Does continual rejection increase confidence or kill it?

norwegiandoggo · 2022-04-14T15:22:33+00:00

There are two main schools of thought on this.

The first says that yes, rejection reduces confidence. And that's adaptive. It usually means "hey, you failed. So before you try that again, take some time to reflect on what went wrong"

Then there's the other school, that says that it's not the rejection that reduces your confidence, but what you think the rejection says about you. So your thoughts about the rejection lead to lower confidence or not, depending on what story you tell yourself.

I believe the truth is somewhere in the middle. You can reduce the impact on your confidence by having a self-serving interpretation of the rejection.

You also talk about self worth. That's different from confidence. You should never question your self worth for any reason

electrisio · 2022-04-14T15:40:48+00:00

Success with women will create confidence the most, but your ability to endure rejection will decide if you get there. Rejection does get easier 100% and allows you to detach and be more relaxed as the outcome won’t be so important to you. You just have to have the goal of improving someone’s day when you hit on them and also view it as crafting social skill. The girls will hopefully be a bonus. I’m looking at it as a very long term thing. Imagine how you could be in 5 years if you continually practice. You also have to work on your SMV as well as game.

Chicagoj1563 · 2022-04-14T15:52:45+00:00

One of the inner game skills you want to develop is outcome independence. Basically, you don't want to be in your head caught in self judgement after an approach. It's death in game to do that.

With each interaction, when you walk away, try to reframe it as positive. There are no failures, only learning lessons.

Think about it. After the approach you described, you are now 1% better and more experienced with approaching. You also are desensitizing yourself to unresponsive girls. So, your a little better with that too. It will be a little easier next time. Focus on the process, not the outcome. Focus on what you control which is what you do and say, but also how you react to an approach. Its an inner game skill. Work on it.

nevertextgoodnight · 2022-04-14T15:52:22+00:00

Listen to The Psychology of Selling audiobook on YouTube. Goes over rejection pretty well

MachoCyberBullyUSA · 2022-04-14T16:15:02+00:00

You stay dedicated to your process and your path. Letting this one girls rejection put a dent in your self worth is being way too reliant on external validation. This girl could be a racist or have a giant bush under those panties. When did this chick become the end all be all determination of who is worthy? The person who decides that is you. The outcome doesn’t matter, keep approaching. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Nullroute127 · 2022-04-14T15:53:35+00:00

Some of getting good is building emotional scar tissue these blowouts don't bother you so much.

However, some of it is also realizing that you could have done better. Meaning, there's hope because there's still something to learn.

For example. For women at the gym there's quite a bit of stigma around it. On social media there's all sorts of videos on 'gym harassment' so women are hyper sensitive to men at gyms. Also, you being a good looking dude doesn't matter; every dude she's been hit on at the gym is good looking. Doesn't matter that you have your shit together, she doesn't know that. You're just another penis being thrown at her.

Sometimes it's better to play the slow game. Just say 'hello' or 'wave' (if headphones) when you pass by her, without stopping. Over a period of time, she'll probably be the one to initiate the greeting. When that happens you have a spot for an open, "We've waived at each other for bit and we don't know names, what's yours?"

It also sounds like in this specific circumstance, she was in the middle of a workout when you did that approach. A better calibrated one would be when she's going from one station to another but it needs to not look like you were waiting for her or burning a hole in the back of her head.

Sea2Chi · 2022-04-14T17:58:39+00:00

I went from no confidence in high school to way too much confidence in college.

Getting rejected at 17 was fucking brutal. I didn't know how to approach women, I didn't know how to take rejection. I felt like I'd put myself on display to be publicly humiliated, even though it was just the two of us finding out that my feelings weren't reciprocated.

College rolled around and I started hanging out with new people, dressing better, and getting more attention. The more attention thing gave me an ego, which in turn got me more attention.

Pretty soon I would be talking to women like they were guys, except with a few more compliments sprinkled in. I wasn't hitting on them because I didn't need to. If they liked me, you could usually tell from body language so if I wanted to ask someone out, I usually knew beforehand what the answer was most likely going to be. More often though, I'd just increasingly escalate body language and flirting until something happened.

