What is the difference between a ‘soft harem’ and cheating?

Pola_Lita · 2022-01-22T08:35:40+00:00

If ‘soft harem’ also includes cheating, why is it used as a way to show a man is high value?

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It makes even less sense to think that one term should be used for cheating and non-cheating versions as if it didn't make a lot of difference.

Besides, "harem" invokes ideas of a commanding or at least dominant sort of man. One who sneaks around among a group of woman seems more of a coward or weasel-type person.

Is "soft harem" the same as RP "plates"?

meddit-throwaway · 2022-01-22T13:24:33+00:00

Usually in the early stages of a relationship, there's a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of phase where you haven't yet discussed exclusivity, even if there's the intention to go in that direction. This is an opportunity for men to have sex with other women, while not cheating. Casual setups also allow for men to sleep around and so you end up with the so called "soft harem" where multiple women are having sex with the same man. The same can happen in reverse (and does all the time) where a woman has sex with multiple men without any commitment.

So it's not necessary to fake exclusivity or cheat at all to have a soft harem, but of course there will be some who cheat their way into one.

Vtridolla · 2022-01-22T09:19:27+00:00

Basically cheating is when you step outside of the parameters agreed upon in your relationship. So if your partner and you agreed on monogamy there is no such thing as a “soft harem” also if you need to lie to get pussy you’re a coward with no backbone.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-01-22T09:39:37+00:00

Sounds like a made-up term for being a slimebag honestly. If you aren’t supporting multiple women under one roof who all know about each other, you don’t have a harem. You’re not an ancient king you’re just a liar.lol

KirthWGersen · 2022-01-22T07:08:27+00:00

Some men have sex with multiple partners by cheating. Either they enjoy the thrill or think it is the only way to do it. It is culturally expected in many places.

It comes from a scarcity mentality: they are worried that if they are open and honest, they won't be able to have sex.

It seems like a shitty way to behave to me.

I, and many other men, have multiple partners but never cheat. All you have to do is not lie about it. I find women usually respect and appreciate that.

oflbtbs · 2022-01-22T07:03:50+00:00

I haven't heard that before, but I would imagine it means a situation where a male conducts himself in an intentionally misleading manner which causes the females to be under the impression that exclusivity exists even though there has been no explicit discussion.

t-D7 · 2022-01-22T11:04:23+00:00

soft harems happen before relationships and cheating happens in relationships.

StacksFifthAve · 2022-01-22T17:32:31+00:00

The nature of how women select for men at times ensures that she’s going to be a member of a ‘soft harem’.

JacobMoogberg69 · 2022-01-22T09:31:44+00:00

Having a harem nessecitates that a man is honest about not being exclusive with any single woman. When I used to have two or three girlfriends at a time, I didn't make them all aware of each other or rubbed their noses in the fact that I may have spent the previous night at someone else's place, but there was no expectation of exclusivity. That part I had made clear from the very start before the relationship turned sexual.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2022-01-22T09:59:23+00:00

My experience with this was to be a part of a narcissist's harem.

I think the two concepts can overlap. But a narc harem may not be about sleeping with all of the women. The primary point of this kind of harem is attention, or "supply."

In my experience, there was a lot of "don't ask, don't tell." He definitely did not say that he was having sex with a couple of the other women, but we certainly weren't in a relationship that I had any expectation of exclusivity. However I was aware that he had a lot of women friends.

E-2-butene · 2022-01-22T16:17:38+00:00

Expectations of exclusivity.

The expectation in the modern dating world is “not exclusive until proven otherwise.” Given this rule, dating multiple men is incredibly common in women. “Soft harems” are just when men play the same game.

Men’s harems just get a little more out of hand, because women want a much smaller portion of the male population, so the guys who are capable of harems get some pretty sizable rotations going.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-01-22T11:02:07+00:00

The men don't pretend anything.

The women are attracted to the preselection and think they will win the guy over.

It's the beauty and the beast archetype, the 50-shades of grey story, the woman's ego causes her to think she's the one.

You also see it in hard core female erotica, the man is beastly and has many sex-slaves, but deep down the protagonist writes that he really loves her, even though he denies it.

Most of these women have a saint/brute complex - these women are attracted to men who debase them, and consider men who treat them respectfully as weak men.

UrFoodMolestedMyNose · 2022-01-22T07:20:37+00:00

I think of it as a guy who has many women in FWB situations with him. These women are mostly voluntary loyal to him because they are hoping to turn it into a relationship.

These women might go on dates with guys in an attempt to establish a line up of back up plans. but best believe Mr. Harem is first choice and if he even gives a hint of wanting to be serious with her she’ll flake on every other guy.

social_mule · 2022-01-22T13:18:16+00:00

This is only my personal opinion but I'd say it's only cheating if you've made a commitment of exclusivity with one of the women. I'm talking fiance or wife. If the words forsaking all others hasn't passed through your lips or if you haven't made concrete plans for those words to pass through your lips you're free to have sex with as many different people as you wish whether those people know about each other or not.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2022-01-22T07:28:57+00:00

A soft harem gives a man value because the women involved decide so. They prefer to keep the man even if it's shared. For that, the man has to give them some benefits that outweigh the handicap.

decoy88 · 2022-01-22T07:11:41+00:00

Soft harems are for the men who arouse women and can leverage the power they have to get women to agree to casual arrangements.

