What do you mean exactly when you say that men are “disappointing”?

Dependent_Worry9750 · 2026-07-12T04:19:08+00:00

For me personally, it's that the men who pursued me never ultimately took much of an interest in me as an individual. They didn't care to learn anything about my inner world, or perceive that it existed. They didn't care to learn about or participate in my interests. They just wouldn't invest in me as a serious person beyond WHO I could be to/for them in the same way they naturally invested in any given male peer. It's heartbreaking to want to be close to someone who can't/won't register your full range. And yet, these same men had a natural expectation of just having all of that from me no matter what. It was always completely normal/customary to them to receive a lot of attention, validation, and personal interest that was never reciprocated.

One of the only men who's ever been an exception to that has been my best friend since early adolescence (middle age now). I'm almost 40 and it's been rare all my life to come across a male who's willing to consider my eligibility for intimate friendship. It has not been rare to come across males interested in letting me occupy a role in their lives. Very disappointing.

Lemon_gecko · 2026-07-12T07:25:32+00:00

Disappointing in what relationships i can have with them and their character.

"Are you comparing men to disney princes, men from books, celebrities" - neither. Men in disney were never stars of the show imo, and the relationship was never shown. I have no idea how celebrities are in life, and even the glimpses of their relationship is not enough to create an image of what they had. Books? Well i guess you can say books, but not smut as you think. More classic books? Where men are decisive, have some character and agency?

I dreamed of relationship where i would be liked, when a man would be someone who sees me and likes me and supports me (and before losers there lose their mind about how dare i want it, it is supposed to be mutual yes). I had this image of masculine man, yes, but not in the "alpha" meaning, but more like someone who is solid, someone who can solve issues, someone who can protect. I wanted a man who i will build relationship with, i wanted romance (no grand gestures, just feeling loved), i wanted flirt.

Instead, what i see is men who hate women and don't see them as people, or someone "less than other men". Who openly don't care about anything except tits. Who seems to want to find tolerable level of misery, like a "sweet spot" of what he can get away with before i leave. Who claim with resentment that my orgasm is my issue, he doesn't have one - so he is good, but i still have to spread my legs because he has needs. Who cosplay 3yo as if it's their main job and then complain with their adult voices about women who dared to want something from them. Who are so drowned in victim mindset that i don't know how they breathe still. Who "humble" me just because, in case i would want something in the future. I see aggressive monkeys who just demand servitude for their existence and hate me when i refuse or when i agree. So, yeah, it's disappointing. I buried the idea of having close relationship with men long time ago. And when i tell men that, they react with "haha, you think we lose something, you give us sex, that's the ultimate desire, just a woman who doesn't talk to us and gives us sex". What could be disappointing about that.....who can guess?

RelativeYak7 · 2026-07-12T05:30:25+00:00

I'm disappointed that men seem to want a woman "around" or just there but have no interest in talking or interacting. I find this gross and one of many reasons I will stay single.

TheColdWoman · 2026-07-12T07:04:06+00:00

I personally find most men fine, not disappointing, as friends and coworkers. Most but not all of the men I am around day in and day out are highly educated, intelligent, well in control of their emotions, and driven.

Why I find some men to be disappointing can be summed up into two words: lazy and dishonesty.

Laziness: I find too many men too lazy to do maintenance and it seeps in everywhere. They aren't interested in keeping their houses clean or picked up, they let grass get out of control, they ignore their car maintenance, lawn mower maintenance, don't make sure they have nice clothes. They let stuff fall apart until it can't be ignored. Counter example - when I was a SAHM for six months, I took over all household and outdoor maintenance and all kid care. I cleaned, washed, vacuumed, mowed, worked on a side gig, did all the kid stuff, everything.

This type of laziness extends to their relationships with their children and their wives. They don't show up in the evening to make sure the tykes are doing their homework. They don't show up to school events or regularly check grades. They don't read books to their kids. They want to sweep in with the big trip to Disney as weekend dad's extraordinaire when the real growth and real connections with children are the day to day basic maintenance. It's the same with relationships with your wives/girlfriends. They don't want to make consistent efforts to stay connected or to keep the sex fresh and not stale. It's hard and sometimes not fun. Better to ignore the wife and then show up with flowers or an expensive gift occasionally. But too many times it's the little things that are needed. My husband ladles me with gifts but the single BIGGEST change he made in the last three years was his decision that if I came into his office at night during his gaming (which I rarely do), he immediately takes off the headset and gives me his undivided attention. It didn't cost him a dime and maybe 5 minutes every few days but it paid him extraordinary dividends. And I didn't have to say a word; he did it on his own. Too many men seem to have problems with that.