If I did take a swing and ask someone if they wanted to go get dinner and they said no, that was fine because I knew from experience that I was still desirable. Their one rejection didn't matter in the grand scheme of things because while I was egotistical, I knew enough to know that I wasn't going to be everyone's preference. You can be the tastiest strawberry ice cream out there, but some people want mint chocolate chip.

Even if multiple women rejected me, that was still fine, maybe a bit frustrating, but my experience told me that I was still right for a lot of women, just not those ones apparently.

So I guess you could say that continual rejection doesn't kill confidence as long as you have enough of it in the first place.

I've also had friends who would directly hit on dozens of women at a bar after a quick introduction with the theory that "I'm looking to hook up with someone. Most of the women here want more than that, but I'm looking for the woman who also wants to hook up with someone." They would get shot down a lot, like, more in one night than my entire time in high school combined, but usually, they would find someone who was just looking for a guy who could be funny, reasonably attractive and uncomplicated.

NitrogenOO · 2022-04-14T15:13:02+00:00

Its a numbers game bro

incognito3107 · 2022-04-14T16:33:13+00:00

If you make your approaches more casual, then you will not get so immense rejected feelings. You should more catch a situation when it is hot, not hop into deep water without experience. Use your emotions to feel the vibe and try to be chill with your socializing. It is bad idea to give your worth at a stake whether some random girl will get instantly interested in you out of the blue. Relations need proper circumstances and mutual chemistry.

Mustafa_Kamel · 2022-04-14T16:47:38+00:00

I think your mindset right now is only going to be negatively affected by rejections. You are taking this girl's reaction to invalidate yourself, but you shouldn't. Not every girl is receptive to talking in the first place. Maybe she is taken, maybe she is a lesbian. Or maybe she was not interested in anything but working out that day, you can't know. and secondly she is just one girl; this girl's opinion of you doesn't affect you. shake this off and start building a respect for yourself.

Maybe you can stick to easier approaches in the bar for the meantime and learn better when a girl is receptive to talking to guys. The gym is hard for this since most people are looking to work out in solitude. I don't hit on girls there normally, some people succeed here but I don't find it a productive area.

mynamelastname · 2022-04-14T15:16:35+00:00

I think approaching someone at gym no matter how hot you look is not a good idea. So I think you can attribute this rejection coz of the place and not you.

Having said that, frequent rejection will def put a dent in confidence. So it’s always advisable to fall back and analyze what went wrong, learn, adapt and then go again.

Physically attraction will only get attention from the woman, it’s always your personality that’s gonna make you stand apart from the rest of the crowd.

P.S: I’ve been rejected a multiple times and trust me it hurts lol. Be strong buddy

Zealousideal6669 · 2022-04-14T16:57:15+00:00

You kill your confidence if it's based your successful approaches. One simple thing. You're enough in any situation and any time. You're always enough from a fairly cute girl to the hottest supermodels. It's just a mentality if you have your approaches definitely gonna skyrocket

xzpw · 2022-04-14T17:11:19+00:00

I’m not super savvy about turning things around here but I will say - the longer you wait on some women the more hurt when rejection does land. Also, I am a strong believer in not shitting where you eat. I personally wouldn’t approach at the gym unless I know I won’t be there again at the same hours (or have never seen this woman during my hours and she’s just bonkers attractive). Few things suck more than having to look at your rejection every time you go somewhere to do self-improvement.

Anyway - you seem to built up this girl a lot. Sucks. Don’t do that. Get it out of the way sooner or just don’t approach in such situations (place you go frequently and will see her often) unless you’re getting some incredibly clear signals to begin with.

Outside of that… does continual rejection increase or kill confidence… I’d say both. It’s probably two steps forward, one step back. We all go through cycles of feeling like dogshit after getting tossed in the bin a hundred times in a row. Some successes might boost you back up. Personally though - I find it incredibly hard to recover from going out a dozen times and not getting even one positive interaction. (Either due to supply (no pretty women) or demand (they want someone way outside my looks)) In those cases, you can do self-analysis or whatever but often it’s just about looks maxxing and not making any weird nervous-in-the-moment comments. (Or not making jokes that only work with people you know or other men, etc)

