Do most women take the marriage and kids revelation as positive or negative realistically?

Afraid_Fondant_7903 · 2026-07-10T21:12:06+00:00

I already know I want to be a wife and mom now at 21 but don’t see why that would make me settle for a man I don’t like?

Lysa_Bell · 2026-07-10T21:15:49+00:00

A lot of women know early on what they want in life. The question is usually to find the right partner to get there. Its less of a sudden realisation but more of the feeling of a dream starting to slip away and there is more urgency.

Its a bit like when people get into a midlife crisis because they suddenly realise they aren't as fit anymore as they used to so they want to fulfil some things they thought they still have time for.

democrattotheend · 2026-07-10T21:27:25+00:00

I got more serious about dating when I hit that age, but I was never into one night stands or sleeping around before that. I was a late bloomer and wasn't that focused on dating for most of my 20's. When I did date I was always in it to find a boyfriend and maybe eventual husband (I'm just not the casual type), but I spent more time on dating apps, went out on more dates, and was more purposeful about not letting guys waste my time when I got to my late 20's.

I met my now husband right after my 30th birthday, and he was the first guy I didn't really feel like I was settling with. I was so used to having to "settle" for guys who were as socially awkward as I was, but my husband, despite being a nerd (I'm also a nerd, so that's not a bad thing), was fun to talk to and at the time seemed better at socializing than I was. I will admit that he wasn't my usual "type" physically - I had never dated a guy with long hair before. But he was/is attractive looking enough to check that box and go on to evaluating other qualities that were more important to me - personality, enjoy spending time with him, how he treats me, goals and outlook on life, etc.

In the interest of full disclosure, though, I was never the type of woman who had men doting on me everywhere I went. I'm attractive enough but never put that much effort into it, and I don't have a flirty personality and am very socially awkward. And while "Chad" types might be nice eye candy I was never into pushy super-alpha types. Most of what they advise on red pill forums was a huge turnoff to me.

Barneysparky · 2026-07-10T21:16:57+00:00

That is the age when most people are ready to settle down and start a family. Its not a revelation, its common sense.

Men also mature into wanting a family around 30.

Flightlessbirbz · 2026-07-10T21:35:36+00:00

Well I can’t relate because the opposite happened to me. I always assumed I’d want to get married and have kids, was engaged, apparently on the track to do that. But then hit my late 20s and started having nightmares about getting married or being pregnant. Like full-on, wake up sweating nightmares that my mom was “helping” me get ready for my wedding, but I was chained up and crying and she didn’t care. Or that I was pregnant and would give birth to a dead baby or an animal. Pretty dark and disturbing stuff. This tipped me off that “hey maybe you don’t actually wanna do this, at least not with him, and not now.”

I eventually got married, but it was more for practical reasons vs feeling the need for a marriage license to legitimize anything. Kids are not for me and I don’t see that changing.

I don’t really judge other women’s experiences with wanting or not wanting marriage and/or kids as a good or bad thing. I have a bit of nervous skepticism for women who suddenly decide they need kids when they think their fertility window is closing. Like that might be hormones talking vs actually being a good idea. But it’s not my place to say one way or another.

Expensive_Lion1807 · 2026-07-10T21:28:41+00:00

Funny, women are criticized for this but I don’t see huge numbers of men wanting to get married and have children in their early twenties. Nor are most early to mid twenties people financially stable enough to afford kids in this economy.

In the United States, the median age for a first marriage is 30.8 years old for men and 28.4 years old for women. This reflects a long-term trend of Americans marrying later in life, heavily influenced by a focus on education, financial stability, and changing cultural norms.

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2026-07-10T21:28:36+00:00

Story time: I was teaching in China, and the Australian guy I had been dating broke up with me in the middle of our vacation in a backpackers town with a bunch of his coworkers. 11 of us were sharing 2 hostel rooms, and I couldn’t get away from anyone. They went off to one bar, and I went to a different one. The host of the bar gave me free beer while I played Lucinda Williams songs on the bar’s beat up guitar and felt sorry for myself. I was listening to a guy talk about all the traveling he had done, a few dozen countries over several years, and all of a sudden, I had this urge to go home. I was 26, and had experienced amazing things. I had been to some of the most beautiful places in Europe and Asia, I had had great experiences with platonic and romantic relationships, and I was done.

2 months later, I went home. A year after that, I met my husband. We’ve been together for 22 years, married 21.

It’s not that we’re settling. It’s that young people want to collect exciting experiences, but you outgrow that stage and start wanting to build permanent things with people who are also permanent fixtures in your life. And part of what makes you happy to move to the building stage as opposed to the collecting stage is the fact that you got to have the exciting experiences in the first place.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2026-07-10T21:24:29+00:00

I knew at maybe 17 I just want to find and marry my true love. And I always knew I don't want kids.

AngeAware · 2026-07-10T22:17:10+00:00

I'll be 28 when I get married and that's already pretty late within my social circle. I met my fiancé at 23 but he agreed to a longer courtship since I had just started postgrad when we met.

I'm Catholic and never fully ruled out joining a convent until I met my fiancé. Though around high school I knew that my ideal would be to find the right man, marry, and have children. The convent would be my next choice. Marrying a man I felt lukewarm or uncertain about was never an option. I didn't really see my desires in a positive or negative light. It just felt like a natural progression.

