The problem with standards

leosandlattes · 2025-01-07T18:34:51+00:00

No new looks posts. Make your post as a comment in the weekly thread if it’s the applicable topic for this week, otherwise wait until next week. Remove the line about how attractive people cannot love.

You also cannot ask Q4All questions on Debate posts. Make that a separate thread otherwise people will not follow Debate thread rules.

flakybottom · 2025-01-07T16:27:30+00:00

Yeah I think nonsense standards are a big problem. One example is my friend who intentionally goes for adventurous, outdoors men while she is a homebody, then gets mad when they don't want to sit inside and watch youtube with her all day.

TheGloriousEv0lution · 2025-01-07T16:25:37+00:00

I think it’s fine to have as high or low standards if you want, and I’ll go a step further and say they don’t have to be congruent or consistent. I had standards I set for my partner that I didn’t have for myself, and if they’re okay with it then there’s no issue

But if you have high standards and whine about not finding anybody then you deserve no sympathy

Any-Remove-4032 · 2025-01-07T16:46:53+00:00

My only standard is, do she make me laugh?

She do.

I love my wife.

HappyCat79 · 2025-01-07T17:31:38+00:00

I disagree that an attractive person can’t treat someone with deep love. There are ugly people incapable of deep love as well (like my ex).

I find my SO very attractive and he finds me very attractive and we treat one another with incredibly deep love. He is a hard worker with free time, too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Novadina · 2025-01-07T16:55:50+00:00

The one implicit standard I find really strange is to want an objectively highly attractive person and want to be treated with a deep love. Generally those people have a lot of options so you won’t be treated that well since you’re a statistic to them

Are you saying attractive people can’t love?? Give me a break.

Every_Pirate_7471 · 2025-01-07T16:19:07+00:00

The only bad standard is one you don’t hold yourself to.

AssPlay69420 · 2025-01-07T17:11:50+00:00

The main problem with standards is turning human connection into an equation right off the bat.

You’re already keeping score.

Instead, just vibe around and go with it, man.

TopShelfSnipes · 2025-01-07T16:30:43+00:00

High Standards can't be compensated:

Loyalty - cannot be compromised. Absolute loyalty. Will not cheat in a relationship, will have the decency to end it first. Will not entertatin advances.

Physical attraction - cannot be compromised. If you're not physically attracted to them, it's not going to work.

Personality - cannot be compromised. If you don't like spending time together, it's not going to work.

(LTR only) Shared goals - cannot be compromised. If you aren't pursuing the same life goals, you will grow apart or someone will have to give up what's core to them to make a relationship work which will breed resentment.

Incompatible Standards:

Hard working in career/lots of free time - Only so many hours in a day

Good coparent/top earner - These things just aren't compatible with modern work/life balance UNLESS someone makes significant money through interest/dividends on wealth AND lives well below their means.

Promiscuous/low libido - It is unfair to ask a promiscuous partner to settle down into a low libido lifestyle. You have to "match their freak" as they say and meet their needs in that regard, and it's unfair to demand they suppress those desires if you are unwilling to meet them as their partner.

Risktaker/Responsible - These two things are at odds. Find someone that falls where you want. Someone cannot possibly be high in both.

Protective/Harmless - Someone who is protective cannot by definition be harmless, or else they are an ineffective protector. If you want someone protective, you have to be willing to put up with some element of that person that is capable of danger or violence, the key is making sure it's never directed at you.

Leader/Deferential - It is unreasonable to expect someone with leadership traits who is going to defer to you in a partnership. If you want a leader, you need to be willing to push back and argue/compromise (in a healthy way), you cannot expect a leader to just defer to you.

Good cook/tolerance for picky eaters - If you are a picky eater, you can't demand a good cook when you're not willing to try new foods. Picky eaters of any kind were always a dealbreaker for me - vegan, vegetarian, no dairy, no fish, "I don't eat foreign food"...all dealbreakers back in my single days. I love trying new food and cuisines, there are a handful of things I don't like, but I seriously have no idea how people eat the same thing everyday or think of spaghetti and meatballs as "a treat." Spaghetti and meatballs is what you eat when nobody wants to cook or go out, or deal with delivery.

attendquoi · 2025-01-07T16:45:06+00:00

None of your standards sound contradictory to me. I don't know why you think only desperate ugly people can love someone lol

growframe · 2025-01-07T16:54:05+00:00

There aren't "bad" standards. Standards are a value neutral tool that people use to help select for desired outcomes in dating. I don't think having a budget, or having certain specs/feature/look etc. requirements when shopping are a "good" or "bad" action, and I don't think rhey are in datint either.

Of course, some times you just don't find something up to standard. Markets won't always have the perfect good at the perfect price, and neither will dating. I don't think that's a "bad" standard though. Whether or not it's more effective to alter your standards and make some compromises, or to deduce that the market can't provide something satisfactory is up to the person holding the standard, and what kinds of outcomes they're looking for.

The only issue arises when people blame the market for not finding something satisfactory.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2025-01-07T17:17:19+00:00

First, there's no such creature as "objectively highly attractive person", just like there's no "objective attraction". Attractivness is very subjective by it's nature. Second, you can have absolutley any standards you want. You just have to understand how many potential partners can meet them. Just to avoid wasting time on being annoyed that there's no billionares in local bar.

Realistically there should be few non-negotiable traits, few "good to have" traits and few dealbreakers. Everything else is negitable.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-01-07T17:42:44+00:00

I think some standards fall into the "pick one" category and others you should expect from any partner, regardless of their attractiveness. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to love you deeply and be loyal to you, even if they look like peak Chris Evans. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a partner to treat you with respect, to be kind and considerate, and to make you feel like you're special to them, that's what your partner should do. Nobody is hot enough to be able to say "Sorry, I'm too hot to treat you well" and not be a giant turd, even if they're a very shiny one.