For myself - I know what the issue is, so it’s purely a numbers game but I am not enthusiastic about it because the numbers are astronomically high compared to most men on here. Naturally I’m going to experience long periods of feeling down about it because I’m in a rut and the rut is unclear as to how long it’ll be before I see any kind of minor success. (Where minor success is just any kind of attraction felt back, in my book)

docdeadpool7 · 2022-04-14T17:14:36+00:00

My friend. It’s just a girl. Sometimes we take a girl’s rejection as the rejection of all women. Think of her nothing more than another human being. She doesn’t pass judgement of behalf of anyone else. She didn’t continue the interaction for whatever reason. Maybe something is happening in her life. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Keep approaching. Think of Dori from finding Nemo. Just keep swimming. Put yourself in “the land of women”, be sincere in your intention and things will turn out great.

Delicious_Ad_1853 · 2022-04-14T17:15:57+00:00

In any big endeavor, there's usually a point midway where your initial enthusiasm has worn out and you start to doubt whether you'll ever achieve your goal. Seth Godin calls this The Dip. Confidence can get really low in the dip.

When you're in the dip, you have to decide if your original goal is really achievable. In this case, it definitely is. After all, every single one of your forefathers managed to get his dick wet, right? There's no reason to think you won't too.

Since you know your goal is achievable, every bit of experience you gain is bringing you one step closer to it, right? It's just like doing reps in the gym. It's easy to take pride in the process there, right?

Ten years from now, nobody's going to care about how badly you did in the beginning. Just like nobody cares how little you could bench five years ago. Focus on doing the reps and base your pride on the fact that you are someone that tackles challenges head-on. Do that and your mental health will be golden.

Skizznitt · 2022-04-14T17:50:35+00:00

Depends on your mindset.

If you're looking at things like successful people do, "I fail until I succeed," then your confidence isn't affected by rejection, because you know you're one failure closer to the outcome you want. These people don't internalize failure and try to learn from each one to improve the outcome of the next attempt.

If you look at things like someone who's insecure about themselves, or who isn't very successful in their lives, "I hate failing, when am I ever going to succeed," then your confidence is affected, because it's yet another loss in a long list of losses. These people tend to internalize their failures, and in doing so, think it's something wrong with them, and tend not to learn much from any of them because they're too busy blaming/feeling sorry for themselves and creating negative emotions.

The only TRUE failure, is when you don't learn something to improve on next time you try. Everyone fails, how you deal with failure, is everything.

Ineedanswers6789 · 2022-04-14T18:20:07+00:00

Kill it

nbh1995 · 2022-04-14T19:15:20+00:00

In this particular case you mentioned she acted in a repulsive entitled way...the minimum she had to do is say "sorry but im not interested". Also you need to learn that women that get a ton of attention don't want guys simpings for them, you had to accept the fact that she will require some high level game+confidence+looks and that might not be enough...Im assuming you introduced yourself without having any prior conversation with her..in my opinion that is the mistake you made because she was thinking "oh he is hitting on me"...best approach is to make small talk about the gym activity she was doing...example "you were doing this the wrong" in my opinion being slightly dismissive is a good approach since it puts her beneath you. Either way a woman that gets looked at a lot is bound to be very difficult and entitled but again very insecure....

I also think that this rejection hit you hard because it was one of your first genuine attempts. Keep trying brother. When you hit 100 rejections and get no girl then you can complain. No dating apps allowed! Mark every rejection as a win since you are learning and improving your confidence. It gets better. A failed attempt is a lesson.

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-04-14T19:18:13+00:00

You don't ever have to get rejected. You get rejected because you want a specific outcome, so you offer yourself to the woman and then expect that she reciprocates in a certain manner. And when she says "I don't want what you are offering", well then that's rejection. She is rejecting what you offer.

Instead, reframe it to yourself thusly. You see a woman you consider physically attractive, but other than that you know nothing about her. How you can choose to place a lot of value in physical looks or not. Perhaps your ego is telling you you are only worthy is a very good looking woman likes you. But look at it this way. Her being hot is only one piece of the puzzle. The infinitely more important piece of the puzzle is whether she is an interesting person who is fun to hang around with or whether she is an unbearable needy attention seeking bitch, as many women are.

