Anyone here want more kids but are afraid of the risks of what the mother might become afterwards?

xjeeperx · 2022-01-30T12:24:57+00:00

Interested to see the responses to this. I’m recently divorced with 1 child, currently going back and forth with the decision to get a vasectomy. I would love to have another child if I found the right person, but I’m not sure there is such a thing, and I never want to end up in another situation where my child is dangled over my head for money ever again.

dranic · 2022-01-30T13:34:07+00:00

I'd like more children, but as an aggregate with second marriage divorce statistics my chances of another protracted custody battle are too high to be worth the risk

FUMoney · 2022-01-30T19:36:20+00:00

So much of modern society is fucking garbage. Man-hating, preening, “selfies” and look-at-me theatrics, identity politics, victimhood Olympics, bullshit “influencers,” and on and on and on. And the one place you never, ever want to be is family court with children. An emotional and financial disaster that unfolds both all-at-once and over many years. Yet a high percentage of you marrieds with kids will be there. Watch the nightmare unfurl.

Only way to win: don’t play. Do not play this shit game, where you are way behind the eight-ball right from the jump. Do not have kids. Just don’t. And you better be 1,000% sure you want that marriage, too. If you have a moment’s hesitation, stay single, stay free. It’s the only winning move.

JD-Anderson · 2022-01-30T14:26:28+00:00

I love children but got snipped right after the divorce and will never have anymore children. I love my kid more than life itself, but I cannot go through what I went through anymore. I just cannot trust another person when they can legally just tell me to go F off at anytime and take away my kid

I’ll never forgive the ex for taking my child away from me for the amount of time she did. Even now that I have her 50/50, I’m still missing 50% of the love of my life’s life and I will never get it back.

monster_dutson · 2022-01-30T15:37:21+00:00

I would like more children. I have one son now. Growing up in a large family (7 kids), I know he may never have the connections siblings can bring. I think this brings me as much pain as the actual divorce.

thefudmaster · 2022-01-30T12:59:03+00:00

Nope. I’ve been snipped and I’m finished having children. The women I’ve dated know that practice will be fun but that no children will result.

JonathanApple · 2022-01-30T16:08:02+00:00

Yes. Love kids. Hate the prospect of another shit show.

214speaking · 2022-01-30T14:22:53+00:00

I’ve been leaning more heavily towards CF lately. If I completed my main financial, career, and life goals, I might be open to having children if I could know with 100% certainty I’d have no issues with the mother. It’s just so risky because even if you don’t get married, if things don’t work out then I’d have to worry about another man trying to raise my kid, child support, custody…

skaelee · 2022-01-30T16:04:37+00:00

I just experienced having my daughter alienated from me during Christmas because the mom was mad that she left me and I moved on to another women at the time it was the worst feeling ever I didn’t even get to see my child till after Christmas it’s a sad situation when the law and even family members back these women up as if it’s okay to do these things to fathers ,I’m good on having another kid the shit they get away with is just too much

relationshiptossoutt · 2022-01-30T17:18:17+00:00

2 kids. Age 9 and 5. I've only been divorced a bit over a week and do not plan on dating for a long time. I'm getting a vesectomy before I start seeing anyone. I love my kids but 2 with a crazy ex is enough.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2022-01-30T21:42:19+00:00

I had my two, considered a third after the divorce. However, the woman I was seeing flaked out majorly in a few short months. That was 2014. I dodged a bullet.

I got the snip in 2017 just before I turned 43. I decided that I want the option to retire someday.

When the youngest leaves the nest and my CS obligations are complete, I will need all the time I have remaining to try and catch up with what I was unable to save. I expect that the total after-tax bill will be around $250k USD.

oohtheyhateme · 2022-01-30T19:32:33+00:00

It's wild how easy women turn on you and then drag the children along with her who absolutely do not share her sentiments.

My ex changed her reasonings multiple times for the custody battle throughout the 2 and 1/2 year divorce and never did they align with reality or the children's desires. It was all based off of her emotions and insecurities for the moment. For example, say I didn't do as she said and disagreed because I'm a capable parent myself...now I'm not accountable. One reason said I was unstable. Reason before that she claimed the children needed consistency and apparently being away from me provided that? We live in the same zip code!! It's disgusting what takes place. The courts are drama fiends that feed off of the energy. Still amazed at the 180 I experienced, but mad at myself because I knew better...all the signs were there.

