I’m turning 26 today as a virgin. So what?

Forgetaboutthelonely · 2021-04-19T11:28:02+00:00

Even though your issues may not be as grave as others.

they, like you. still matter.

I was in a similar situation until like early 2020. And it was then that I truly understood just how deeply I had internalized a number of harmful messages about my sexuality.

And you're right. It's shitty that there's this inherent judgement that if you're a virgin past a certain age it must mean you're a bad person. And yet people will lambaste guys for trying to be "good" and "nice" to find a partner. As if they give any other avenue that isn't loaded with metaphorical landmines.

I do honestly think there needs to be a compendium or forum where men can go for decent dating advice that doesn't skew towards TRP. while also not just telling guys to "just treat women like people" as if we don't already do that. And if anybody wants to attempt doing so you'd have my support and potentially that of LWMA.

I don't want this to turn into another one of those "everybody tries to give advice but it's all kinda shitty" threads. Gods know I've made my fair share.

But if you could pinpoint what seems to be the roadblock in your way. What would it be?

MAMBAMENTALITY8-24 · 2021-04-19T11:26:44+00:00

You do you man. Definitely isnt as big of a deal as it was a few years back when i had friends being teased for being virgins. Think i saw a stat on twitter, cant rember what exactly what it was but iirc in just a few years since 2008, the % of men that hadnt had sex since they turned 18 has increased from 8% to 27%.

Geeksaurus · 2021-04-19T12:29:42+00:00

I am, like you, 26 and virgin. I don't feel shame about it. I found that focusing on my goals and my hobbies helps a lot, since I am working on myself FOR myself. I am also somewhat socially awkward and I never really tried dating, other than half-hartedly using Tinder. That said, the thing that bothers me is the lack of companionship that a romantic relationship can give me. I think that the sexual appeal in a relationship, while certainly important, is only a part of it, and not even that big of a part. When thinking of what a relationship can give you, without thinking of sex, I found out that I am more interested in that. I have sexual urges, but those can more or less sated with masturbation. Everything else needs a partner.

Cold_Conversation_51 · 2021-04-19T14:07:08+00:00

I'm 22 and a virgin, mostly for lack of trying (I'm an introvert so that's my excuse) but also because I don't really fall in love that easily. I sometimes get lonely and/or feel like a loser but I'd rather be single than in an unhappy or abusive relationship. It seems like most relationships are a waste of time and money anyway, so I don't know why I would want to be in one and put pressure on myself to find one.

ThrowAway640KB · 2021-04-19T19:15:19+00:00

Women will judge you for being a virgin because it speaks to pre-selection by other women. This is why the best way to score with any woman is to be seen with women: women see other women’s acceptance of your presence as a sign that you are desirable to other women, and therefore you are seen as a man of some non-trivial value. This becomes more frictionless the more intimate the association becomes, which is why playboys and risky/dangerous/exciting men have almost no difficulty finding bed partners.

By advertising your virginal status, especially after 22-24yo, you signal that no woman has found you worthy enough to engage with sexually, and that other women should probably stay away. Because there is clearly something about you that drives women away (see the irrationally circular logic here?).

With that said, good for you for rejecting those “standards” that have been imposed onto you. Unfortunately, there are few who are willing to look past those standards, and a non-trivial proportion will be those who have exhausted their own options and are just looking to settle with whomever is willing to accept them. Don’t settle. Not only are you are worth far more than that, but are you really going to be satisfied being someone else’s barrel-bottom n^th choice?

Rockbottom503 · 2021-04-19T12:26:08+00:00

Congratulations on your birthday and actually having some morals! Make no mistake about it - being a virgin is your choice; if you really wanted to lose your virginity, you could visit a prostitute or lower your standards as far as necessary to get some etc but you haven't and that is to your credit, not your detriment! Women really have no hold over you when you discount their holding all the cards over sex so I emplore you to stick to your guns on this - concentrate on you all the way..... And do it for you! I've little doubt girls will start showing an interest as you get more successful - they always do.

