How to avoid men who orbit?

hangingbanana · 2017-05-13T22:32:29+00:00

Wrong additude. You shouldn't be pursuing a relationship...you should be enticing a man to pursue you. Workout, dress and act more feminine

waterlily724 · 2017-05-13T22:07:21+00:00

I wouldn't take the Snapchat thing to mean they're orbiting bc ppl view them just clicking absent mindedly... but I see how everything else would be a concern.

Can you talk a little bit more about the three months prior to asking for commitment? What is it like? What are the dates like? What do you talk about?

TheRedStoic · 2017-05-14T14:09:35+00:00

There's a serious issue here. It's that the constant in this is you, yet you haven't owned that at all.

What you're doing isn't working, we can both agree on that. But in my experience orbiting only happens when being fed. If that's not the case, it's not orbiting, but stalking.

You obviously don't feel like you're being stalked, so you must be feeding these orbiters somehow. Especially if this is an established pattern over a long period of time. My recommendations are as follows.

learn how to vet. If a guy seems weak, don't even date him.
don't blame others for your problems. Problems don't tend to fall into your lap, the majority of them are created.
if you have guys coming back trying to hook up, it's probably because they know you hook up. Stop hooking up.

after reading your responses then checking your history, some more advice

guys don't care about your high power job, they don't care about your shyness, they do choose not to commit though.
guys don't commit because you are full of red flags. Not being able to maintain commitment over such a long time soaks volumes.
the fact that this is supposedly an 8 year problem "presuming you became active at 18", you're now 26, you're running low on time. The investment has dropped so compromise may be necessary.
the fact that you keep finding the same type of guys implies that you're searching in the same places, with the same methods. Go to other places. Use other methods.
maybe they're really not orbiting but just being polite. It seems that you have a very skewed perception of yourself, you come across as refusing to believe you might be the problem somehow. Something about you is setting off the no commitment alarm.

What I personally think is the case, is that you're conflating your own esteem with your own desirability in the relationship market. What you bring to the table most guys won't care about. Bring them what they care about. I mean you flip flop constantly to avoid any responsibility.

Why do I have so many friends and such a fulfilling life then?

And a few responses later

I'm introverted, so that (surrounding yourself with people) doesn't apply to me.

Calling it now. You need to really think on yourself, maybe get some help, monk up for a while.

crownoffeathers · 2017-05-14T01:04:58+00:00

They don't sound like orbiters, they sound like men you slept with after 6-8 weeks without commitment and they're hoping for more casual sex.

The key to getting rid of them is not to sleep with them in the first place.

wonderlandgirl111 · 2017-05-13T23:35:31+00:00

This is foolishness. In the name of support, I would urge you to consider something you are doing to the men in your life--you are trying to punish immorality with morality.

When you have a person, a man, who is acting out of emotional impulses and in complete disregard for reason or evidence, they have demonstrated that they are able to walk into and out of any given situation as the victim and they will never feel bad about it--because they are not able to weigh and consider evidence to the contrary. Therefore, when you try to control their behavior--"avoiding" men--through acts or words on your part, knowing that you have not done everything you can to keep them out of your life (have you?), you are also acting on emotional impulse and without reason. You are the same as them.

I habitually end up

You have a habit that I would like to offer you advice about breaking. If you have a tool, say, a hammer--and every time you use that tool, the handle shifts and you wind up smashing your finger, wouldn't you rather buy a new tool rather than continue using the one you have? If you are having trouble with men on your snapchat, you have a choice--stop using snapchat, adjust your privacy settings, or find a new tool "like" snapchat and don't allow men to know you have it. There is nothing wrong with having a personal space on the internet, but if you are using it to validate yourself, you will continue to have nothing but problems with "beta orbiters" because that is exactly what you are using it for--attention.

If you want to avoid men who are orbiters, don't entertain or date the ones that follow you on snapchat. Find men who are drawn to your inner beauty and personality, and once you find one that you like, reveal your sexuality as well.

hecate9 · 2017-05-14T19:53:12+00:00

If a man really wants you, he wouldn't wait 3 months to express that. He certainly wouldn't wait 6 months and expect you to bring up the topic of commitment, if he had commitment in mind himself. Your time limits are far, far too long IMO. Keep in mind some people get married in a year, and 6 months is half of a year. How many more 6 months do you have in your life? If you live let's say 50 more years, that's 100 more 6 months... how many of those years will be in your youth, health or your prime? If you had $100 and had to give $1 to each person who wasted your time... would you do it? Probably not, except time is worth infinitely more than money, and you don't really have 100 more 6 more months if you disqualify the years not in your youth or prime.

Make the 3 months into 3 dates. I'm not saying you have to be in a committed relationship by 3 dates, but in the first few dates, let the guy know you are looking for a serious relationship and commitment. If he is not on board with that, he is just not that into you and/or he isn't ready to commit to anyone at the moment. Timing is a big deal for men. If they are not at the right timing in their life even a rocket scientist supermodel wouldn't be "good enough" to commit to. So it's not about you, but about them. Their timing.

