I only talk to one parent today.

heleninthealps · 2020-09-10T07:41:35+00:00

Daaaaaamn. This.

0kfornow · 2020-09-10T09:48:41+00:00

Cityshy · 2020-09-10T13:36:51+00:00

Can't understand how anyone can hit or yell at their kids. If you can't self regulate why on Earth would you expect a baby/toddler/child to be able to. Punishment is awful parenting from shitty people who cba to do the research or develop empathy and self control. They don't deserve to be parents

PinkFurLookinLikeCam · 2020-09-10T14:51:06+00:00

This. And also, if my daughter hits my son (rare), she gets called out for it too. My son isn’t going to learn that physical abuse is warranted under any circumstance. When I take my son out to do errands, I always have him pick out something for himself (could be like a pencil, a little ball, nothing insane) and I always have him pick out a gift for his sister and present her with it (it’s usually the same thing he got haha). She always loves being presented with gifts from her brother and it encourages the expectation of being treated like a queen.

textbasedpanda · 2020-09-10T13:42:14+00:00

Deadass my bio mom actually convinced kid-me that being throw around and whipped was actually healthy and necessary because kids need to cry it out. Ugh.

atuan · 2020-09-10T12:35:32+00:00

I have been trying to no avail for years to talk to my daughter's dad about how constantly punishing our daughter for bad behavior is setting her up for an abusive relationship. Instead you model the behavior you want to see and are loving. He thinks that's "letting her get away" with stuff. It breaks my heart that I didn't see all this before and now I'm stuck with him parenting her.

sharpbehind · 2020-09-10T16:26:32+00:00

I'm so proud of my sister for doing the same with my niece and nephew. Out of 4 she's the only one who has children, all the rest of us decided not to because of our insanely abusive childhoods. I'm tearing up just thinking about her patience and kindness with her children. It took me 25 years to escape the domestic violence merry go round. This message needs to be plastered on billboards!!

CarmelPeach · 2020-09-10T20:04:26+00:00

And my parents will NEVER admit to ANY forms of abusive actions they put on me mentally and physically. If I bring it up it’s always “ it’s all about you, you’re the victim “ . Like yes, I was raised by two narcissists lmao

KY0203 · 2020-09-10T15:33:31+00:00

As a mother of three little boys, I refuse to use physical violence as a means of discipline. These early years are formative and the foundation of their core belief system. There’s enough shitty men in this world already. I need to do my part to raise little men who know violence does not equate to love. That unless it’s a “hell yeah” it’s a “hell no”, when it comes to consent.

My boys adore me more than anything and I can only hope that as I share my horrible experiences with men (age appropriately, of course), and they see the pain it has caused their own mother, that they will believe n listen to other women and never treat them with anything less than their utmost respect. I will NEVER tolerate a child of mine treating a woman poorly. And yes, the bare fucking minimum is the same as being treated poorly.

My own mother is still great friends with many of my brothers exes, and so am I. One girl in particular we were very happy to see leave my brother and encouraged it, as he was an absolute garbage human at that time in life. We still love and adore her. She’s now married with a child, yet still will always be apart of our family. Strong women never side with a scrote just bc he is “family”. We don’t blame other women and more importantly, we encourage them to stand up and demand their worth!

galian84 · 2020-09-10T18:59:54+00:00

This hit me hard. I grew up with a father who was traveling too much for work to spend time with us, and a mother who guilt-tripped, gaslit, yelled at and criticized me. Guess what kind of behavior I accepted from men? All of the above. But, my grandparents disciplined my mom the same way. We have to be the ones to break the cycle.

Both my parents are much better now, but its too late to undo the emotional and mental scars, and its a long journey so far. FDS has helped so much in helping me realize my self worth!

GAaliyah12 · 2020-09-10T12:40:52+00:00

I was whooped as a child but I don't remember my parents saying anything about it. It was always "cuz yo ass don't know how to act"

This is good tho. I, as a parent, probably wouldn't have the energy to whoop my child.

2020-09-10T13:38:10+00:00

This do be right!

ragetimethrowaway · 2020-09-10T14:51:44+00:00

PERIODT

2020-09-10T15:38:18+00:00

This post (and all your comments) are making me cry so much.

curlygirl507 · 2020-09-11T05:44:43+00:00

Why is violence against children so common?

If it's a natural human reaction, what steps can we take to prevent others from engaging in it?

2020-09-10T17:28:34+00:00

Just never enter a relationship (en even less have a kid ) with someone who yells. I don't care if it doesn't happen a lot, just don't. I don't want to get into why someone yells when they're tired or angry, sometimes it's understandable (toxic environment growing up and doesn't know better for real), sometime it's not (entitled and narcissistic people), but it's not your problem. Good for them if they learned better ways to cope, I still wont have a kid with them because things can always go back to the way there were.

I wait 8 years before having a kid with my SO. In those 8 years, he never yell at me once. Of course we got angry at each other from time to time, but I just don't think that yelling is a part of his range of reactions. So obviously, it's not a problem with our daughter and I know it will never be (unless she does sometime extremely stupid or dangerous growing up and we react poorly out of fear)

Feminineprincess · 2020-09-10T13:44:01+00:00

I was just thinking of this concept yesterday. My father used to hit me when I was little girl, sometimes in the face because of talking back or something as little as making “faces”. Mind you, he was 6 foot 2 and 300 pounds. Now that I’m 21 and sexually active, I correlated the link between me wanting rough and kind of brutal sex from a man and my father hitting me when I was misbehaving.

scooter_se · 2020-09-10T17:35:19+00:00

One of the best things my mom ever did for me was taking no shit and marrying/having kids with a HVM, my dad. They have a loving relationship with good conflict resolution. I was not raised to accept abuse from anyone, especially men. It breaks my heart to see so many of my peers tolerate shitty behavior by L/NVMs. Your kids learn what you show them.

smart-tart23 · 2020-09-10T19:41:17+00:00

Yep 👍

curlygirl507 · 2020-09-11T05:53:05+00:00

My mom died when I was 5. She married my nvm father after knowing him a few weeks and immediately became pregnant with me. She already had breast cancer at that time, and it was discovered about 3 years later.

While my mom was getting chemo and radiation, she used to spank me. It's one of the few memories I have of her. I have no memory of what I did "wrong" to deserve being hit. To this day I still fantasize about being hit and it has a sexual connotation for me, although I don't accept violence from partners or engage in violence in real life in any way.

If you're thinking about hitting your children, please keep this in mind.

resilientspirit · 2020-09-10T20:01:31+00:00

My buys are 7 and 5 and have never been spanked. I was spanked as a child and it screwed me up. We just went to by boyfriend's parents' house to visit over labor day weekend. It was the first time my met my partner's family (his mom, sad, sister, BIL, niece). They commented on how well behaved my kids were.

My children are well behaved because I dicipline them. I don't need to hit them or yell at them to get them to behave properly. Don't ever let anyone tell you kids need to be hit to learn to behave.

Title	The 👏🏽 fucking 👏🏽 message 👏🏽
Author	Brown_chick45
Upvotes	3689
Comments	70
Date	September 10, 2020 7:28 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ipyrgi/the_fucking_message/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-fucking-message.214864 https://theredarchive.com/post/214864

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