Poly_and_RA · 2021-04-19T14:29:33+00:00

I think the monogamous world can be incredibly hostile to men who aren't very handsome or very assertice and socially dominant, and that's a huge pity.

The way I see it, that world has essentially two markets for sex.

First there's romantic relationships. The vast majority of both women and men want those; but given monogamy that's a incredibly high bar. It's not enough that she likes you. It's not enough that she might enjoy sharing a romance and a bed with you. No, instead for a mono romantic relaitonship to be on the table she must believe that you're both capable and willing of fulfilling ALL her romantic, sexual and relationship-related wants better than any other candidate.

That's in principle gender-neutral, but trouble is age-patterns in dating mean that young men struggle a lot more than young women. (I'm going to ignore the existence of LGB people here, there's not enough of them to change the math)

Imagine some town has 1000 women and 1000 men in the 18-25 age-bracket.
700 of the women are dating 700 of the men.
An additional 200 of the women are dating someone older than 25, but only 50 of the men are doing that.
Result: there's 100 single women and 250 single men left -- which of course means it's much harder for the single men than for the single women to find someone for a romance.
(Yes this means in the other end of the age-range, among people who are 70-90 there's many more single women than single men, but that doesn't help young lonely men much!)

The other market is the casual sex or "hookup" market. For whatever reason be it slut-shaming and stupid gender-roles or biological reasons, there's however 3-5 times as many men as women active in that market, which means the women have essentially infinite access and only men who are in the top of the attractiveness-scale has any access at all.

Me and one of my girlfriends tested it out some months ago; created identical profiles on Tinder in a city we were visiting (differing only in name and photo and gender), swiped "accept" on the first 100 profiles we saw, and waited as day to see what matches that resulted in. Result: She got about 30 matches, I got 1 (and looking at that profile it looks likely to be a sex-worker) -- and these are fairly TYPICAL results.

These problems aren't ZERO among nonmonogamous people either; it's lots easier here too for women to find especially sex-partners. (for romantic partners the difference is a lot smaller) But the bar is lower. You don't have to qualify for EVERYTHING, or else you're automatically qualified for nothing.

You can -actually- have a girlfriend who do NOT think you've got compatible enough goals for life that cohabitating is sensible; but who nevertheless is extatic to spend 25 weekends and a vacation per year with you because you have a lot of shared interests and work well together in bed. Or any of a hundred other constellations that are a hell of a lot more than "nothing", without being "everything".

2021-04-19T15:46:34+00:00

You probably have avoided more drama than you think.

TC18271851 · 2021-04-19T12:40:53+00:00

25 Virgin. For me it is important to only loose this to the Woman I love, ideally after marriage. I do not believe in loose sex so I am not phased by still being a virgin. What affects me though is that I have not ever been in a romantic relationship.

And yes. Happy Birthday!

matrix2002 · 2021-04-19T14:16:30+00:00

All though I am not a virgin, I can 100% sympathize with the pressure men get to constantly be having sex.

Even if you are this stud who has had sex with 100 women, if you haven't had sex in the last few months (or longer), all of the sudden you are a loser.

I finally was able to stop worrying so much about this during the pandemic. For the first time, there was literally zero justification for society to put that pressure on a single man to constantly be having sex.

I wish more virgins and even men who don't date very much would realize that:

1) Having lots of casual sex doesn't make you happy. See hedonic treadmill.

2) Even if you have sex and the social pressure to have sex wears off in the meantime, it will come back very quickly if you let it.

3) Having casual sex leads to a lot of stress that people don't realize. You have to worry about std's, pregnancies, relationships, and drama. I don't care how suave of a person you are, if you date around and sleep with more than one person at a time, there will be drama and hurt feelings. There is no way around it.

I wish someone had told me this when I was a teenager. I was under the impression that it was possible and even desirable to date (and have sex) with a lot of people.

Now, I was never a rock star, but I dated around enough to realize very quickly that even if you are very clear early on about your intentions to remain single, the people you date will not accept it. And then the drama comes. And sometimes it's the other way around, you initially wanted to be single, then you fall in love with a girl who only wants to date casually.

