What is confidence really? How does it have any real effect in your dating success or failures?

AquaChip · 2022-04-27T17:36:56+00:00

Confidence is being sure of yourself and your abilities.

Im_The_Daiquiri_Man · 2022-04-27T18:32:25+00:00

Competence = Confidence

If you are a spergy weirdo who hates crowds like me, you’re never gonna be some “Club Chad” life of the party type, but you might become good at one on one conversation in a half empty dive bar and make individual people laugh and feel comfortable.

If you go to a cooking class and don’t know a spoon from a fork, you aren’t going to feel confident, but if some girl wants you to mount her flat screen to the wall and you show up with a stud finder and impact driver, you will feel confident.

I can’t tell you the number of women who were indifferent to outright hostile to me until some simple (but expensive) shit went wrong on their car.

Cut to them knowing I’m a car guy and me changing their EGR valve or O2 sensor while explaining what they do.

Almost all of those women invariably changed their attitude towards me and more than a few, I fucked.

TheCupGuySparty · 2022-04-27T17:33:24+00:00

Start developing confidence in areas you have interest in. If you’re into gaming, golfing, cooking, whatever, chances are you can speak to or participate in those actions with some confidence. Use those interests/activities to meet women/men who have the same interests and you’ll be able to confidently strike up a conversation with that person. At that point, you’ve gotten the ball rolling and that simple conversation about a common interest (which you are confident in) can lead to bonding and eventually to a relationship.

hudibrastic · 2022-04-27T19:30:49+00:00

People confuse cause and effect.

You get confidence when you have success, not the other way around.

gladusgates · 2022-04-27T18:17:08+00:00

There's objective confidence and then there's subjective confidence. The kind women care about is subjective confidence. The ugly guy could be the most confident guy in the room, the most talkative, the easiest to get along with etc... and women will not perceive him as confident, but instead, annoying.

Chad however can be relatively reserved, and not very confident at all and the Halo Effect will kick in. To women HE is the most confident guy in the room and totally not annoying at all.

Shredddz · 2022-04-27T19:11:53+00:00

Confidence is misleading. they are looking for leadership, and dominant behavior. confidence is neutral and passive. what they get turned on by is being subtly dominated and made to feel like women, meaning weak, lesser and protected. and it has to be actively targeting them to force that feeling onto them, with you being perceived as manly, dominant and above

they deny it, but do it if you can and it will work out in your favor

athlete2biz · 2022-04-27T17:27:06+00:00

ways to build your confidence: have a solid group of guy friends who support you and have your back, get into the gym and be consistent with it, eat a healthy diet, get your finances together and have a succesful career, cold approach, I guess fashion for some guys but atleast wear clothes that fit you.

does confidence affect your dating life: 100% , its one of the most important things, it will make things easier and make rejection less common and less harsh

Caring_Cactus · 2022-04-27T17:36:39+00:00

They're basically saying don't be anxious or insecure, be someone who knows what he wants and gets it.

Some people want a confident person so they can ride on their coattails, or not be emotionally dumped on.

wtknight · 2022-04-27T17:26:05+00:00

Men need to develop some traits that some woman is going to admire. Confidence is the ability to be able to effectively market those traits. If a man has no traits that he can really market, then any confidence that he tries to display will be a false confidence.

caption291 · 2022-04-27T19:19:20+00:00

When I see a guy who spends 30 minutes on his appearance before going out, or spends ridiculous amounts of time and effort training to become unhealthy, or spends ridiculous amounts of time "grinding" to make money because he "wants" a luxury car(he really wants others to know he has a luxury car, the car itself is irrelevant to him), or is constantly making promises about things that really have a like 30% chance of working as if they were certainties, and so on...I see super insecure dudes.

Women see confident guys.

When women talk about confidence they mean LOOKING confident, not the actual state of being confident.

So there are two options if you want to "improve" your perceived confidence. Either improve your acting skills(rp solution) or try to hit that cognitive dissonance(bp solution).

Actually working on confidence is more likely to turn off a woman than it is to turn her on.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-04-27T19:26:11+00:00

You can fake confidence until it becomes real. It just takes practice

DivineWakaloon · 2022-04-27T18:37:49+00:00

Confidence means nothing.