So when you approach you should approach for the purpose of seeing if a woman is interesting, not for the purpose of getting a specific outcome you want. Wanting a specific outcome is attachment and it leads to rejection. If a woman is rude to you, you can say "wow, I don't know who pissed in your cereal this morning, but I assume you it's wasn't me. Wanna try this again?". Their tune usually changes. If it doesn't, walk away. The reality though is you are letting a complete strangers opinion of you be more important than your own opinion of you. A stranger who knows nothing about you, about the type of guy you are, how quality you are and how worthy you are.

Visualize_ · 2022-04-14T19:40:29+00:00

If you only get rejections then yes it will wear your confidence down. It also depends on the severity of rejections that determine what ratio of success to rejections could keep you mentally sane. For example if you are getting rejections were they laugh at your face and make fun of you, like 5 in a row will obviously hurt. In comparison you can get like 50 soft rejections where they say they have a boyfriend or something and you will be fine. It also is dependent on how much self confidence you have and how much you internalized the idea that their response isn't a reflection about you.

HowToStud · 2022-04-15T00:38:19+00:00

Learning from rejection and mistakes and then correcting them brings confidence. You won’t naturally adapt, have someone who know wtf they’re doing help you or figure out what went wring

dheidjdedidbe · 2022-04-15T01:26:08+00:00

Both. Being rejected is normal and it will increase your confidence by you getting used to it.

But…. If you never experience any success, constant rejection will slowly kill your confidence

Aggravating-Mood1215 · 2022-04-15T01:56:15+00:00

I’ve been there, confused as to why a woman didn’t understand how much of a catch I was. It’s just not so black and white. It’s not a math problem. Good job + good hygiene + handsome + whatever else you got going for you just doesn’t = the number a lot of times. Her loss. You know your worth. Keep it pushing and just know that one of these girls is gonna benefit from having you in they life one day. Congrats on shooting your shot tho! That always feels great. And truthfully it wasn’t so bad right? She didn’t verbally put you down or anything. I think continual rejection is part of the game and should never make you feel any differently about yourself.

vardarac · 2022-04-15T09:34:32+00:00

Yes and no.

I've gone through "rejection therapy" in a way once before. In college over a decade ago, I sat for an hour or so in front of ChatRoulette and got "nexted" by over 100 people. It was dumb and I took it way too personally, but this did something very important.

It made me believe that I was worth nothing, which made me free to do anything -- expecting failure, therefore not fearing the consequences of what I do or say.

I quickly found that I was in fact not worth nothing, but was made to realize that my lack of core lack of self-esteem would cause me to fail eventually. Once you realize that you will not always fail, you once again put pressure on yourself to succeed.

So you can "numb" yourself to approach anxiety in this way, but only security brought either of your past successes or internalizing the idea that the outcome, good or bad, does not matter, will bring you the confidence you seek.

Treat every approach and relationship like a learning experience. There are rarely do-overs with the women in your life, so expect and embrace your failures as a path to success.

dooiefries · 2022-04-15T10:10:50+00:00

So far, after being rejected I’ve always felt better because I tried. Overcoming the approach anxiety in the moment made me feel proud.

Mutated_seabass · 2022-04-15T21:13:59+00:00

Some define confidence as willingness to fail. So it really depends how you look at it.

Mutated_seabass · 2022-04-15T22:10:24+00:00

Did you actually “ask her out” (if so, what did you say?) or just talk to her?

Sometimes rejection can be a good thing because you can reflect on what you may have done wrong, and improve/refine it. However, I also do believe sometimes being rejected is just out of your control too.

dobbs1997 · 2022-04-16T00:05:56+00:00

depends on your perspective, one man will allow it to completely destroy him while another man will allow it to empower him and help him in many aspects.

dobbs1997 · 2022-04-16T00:07:12+00:00

also you’re basing your worth off of external things instead of who you are inside as a man, that’s a losing game.

eszibit · 2022-04-14T15:41:04+00:00

The amount of girls who reject you will be an accurate measure of how attractive you are in that society. But it's a shallow 1 min assessment of you as a person, so try not to take it too personally.

The same person that rejects you can be attracted to you in a different context ( few guys available or social proof or position of authority etc ) .

If you get too many rejections either try and become as attractive as you can, physically or get into social circles where you can meet people for more then one minute and let your personality attract.

