This is why venting is a must! And also, it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship because we can straight up get murdered. Some men can’t take No. Rip to these poor souls.

2oatmeal_cookies · 2021-12-17T02:43:23+00:00

This shit makes me not want to date.

Itsknowntohappen · 2021-12-17T03:07:58+00:00

I had an ex tell me he’d kill me if I ever left him. We weren’t even fighting, it just casually came up getting ready for work when I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup and he was tying his tie.

He ended up cheating with a woman he worked with and I remember thinking, that was my exit. I got lucky, she was his distraction so I could get away.

Longjumping-Size-762 · 2021-12-17T04:49:49+00:00

My best friend ran into this situation. The guy straight up told her “I’ll kill you and your kids.” She was spellbound. I spent nearly a year supporting, listening, and safety planning. I began to have nightmares about him. The DV people told me I was getting secondary trauma. I began to accept the fact that I might be one of those people whose friend gets murdered. Eventually she got out, and we got her armed up. This happens to women. It’s real.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-12-17T03:00:26+00:00

If society took violence against women seriously, sooo many other issues would disappear. This is heartbreaking

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-12-17T03:39:57+00:00

This is another reason why we CANNOT be in a car with a man we don’t know. Do not allow a man to pick you up for a date. This is also why we do NOT let men we don’t know or partners who haven’t earned our trust into our homes or know where we live.

AnniaT · 2021-12-17T07:20:11+00:00

This is horrifying! When are we going to admit loud and clear that the biggest perpetrators of violence and murder against women are men?

Hostileovaries · 2021-12-17T03:45:09+00:00

Why don't women leave abusive relationships? Because the sad reality is that's when she's most likely to be killed and just like in this case, not just immediately afterwards but years afterwards.

75% of domestic violence related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75% increase of violence upon separation for at least two years. Link

Vetting is not just for your mental well being but safety as well.

Efflights6 · 2021-12-17T08:25:43+00:00

I have some exes that I'm still looking over my shoulder. I bet there's a lot of women here that can say the same.

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2021-12-17T07:37:10+00:00

My great great grandmother was murdered by her husband while their 3 young children watched. He stabbed her to death!! She had left him and he was mad about her not taking him back. So enraging, so sad, and just so tragic. My maternal line has felt the ripples of that trauma for generations. I'm finally the one to break the cycle of abuse. All because some fking scrote couldn't take no for an answer.

dee_isabird · 2021-12-17T06:16:27+00:00

Part of me feels like things like “vetting is a must” are another form of victim blaming. Yes, vet and be vigilant. However I’ve read so many stories that show how some abusers are smart enough to not drop the mask for years. Then it’s like boom this man has a secret life/family.

It’s exhausting and just feels like no matter what women do to protect themselves we still get blamed for not doing enough research.

godherselfhasenemies · 2021-12-17T06:13:21+00:00

"that guy played with my kids for gods sake"

So many acquaintances from my marriage let my abusive ex around their children, despite knowing full well he was repeatedly physically abusive. It's chilling. Took away a lot of my faith in humanity tbh.

rustedchains- · 2021-12-17T03:15:44+00:00

Happens too often. Since men won't get any less violent, women need to take extreme measures to make sure they don't end up with a psychopath.

Lonlinessandtitties · 2021-12-17T07:04:57+00:00

I worry that sometimes the attacks against this sub come from posts like this. The title comes off somewhat callous.

While it's the goal here to teach each other why it's important to be careful and vet ruthlessly, we also need to acknowledge that what we're learning from one another here isn't exactly how we were socialized. We were taught to give men a million chances. We were taught that if we are good enough women he will become a good man. And let's not forget all the women who were raised in abusive situations and think that less than what should be the bare minimum is what they know as normal.

Two people died here due to male hubris. I agree this should serve as a warning to us all. I want to be careful and make sure we are respectful and understanding of all of the societal pressures that lead many women to accept abusive behaviors. There's a difference between a "pick me" and an abused woman. I just want to be sure we have massive amounts of sympathy for the latter. Many of us likely fall into that category, turned into a pick me to solve it, got therapy, and here we are. But for our sisters who didn't (or weren't able to) fight their way out of it, we should mourn them, rather than shame or hate them.

fds_throwaway_4_u · 2021-12-17T02:29:43+00:00

Vetting is a must indeed. We cannot afford to let the wrong men into our lives. That’s how you end up as a murder statistic.

xpressurself111 · 2021-12-17T16:00:11+00:00

This happened to my best friends childhood best friend. She began dating another man and her ex shot both of them and then shot himself.

I have no words. Knee jerk says, “No more significant others while I’m with my friends,” but that feels isolating, I feel lost, too.

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-17T10:22:51+00:00

What a monster.

thewetdog_ · 2021-12-17T12:17:34+00:00

How do you vet for murder?

Aside from having kil led someone before or having beat them.

Kil ling or harming animals. Okay. What else?

This one is failure of the system not of the woman.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-17T17:59:12+00:00

I swear, copies of Lundy Bancroft's book should just be straight up given to women.

Hear me out here: in my opinion, stalking and even death can be mostly prevented. How? Because all abuse starts with words alone. It always starts with pushing boundaries; it progresses to physical violence, rape, murder. The sooner a woman stands up, pushes back, exerts her own power, control, and dominance over her own life, her body, her boundaries, that's the moment a scrote backs down and backs off. And it works extremely well the earlier it's done.

The longer it's allowed to go on, the more brazen, the more physical, the more abusive a scrote gets, and if you push abuse to its limits, death is the outcome. Teaching young girls and women to stand up is crucial. Teaching them about how most men operate from dominance, hierarchy, and power is crucial. Teaching them to push back, walk away, and realize there are plenty of men out there, that they never have to settle, is crucial.

leekykeeks · 2021-12-18T03:36:46+00:00

Things men NEVER have to worry about. A breakup could mean a death sentence with the wrong one.

East-Willingness513 · 2021-12-17T23:07:10+00:00

This is why I would never date a man if I was no longer with my husband for whatever reason. I would exclusively date women or be alone. It’s not worth risking my kids in such close proximity to potential pedo’s or sociopaths which many men are.

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