Ladies,

There’s been quite a few posts and comments about POC/WOC and our feelings about the Gabby Petito tragedy. I think some of the comments get misinterpreted or have poor delivery. I think the non-woc sense our frustration on this sub but don’t entirely understand where that comes from. I think as women, we’re all facing the same issues in society but in different ways and among those, to varying severity. I can’t promise to offer the best message and I certainly can’t speak for all POC/WOC but I can share my raw feelings and my perception of what we’re going through. I want to do this because I hope it fosters some understanding and some good conversations, as we are all in this together and should find ways to support each other instead of dividing.

In the US, POC have been through so much and yet there remain systemic inequalities. We’re tired, we’re frustrated at that. The wage gap and education gaps are significant. There’s a saying among the black community that you have to work twice as hard to get half of what a white person has. In some ways I’ve found that true. DV and crime in general are so pervasive in the POC communities here. Everyone knows some kind of victim. At the same time because of the systemic inequalities we aren’t protected- if you call police from a PoC community they usually take longer to arrive, if a white person is involved chances are their side is being taken. Our community’s missing women are rarely looked for or get media attention. As a result, our sense of personal responsibility is very very high. If you’re a victim the mentality is- you know you’re at high risk of victimization, chances are you’ve been taught how to defend yourself, and you know no one’s going to help- so deal with it. Don’t whine about it. Now combine that with growing up seeing (most) white people not go through that. Knowing that if they call for help, they’ll get results. Combine that with seeing the “karens” and the white women who abuse that privilege. White women get a pass, sympathy, apologies for things WOC would never. White women get praise for things WOC do daily. That’s the context this conversation is happening in.

I’m being honest here as a woc. I can sympathize with Gabby’s situation and I can feel bad for her family. But its hard. It’s hard when I also see women in my area die from DV but get a ten second news story and all the comments say “well she did live on that side of town”. Or when they’ve been victimized by a man with a serious record and all the comments imply she must have been turned on by a felon. Or the ones who are simply never looked for or found. But if an attractive, middle class white woman goes missing, it seems the whole world is on alert. She is called beautiful, lovely, innocent, and sweet, by people who never knew her. Women who look like me have their looks torn apart, their criminal history examined, their past suitors on display, their poverty broadcast. If we get attention it comes with degradation. So the inequality is stark and this story has rubbed it in our faces. For those of us who had accepted the lesser assistance and coverage WoC get, and tried not to focus on that issue, this brings it back up. Then we’re told now’s not the time to talk about it. Unfortunately that’s what we’re always told when we try to talk about our issues while they’re in front of us, and frankly everyone.

What makes it hard is that Gabby and other non-poc get to be innocent and ignorant to this world’s horrors in a way that me and women who look like me never could. Despite being an adult my family would lock me in the house if I mentioned the idea of going vanlife. We can’t fathom putting ourselves in that danger. Yes, we see it as placing ourselves in danger. We don’t have another way to view certain circumstances, because for us they’re guaranteed to end in trouble. If I have an inkling of suspicion that a man is dangerous I have to get away, because no one’s coming for me if it turns bad. It is my responsibility to do that, not by choice, but that’s just how my world works. Women in my community don’t get sympathy even when the man strikes at random. I can’t imagine breaking down in front of the police the way she did, they’d probably send me to a mental institute or say it was some type of resistance to the officer. WOC are afraid to cry or get emotional because we are not met with empathy when that happens. So to us, the officers implying she had a mental condition and needed medication or that this was “just” mutual combat….that’s being let off easy. For us it would be worse.

So I’m torn here to be honest and I think many WOC are too. We have sympathy but the empathy is really hard. It’s hard to understand why someone with more privilege than ourselves didn’t escape this situation when she had the ability, to an extent we don’t, when our women in worse situations have to get themselves out. I think our harshness and whatabout-ism comes from this place and these feelings we have. The frustration and the callousness comes out because these feelings will never be resolved and we know it. Ultimately I think we all have to respect each other’s feelings and backgrounds, accept that some of us of any race will have privilege, and still work together to keep each other safe. That’s what I hope the ladies of this sub can continue doing for each other.