So honestly, never again. She's got to be an amazingly rare, genuine sweetheart of a woman for me to walk that path again.

bacon-wrapped-steak · 2022-01-30T22:33:42+00:00

Yes, I am interested in having more children. And yes, I am fearful of what the mother might become afterwards. The first one was bad (and still is), so I am being extremely cautious.

Stoic_Dad · 2022-01-31T02:24:33+00:00

Yes, I think many of us have the same feelings and worries.

For me, I am resolved to never get married again. I do however, love my child, and I would really love to have more children. My marriage failed, but I know that I cherish being a dad.

So, I am considering surrogacy. It is an expensive route, but when you factor in the cost of the divorce (the assets split, the lawyer fees, combined probably cost me $250k+ for a marriage that lasted <3 years) and that in most situations at best you get only 50/50 custody (if not less for men), then surrogacy at $100k seems…worth it.

Obviously, I would prefer to have a great and stable two parent household for my children. However, in the current environment, I no longer have confidence that I can find a woman who is truly aligned with my life goals (or whose goals won’t change based on her own insecurities/whims, especially once your hands are tied by the contract that is marriage). So while there are things I am still mulling over before I pursue this, I do think raising another child and being a strong single father figure can work.

Talvath · 2022-01-31T04:06:30+00:00

Absolutely, man. This is a question I ask myself as well. I would love to have another kid. I love my child and would love for them to have a sibling, but as many here have already expressed, you can't rule out that a split won't occur and you're back to a custody battle. And yes, statistically speaking, a second marriage is even more likely than a first to end in divorce. The stress and long-lasting impacts of that make it seem undesirable to pursue another child.

I've been thinking more about adoption, when I have the means to in the future. I also know adoption is not a simple process, but I've thought of it as a way to avoid a custody battle. I've also decided that if I end up with anyone ever again, I'm not getting married.

Eve-3 · 2022-01-30T12:32:00+00:00

Maybe look into adoption?

ZookeepergameFit5787 · 2022-01-30T16:19:48+00:00

After spending time in this sub I have this question too but I'm looking at it from a "afraid of the risk of having a kid with any woman" after what I've been through with them so far. It seems like even when things seem ideal for starting a family that oftentimes people end up in a sticky mess years later.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2022-01-30T21:22:43+00:00

I love children. Risk of having another divorce or unhappy marriage is what prevents me from having more children.

Revolutionary_Bar540 · 2022-01-30T22:58:24+00:00

Yes more so that if she doesn’t want to make it work and allow you to be a parent she can divorce you and f you over in divorce family courts with how corrupt those systems are. Honestly if you want kids I would try adoption as a single dad or do the surrogate route.

JohnnyMnemo · 2022-01-30T23:19:26+00:00

Mine wanted to adopt. I think she needed a hobby, basically.

I was already the sole supporter for the 4 of us, and that was plenty. She was unwilling to contribute, but wanted me to take on more financial responsibility for her project child?

I said no even then, and that was long before we were in real trouble.

pegleg_legal · 2022-01-31T02:01:39+00:00

I want more kids but am having trouble finding an absentee egg-donating mother.

cschoonmaker · 2022-01-31T03:45:54+00:00

I’m 50 with 2 kids, 17 & 21. No fucking way in hell am I going back to diaper changing and being spit up on. Time for dad to have some breathing space while the kids take care of themselves.

Gattsama · 2022-02-02T06:50:20+00:00

Consider becoming an expat. There are not guarantees in life but there are things you can do to increase you odds of success. Have a semi-distant friend that is in Bali and loves it (two kids with local).

Elliejq88 · 2022-02-07T23:03:26+00:00

I think based on the bitterness and mental health of this forum, men here run the risk of finding a woman to have kids with that is the literal opposite of their first wife because they got smarter, and then ruining it with their attitude and resulting behaviors.

Title	Anyone here want more kids but are afraid of the risks of what the mother might become afterwards?
Author	Protomize
Upvotes	32
Comments	60
Date	January 30, 2022 12:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sg802m/anyone_here_want_more_kids_but_are_afraid_of_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/anyone-here-want-more-kids-but-are-afraid-of-the.1098929 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098929

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