Men should NEVER show emotional vulnerability around ANY woman.

wazzup987 · 2015-09-27T23:02:59+00:00

You make it sound like a man should always sleep with one eye open.

Or be just like Kurt Russell's character in The Thing, when they thought he was a Thing and had him cornered with a bundle of dynamite and a blow torch: "Anyone messes with me and the whole camp goes!" He couldn't let down his guard for a second.

It might be kind of stressful to have to go through an entire relationship like that.

wuboo · 2015-09-27T21:50:59+00:00

I've only ever seen my stepdad cry twice. The first was when his mother died. The second was during a visit home for the holidays when I was still in grad school. I came out to my parents one night, a few days before I was going to leave for school again, and it was disastrous. My mother had a completely breakdown - screaming and crying about her shame. After my mom was put to bed, my stepdad and I had a long talk where I filled him in on parts of my left I had kept a secret from my parents from since I was a kid. He listened the while I talked and asked questions here and there. When I was done, he gave me a hug and cried on my shoulder. I completely understood why. He saw me as his daughter, and in a single night I had toppled whatever future he saw in me. My stepdad and I became closer after that night and I saw him as a stronger person for it.

xRoseable · 2015-09-28T08:30:45+00:00

Maybe I am an anomaly. I hope not. Personally, if I am dating a man and he never shows any sort of emotional vulnerability... I'd leave him. And I have left men like that in the past. I am looking for a partnership. Where emotions, worries, etc. are all open conversation.

Basically, I think the idea of "men can't show feelings" is wrong and outdated. Everyone has feelings, it's a part of us. If you hide it, that keeps me from being able to help you work through whatever the problem may be - whether that means just being a shoulder to cry on, or anything else they need.

TheOuterRing · 2015-09-29T05:09:55+00:00

I disagree.

With the right dynamic, a woman will respect you and value your vulnerability.

If she doesn't, then she is a full blown idiot that hasn't realized that all people are people.

The key is to let these moments out while within frame. As in, be constantly aware of when you need to reel in and say you are done and will discuss it later. It tells the woman she just received a moment she should cherish, not take for granted.

inkoDe · 2015-09-28T00:02:08+00:00

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with both men and women is more or less esstial to proper mature socialization. Don't let a couple sour experiences stunt you for years. Like anything else there is a right and wrong way about going about it. If nothing else being able to do this and, this is important, expect nothing in return is a sign that you are open, and able to take that punch if it happens. That is you are strong enough to handle any criticism that may come of it. Just don't come off as manipulative or needy.

Amethhyst · Mon Sep 28 10:01:43 2015 UTC

I would never enter a relationship with someone who remained 'detached and calculating'. Otherwise, what's the point in even being in the relationship in the first place? My SO shares his thoughts and feelings on various matters, and it's only ever made us more intimate. I'd say most women don't want a robot.

[deleted] · 2015-09-27T20:48:55+00:00

I think you can if its once in a blue moon. Not even my aunt or mom want to hear me talking about how sad I feel cuz (insert any excuse here). i almost ruined an amazing date by saying my windshield wiper was pissing me off and I had to order a new one to fix it. You can't say anything to women that makes you look weak or they won't want to be near you. This is one of trp theories that ring true.

GridReXX · 2015-09-27T21:20:01+00:00

This is probably true.

If men only need us for our tits and ass (evolutionarily speaking), women only need men for security reasons. A man who is sad isn't secure and I guess feels to us not fit for a relationship.

I wish it were simple and we only needed you for your penis, but the way evolution is set up, penises are a dime a dozen.

That said when your dog dies you can appear distraught because if not weirdo sociopath amiright? Same for friends or family members.

Same for job loss, etc...

Unfortunately you can't stay visibly upset for an extended period of time.

Because then she won't want to fuck you, she will want to mother you. And most women don't feel lust for people they have to mother.

And if you're still upset after a long time, she won't feel motherly. She'll feel annoyed.

Downward spiral.

OfSpock · 2015-09-27T21:21:23+00:00

This probably works for people with a below average personality. Cover it up and people like you more.

Carkudo · 2015-09-28T05:39:16+00:00

Now that's just bullshit. I've been emotionally vulnerable with some of my closer female friends and they treated it just as well as you'd expect a friend to treat it.

