I don't really know where to begin. I work as a firefighter for 2 years, got on at 24, now I'm 26 years old. I've seen a lot of bad things happen. I've seen a lot of people die in just 2 years of my career so far. It's one thing to see it on the movies "woah! Look at his head split open!" Or playing video games "dude did you see that thing explode?!" But once you actually see a dead body, watch someone die in your hands.. it kills a part of you.

You come home after trying to cut a man down from a tree because he hung himself, you do your job, knowing he's already dead, you still try, and your family asks you "how was your day?" You respond "today was great! You know the usual."

When you read about male suicide statistics and how suicide is the top 10 killer of men. It's true. I've seen 2 hangings and 1 gun shot wound to the head, all of them were men just from last year.

I probably have PTSD. I haven't spoken to a therapist and I don't want to. I don't talk about these things. You might ask why don't you talk about it? I don't know.. just.. people don't understand, you know? They might judge me, tell me to man up, or say "other people have it worse." Sometimes my mom would tell me "just let it go." I wish it were that easy. I wish I could make the nightmares go away and the aniexty to disappear. She doesn't understand. A lot of people don't.

When you spend 30 mins performing cpr on someone's father. You're doing everything you can, their family is waiting across the street, you know he's dead already but you keep going.. the call is made. You stop. You tell the wife "I'm sorry for your loss..", you see in her eyes how her world is falling apart. You get in the truck, exhausted, take a deep breath, trying to keep your composure together. You see the mother walking her sons over to the house. Lost their father at 40.

We men don't talk about how things don't bother us but they do. Deep within us, a wound bleeds. We eat, drink, do drugs, jerk off to porn. Act out. Fight. Arguments. Just so we don't have to face the guilt within us. It festers and cuts deeper within our soul until we become a broken shell of a human being. Than... boom.. suicide.

I thought about killing myself a lot the last couple of months. I would stay up all night long, can't sleep, anixety through the roof. Thinking about the people that died, how I'm sorry I couldn't save them, just.. guilty. I was trained to save lives and.. all you can do is do your best.

The Redpill gave me hope that my life will get better. For a long time I thought I was trapped.. that my life would never get better. That I had no control over my life. The nightmares and anxiety would never stop. That I was fucked forever.

Than I realized the only thing I can control is me. I stopped abusing the drugs, stopped drinking to escape, stopped eating junk food, stopped jerking off to porn. I stopped numbing myself. I faced my demons, I faced the truth. The truth is I did everything I could, I did my job, and I should be proud. The next time something bad happens, I wanna be there because I have the experience to help those that need it. I know I'm gonna see worst things further in my career and I wanna be there.

I didn't let the guilt bury me, I didn't let the nightmares haunt me, I didn't let the anixety overwhelm me. I conquered myself. I'm proud of myself.

This is what it means to be a Man. To struggle, to endure, to survive, to fight and win your life!

There's some bad days and there's some good days. Lifting has become my therapy. Nothing is better than to feel the iron around your hands and your muscles swollen after a good workout.

I just wanna say thank you to this community for giving me hope. In a world where men don't have a voice. Thank you for being here. You saved a lot of lives and mine included. I want to contribute to this community and transform my life as an example to all Men, life does get better.