What's appropriate to vet your partner on?

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-02-28T02:02:42+00:00

You can vet for whatever you want. It’s not the vetting that is the problem. It’s the nasty things people say about the people that don’t fit their personal criteria.

Blame_the_Muse · 2023-02-28T02:14:06+00:00

People should vet for whatever they want. Your life partner is the most important choice you'll ever make.

was the concept of being vetting for your body count ever discussed growing up

Not really. Like attracts like so it's not really an issue that comes very often. Unstable party girls and moralizing conservative men have 0 mutual interest in each other.

Novadina · 2023-02-28T02:51:57+00:00

Nothing. Have whatever preferences you want. Don’t be rude and come up with insulting terms for the people who don’t meet them though.
Really consider what makes someone compatible. I find personality traits more important than looks for compatibility. Looks are about physical desires, not compatibility really. I don’t think there is a standard, everyone is different. I like mellow men, for example, as I’m pretty chill and prefer my life chill. Some people like aggressive active types as that is good for their personality. People are different.
Wanting someone who is a different gender, and having different attributes that humans have for different genders (like height, weight, body shape) is pretty normal for straight people, not sure what you are talking about “you should only get for things you are”. Now personally I want someone with the same values as me, so of course I would pick someone with values that match mine and not expect them to have values I don’t even have myself. If someone cares about compatibility in values they could do this, not everyone cares about that. Expecting a partner to make more money than you seems silly, if money is important you should make it.
I have never heard of “body count” until reading this sub. My father never mentioned it, the closest I can think is he told me one time “sex can bring on strong emotions, so be careful about having sex with someone if you aren’t ready for those yet”, and he told my brother that also. My brother is younger than me and I was with my husband since before he even started dating, and he has never given me dating advice. Both my dad and my brother have expressed they can really only handle sex with someone they love as I guess the emotional response is too strong and they become infatuated with the woman. No other adult men in my life have ever talked to me about what men like in any way. I have never noticed any men vetting for partner count, no one I’ve dated has ever asked, nor has anyone left me when they realized I wasn’t a virgin or something.

EulenWatcher · 2023-02-28T03:24:23+00:00

I’m okay with people having n-count preferences. Don’t be a jerk about it or slutshame people who don’t fit your preferences though.

I do think that if you find having high n-count or engaging in casual sex immoral, you shouldn’t do it yourself as it makes you a hypocrite. The attitude “rules for thee, but not for me” is a bad sign for an LTR.

I grew up in Russia, slutshaming is extremely common there. I don’t think I’ve heard a lot of stories about vetting for n-counts though. People with less strict sexual morals/behavior generally end up with similar partners and vice versa.

MyLastBestChance · 2023-02-28T02:11:24+00:00

Vet for whatever is important to you🤷‍♀️. The only caveats are that the person you’re vetting also has every right to both vet for what’s important to them and to find your vetting process objectionable and choose to walk away. In addition, if someone doesn’t meet your specific criteria, you should be polite and respectful in ending the association without being an asshat as should they with you.

ChadChasingB · 2023-02-28T03:18:33+00:00

I do vet for sexual values. I am a virgin and will only date a virgin that is choosing to wait for religious reasons. It was talked about growing up. People should live how they want, but I am also free to seek a partner that shares my views. I don't look down on others or see them as being worth less, but we're not compatible in any way. You have to vet for things that have meaning to you personally and not what the world says that you should want. It doesn't matter if that's a open relationship with no future plans or a traditional marriage. None of those things ever matter if you don't find someone that wants the same things.

You're even free to want an 18 year old trophy wife at 42 if that's who rocks your boat, but she's also free to have 0 feelings for you and to leave you the moment a better man comes along and it's understandable in that circumstance. The most important part about vetting is realizing what those traits will actually get you in a partner and move forward being aware of all of the consequences.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2023-02-28T05:34:49+00:00

Nobody cares what metrics you personally use to find a partner, just stop with the slut shaming. If a dude only want a virgin bride, that’s his business, more power to him.

KikiYuyu · 2023-02-28T02:34:37+00:00

1

Everyone has their own personal tastes. Body count might relate to compatibility regarding attitudes or feelings about sex. I'd say vetting over that ranks much lower than something like height. Height is not a choice someone made, it doesn't tell you anything about the person themselves.

I'm probably in a minority, but I think vetting for things that don't relate to the health of the relationship are shallow.

2

I'd just prefer people start assessing what matters instead of being so hung up on appearances. Personality, values, goals, living situation, etc., that's what matters.

3

I've never dated lol. When I'm finally ready to put myself out there, I'm not gonna be picky about looks.

4

It was never discussed directly, but you pick up on the fact that people generally look down on promiscuity.