On the other hand, I do agree that sometimes people want contradictory things. Oh, you want a woman who looks like one of those Insta models but she isn't high maintenance and she looks like she has a filter on at all times despite never wearing any makeup? Highly unlikely. Oh, you want a dude who has a banging body but doesn't go to the gym every day, doesn't have a specific diet plan and just eats whatever while you spend 5 hours binging Netflix every night? Also highly unlikely.

A lot of people haven't thought through what they actually want in a relationship and just go by what looks good on social media. Yes, having a baddie hang off your arm sounds really good in theory, but a lot of guys will bitch endlessly about how long their non-influencer partners take to get ready, I doubt they'd enjoy the daily life with an Insta chick. Yes, having a hot dude with a six-pack and biceps to die for sounds really good in theory, but a lot of women will complain about their boyfriends not spending enough time with them or how they're picky eaters, I doubt they'd enjoy the daily life with a dude who spends a lot of time on his physique, and who has to maintain a pretty specific diet. They can still want these kinds of people, but I'm not going to be particularly sympathetic to any of my couch potato friends if their partner spends their weekends hiking - you wanted an outdoorsy type while not being one yourself, I don't know what you expected.

DankuTwo · 2025-01-07T17:57:28+00:00

It is all about your social circle. My standards (young-ish, highly educated, thin, socially competent, reasonably attractive) are extremely high on a macro level. In my community, however, they are very commonly achieved (over 50% of women 25-35?).

All things are local, at the end of the day.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-01-07T18:09:54+00:00

Standards are bullshit, you just need to fall in love and then work it out. A list of standards doesn't create the spark.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-01-07T18:18:56+00:00

Rather presumptive to say that people with options won’t choose or love

Zabadoodude · 2025-01-07T16:40:02+00:00

I agree that some traits rarely go together, making such a partner hard to find.

The one I disagree with is attractive people being less loving. I've been with some women that would be considered below average, and some that were conventionally attractive, including a literal model. In my experience the hotter ones were kinder, more secure, and more loving. I suspect it's because if a hot woman is dating you, it's because she wants you, while an unattractive woman might date you because she couldn't find anyone else, and will resent you for it. The same is likely true for unattractive guys.

Foyles_War · 2025-01-07T16:25:45+00:00

I would disagree that attractive people are inherently selfish and view others as statistics. But, yes, one should be aware that "standards" can conflict or be unrealistic. Personally, I prefer the term "preferences." One can prefer a very attractive partner, who is economically established, has a great sense of humor, is a certain height/weight/fitness level, likes all the same hobbies and activities, has a perfectly matched libido and sexual preferences etc. But those are preferences and subject to reality, actual personal chemistry, and pure luck of timing and the highly unlikely serendipity that you fit their preferences and trip their chemistry also.

Compromising on preferences is a positive and mature acceptance of life whereas compromising on "standards" sounds like "settling" and a negative. Furthermore, adapting and changing one's preferences as one grows makes sense and also isn't the same as "lowering standards." When we are young and not interested in settling down or even knowing what we want long term, a preference for physical attributes as a priority makes sense. When we are older a preference for matched goals and compatibility gentlying that preference for eye candy makes sense.

DoubleFistBishh · 2025-01-07T16:51:47+00:00

None of the examples you gave were incompatible with each other. You can be a hard worker but work a normal amount of hours. You can go 50/50 but not 50/50 on every single thing. And contrary to popular manosphere belief extremely attractive men can love just as deeply as everyone else lol....

Most people's standards exist on a spectrum so people already make trade-offs and compromises

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G4M35 · 2025-01-07T17:53:51+00:00

You touched on a good point, but I believe you mislabeled it, and you did not go far enough.

I am all for standard, when I was single (I am not happily married to a great woman) I have pretty high stancards for the women that I wanted to interact with, be it for FWB, ONS, or casual dating; at the same time I also had and I still do, high standards for myself.

When people have incompatible standards (e.g.: ard-worker with a lot of free time) it's a matter or stupidity; but an even bigger problem that I see is hypocrisy when people want to date outside their leagu, be that in terms of looks, or tangible or intangible qualities. I guess one could also call it "unrealistic expectations," and that's why the dating scene is the way it is today: people whipe left on people who swipe right on them and swipe right on people who swipe left on them. Priding themselves with "I have high standards" and "I am not going to lower my standars" but at the same time don't bring much to the table.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

moongrowl · 2025-01-07T18:15:51+00:00

This is pedantic, but not all hot people have shitloads of options, OP. Some of them are "ugly" internally. Some of them are 99th percentile in introversion. Some are autistic.

As such, not all hotties will fail to be loving partners.

wtknight · 2025-01-07T18:34:20+00:00

Generally those people have a lot of options so you won't be treated that well since you're a statistic to them

Actually, most of the very attractive women I’ve known have been pretty nice to their partners and pretty nice to me, even if they’d never date me. The minority of not nice women whom I’ve met seem to have been average to unattractive women who were previously played by men out of their league.

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2025-01-07T16:29:55+00:00

It’s not about a binary, but rather about priorities. You’re choosing someone among others. So while it’s not impossible to find a very attractive person who is also deeply loving, when faced with someone who is average looking but deeply loving, it might be worth placing one standard above another

Title	The problem with standards
Author	Artistic_Speech_1965
Upvotes	12
Comments	48
Date	January 7, 2025 4:11 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hvuvpd/the_problem_with_standards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-problem-with-standards.1540575 https://theredarchive.com/post/1540575

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