It can be a big mess of drama and hurt feelings all the way around. And the people you hurt will never forget it. It takes a toll on you to consistently.

Before the pandemic, I was coming to this realization and was a lot more careful about who I date and I how treated them.

I just wish I had a serious girlfriend when the pandemic started, it's not been a fun year.

Xemnas81 · 2021-04-19T12:28:36+00:00

Happy birthday, friend!

windows_n_cheese · 2021-04-19T14:24:57+00:00

Yeah, I'm a virgin. I am 15 though, going on 16 so that's fairly normal. However i havent kissed anyone or gotten into a serious relationship yet. That being said, I dont get any grief about it.

Deadly_Duplicator · 2021-04-19T18:39:44+00:00

Going to go against the grain here a bit. You should care what people think of you to some degree, it will affect their behaviour towards you. Being a virgin is a big red flag, especially as you get older, and especially to the women you want to court. Biological incentives mean women will instinctively think less of you for being a virgin. I can go into this if you want, but I believe the best attitude to have is something along the lines of it being important to have a relationship, and that you'll work hard on yourself to make it happen. you're doing this for yourself, because you are a good a person but also a person who realizes the reality of human relationships.

kerepof199 · 2021-04-20T04:15:34+00:00

As you become older, you gain more perspective and your attention and focus turns more inward than outwards.

When you are young you worry about what other people think.
Then you become older and think you shouldn't care about people think.
Then you become even older and realize.. they weren't thinking about you in the first place..

What I'm trying to say is that you have to stop lying to yourself.
Whether in 20 years you wake up and you have slept with 100s of women or 0, it won't make the slightest difference in anyone else's life but yours.
So you have to figure out, what is that you want , what is that you are comfortable with and being honest with yourself is easier said than done. Once you figure that out, everything else follows.

Because brother, let me tell you, you can nearly do anything in this life and even if you don't reach a particular goal, you can get pretty damn close to it.

Sure you may have constraints but you will always have a choice

Lots of love my man.

a-man-from-earth · 2021-04-19T12:18:44+00:00

Happy Birthday!

Plutonium_Nitrate_94 · 2021-04-19T12:35:55+00:00

This x100

Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n · 2021-04-19T14:44:54+00:00

Bravo, mate! If you keep that attitude up you will excel in so many areas of life others fail at. What holds most people back is fear of failure and self deprecation - fuck them both off. You are perfectly fine as you are!

slong35 · 2021-04-19T16:44:33+00:00

I’m turning 27 in June and I’m still a virgin. I really want to be with someone and show them how much love and care I can give but nobody I’ve been interested in has reciprocated. I guess that makes me an incel, which I obviously don’t want to be. It’s hard not to care about it but the loneliness is simply excruciating. Not trying to score pity points but that’s just my situation.

purebredginger_ · 2021-04-19T16:50:55+00:00

Yeah. I know people will come at you for this and just say you're an incel mra but that's kinda part of the problem.

Male gender roles are still so rampant in our society that deciding not to have sex is enough for people to disregard your opinion entirely, because that's not what "real men" do.

I feel like I've been pressured into being sexual so much in my life, just because it's what men are "supposed" to do. Fuck that. I'm not gonna put myself in a vulnerable position like that unless I'm sure it's with a guy or girl that I feel really comfortable with, and that I won't regret.

DrH_0506 · 2021-04-19T17:21:13+00:00

I turned 24 last month and I'm still a virgin. And gay.

I can't truly relate to what it's like with women if you're straight but I got a lot of raised eyebrows from other gay men and women that I haven't been with anybody. They just can't wrap their head around the fact that in this day and age, as a gay man, I'm still a virgin. They don't seem to understand that I dislike this 'hook-up culture' and am quite against casual sex.

I could have had plenty of opportunities but I refuse to sleep with someone just for the sake of it. My stance on that is that if you don't trust that person with your phone or whatever, why would you trust them with your body (which we all have but one)?