OriginalRushdoggie · 2023-02-28T05:28:27+00:00

Things way more important than body count (and also height, weight, salary):

- a good personality defined as someone you find interesting based on their interests

- shared values and interests

- a non-self centered life outlook: demonstrating empathy, genuine altruism and self control

ashpr0ulx · 2023-02-28T02:06:34+00:00

it’s not. vet for whatever you want.
the most practical thing to vet for is shared values.
i don’t say this so n/a
i didn’t know body count was a thing until stumbling upon this sub

armpitpics · 2023-02-28T02:16:58+00:00

You can vet your partners on everything you want. There's no way for me or for anybody to force you to be with someone you don't want to be with and much less force you to desire someone you don't desire. That said, when you make your requirements public those requirements become not only subjects of criticism but subjects of vetting as well. You can decide you don't want to be with a high n-count woman, but if you often talk about your own high n-count (or desire to have one) there will be women who will see you as a hypocrite and refuse to date you. This is no different than men calling women gold-diggers and height queen for wanting men to live up to standards these women don't live up to themselves. I guess this pretty much covers questions 1 and 2.

For number 3, there's a difference rejecting someone for a characteristic you posses and being open to date people without that characteristic. I'm not going to reject a man because he's my same height, but I'm not going to reject a man either because he's taller than I am.

And yes, I've heard many insults directed at women with perceived high n-counts, and men and women saying these women aren't worth a relationship. Real n-count is irrelevant because nobody knows that.

Ppdebatesomental · 2023-02-28T02:32:04+00:00

Body count? Well I’m no angel, but my husband’s count is way bigger than mine. I would be extremely cautious of someone with a history of cheating or who visited hookers repeatedly. Having had sex with another guy isn’t a dealbreaker. My h and I traveled in the same social circles, we both knew multiple people that the other had dated or hooked up with.

As far as “vetting” for height or looks, well that’s a bit odd. You know right away what they look like. Age you typically find out soon enough as well, although my uncle lied to my aunt about his age and she didn’t find out until they were engaged. I’ve never dated anyone more than 5 years older, three years younger. Just my preference.

As far as money? He made less than half what I did, but we were both tending bar and making the same when we met. Not an issue. As long as a guy isn’t lazy and playing video games all day, his income isn’t an issue.

Did my dad warn me not to be a slut? Is this what you want to know? He did warn me that guys will try to have sex with you even when they had no intention of having a relationship. It was good information, lol. But the kind of guys I’ve dated haven’t ever been too obsessed that I’ve had casual sex, most of them have had plenty of casual sex as well.

saraimarsena · 2023-02-28T02:34:07+00:00

it isn’t. vetting using demeaning language is bad, regardless of the trait.
vet women on how they treat you, how they treat people around them, and how they treated people in the past. most people have a looks/attractiveness threshold, in order to maintain a level of physical attraction.
i’m dating a man who has certain traits i lack. i have certain traits he lacks.
yes it was heavily discussed. growing up, purity was stressed. a woman (and a man) was supposed to save herself for after marriage.

10throwawayantsy · 2023-02-28T04:59:13+00:00

"Looks, age"... why not.. if you get along with her? Just a wild thought

kalashhhhhhhh · 2023-02-28T09:14:12+00:00

1)

What's makes vetting for body count worse than vetting someone on height, looks, salary, etc.

Putting moral qualifications on the person's character because they don't meet your standard. Shitting on someone because they are "a slut" or "ugly" or "broke" is an asshole move anyways.

2) Men can vet women on whatever they want. It's you who'll be in a relationship with this person, not me, I couldn't give less fucks.

3) Physical differences don't count. But yes, I've dated a guy my height. And I only want to date on my educational level. I don't want a partner who would make much more than me. I don't like hypocrites- a guy who ascribes certain moral qualifications to a person based on tbe activity they themselves do.

4) My mom told me "men don't like easy girls" repeatedly growing up. I also grew up in a very practically catholic family, promiscuity wasn't exactly looked at favorably. Also, men care about body count irl much less than I thought growing up.

blueshinx · 2023-02-28T09:36:04+00:00

The last point is interesting. No, the men in my family never brought that up because they don’t care about controlling women.

Of course I knew that society had an issue with “sluts”, but the body count discussion wasn’t very common growing up.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-02-28T10:27:54+00:00

Nothing fundamentally, but it's often done in a different way. Nothing is inherently good or bad to vet based on but it depends on your reasons and how you do it. Men often vet for body count for reasons based in sexism and are very rude about it.
You can vet based on anything you want. Just be aware that others may dislike your choice.
I think you shouldn't say it's bad to have a particular characteristic that you personally have (and accept in yourself), but you can of course prefer to date people who are different to you in some aspects, in fact it's unavoidable.
My family members weren't talking to me about sex past the birds and bees talk, that would be weird. I was aware it was a thing, because men in general are very open about finding "slutty" women disgusting.

That__EST · 2023-02-28T12:29:07+00:00

I wouldn't vet for body count because it's hard to verify. People count different things differently, they lie, or they don't remember.

The thing I vetted for were: how responsible are you with money, what do your actions say about how you value family, how do I get along with your family (especially your mother), and how do you talk about previous ex's. Oh, and how do you get along with my family.

It's non negotiable that you have to be financially responsible and we have to be able to fit in and enjoy the company of each other's family. And yes, I have moved on from men that was very very attracted to initially because the attraction dried up as soon as I realized that it wasn't a match inlaw wise.