Be hot and rich. Confidence, in that context means, “I’m a girl and don’t participate in relationships, so don’t be scared to come talk to me, be a manly man and approach, because you’re hot and rich. Also be really cool and seductive.”

That’s all it means. “Do not be confident if you’re short, ugly, and poor. That’s just creepy. Thinking you had a chance with me.”

-25T · 2022-04-27T18:09:53+00:00

"Confidence" is a catch-all word. Context is important but it really boils down to an overall mindset.

Loving yourself.

Which is:
Being okay with making mistakes because you know you will learn from them and apply what you learned going forward. That you work towards resolving your problems,. And when you're unable to, you seek and accept help. When someone has a problem with you, you self-reflect so see if there's some truth there or you ignore it because it doesn't have value to you and you're just different. Understanding that a rejection doesn't mean you haven't proven your worth. Because you already proved to yourself that you are valuable and worth it and other people cannot determine that for you.

You don't develop confidence out of thin air. It is a gradual and difficult thing to do. It's like losing 200lbs. The efforts you must make in a single day are like a single shovel of dirt, but you have to move a pile the size of a house and you can only move one shovelful a day. Most people quit because it's not willpower or motivation. It's hard and boring and requires determination and routine to keep going.

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-04-27T17:20:57+00:00

[permanently deleted]

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-04-27T17:31:52+00:00

Confidence to women is what big boobs is to men.

Self worth and confidence are two different things. Self worth is how you feel about yourself and confidence is you knowing what you are capable of. Both are extremely important.

How you feel about yourself had nothing to do with your history (or lack there of) of success with women. You can feel good about yourself because you are a good person, someone who is interesting, loyal, stands up for himself, shows respect for himself, etc. if you have any qualities that would make you dislike yourself, such as being a pushover, bragging or doing stuff you actually consider creepy, then you need to do anything in your power to resolve these issues. If you don't respect lying when other people do it, but you yourself lie, then you need to fix that.

When it comes to other stuff such as how much money you make, being tall or being buff or whatever, you have to decide how much slack you are willing to give yourself. Are all your friends and family members rich, tall and well built? Probably not! So why are you willing to cut them some slack and accept them but you are not willing to do this for yourself?

As you start liking yourself more and more and respecting yourself more and more and you have nothing to prove to anyone, you will develop a sense of self satisfaction. This self satisfaction will signal to women that you are a quality man worth getting to know.

As for confidence, you have to reframe your last lack of success thusly. You can't read women's thoughts so you have no idea if there have been women who liked you or didn't like you. And since women will very self only make the first move, since you weren't making any moves nothing ever went anywhere. So you have no real evidence that you are undesirable to women. Maybe you are not a rock star who women throw themselves at, but you are also not Quasimodo living in the basement. Perhaps womens reluctance to engage with you is because you had a very low sense of self worth and therefore they assumed you were low quality. In essence, it is your responsibility to fix this.

When you reframe it to yourself this way, you can start experimenting with doing things and talking to women until you see success. And know that what's more embarrassing than making a move and bro no shot down is to have never made a move in the first place.

Emotional_Farts · 2022-04-27T18:02:00+00:00

Confidence in dating means you believe in yourself enough to know you deserve to be there with her. This shows by you enjoying yourself and being present. You don’t arrive with a list of questions or conversation topics. Instead, you just want to know about her. You also share about you. And.It’s.Fun!!!

jawnzoo · 2022-04-27T18:16:06+00:00

i think confidence is just not giving a fuck about others opinions.

/r/howtonotgiveafuck

AbbreviationsHot1200 · 2022-04-27T22:23:04+00:00

A woman can spot a confident man from across the room.

Its how he walks, how he carries himself, how he holds his head, how he holds his gaze.

But you can't just become confident. It has to come from real accomplishment. Thats the trick. It has to be real.

bluestjuice · 2022-04-28T03:45:45+00:00

Confidence is knowing that you bring value. In the context of a relationship, it’s knowing that you are a good partner who builds your partner up, is thoughtful and considerate of their needs, is able to handle conflict constructively and take responsibility when you screw up.