I do sort of agree (as in, I don't know, but I feel it's right) that emotional vulnerability in a man is an attraction killer.

HarryLillis · 2015-09-28T17:31:52+00:00

Lack of emotional vulnerability is a weakness. The reason for this is that you will at times be emotionally vulnerable, because you are a human being, but if you have structured your identity around this being unacceptable, then you'll have no outlet or support for it. You'll have surrounded yourself with people who agree with you and then you really can't express yourself.

I mean, it's just poor planning. Eventually all of that self-suppression will lead to a collected store of emotional baggage, and you'll be at a therapist, weeping, wondering why you have no skill for talking about your emotions, even though you ordained it this way for yourself.

Strength lies in having the capacity for emotional vulnerability, and being able to take it when that vulnerability is practiced upon by cruel people. You can have your emotions and you can have cruel people in the world who'll make you cry even more. You'll still wake up the next morning.

joseremarque · 2015-09-28T01:34:32+00:00

As a rule of thumb, women do not want to see weakness in men. But emotional vulnerability is not the same as weakness. Pretending to be fine when your not is weakness. Anger is weakness. Willingness to expose your vulnerability can be a form of strength. A powerful man crying out of strongly felt emotion is attractive. A weak man who cries gets only pity and revulsion.

[deleted] · Sun Sep 27 22:35:58 2015 UTC

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anacrassis · 2015-09-28T00:08:33+00:00

tbh I've never had a woman complain about me showing some emotional sensitivity. I think it would be a very strange relationship in which you never showed any emotional vulnerability. How could you be truly intimate?

taiboworks · 2015-09-27T22:42:07+00:00

there is a vast space between dishonest stoic/robot and needy/codependent over sharer that normal people operate in and many thrive in. this is another example of ~~red pillers~~ some people not being able to grasp nuance, the middle ground.

buartha · 2015-09-27T22:04:26+00:00

This doesn't just go for romantic relationships, even in familial relationships as in mother/son, brother/sister, etc.

I'll leave a more nuanced exploration of the romantic stuff to people more experienced with hetero dynamics (though generally, as with most things, I'd say keep it in moderation, don't be a robot and don't be an extra child,) but I definitely disagree when it comes to platonic relationships.

I tend to find that women are generally far more accepting of male emotion than men are when there are no romantic stakes; in my experience, unless you have a long-term pre-existing friendship with a man he'll usually end up uncomfortable at best or aggressive at worst to unexpected displays of vulnerability, whereas I've had women who were total strangers try to help me out when I was upset in public. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful male friends, but women on average seem to be a bit more patient with that sort of thing in their friends/acquaintances.

wtknight · 2015-09-28T12:29:00+00:00

I think that, as a man, the better you know a woman, the more you are able to show emotional vulnerability around her without getting a negative reaction. With that being said I wouldn't date any woman who had an expectation that she could be more emotionally vulnerable around me than I could be around her. As someone who believes in egalitarian relationships this just doesn't sit right with me.

LeaneGenova · 2015-09-27T21:25:43+00:00

I'm sorry you have had bad experiences , but I think you're wrong. i never had a problem with my brother or my father being emotional , if anything it strengthen our relationship. I also know plenty of mothers with really emotional sons who love them just the way they are.

nomdplume · 2015-09-28T01:36:28+00:00

Emotional vulnerability is vital. There is, of course, a balance but seeing my husband cry over significant events makes me absolutely melt.

dakru · 2015-09-27T21:18:04+00:00

I agree with the general principle that men should be careful about being emotionally vulnerable in their romantic relationships with women, but I disagree with how far you take it by saying that they should never show emotional vulnerability. I think your perspective on this is one of those situations where someone takes an important idea but sees it in black-and-white terms instead of in a more nuanced (and more reasonable) way. It's like taking "men tend to care a lot about looks" and deciding that a woman should never be around a man unless her clothes, hair, make-up, etc. are absolutely perfect. It's correctly identifying what they care about, but incorrectly identifying how extremely they need you to follow it to keep attraction.