Brilliant-Block-8200 · 2026-07-10T23:26:16+00:00

Hard to say. In my own circle the women who had never wanted children still do not want children. The one who did change her mind, changed it while in a relationship with her partner

But my guess is that most women who do change their minds might be realizing that single life or childfree life isn’t for them. So it’s less likely to be settling and more them maturing and having a better understanding of what they want in life

chamomilecloud · 2026-07-10T21:11:11+00:00

I knew I wanted to be someone's wife as early as, like, 19 years old. Being a mom was much more in the air. I thought having kids would be nice but it didn't feel like some burning need, so I'd always thought that if I didn't have kids, things would still be okay. Then I turned 27 and I started to get really intense baby fever, and I knew I would not be able to have a life without children.

I don't think this is anything like "seeing the light." I think what we want is influenced by the stage of life we're at. Of course having new goals and dreams in life are going to be seen as positive by the people who discover it's what they want.

ThatBitchA · 2026-07-10T21:36:12+00:00

I've always wanted to be a wife.

I didn't feel ready to be a wife until my 30s. I wanted to live and experience things. And it took time to find someone I wanted to marry and who wanted to marry me.

JollyBowler2510 · 2026-07-10T22:13:42+00:00

Depends, I think some women get scared and settle quickly. But it's about the same amount of us that know from the start we don't want children at all, ever.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2026-07-11T01:26:51+00:00

I wouldn't call it desperation. I didn't want to sit down and knit on a Fridayl while I'm catching up on my ASOIAF video essays when I was 23, now I want that cause it sounds good. Just because I didn't want something 10 years ago does mean I'm settling for it now.

Are there some desperate women? Sure. But a lot of guys seem to just be upset that they didn't have fun in their 20s and think it's unfair that, maybe, women now may want them when they want (probably in their minds) boring adult things like a marriage and kids.

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-07-11T02:06:31+00:00

All the women I have ever known always knew they wanted marriage and kids someday with the right man.

Some weren't ready for that to start given educational demands or career ambitions or such. But they always knew someday, if you catch my drift.

I don't think there's a lot of women who are like waking up at 30 suddenly going "wait, I've suddenly decided I do want kids and a husband". I'm sure it happens, don't get me wrong.

But I think it's far more likely that's the age everyone feels stable and like they've climbed the mountains they intend to.

Novadina · 2026-07-10T23:29:37+00:00

I am in my 40s, I’ve never seen this desperate stage in women you are talking about. The women I knew in my 20s who didn’t want kids didn’t have any, and the ones who had kids in their 20s and 30s knew they wanted kids, except for one who had an accident and didn’t want an abortion. Some didn’t know right away and had to decide, I didn’t know and thought about it a lot what way to go. None of this “all of sudden”. Just normal progression of life. Late 20s through the 30s seems a common time to decide to create children for both men and women if they are the types to want them.

I’m not sure what you mean if it’s positive or negative. I think the only negative is if you don’t want kids but have them because of laws forcing it. Everything else is positive - it’s pretty good to figure out if you want kids or not by 30, since that’s when most people do it. So positive in both directions for someone making decisions for their life.

love_in_october · 2026-07-11T09:39:02+00:00

I don't think it's some kind of revelation. Most people have a good idea of whether they want marriage and children since they're teenagers. But if you find you haven't got there by the time you're thirty you'll want to be more intentional about it. People often even plan to wait to do it around thirty so they're not desperate at all when it comes around, it was what they wanted.

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Robot_Alchemist · 2026-07-11T00:09:18+00:00

That “revelation” is an increase in hormone production

Bulky_Analyst_9168 · 2026-07-11T05:05:04+00:00

I have always wanted stability in my relationships and dated for finding a serious partner for life. My first relationship was ten years (ages 19-29) and ended because while in our early twenties our goals and dreams matched, 30's getting closer we started to want very different things for life and there was no compromises without other (or both) ending bitter.

And when I dated again in my 30's I was pickier than ever and my standards were much higher than decde ago. Settling has never been an option.

It's very normal in your early 20's you don't know yet what you want from life, you more just wander around, have adventures and learn about yourself and what kind of life you want to live. It's equal for both genders. But in 30's usually you already have some vision of your dream life and what has to be done to get it. You need a partner who shares that vision. That's not settling to anything, but the opposite.

eichhoernchenlucy · 2026-07-11T11:24:21+00:00

I don't think most women suddenly realize at 30 that they want a husband and kids. I think most women who want that at 30 already knew at 20 that they wanted it eventually, but it was not very high on the priority list, for example because there was still a lot of time, they were anyway not financially ready yet, they were still in uni etc.

I get the desire for stability, and I think it can also stem from being tired of not having stability, so not necessarily a positive. There is a trade-off between having an exciting life full of novelty, travel, moving to new places, spontaneity etc. and a stable life where you can plan ahead and make commitments to relationships, permanent housing, work etc. But at least for me, I know that being in a relationship where we are not really that compatible actually makes me more miserable than being single, so I would never settle for the sake of stability when that stability is with a man that I don't really like that much. In fact, my standards are much higher when I think of what it would be like to be with this man for years or even the rest of my life, rather than when I think of whether it would be fun to date this guy for a couple of months during the summer.

emmarie1023 · 2026-07-11T14:25:17+00:00

In my social circle what I’ve seen is they don’t “settle” when they reach a certain age, but what they care about does change. They look more for men who are stable, consistent, kind, would be good fathers, etc. I think a lot of people in their 20s (men and women) can be a bit more superficial and maybe focus too much on looks, or get drawn into hot and cold behavior.

Title	Do most women take the marriage and kids revelation as positive or negative realistically?
Author	harmonica2
Upvotes	4
Comments	37
Date	July 10, 2026 8:57 PM UTC (1 week ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1uszza0/do_most_women_take_the_marriage_and_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-most-women-take-the-marriage-and-kids.1584710 https://theredarchive.com/post/1584710

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