It used to bother me when I was just turning 20 or so, especially since I am yet to have my first true kiss with a man, but I realised that I don't care about what other's think. It's nobody's business aside from mine and my future partner's. My body, my choice, you know.

On another note, happy birthday!!

Emily2047 · 2021-04-19T18:22:13+00:00

Also, responding to the usual retorts of "you must have a bad personality": So what if I have a bad personality? In normal times, it would be reasonable to expect people to self-improve and get better at interacting with women. However, they're forgetting that for the past year, there have been restrictions on social events, which makes it difficult to work on your personality and improve your interpersonal skills with women. It seems like the people who are most in favor of imposing restrictions on social events are also the most willing to criticize others for not meeting their standards of social competence.

Blauwpetje · 2021-04-19T18:24:36+00:00

If you don't mind yourself, alright. I was a virgin (at least didn't have intercourse) until I was 24 and very glad it came to an end, if only because of the idea. But I was also grateful for a friend saying: Blauwpetje, I don't blame you for feeling awful about it, but it doesn't mean you're worth anything less.'

Infinitedismissal · 2021-04-19T19:42:56+00:00

I'm 24 virgin with many rejections but this thread has been wholesome and encouraging.

Happy birthday OP

sanfish7620 · 2021-04-19T14:03:33+00:00

Yeah I'm 20 and still a virgin. Never dated, missed my chances in HS for prom/homecoming etc.

At first I asked people out in person, I lost count at about 15 for the rejections. After being gaslit online telling me it was my personality, I genuinely thought there was something wrong with it.

I tried Tinder and got like 8 matches total, none of which went anywhere. Only one person actually replied and then they ghosted me after I asked for their snap.

I started frequenting incel forums, was informed about what I had already suspected, the blackpill. I sank into a pit of despair and eventually I sort of accepted that I was very low value and the chances of me getting into a meaningful relationship were slim. Then they got banned, and I came here because I truly believed men in a lot of ways have the short end of the stick, but I am a leftist so I didn't want to end up in a right-leaning sub.

I think once you hit college women's standards become pretty insane. In HS people tend to date in their own cliques so it is a lot easier to get into a relationship. But in college that all melts away and a lot of women start to realize how desperate men are so their standards skyrocket. Or maybe I'm just coping.

sweetbunnyblood · 2021-04-19T12:37:20+00:00

Happy birthday fam

key_ · 2021-04-19T17:15:02+00:00

Mid-20s here as well. You could ask me any "have you done x?" question and I'd very likely say no.

It doesn't really bother me though. I'm very lucky to have a main group of friends which is all dudes I went to grade school with, but for whatever reason most of my friends from school were/are mostly women. That said, I honestly would not trade those school friendships for a relationship. Have had plenty of fulfilling nights drinking, playing board games or watching movies, and chatting until 3 AM.

The cringiest moments in my life were at the end of high school when I was practically making last ditch efforts to land some sort of intimacy - nothing crazy, just stupid desperate moments like trying to hold a friend's hand while watching a movie with a group, when I realistically had no idea what I was doing and went for it out of nowhere. That period of time makes me feel incredibly fake in retrospect, but I suppose it also taught me some valuable lessons.

As for now, I am unemployed and living with my parents after recently graduating. So I'm just focusing on that. I really resonate with the comment "You probably have avoided more drama than you think" elsewhere in this thread

Uniquenameofuser1 · 2021-04-20T08:25:14+00:00

That said, I am genuinely curious: is anyone else here a virgin as well, and if so, how old are you?

Not me. But after after an extremely promiscuous period that ended at roughly your current age, I decided that I would be much more selective about the encounters I've followed through with (like unless I think I want to wake up next to someone, I probably don't need to be sleeping with them.)

It's been rather eye-opening to see how dynamics shifted once I decided that I had baselines that needed to be met before I decided to enter relations with a woman (and how much pushback on that decision I've received, very often from women). If anything, it did quite a bit to illustrate to me how little of the attention had anything to do with me or what I wanted, and how often it was just someone else using my "desire" for leverage.