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The_Meep_Lord · 2022-04-27T18:01:42+00:00

Confidence is a result of success.

So you need to get success and then you will have it.

That is about it really.

As for effect, it will make someone sexy more attractive and help someone get over the edge to have success. But it will not make someone unattractive attractive.

CyJackX · 2022-04-27T18:38:36+00:00

Lack of insecurities generally translates to confidence.

But, lacking insecurities is not very human, so for the most part it involves how well one moves past their insecurities.

hhhhhhikkmvjjhj · 2022-04-27T18:41:58+00:00

I would define it as a capacity to not cave to pressure, integrity, being able to assert oneself even though it’s uncomfortable and push through difficulties.

bison5595 · 2022-04-27T18:46:29+00:00

In order to truly get confidence, you must be able to approach and talk to women. Yes, you need to work on your health, fitness, finances, grooming, style etc, but ultimately you need to work your social skills and ability to talk to women.

sarkington · 2022-04-27T18:59:15+00:00

It avoids repelling people the way groveling, pleasing, simping, cringing and insincerity do

heartheartdoki96 · 2022-04-27T19:24:31+00:00

Confidence is being yourself. And I know most guys here will be like "that's a lie" but reality is when most guys are flirting they're putting on an act, and not confidently. Be confidently yourself. Don't pretend.

The less it seems you're trying to impress somebody, the more confident you are

daisydaisydaisy12 · 2022-04-27T19:33:24+00:00

Start by getting good at something.

badsign12 · 2022-04-27T19:36:14+00:00

People often see confidence as believing the odds favor success. I believe the most useful trait is being OK with whatever happens. It's knowing that you'll manage yourself and to the extent that you can, the situation, whether you succeed or fail.

IhaveLostCount · 2022-04-27T19:39:11+00:00

Confidence as people passively refer to is is more complicated than it seems. “Confident that women will like you” is what they’re implying, but “be confident” literally applies to the opposite version of it with “be confident girls WONT like you”. Also I’m very confident I can hop on Doom Eternal and beat the hardest level on Ultra Nightmare difficulty, but if nobody cares about that then me being confident in that makes no difference because in that case my confidence will be seen as unwarranted and arrogant rather than good and attractive since most people still don’t see games as a legitimate activity even just as a hobby. “What is confidence” is what I was addressing, so the rest I’ll leave to others for discussion. The issue of confidence is more complicated than it’s usually given justice for.

Drive-By-Cuckers · 2022-04-27T20:56:08+00:00

I haven’t been very confident at all since my last long term relationship and that’s my biggest hinderance tbh but now I’m in a relationship again and it didn’t really take any confidence to get here so maybe it’s not that important

KoalaAccomplished395 · 2022-04-27T21:10:22+00:00

Confidence comes from a couple of things.

First is putting in effort into basically anything. Any obstacle you overcome or any skill you develop contributes to your confidence. This also applies to your appearance. Knowing you put effort into doing sports, buying nice clothes and taking care of yourself increases confidence regardless of your unchangeable attributes.

Lastly confidence comes from experience. Doing something more often drastically reduces the uncertainty you feel. If you avoid dating then any date you go on where you realize you have nothing to lose increases confidence.

TheRedPillRipper · 2022-04-27T21:35:48+00:00

If you’ve had primarily negative experiences you have no reason to be confident.

This is the pivotal factor. Give yourself more reasons to be confident. For example it may simply be dressing well. Training hard. Or re-building a bike. Positive experiences reinforce confidence. Which like you stated OP;

influences your dating experiences.

Godspeed and good luck!

Secret_agent979 · 2022-04-27T21:36:17+00:00

I’m going to state my opinion in 3 abilities you can become proficient in in a short time and understand confidence. When you recognize that feeling of confidence you’ll be able to adapt it over to your overall attitude. Learn cooking Learn boxing Learn to eat right and exercise

palescope · 2022-04-27T23:54:22+00:00

I don’t know but it seems like there is little or no hope for men with social anxiety and/or low self-esteem.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-04-28T00:04:48+00:00

Belief in yourself
People generally like confident people

2022-04-28T01:49:28+00:00

Confidence is absolutely key to success, not just in dating but career, socially, basically every aspect of life. Having confidence is an attractive quality, people are naturally drawn to confident people. If someone has confidence in themselves we assume that they must know more than us or possess traits we lack even if there’s nothing to suggest it’s true.