This laziness extends to their work. Look, I think we have an insane work culture. We need more vacation and more reasonable hours. I stand with pushing back on our corporate masters on that one. But sometimes men can be quite lazy at work, doing only that work that they want to do rather than everything needed, fucking around, shooting the shit with their boys. Showing up late, showing up drunk, showing up stoned, showing up looking like a bus hit them. Let's get our hours back to reasonable but fucker show up on time. I've also seen far more men as versus women struggle with drugs in my line of work.

Finally this laziness extends to their bodies. They will weekend warrior it - they laze around all week and then go to the gym on Saturday only to limp home injured. They ignore doctors, avoid eating healthy, drink too much, and then wonder why they have heart attacks. They don't take care of their teeth, avoid the dentist, get sloppy about how they dress, and revert to living life in sweats.

Dishonesty. Pretty self-explanatory. Often it's another version of laziness. Lie to avoid the conflict or having to deliver bad news to the girlfriend or wife. Lie to avoid a serious conversation over whether going to the strip club is too hard. Lie to avoid having to deal with the maintenance I discussed above - dealing with their unruly kids, washing dishes, etc. Much easier to hang out at the bar and let wifey take care of it. And then the great nuclear explosion - > cheating.

And before you all start it - I am well aware that women can be lazy, not take care of their health, and doom scroll rather than pay attention to their kids or husband. But you asked why some men can be disappointing, well, this is what I have seen. And again, NOT ALL MEN.

pie-mart · 2026-07-12T16:20:36+00:00

Lack of genuine care of getting to know who we are. I feel like sometimes when seriously dating men, they only get to know you as deeply as one of their friends... which is to say, it ends up feeling like you're just friends with benefits vs a romantic partner

Acrobatic-Monk9735 · 2026-07-12T17:06:49+00:00

Nike held “Nike after dark” runs where women could run a half marathon at night. The plan was for the event to be safe for women. A bunch of men got offended and felt that it was misandrist for the event to be for women only. Men decided to sign up and join the runs to punish women for attending a women only event. Many men also signed up because they wanted to take slots away from women. These weren’t trans women btw. Some men also used this as an opportunity to threaten women who are running at night.

Also, any time a woman who is unattractive posts herself on Instagram, men taunt her. https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dasq\_dMt2qE/
This is just one of many examples. The woman is beautiful but because she’s like 40, men degrade the hell out of her for existing. I can make a list of a ton of videos like this if one isn’t enough.

Thats why we are disappointed. This sort of angry bitter and entitled attitude also seeps into relationships and dating. Even if they mask it, it comes out in different ways.

DMmeClownPics · 2026-07-12T23:14:10+00:00

Disappointed by their behavior. In the dating stage that can include things like trying to steer the conversation into sexual territory literally out of nowhere, unsolicited dick pics, uncalled for jealousy (like don’t expect me to not be seeing other people if we haven’t agreed to be exclusive). When dating seriously/cohabitating, stuff like not picking up after himself or doing any housework, being selfish in the bedroom. And any attempts to be manipulative at any stage are a hard line in the sand for me.

chamomilecloud · 2026-07-12T05:00:40+00:00

Most men lack traits that would make them good husbands and fathers. I find a large chunk of men physically attractive (most of them could be sexually attractive to me), but they have poor life competency.

On top of this, a lot of men are too showy to the point they lack substance, and it becomes obvious they’re trying to impress me by treating me like every other woman, rather than earnestly getting to know me. They are also sex obsessed to the point where they are willing to choose a woman they don’t really like or want to date, just to have a relationship and get sex.

My standards are informed by a mix of my parents, extended family, family friends, and my community including social class and my literal neighbors growing up. These are men who are successful, competent, knowledgeable, worldly, educated, driven, value marriage and family, excellent future orientation, generous, and level headed among other traits.

I view those kinds of men in short supply. I have a fiancé who meets what I was looking for. I think these men are easy to meet if you are in the right circles or otherwise have access to them, but it is certainly not most men.

