Q4ALL: Have you been "Alpha widow'd"?

lady_baker · 2016-04-13T18:12:08+00:00

Yes. My second real boyfriend (also second sexual partner.)

I cared for my first, was head over heels for my second, cared for my third and love my husband. But there is no doubt that I have had to work a lot harder to create spark and deepen the bond with my husband because I literally used up a certain amount of those... receptors? Places in my heart? Something. I wish I could go back and erase the whole relationship, because my husband is the one who deserves that kind of almost fanatical devotion and attraction.

I believe that this can be overcome, with self awareness, working on attraction cues, and the passage of time. But the order in which you meet people matters, no matter how much we wish it didn't.

This concept, along with being able to look at my husband as a captain, is why I bought so thoroughly into being red. It rang so very, very true.

despisedlove2 · 2016-04-13T16:56:11+00:00

Here is a recent post that might hint at something like this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/4eet3v/sperm_bank_deception/

Was disgusting to read it. You have been warned.

danxmason · 2016-04-14T14:06:01+00:00

You know you've been widowed when you say "I did anal with my ex but I won't do it now"

Wolfsouls · 2016-04-13T17:54:44+00:00

Sigh -raises hand-

Like half a year ago I met this amazing guy online, he was tall and mysterious and had the face of a model. Just being seen in his presence made me feel proud, as weird as that sounds. We went on several dates, had awesome sex, and then he dropped off the face of the Earth. I probably should have seen it coming, but hey I'm only human. I had total oneitis for him, even though he was a cat person, smoked cigs, and liked fantasy football I was willing to look past it all for that gorgeous face.

Such a shame. That experience has made me much more hesitant to trust men, and I haven't had sex with anyone else since. I don't know if I'm more afraid of being used again, or of the possibility that I'll never feel that raw magnetic attraction for anyone else.

TheChemist158 · 2016-04-13T17:08:00+00:00

Alpha widow is one of those terms that I scoff at. People can have their heart broken and it can leave a lasting affect on them. But alpha widow generally thought to happen to women who ride the cock carousel, and she manage to sleep with a super awesome alpha, but never got him to commit. And after this session of casual sex she is forever haunted by the memories of this alpha. That is ridiculous to me. No one is going to be heat broken and forever damaged over a guy she only had sex with. Long, emotionally intensive relationship, yeah, I can see that. Night of steamy sex, nope.

Anyway, I've not been alpha widowed by either standard.

MissMaude · 2016-04-13T18:15:56+00:00

My husband broke up with me a lot when we first dated. He "wasn't good at relationships," or "just didn't have the time to be a boyfriend right now," or he was "better at being FWBs" and I was crushed every time. I tried dating a really nice guy after one of our breakups and it didn't go well. I didn't even try to fake it with the nice guy. I don't know how well I would have moved on from my husband of I'd been forced to but luckily I tricked him into marrying me so I'll never have to find out!! Everything's coming up Maude!

UberBluntCruising · 2016-04-14T09:55:39+00:00

Also for the guys, feel free to respond.. I think it's totally possible for a guy to be "alpha widow'd" by a woman who they couldn't normally pull

Eh kinda. The first girl I banged was 10/10. She was crazy, but very very sexy. I still think about her sometimes because why wouldn't I?

But this:

Do you feel emotionally broken and not able to connect as well with new(er) partners?

I don't relate to at all.

Even if I had my pick right now, I'd pick my current girlfriend over that ex every time. My current gf is not as hot but we have much more compatibility and more of an emotional connection than I ever did with anyone else.

My current gf has also been with me for years without dumping me for a 50 year old so that helps too.

ArthurMacArthur · 2016-04-13T18:08:10+00:00

I have not been. If anything happened to Mr. Arthur, I probably would be, but I had basically no social life in college and met him shortly after graduating, so it's not like I accumulated a ton of experience before beginning to date him.

GuitarsAreGettingOld · 2016-04-14T10:48:40+00:00

No. I should have been, because my first girlfriend was so awesome. But for some reason, I wasn't.

Sunhappy_DC · 2016-04-14T15:34:08+00:00

I was an alpha widow and freefalling into a life of loser singledom. Then I found /r/redpillwives and all was well. You can totally get alpha widowed but recover if you give a fuck about not being a spinster.

GridReXX · 2016-04-13T17:26:06+00:00

Briefly.

But it was a crush.

And I never even had any sort of sexual relations with the dude.

I think we made out at various friend group dinners 6 years into the crush.

But we never even cuddled or had a date or had sex or fondled or anything Jesus!

edit In college we did used to take long walks in the park and have lunch together I suppose. end edit

I'm over him now, but yeah.