At least, that's the idealised version of it. Only the top 5% can do this though, really.

Many others do it by exploiting the ambiguity of modern dating. when things get serious with any given girl, you ghost

razormachine · 2022-01-22T11:37:02+00:00

Good one OP.

Man's ability to attract multiple women is certainly a quality which is at least partially due to genetics. Now the thing I find funny is flaunting it as some kind of universally HVM.

If I want to have children then guy which can't hold on to rules of monogamy agreement is a LVM. Maybe he does have good genetics but I'd want my children to have some quality upbringing with two parents and ideally I'd want to be wealthy enough to kickstart them in life by giving them debt free education or deposit for their first home.

If I was looking for an employee then guy which can't hold on to an agreement is a big red flag, a LVM.

Same goes for women.

Yo_Mamas_azz · 2022-01-22T11:53:28+00:00

Because if you can get multiple women to fuck you at the same time, even with lying, youre still relatively high value. Especially if the women are attractive. A very large portion of men struggle to even get one girl. Now of course because able to have a soft harem while being truthful would be a much greater feat, but most men couldnt even do it with lying.

Also to the "you have to lie to get sex" argument. No, it just makes it easier.

AutoModerator · 2022-01-22T06:58:21+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

nicethingyoucanthave · 2022-01-22T11:18:43+00:00

It has been explained to me

Please link me to where it was explained to you. I’d like to see the full explanation in context

1962_beta-simp · 2022-01-22T11:23:57+00:00

RP traches to be upfront about it. You'd be surprised how often such agreements are.

2022-01-22T12:26:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Lonely_23_1997 · 2022-01-22T13:50:12+00:00

In a soft harem none of the women are his girlfriend or wife. With cheating he’s married to or exclusively dating one woman so he’s breaking a commitment he made.

-passepar2t- · 2022-01-22T14:21:20+00:00

I thought it was a term referring to how multiple women will resort to "sharing" a hot guy. In most cases, I'd have thought that the hot guy is not telling them whom else he's seeing but has not agreed to be an exclusive boyfriend.

Ohmaygahh · 2022-01-22T14:53:47+00:00

One is upfront and honest, the other is a break in integrity.

a14deadpool · 2022-01-22T14:56:48+00:00

I never knew that term even existed. But cheating is when you’re in a committed relationship. Soft harem is when you remain uncommitted. Kind of like friends with benefits. But with multiple women.

ex_red_black_piller · 2022-01-22T15:00:44+00:00

> So does this include men who pretended exclusivity was there and it wasn’t?

Either there was no discussion around exclusivity or he's casually fucking a bunch of women.

caption291 · 2022-01-22T15:34:02+00:00

It's very rare that the guy is actually tricking the women, The women pretty much always know what is going on but choose to do it anyways because they hope to get the guy to commit to her and only her.

For the girls, it's all about plausible deniability.The girl knows what the guy is doing(they generally make it so obvious even third party observers are aware of it) but if she fails at getting the guy to commit to her, she wants to be able to pivot and claim that she was being a good little monogamous girl with self-respect and all that shit but was tricked by the eeeevil man.

to be clear I do think the guy is an asshole, but I think saying he's "tricking" the women is giving him way too much credit...he's just playing along with women's delusions.

If ‘soft harem’ also includes cheating, why is it used as a way to show a man is high value?

Because the guy has managed to attract enough women to do that. That's why he's high value to women. High value doesn't mean good partner or a moral person, it just means that he can get what he wants from women.

wtknight · 2022-01-22T15:35:46+00:00

A soft harem is when is having sex with multiple women and the woman doesn't care (or perhaps actually enjoys being part of it, but I don't see this one happening much). She may be aware of the multiple women and not care, or she may not be aware of it, but not care because she is not expecting exclusivity from the man and therefore does not try to enforce it within their FWB arrangement.

I suppose she could consider it cheating, but if she doesn't break off the FWB arrangement, then she doesn't care enough about the cheating to do much about it, so she might as well not care about the cheating.

AtaCome7821 · 2022-01-22T15:38:46+00:00

What world do you live in where average guys get multiple women? Isn't a "soft harem" a reference to how exceptionally good looking men have 20 gfs in a year, while having casual sex in between?

lissssa-13 · 2022-01-22T17:15:32+00:00

I think the only people calling a guy sneaking around and lying to sleep with multiple women “high value” is the red pill circle jerk. Men that are high value by a metric that women would use aren’t doing this

kyjolski · 2022-01-22T17:28:23+00:00

Dunno, I try not to ponder things so far removed from my reality that they're inconceivable, at least in dating.

It's probably largely semantics.

RealNiceLady · 2022-02-10T21:42:02+00:00

Soft harem is a form of cheating.

If ‘soft harem’ also includes cheating, why is it used as a way to show a man is high value?

Men think getting as many women as they can makes them high value.

Title	What is the difference between a ‘soft harem’ and cheating?
Author	decoy88
Upvotes	4
Comments	114
Date	January 22, 2022 6:58 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/s9wknu/what_is_the_difference_between_a_soft_harem_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-the-difference-between-a-soft-harem-and.1098248 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098248

Comments