There's certainly a tendency among women to be turned off by men who are weak, but I think there's a frequency and intensity of emotional vulnerability where you can still be a "strong man who's showing that he's human" or a "strong man with a sensitive side" rather than a "weak man who's showing how weak he is". Where exactly to find this "sweet spot" depends on the woman, but I do think it exists and that you aren't hurting yourself by being there (in fact, I'd say it's better than being 100% closed off!).

To use an extreme example, do you really think that all women want to be in a relationship with a man who's completely unfazed by the death of someone in their family who they were close with? A man's grandparent, parent, niece, or nephew dies and it doesn't bother him any more than not being able to find his keys? Wanting a man to be strong does not mean wanting him to be cold and robotic.

That's just the most extreme example. I think most women have a "limit" that's lower than that, although I also think that most women have a limit that's above "just let it all out and don't worry about being weak".

anacrassis · 2015-09-28T02:44:15+00:00

Okay I had a guy recently tell me (a colleague) that he is depressed (everything is OK so far) and sometimes when he is standing at the subway he has the urge to push people onto the tracks. Hmmmm...

thereddespair · 2015-09-27T23:01:30+00:00

im not a man and this has nothing to do with the topic, but this might be a nice place to dump things. in years of me being here, ive never had any emotion for any woman. theyve come and go and they were just nothing but chunks of meat meant for sex or entertainment for their insanity. there is one though that maybe perhaps i can allow myself to be vulnerable to and... actually care about. but i am now with a man and she is with someone i believe. i dont like that idea that the thought of her makes me pause.. stuck maybe. i would never consider life with a woman, i would take it as a big joke. maybe only with her would i consider it. im certain she doesnt feel the same and most likely its just physical with her, maybe i could be wrong. i am to see again, but i have changed now. ive become more cold and cruel.. more contemptuous. i try but maybe im just meant for this path, it just fits without even working for it. i dont even have to hide emotions as im losing them as time goes by. and this is the last time ill talk about me lololol

[deleted] · 2015-09-28T03:08:41+00:00

I wouldn't say "never" but I wouldn't pour my heart out.

betterdeadthanbeta · 2015-09-28T06:10:16+00:00

Sad but true. Just like women are attracted to strong, firm, masculine bodies, they're attracted to strong, firm, masculine personalities. It's just the nature of the game. The last thing a woman ever wants to see in a man is weakness.

Any guy struggling with emotional vulnerability, I recommend researching and learning about psychology, specifically CBT. There are many techniques you can learn to manage your emotions and make them work for you. Emoting might feel good in the moment, but it's not the only way.

[deleted] · 2015-09-28T14:20:59+00:00

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Jokoran · 2015-09-29T01:07:55+00:00

Seems like you just need to relax. Not giving a fuck is a great way to maintain emotional stability.

lono12 · 2015-09-29T18:00:04+00:00

If you really had that experience then I won't dismiss it.

However, speaking for myself personally, I do like it when my husband opens up about his insecurities. It makes me feel less terrible about my own because I know I am not the only one out of the two of us who has them. It also proves to me that he values me enough to be concerned about losing me.

suppsocal · 2015-11-25T02:28:09+00:00

I think there is difference between vulnerability and weakness/unable of controlling one's emotions.

Calling/texting 25 times a day and asking "are you ok? are you cheating on me? please don't leave!!! I'll cry in my basement!!" is very different from being open and honest about how you are feeling about sometimes. Incidentally, the same standards are true for women. In the first scenario, any sane, well-adjusted man would want to get away from a woman who displays such behavior. In the second scenario, any sane, well-adjusted man would be happy that his SO is being to honest and open with him.

nomdplume · 2015-09-27T22:06:47+00:00

Depends on a lot of factors and why the woman is with the man in the first place.

What kind of circumstances are you talking about?

Because men are also happier in a relationship when their partner seems secure and happy, rather than her being sad, afraid, anxious etc.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-09-28T09:37:57+00:00

My mother is like this. No vulnerability. Never. None. No crying. No asking for help. Always hard and cold as a glacier. I could not live with someone like that; it would drive me insane.

Title	Men should NEVER show emotional vulnerability around ANY woman.
Author	matriarchyisfake
Upvotes	18
Comments	236
Date	September 27, 2015 8:36 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3mm785/men_should_never_show_emotional_vulnerability/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-should-never-show-emotional-vulnerability.279361 https://theredarchive.com/post/279361

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