PuzzleheadedRow9896 · 2026-07-12T04:02:35+00:00

I'm happily married now, but before I met my husband:

Appearance, character, how shallow their masculinity was. Their demands were...frightening and outlandish. Their boundaries seemed almost designed to drive away connection, but then they seemed shocked when I got to scooting. The provider thing never entered my head.

What was I expecting? Good looks, charming, depth, security, and someone that cared about my comfort and prioritized maintaining the connection and joy and treating me well.

I don't think anything really prepared me for how much men treat women as a prize to be stuck on their shelf and only really trotted out when the mood strikes or how much they see us as like something to be conquered and tricked into sex. And that disappointment was worsened by just how unremarkable most of them are to be treating me like that.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2026-07-12T16:48:58+00:00

Obviously, not all men. But many are immature and not particularly interesting or fun to be around. That's pretty disappointing. A lot are lacking in the appearance department, and some just don't care to get to know or understand you, it's like they just wanted a woman, and any woman would have been fine.

KayRay1994 · 2026-07-12T04:20:53+00:00

From my experience more men than I would like have tended to ignore boundaries as far as touching and basic requests, they take many leaps on what an interaction is, they tend to be emotionally avoidant, unwilling to listen, have an active streak of comparing genuine systemic issues to dating problems, have actively voted against the interest of others, have a tendency to try to big dick one another, refuse to take constructive feedback and so on and so on

Of course, the degree of each varies anywhere from a ‘minority of men’ to ‘most men’ - but the reason why I mention them all without distinction is because many of these are complaints most women have had

And tbh I was expecting someone I could connect with, banter with, have a push-pull with, etc. I primarily date women now despite being bi, and tbh that’s largely cause men have driven me away from wanting to date them

ThatBitchA · 2026-07-12T04:14:51+00:00

They don't pay attention to things I've said that are important to me, they don't ask about me or my hobbies/interests/passions, etc, they don't seem to have ambitions or wants outside of sex, etc.

They = the men I've met who I've been disappointed by.

going__nowhere · 2026-07-12T22:10:26+00:00

I found many partners disappointing for not being at the same level of maturity, and emotional inteligence, what ends up making the partnership impossible

One of them was a man of 30yo that has diabetes, but was a bit overweight, didn't care about his diet, ate trash food often , didn't exercise, didn't take his medication.. I had to push him to exercise (that's when I knew it wasn't going to work)

Other one was stuck in a low paying job with no hollydays pay for YEARS working hours opposed to me, so I couldn't see him. He could have got a better job, but didn't bother about seeing me I gues. Was all shocked when I broke up even after he got a good job at the council M to F.

Many men think women will put up with their bs cause at some point, we stop complaining. But that just means we just reached our beaking point and decided this relationship is not worth fighting for anymore

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-07-12T04:56:45+00:00

Dissapointment oftentime stems from unmet expectations.

Lysa_Bell · 2026-07-12T04:59:20+00:00

When my standards were already low and the men I got with still managed to drop below that, thats what disappointing. These guys didn't care about me as a person, bad hygiene, no ambition for anything, didn't care about my sexual needs, pushed boundaries, were talking shit about others with their friends, had no interest in the world, didn't care about anything that wasn't immediate gratification to them, antisocial behaviours, etc.

It got much better for me after I raised my standards much higher.

Cute_Contribution480 · 2026-07-12T05:00:13+00:00

GuysI like getting riled up over me liking them, not giving me grace when I don’t always say the right thing (I’m autistic, so not always good at reading signals) , getting breadcrumbed, being put on the backburner, them choosing someone else, you name it.

Tylikcat · 2026-07-13T22:30:45+00:00

So, I don't usually say that I find men disappointing. I find online dating to be hellish and low ROI, but I have a lot of good men in my life. But when I think about common featurs of what disappointed me about guys in the past, there are a few themes.

1) Lack of follow through. I'm kind of putting two things together, because I mean both that guys didn't follow through on these they said, and that they were often surprised and/or upset that I did. So many guys talk big, and have a ton of ideas... but then expect that you will both mostly hang out and watch television together.