QueenWint · 2022-04-28T05:25:35+00:00

Ok, I am very confident. I have no body image issues and never had them, I don't have doubts about my skills, intelligence, or character. That definitely does influence my dating experiences. Why? Because I am comfortable with other people's opinions about me and feelings about me. I specifically say 'comfortable' not 'I don't care' because to say 'I don't care' often implies that someone has a more negative attitude. It doesn't affect how I feel if I get rejected, if a loved one has a bad opinion of me or if someone falls out of love with me. I believe that everyone has the holy right to lose interest, not like someone, have their own opinion and do whatever they want with their time. I'm not very attached to being perfect at all, I can be mean, stupid, and make mistakes and I am also comfortable with that. What does that result in, when it comes to dating? If I like a man, I will ask him out because there is no risk, if he refuses I will still feel good about myself. I never had a nasty break-up or broken heart because I understand that relationships can end and it's like walking with someone in the forest, sometimes their path goes somewhere else. I'm not controlling because I'm not insecure, I accept people as they are because I don't feel like I need to change them to fit me, I don't seek relationships by force because I am fine without one. I'm very honest and straightforward and like to joke and that puts my date at ease because I'm not stressing and bringing a stiff atmosphere to the dating scene. Because I am honest about who I am and my flaws, it's easier to find the right match because people know if they like what I am or not. All that comes from confidence.

Why am I confident? It's coming from priorities and values, in my opinion. First of all, I value charity work and I do it since I was a child, so I know that I am aligned with that value. I also don't care about beauty, looks for me are a trivial subject that exists for fun and I don't think about how I look unless I'm looking in the mirror at the moment. Since I remember, I have had this curious mind and I think all the time about what I want to find out and what I want to experience. I'm more about the external impact on me and input than focusing on how I appear, or how I am if I'm this or that or valuable to society or not. I don't really care. Relationships either flow and you are fascinated by each other as people or they don't and it's ok, that is totally normal and natural.

BigDudBoy · 2022-04-28T08:35:00+00:00

I'd just like to add you have to be confident in the right things. There are plenty of guys who confidently talk about their passion for Magic the Gathering, but that chances of that actually helping them get a girl are basically 0. Confidence in dating is usually shown by not avoiding eye contact, not stuttering, making jokes (no serious self deprecating ones), making decisions without worrying, and never getting defensive (like from shit tests).

ShotgunTRP · 2022-04-28T08:48:27+00:00

All of these comments are bullshit. What can you do to appear confident?

1) eye contact. "How can you tell the difference between an introverted and extroverted mathematician? The extrovert looks at the other person's shoes when talking to them". Don't be like a mathematician. You're better off doing a bit too much eye contact than not enough. 2) rate of speech and inflections. Speak slower than usual, don't rush. Speak with a fairly flat tone "this one time^ at bandcamp^" don't speak like Bandcamp girl with up inflections. Don't be over melodic. Obviously avoid weird quirks like stutters and chokes. Those show anxiousness. 3) body language/posture. Stand up straight, decent posture. Keep hands out of pockets. Don't hold things close to your chest, keep your hands low and slow. Don't foot tap/finger tap.

Basically think of how a high anxiety on 10 cup of coffee person acts and do the opposite. Think of how somebody who is calmingly masculine and successful acts and imitate that.

Is it a key to success? Yes. Women are hyper sensitive to deal breakers and will look for ANYTHING to filter you out.

Title	What is confidence really? How does it have any real effect in your dating success or failures?
Author	Movingforwardtimes
Upvotes	29
Comments	83
Date	April 27, 2022 5:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ud8pvz/what_is_confidence_really_how_does_it_have_any/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-confidence-really-how-does-it-have-any.1113184 https://theredarchive.com/post/1113184

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