Find men who want the same thing as you and are at the right timing in their life. Stop wasting your time with orbiters... you say you want tips to avoid them but you spend 6 months in black hole non-relationships before you ask for commitment.

Also... it could be a location issue. If you live in a big city on the coasts it's more difficult to find men who are not orbiters. Men in the south or midwest are more marriage-minded although they can also be more passive aggressive as well.

Best of luck and stop with this 3-6 month mark BS, because that's exactly what it is... BS.

tempintheeastbay · 2017-05-14T02:06:20+00:00

MI'd strongly recommend you jack up FB, Insta and Snapchat privacy settings. If a relationship ends badly, unfriend and block. All major social media platforms have a "follow with permission only" option. Use it. If they request to follow you, say no. Alternatively....who cares if they "like" a photo? Perhaps you can cultivate an attitude that permits this kind of activity to not bother you - after all, you can always just ignore calls and messages. They're just pixels on a screen.

Big picture, I encourage you to consider the advice of other commentors here, even if they're not "highly attractive and in a big city." I'm highly attractive and in a big city (I had 3 exclusive LTR's in LA) and trust me, these ladies have SO MUCH GOOD ADVICE to offer! Men are men anywhere in the world. Whatever advantages you feel you have over them...many have had or are in happy LTR's. Many are joyously married. There's no call to be snobby when clearly they're doing something right!

glitterchild · 2017-05-14T07:08:56+00:00

Hon, a word of advice, when I can tell without a doubt that this post was written by you by reading one sentence and not even seeing who posted it.....that's a good sign that you have got to knock this crap off. I honestly wish you were a troll. If you want to know why you have relationship problems it's because you are deluded and arrogant beyond belief. I've defended you on other posts but you just keep saying the same exact thing. And before you say I just wouldn't understand I'm a fellow Angeleno who is also frequently called very attractive with almost identical measurements to yours, and yes I have dozens of orbiters, and I've managed to get commitment to my hearts content in the city of angels, as have many many many girls I know. Your problem is NOT LA, or men, or how attractive you supposedly are. Your problem is YOU. Which I know you'll deny but frankly if you were doing things right you'd have the results you wanted. You don't do things right so you aren't getting what you want. So either do something about it and get the commitment you want or keep sulking on the internet and stay single. Oh also, I'm pretty sure you don't know what an orbiter is. An orbiter is a guy who wants a relationship that you don't want.....you have the opposite problem.

nonnimoose · 2017-05-14T16:26:58+00:00

Your definition of a male "orbiter" is different from the one I've learned from the RP forums. Here, the term orbiter is used for a guy that hangs around a woman and acts as a good friend, but who actually yearns to have a sexual relationship with her. He acts as an emotional tampon when she complains that other men are treating her wrong. He steps up to do "manly" things (like move furniture, fix stuff) when she doesn't have a guy she's actually fucking available.

You do not have orbiters. You have fuck buddies. You need to reframe your question:

How do I avoid men who turn into orbiters?

You should be asking, "How do I avoid becoming a fuck buddy."

wonderlandgirl111 · 2017-05-14T05:08:52+00:00

Have you tried telling them directly that you want absolutely nothing to do with them? This is what I've had to do and some still don't listen but most do. Delete them off your snapchat and all other social media and block their numbers. If you really don't want any attention from them this should be a breeze.

Waterboo2 · 2017-05-14T13:35:03+00:00

read some of your comments in this thread. Sounds like you're placing too much weight in your looks. You keep saying you're a model and very attractive. "Very attractive" will catch the eye, but it won't make him stay. you are probably missing the warmth and personality to make men feel good in your presence.

If you believe your location to be the problem, then you should move. LA isn't the best area to find nice family oriented men- You honestly should've thought of moving right after you were done pursuing modeling. If you're looking to start a family any time soon, LA isn't the best place.

MsSadieDunham · 2017-05-14T00:33:40+00:00

Why are you going on dates if you're in monk mode?

ravelincolor · 2017-05-14T01:22:09+00:00

Have you slept with these guys before asking for commitment? Usually 3 months mark would be the absolute earliest time I would suggest sleep with someone. I don't want to sound judgey at all, do what you like, but if you have slept with them so soon it would makes sense that they aren't looking to lock it down but still following you around. They just enjoy your company and want to keep things "light" and commitment free.

I can't understand why they would keep pursuing you if you've been strong in your stance to not see them anymore. Maybe you aren't being firm enough? I think most guys will see ignoring as a hard-to-get play. I'd give them a short, sweet and direct explanation without smiles and apologies. Then go to ignoring them.

Lucretia99 · 2017-05-14T16:12:10+00:00

Doesn't sound like you're in monk mode if you're constantly on social media.

Rivkariver · 2017-05-14T18:47:43+00:00

Okay, you just have to stop caring about their feelings. I know that sounds horrible, especially because in my case at least those guys I sort of feel bad for because they are so obsessive, but if engaging them at all in any way is leading them on just stop talking, and walk away if they talk to you. Seriously.