Just like Tinder, cold approaching doesn't really solve the problem for average guys since you don't get enough time to be funny/flirty/intelligent/charismatic/travelled etc.

L.E:

You should do both things, work on being as healthy as possible and get fun social circles.

In my personal experience, i cold approached 6s-7s and got rejected in my home country and had luck with 8s-9s in a different country, the foreigner effect can work to your advantage.

Billieclide · 2022-04-14T15:24:06+00:00

She was there to work out. Not get hit on

insa_max · 2022-04-15T08:28:14+00:00

It's not rejection that increases confidence, it's your ability to get back up and to eventually succeed that does.

ResponsibilityKey427 · 2022-04-14T21:38:36+00:00

Rejection = you weren’t her type.

Level up somehow.

Also don’t approach at the gym

JohnnyLazer17 · 2022-04-15T02:28:48+00:00

Dude first off, timing is everything. From how it sounds yours couldn’t be much worse. If this girl is an avid gym enthusiast or at the very least someone who goes consistently multiple times a week, then she’s not gunna wanna stop mid set and talk to some random guy who’s clearly been staring at her at the very least all day. Shoulda caught her at the water fountain or something. Secondly, one rejection definitely should not define the way you think of yourself especially when your approach was so poorly executed. For all you know this girl is faithfully married. It ain’t that deep. Pick your nutsack back up off the floor and keep it movin.

lmao_lemo · 2022-04-14T19:11:12+00:00

I don't have anything to say about confidence cause I lack it myself, but I am trying my best to improve it. But I would like to point out one thing in your approach, that is you approached her during her workout and many people prefer not to socialize during their workouts. One thing I look for before approaching is whether she is wearing headphones. If she is then she probably isn't open to socializing, so I would say that nothing is wrong with you she just wasn't in the mood to talk.

Dodechaedron · 2022-04-14T20:19:23+00:00

Approach only if they smile at you

Muramasaika · 2022-04-14T21:49:33+00:00

I don't think talking to a girl while working out is a good idea. She's only there to exercice, she's sweaty and not in the mental state for seduction.

Maybe if you go to the same hours, start by having eye contact. Then say hi one day but say it to everyone in the gym, like be that guy who talks to everyone at the gym.

Then slowly start with cold approaches, like you might hurt yourself doing the exercice like this, show her the movement and leave.

Then when you get familiar enough start talking about anything and everything.

I don't think you should feel bad about yourself but if it doesn't work it just means you didn't chose the right approach, didn't consider the variants or it was simply not meant to be.

Don't overthink it man, I always thought it would be nice if a girl approached me at the gym but when it happened it just pissed me off. I didn't want to talk and I wasn't in the mood for that.

SDdude81 · 2022-04-14T23:51:32+00:00

Continual rejection absolutely destroys confidence.

A win every now and then is absolutely necessary to maintain hope.

RepulsiveCat1681 · 2022-04-15T00:36:27+00:00

yo just an fyi bro, my girl friends hate being approached at the gym. I’m sure there are exceptions, but maybe next time, wait outside casually and spark up convo when she leaves. “hey i saw you in there today, you got some moves! any pointers for a rookie”? idk some dumb/fun shit like that might work

stridge28 · 2022-04-15T01:07:49+00:00

Gyms are an absolute no-go for approaching women. Don't do it. They're there to work out, not get hit on. At least that's what I've heard. Women, feel free to chip in.

Keep up this mentality elsewhere though and it will work out for you.

VDKay · 2022-04-15T07:48:07+00:00

By definition, confidence comes from success.

But you can fake it till you make it.

yourcousinrafa · 2022-06-06T17:14:45+00:00

Wrote a post on the subject that might interest you. cheers

https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/v5zqej/rookies_guide_to_approach_rejection_isnt_what_you/

Golilizzy · 2022-04-14T18:11:18+00:00

Don’t hit on women at the gym dude. That’s like the last place. Go to a bookstore or target if u wanna do that shit. Parks work too. Way better than the gym

Title	Does continual rejection increase confidence or kill it?
Author	GripIsEverything
Upvotes	44
Comments	87
Date	April 14, 2022 3:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/u3jqft/does_continual_rejection_increase_confidence_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/does-continual-rejection-increase-confidence-or.1262098 https://theredarchive.com/post/1262098

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