Also does my story prove that women don't need to have sex with someone to be into them? TRPers seem to relate everything to sex and "cocks."

sen--sen · 2016-04-13T17:04:38+00:00

i wouldn't say so. there are breakups and relationships that certainly hurt and affected me, and the effects are still apparent in some ways. i don't think about those men or pine after them or whatever, though; definitely moved on and found someone i'm way happier with.

i think the alpha widow is just another TRP fantasy, revolving around destroying/being idolized by women.

deadsandsushi · 2016-04-14T03:19:36+00:00

Absolutely not.

My boyfriend of over 1 year is the 10th man I've slept with (I'm 35), and yest that is 10, not 10x3 :D. None of the 10 were one night stands, but he is the first LTR I've had.

He is the ONLY one I've been in love with and the only one I've bonded with emotionally. None of the other 9 have made it impossible for me to genuinely love my man, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.

So no, I'd say that I haven't been alpha widowed. I also dispute the idea that women can't pairbond with anyone other than their first. My first was not someone I loved.

damaskrose · 2016-04-14T09:37:59+00:00

I married my alpha (disclaimer: my definition of alpha is probably different than TRP's). I honestly think if he dumped me, no other guy - or at least, no other guy I'd be able to get - would compare. I've told him before that I would still want him to sire my babies even if we broke up.

TPCCH · 2016-04-15T05:23:16+00:00

Nope. It's a personality thing, happens to some, but isn't nearly as universal as TRP claim. If you don't have that personality, you don't linger on the ghosts from your past. Or you don't have a past (not just n=0, but no emotional boyfriends either).

solasidore · 2016-04-15T18:01:34+00:00

IRL one also uses "to have a broken heart" instead. I believe for any human being it means same consequences: fear to commit, inability to accept love, unhealthy attempts to rationalize emotions in the next relationships, disapointment in opposite sex (not quite sure about correct term for a case of same-sex attraction).

Everyone has indeed been Alpha Widowed: woman, man, rp, bp, pp etc. Despite the dramatic term (and in contrast to actually being widowed, i.e. dealing with death of a partner) it's overcomeable. And for any sexes effective strategies are the same.

LifterofThings · 2016-04-16T15:41:22+00:00

No. Inexplicably, the most alpha man I've ever been with is the one who's stuck around. He's head and shoulders above everyone else I've ever banged (or dated) in terms of attractiveness and dominance.

I also know this is a really unusual outcome, and recognize how lucky I've been.

ozymandias271 · 2016-04-13T19:03:41+00:00

I have dated some people that I'm still in love with, even though they turned out to be wrong for me. I'm not sure if that's what's meant by 'alpha widow'. I am, however, way super poly. "Love is infinite, time is not", as they say, and being in love with people you haven't talked to in years takes up remarkably little of the latter. :P

It hasn't changed my feelings for anyone else. It's not like you can only feel such-and-such amount of love and if you use it up on one person then you can't love anyone else.

The fiance has said "I don't care, I'm the one who gets to have sex with you", which I feel is an eminently practical attitude.

SpaceWhiskey · 2016-04-14T04:39:42+00:00

Nah. If you'd asked me this question ten years ago I might have said yes, but I've stopped putting exes on a pedestal a long time ago. The one guy you could arguably say I was hung up on and would have married and had children with when I was younger if he'd have had me turned out to be a complete trainwreck. I dodged a massive bullet and I wouldn't be in the awesome relationship I'm in now.

xorchids · 2016-04-13T17:06:10+00:00

Never. I'm nobody's bitch, and I don't get caught up in the allure of money because money doesn't phase me. I've had all kinds of people interested in me. I have a look to me where rich Jewish guys (and girls) will be interested me, successful black men and rich foreign guys. (who are usually medical professionals). Not even new money, because who has time for that - old money is where the class and taste is. Some definitely want to make me a LTR, but I've got no time for that either. If you bore me, your porsche is worthless.

Just this past summer, my mother had cancer (she's doing fine if you're wondering - unfortunately for me). Anywho, every day I would be at the hospital and there was this doctor that would stare at me every day. One day I went over to introduce myself, turns out he was actually a surgeon and after a brief conversation I took a clear look at his wedding band and told him to have a nice day.

I'm no home wrecker, and no one uses me. You can talk to me when you lose the wife. (but you never will).

Fast cars and fast men and women are not worth being someone's bitch. Dump that faster than they can get you undressed. Be nobody's bitch.

PemBayliss · 2016-04-13T17:14:56+00:00

Yeah... men get "oneitis" all the time. Alpha widowhood is similar.

susandeath · 2016-04-14T08:02:37+00:00

I had a "one that got away". We hooked up but didn't date. Became friends. I even went to his wedding. I remember wondering what would have happened if I hadn't been to scared to date him.

But it all worked out in the end. He didn't stay married and we have been together for 4 years now. :)

[deleted] · 2016-04-13T18:43:47+00:00

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Title	Q4ALL: Have you been "Alpha widow'd"?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	8
Comments	242
Date	April 13, 2016 4:41 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4emf44/q4all_have_you_been_alpha_widowd/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-have-you-been-alpha-widowd.275159 https://theredarchive.com/post/275159

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