Wissenschaft85 · 2017-05-14T21:35:40+00:00

Men don't need 3 months to decide if they want a serious LTR. 3 dates is enough. 6 Month is more than enough to decide to marry. Men decide fast if a woman allows it. A woman decides how fast a relationship proceeds. This doesn't mean you need to get into a LTR within 3 dates but this does mean you control the pace of the relationships. Be open, honest, and upfront about what your looking for from the first date. Say you want a serious monogamous relationship and get the commitment quickly. Any guy ready for commitment doesn't need long to decide if your right for him.

Stop using social media. One doesn't need it to live and it easily attracts the wrong kind of attention.

Econo_miser · 2017-05-15T16:13:29+00:00

We go on dates for months, it feels like we are getting closer, I ask for a relationship around the 3 month mark (sometimes the 6 month mark, depending), and then they won't commit (which shocks me every time), so I walk away.

That's not really what an "orbiter" is. Orbiters are men you DON'T go on dates with. They are the men you "just want to be friends with".

But you are correct in that your best bet is to ignore them. Sounds like you should probably be a little more clear about personal boundaries as well when you call things off.

VladvonK · 2017-05-13T23:48:34+00:00

I've been the orbiter before but also similar things happen to me.

For example I asked out this girl I knew for a while, she said no and I moved on. But out of the blue she'll start snapping me and commenting on my stories and next thing you know we're texting again and have a dumb snapstreak. I will catch this and stop myself. But it's a similar situation, if you're not interested in me then why do you keep trying to initiate these pointless interactions? Wanting to hangout would be a different situation as I could re-assess her interest, but this constant snapping/texting is pointless.

To answer your question, just ignore them.

Landry86 · 2017-05-14T00:39:33+00:00

I don't even add people to my social media unless they are one of my best friends.

That is weird to hit you up later on....maybe since you made it clear that you wanted a relationship they are ready now? Also a little weird that they would be hanging around for a while without getting physical and also not want a relationship...

I am in monk mode also and having similar problems. I can't seem to STAY in monk mode. I keep getting distracted :-/

MareckBS · 2017-05-14T19:22:23+00:00

You are probably nice to have as a friend, to hang out with, but not nice enough to actually commit to. Whats wrong with just being friends and having fun spending time together? Can't i invite a girl into a restaurant without back thoughts? Just for the joy of it? If it ends with sex, even better, but commiting? No way

hangingbanana · 2017-05-15T21:27:17+00:00

From here (without seeing your facial features) you seem to be a HB7-8 with a very high smv...even for LA. I'm not putting you off...but I have a bunch of work to finish. I'll check in with you later. Right now I'm all about working out, making more cash money and actually getting laid in my LTR. Talk to you soon. 😊

cynicalhousewife · 2017-05-17T01:12:33+00:00

Have you tried being assertive and direct with them? "I'm sorry, but since you have already stated that you don't share the same same goals that I do, I would like for you to completely move on from me. You will not get any sex out of me and I do not consider friendships with the opposite sex to be healthy, so please don't try. I am completely ceasing contact now and I am not going to change my mind. If you continue to try and correspond with me after you have received this message, then I will consider it a form of harassment. Good luck with everything and I wish you all the best." I would say that if that and blocking them doesn't work tell them outright to just fuck off.

kitschisland · 2017-05-18T08:41:14+00:00

Not asking this in an offending way, I might also be on the spectrum - but are you autistic?

If yes, maybe mention that to get better advice...

tempintheeastbay · 2017-05-18T15:45:54+00:00

Podcast rec. honey with Julia meltzer. She interviews couples. There are of course dozens of young people in LTRs or engaged. Literally thousands of couples in LA get married every month.

Field_Of_View · 2017-06-14T04:52:01+00:00

We go on dates for months, it feels like we are getting closer, I ask for a relationship around the 3 month mark (sometimes the 6 month mark, depending), and then they won't commit (which shocks me every time)

So you keep having sex with guys without even declaring a "relationship" of any kind and then you are surprised sex was all they wanted, after months? And this has happened more than once? lol

You're misusing the term "orbiter", an orbiter is a beta who desires you and keeps trying to get close to you despite you not wanting them in any way. Your situation is that you can't stop handing out free sex and men are lining up hoping for free sex. Plus, you desire them more than they you, you're the one who wants a relationship with them.

somebody_iswatching · 2017-06-26T08:05:43+00:00

Become the Earth and let them orbit there's no harm in it and if they want to do it go ahead it's their loss regardless. You do you baby what are you trolling and not have fun. :-D

Title	How to avoid men who orbit?
Author	wonderlandgirl111
Upvotes	15
Comments	325
Date	May 13, 2017 9:18 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6b08qk/how_to_avoid_men_who_orbit/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-avoid-men-who-orbit.87299 https://theredarchive.com/post/87299

Comments