When it comes to sexual past and sex numbers, hearing how he talks about his ex's is enough for me. I don't need to hear you extoll all of their wonderful virtues, but I don't want to hear about how awful and no good all of your ex's are either. A simple "it was good while it lasted but it didn't work out but I wish her well" is what I'm looking for.

MistyMaisel · 2023-02-28T03:39:55+00:00

Nothing inherently. It's just often coming from hypocrites (which is to say they expect to run round town, but have a virgin. Or they're virgins and they want experience.) And that's fins, but it's inherently gross to practice hypocrisy and also be verbally insulting others for the thing you are. Unless you'll agree you're self loathing.
Generally, I think the only thing really worth vetting for is shared values. Everything else is sort of inherent prior to dating in some senses. You won't likely go out without some chemistry and attraction. So that's not really vetting. But again, you can't say virginity or purity is a shared value if you've been a dog. Just like you can't say experience is a shared value if you've been chaste. You're lying. You don't share that value. You may value that value, but you don't share it.
We're talking about shared values. And I have dated outside that to some degree, but only because we shared deeper values.
Never discussed. But, sex before marriage was an assumed no. And also, just being honest, in my experience, the men vetting for this are either loser low experiences sort who you'd never date because they're oozing insecurity and self loathing or male town bicycles that are also insecure and self loathing. Either way, I'd pass.

mike-sonko · 2023-02-28T04:14:21+00:00

Nothing. Ever heard the saying "hit dogs holler"? People will balk at preferences that others have which cast them in a negative light.
Nothing. Make your own set. If you want fit, feminine, friendly and cooperative - do it. If you want chubby, masculine, combative - do it. However make sure that you position yourself in such a way to be able to attract what you are looking for.
No. I'm a guy who is > 6ft and an athletic 200 lbs so I don't vet for women who match my metrics. I vet for women who are less than 6ft tall and into fitness like me (and other qualities)
Vetting for low N count was instilled in us in my culture

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Embarrassed_Cup2524 · 2023-02-28T02:16:21+00:00

every single thing.

everything. trust this.

Strict-Mistake-3114 · 2023-02-28T12:58:01+00:00

Really doesn't matter because most of the time, if they have a questionable past, they are just going to lie about it anyway.

Thatshygurl · 2023-02-28T13:57:38+00:00

1.) I actually think vetting someone for height is worse than body count. Someone’s body count is at least going to tell you a bit more about the kind of person someone is.

2.) I say vet women however you want, it’s your life and if something is a dealbreaker for you, you should stick by your standards and cut them off.

3.) I’m looking for a man who would have traits I don’t necessarily have. That way when we come together we each can bring some different things to the table.

4.) I remember my Dad telling me that when he met my mom she had only had a few partners and that men tend to want a woman who hasn’t been with a ton of guys.

My own question: how high of a body count is too much? Like what’s your max that you would accept and why?

Kobe_curry24 · 2023-02-28T14:26:23+00:00

https://twitter.com/taylorburrowes?s=21&t=hmrjSIs0trtJsiFQyZR46w this great person to follow to answer all of those questions professionally and actually gives amazing advice on full vetting for men and women

Weird_Slice4439 · 2023-02-28T14:55:04+00:00

Vet whatever you want, but you don't have to be shitty about it. Fat women KNOW they're fat, and it significantly shrinks their mating market. You don't need to point it out. Say you feel nothing for them and move on with your life. A big problem with people today is that that care what other people think.

Safinated · 2023-02-28T15:28:08+00:00

Do you like being around them, trust their character and like who they are?

It’s sad that this isn’t much of a consideration for men, leading to complaining and surprise later on

At least women who date assholes usually know and sometimes like that they are shitty — they’re just delusional about being able to fix them or be the exception

Sophiatab · 2023-02-28T15:58:30+00:00

In my opinion just about everything is open for vetting when choosing a partner. It's a serious decision. It's not uncommon for Orthodox Jews to ask hundreds of questions on the first date. It really is an interview process, not a social activity.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2023-03-01T00:27:39+00:00

Is this a question about vetting or body counts, I'm confused

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2023-03-01T03:26:22+00:00

Vet for whatever you want, just don't be a dickhead about it. It's not complicated.

Yozora1337 · 2023-03-01T07:58:32+00:00

You can have whatever standards but there will always be people complaining about it.
No hymen no diamond.

lallelelu · 2023-03-01T08:16:42+00:00

If he is a misogynistic internet troll on a Reddit forum

WowYouMustBeJoking · 2023-02-28T09:21:46+00:00

What's makes vetting for body count worse than vetting someone on height, looks, salary, etc.

The fact that women don't vet for it and project that on men. They think attraction is symmetric and want to be vetted for the same things they vet for. Past doesn't matter, career and education matters.

It's not worse. Most men and quite a few of women do see why some men would vet for it.

Title	What's appropriate to vet your partner on?
Author	keenenandraz
Upvotes	7
Comments	103
Date	February 28, 2023 1:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/11dtp1h/whats_appropriate_to_vet_your_partner_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/whats-appropriate-to-vet-your-partner-on.1154100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154100

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