It's been well over a decade at this point, and I don't particularly miss it. I definitely don't miss the drama that went with it. And I've found that having boundaries and standards has actually been a really illuminating experience, if only because it puts many people's entitlement in stark relief...

I set a boundary, and... all too often it leads to an argument or a discussion about how I'm an idiot or a freak for thinking I'm allowed to have them. People that don't respect my boundaries (or my ability to set them for myself) are ultimately telling me that they don't respect me. And they can go bye-bye.

Phantombiceps · 2021-04-19T12:51:31+00:00

This will sound full dad mode but: I am the opposite of a virgin, having had more partners than most men ( not bragging ), but I was a total reject in school, my face is on the ugly side, never had money or a good career. A weirdo as well. If you just want to bed plenty of decent looking women, it is pretty easy if you make it a singular goal for awhile and DGAF about anyones view of you. I recommend that if you even wonder if you would like that, that you do so, just to get it out of your system asap, see the downsides, and have the option of getting over it- or of enjoying it.

If that sounds like a stupid fuckin waste, congrats! You have already arrived where lots men who play the field arrive at, but 10 or 15 years early, so now the world is your oyster.

Everyone is different but I think Epicurus had it right- move next to your bros and your friends, the relatives you like, focus on those relationships and on your hobbies or trades. Let romance, if it comes, be the icing on that cake. Again, no advice is for everyone, if you are a hardcore dramatic woman loving romantic poet, forget Epicurus. Edit: typos

buckeye111 · 2021-04-19T11:33:22+00:00

Run your own race

LolwhatYesme · 2021-04-19T22:18:20+00:00

I am worth something and I don’t need to meet some arbitrary standard of putting my dick in the golden vagina to prove that I’m a worthy person.

That's the most funny (and simultaneously rational and profound) sentence I've read in a while.

I'm 23. I've done anal, given and received oral, but I think I must still be a virgin because I've never put my peepee in a girl's hoo-ha. And even here I'm trying to show off because I've done at least some stuff etc...

but yeah, it just doesn't matter. The essential thing is to focus upon yourself. You will always be your own best friend, so take care of yourself. Do the things you like doing, and do the things you don't like doing but which you have to do out of necessity to improve/maintain your quality of life.

And to be honest, when you really think about it deep down, why should you care so much about what (toxic) people warped by toxic ideologies think about you? If you continue being you, doing what you love and what you hate, and focusing upon yourself etc., their words will become water off a duck's back.

desperatemycolog1st · 2021-04-27T14:34:24+00:00

Maybe you don’t wanna hear this but I would just keep in my mind you are still young. Men tend to grow more desirable as they age AND women start feeling the pressure of their biological clock. Keep your head up for your late twenties and thirties.

genkernels · 2021-04-19T16:40:36+00:00

Among the devoutly religious of the Abrahamic religions, lifetime celibacy is expected for those who do not wish to marry. For Catholics, marriage is illicit for those who do not wish to have children. There is therefore not the same sort of looking-down-upon for the celibate within these subcultures, though that may well be a result of women being potentially more affected. That isn't to say there isn't substantial social pressure to get married (contrary to the precepts of the religions involved), more or less depending on the particular organization, but celibacy is a rule and therefore accepted. Having lived most of my life with some tradition of celibacy, I do not at all understand nonvirginity as a "standard of masculinity".

I say "celibate" because with a "within marriage, married only once" understanding of sex, the idea of celibacy being "involuntary" becomes pretty meaningless. Are you trying to be married and not? I suppose you likely qualify...along with everyone else trying to find a date, as well as the confirmed celibate.

Title	I’m turning 26 today as a virgin. So what?
Author	BloomingBrains
Upvotes	149
Comments	88
Date	April 19, 2021 10:32 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/mtxr8s/im_turning_26_today_as_a_virgin_so_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/im-turning-26-today-as-a-virgin-so-what.1061522 https://theredarchive.com/post/1061522

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