And look, I get that part of figuring out what you're going to do involves talking about a bunch of possibilities, and that you're not going to do all of them - at least not at once. I'm talking about folks who largely don't do any of them. And were appalled that having agreed that we were going to so some interesting (and maybe or maybe not ambitious thing) I got on with it. Whereas I was appalled that we'd talked this through and made a plan, and then they started doing things that worked against the plan. (Like them wanting to eat more vegetarian food, and then buying veal a few days later, true facts.)

But also, there was a lot of complaining about my schedule, and I made it very clear to folks at the outset what my priorities were, and that yes, I would be training and taking classes (or whatever). If they had been saying "I'd really like it if you did less martial arts, and maybe we could take a class on sea kayaking together," hey, I'd consider it. But it always seemed to come to I should do less of whatever, and stay home with them more.

2) Wanting to reduce me into a supporting actor in their lives. They were happy with me being smart and accomplished, if it was something they could show off, but not if they felt threatened by it. (Whether or not they were threatened by something would change depending on how they felt.) They loved having me play arm candy.* They loved it when I cooked. But they expected to be the main character, and our lives as a couple were supposed to revolve around their work and their plans, not equally around my work and my plans. And when I did too well at things, rather than this inspiring them to work harder, they tried to tear me down. And they would randomly expect that they could just assert things about what we were going to do rather than talking about it with me.

3) How many guys not only crossed physical lines, but did not back off when I'd say things like "Don't grab my ass," or whatever. And I mostly got this when dating quiet geek boys, not, say, the pretty boy musicians.

*Which I generally saw as fairly amusing as long as it was something I needed to do frequently. I've also played body guard for a girlfriend - wore a plain black suit I could move in, stood slightly behind and to her side, and was stern and silent. (Keeping my mouth shut is a strain!)

AutoModerator · 2026-07-12T03:42:50+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

PurplePillDebate-ModTeam · 2026-07-12T03:45:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ResponsibilityAny217 · 2026-07-13T05:09:38+00:00

what were you expecting in the first place? Because disappointment, after all, is the falling short of expectations. Are you comparing men to disney princes, men from books, celebrities, or something else? What were you hoping men would have that they don’t?

Personally I realize I was expecting masculine mothers that were very friendly.

I didn't get that so it was disappointing.

I was hoping for nurturing men who were very good companions.

Like my types are effeminate twink like men and even so they are still very masculine and less nurturing.

And when I say nurturing I don't mean in comparison to other men bc in comparison to other men they were /could be nurturing. I meant nurturing on their own like the primary adverb I could use to describe them would be nurturing. I wanted them to nurture me to the same level as the average mom.

Maybe I got the expectation from all other forms of love ? Like I find all the other forms of love to be nurturing but not romantic love. I find romantic love to be be the least fulfilling and I think it's bc it's the least nurturing. I expected something that was so fiery to be more fulfilling. I expected something that ppl say is so big important and should have a large place in my life to be more fulfilling than it is. Especially bc I am expected to nurture within romantic relationships but I can't expect to be nurtured back. They say romantic relationships should be like the center piece of my life but why would something so unfulfillng be the center of my life.

Which leads me to

Disappointed that they have more boundaries or demands now and don’t want to be providers as much as before?

I was actually disappointed more with traditional men and their expectations than modern men. Traditional men expected me to cook, clean, be submissive, be skinny, then the marriage vows which I find crazy be with someone through sickness, poverty, hardships until on of us die is also a disappointing expectation.

Now modern men seem like they have less boundaries and demands which is great to me.

As for being providers not so disappointing to me bc my family has been poor for generations. The men and women lived and died in poverty. Often in my family husbands and wives both worked, though the men were the main breadwinner he wasn't providing much money. As they were still heavy impoverished. If I look around my family historically the majority of men were/are poor, relying on impoverished men to 'provide' for me didn't really make sense. (If u look into it historically that what the majority of ppl were doing relying on a peasant to ' provide ' for them)

Just_Fisherman4910 · 2026-07-14T19:25:57+00:00

They lie to themselves and they lie to women. They are, as a result unable to perceive reality.

Title	What do you mean exactly when you say that men are “disappointing”?
Author	Newduuud
Upvotes	2
Comments	54
Date	July 12, 2026 3:42 AM UTC (1 week ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1uu4cwx/what_do_you_mean_exactly_when_you_say_that_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-you-mean-exactly-when-you-say-that-men-are.1584826 https://theredarchive.com/post/1584826

Comments