Men have the right to have boundaries in a relationship without being labeled as “controlling”

WhereProgressIsMade · 2022-06-22T18:57:18+00:00

It’s just another word like “ abuse “ that has gotten misused so much that if you want to know what’s going on you have do a 30 minute interrogation.

Good boundaries that are enforceable are healthy. An example, I do not accept being disrespected. If you are, I will tell you so. If you continue, I will leave. Without boundaries, you just turn into a doormat.

McFeely_Smackup · 2022-06-22T21:39:33+00:00

I think anyone has the right to leave any relationship at any time they choose, for any reason they choose.

If a person doesn't dress the way you like, you can leave. If you tell the person why you're leaving and THEN they change, that's not controlling...that's two people reaching an agreement about their relationship.

It works both ways. If someone tells you they don't like they way you dress, you can leave the relationship, or you can compromise if the relationship is more important...that's your choice, not something someone is forcing you to do.

People need to get it out of their head that anyone is obligated to be in a relationship with them.

Metraxis · 2022-06-22T23:56:07+00:00

There is a difference.

"I prefer modest women, so I will not date/will break up with a non-modest woman" - Boundary, perfectly fine, good even.

"I prefer modest women, so I will insist my partner change her mode of dress in lieu of breaking up with her." - Controlling behavior.

Boundaries are vital to a healthy relationship. Trying to move people from outside a boundary to inside it is not healthy.

g1455ofwater · 2022-06-22T20:19:37+00:00

The people telling men they aren't allowed to have opinions and preferences are the ones who are controlling.

pacsatonifil · 2022-06-22T21:47:49+00:00

Yeah it goes both ways. I’ve heard women openly speak of superficial traits or fashion choices men make and immediately say it is something that makes them not attracted to them. No one even reacts, because they can have whatever criteria for their partners. So can men. It should just be discussed early in the relationship to avoid conflict later.

Direct_Geologist_536 · 2022-06-22T22:40:35+00:00

I think that if you aren't confortable with your partner's style you just aren't meant for one another.
Men experience here, my ex disliked me wearing clothes that are too casuals like shorts and sleevless t shirt. As it is something I like to wear, it does feel controlling to put boundaries here to be honest.

Now being unconfortable with you partner's clothes preference is fine if both of you agree to some boundaries, if not, then you just aren't meant for one another

Huffers1010 · 2022-06-22T22:51:22+00:00

You can have preferences. I would expect those preferences to influence who you chose to spend time with. Beyond that it's a matter of degree.

Every relationship involves something one person does that irritates the other, from failing to load the dishwasher up. That's inevitable; that's life. Talking about that stuff is normal.

Trying to fundamentally change your romantic partner's approach to life is another matter. I know people who've said - "Oh, he spends all Sunday watching sports." "Did he do that before you met?" "Well, yeah." Ah, you thought you'd fix him, did you? Your mistake.

Obviously, waging a campaign against your partner's sartorial choices is likely to be seen as a significant escalation and not likely to make anyone happy.

The trick is that we're really supposed to figure out that sort of compatibility between people before we damned well move in together. Jeez. That's what dating is for.

steakandcheese1 · 2022-06-23T04:50:02+00:00

If you want a modest girl, find a modest girl. Don't try to change people.

fl00r_gang_yeah · 2022-06-22T21:07:19+00:00

I think that if someone doesn’t want their partner to dress in certain ways or act certain ways they should look for someone who matches their preferences or just talk to them about it if it makes them uncomfortable but they def shouldn’t be forceful about it.

pr1ncessazula · 2022-06-22T23:00:08+00:00

I agree with you(: my husband prefers modesty and little make up, which works for me since I’ve always been like that haha.

I’m gonna raise you one and say that a lot of women seem to sh*t on those who don’t wear make up and prefer to dress modestly because it’s “going backwards”

gimmiepickles2eat · 2022-06-23T01:20:28+00:00

I think it's absolutely okay to have a preference for what you're comfortable with. If a girl likes to dress in short shorts, and that makes you uncomfortable, then you should totally respect your boundary and stop dating her. Telling her what she can and cannot wear is controlling though. How would you feel if you got into a relationship, wore a shirt that you loved, and the girl said that because of her boundaries, you couldn't wear that shirt anymore? It goes both ways. You should just love your partner for who they are and not try to change the way they look or how the present themselves.

industry7 · 2022-06-23T02:36:23+00:00

That's not what having boundaries means

dw87190 · 2022-06-22T19:34:44+00:00

100% agree. Men aren't called controlling necessarily because of controlling behaviour, men are called controlling as a means of shaming them into settling for less

ABBucsfan · 2022-06-22T18:49:42+00:00

I think a lot of the virtues that have been valued for thousands of years, modesty being one of them, are suddenly being discarded for silly reasons. Modesty, humility, gentleness.. these things are somehow seen as weak now. Even self control and patience aren't as valued as much as they used to be. We've got a lot of things backwards.

Smorelars · 2022-06-22T20:23:39+00:00

Ofc its not controlling to have clothing preferences in partners just be clear from the start on. Don’t turn 180 after relationship starts

More or less just date women that don’t dress like that

jcraw5879 · 2022-06-22T18:54:47+00:00

If she wore them before or while dating and then you expect them to change because you are dating now, that's controlling. Find someone that has the same morals as you too date. It's one thing to tell her you prefer her to wear something else, but as soon as you try to make her or start criticizing her about it, that's controlling. You don't get to decide what your partner wears.

2022-06-23T01:44:59+00:00

It’s controlling if we try to influence what they wear & bitch about it.

If we bounce, then it’s not controlling

2022-06-22T20:18:23+00:00

People should be allowed to generally have whatever preferences they want. It’s only controlling when they unfairly coerce or manipulate someone into abiding by those preferences.

Gamerfaith · 2022-06-22T21:19:25+00:00

Boundaries are not what you put on others. A boundary would you choosing not to date that type of woman, as opposed to telling a date to not wear makeup or revealing clothes.

And if you don't wanna date that kind of person, that's your choice. You just cannot tell someone how to dress.

Ferbuggity · 2022-06-22T23:55:03+00:00

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hjc135 · 2022-06-23T01:53:45+00:00

eh, tough one. Telling your parter how to dress short of them going out in something that makes you question if its even legal means at that point you probably shouldnt be dating them. Youve got every right to ask if they wouldnt. but if they want to its kinda their choice how they look, at that point you should probably not be dating anyways if its a dealbreaker for you.

JustJamie- · 2022-06-23T04:27:44+00:00

I think there's a difference between having a preference and choosing a woman who fits that and pressuring a woman who doesn't fit that to change.

Fean2616 · 2022-06-23T12:34:16+00:00

If she dresses like she belongs to the stress leave her there.

MartyMc1888 · 2022-06-22T19:17:02+00:00

Women can dress how they please, tits out, arsecheeks out, but I'm the paedo/weirdo/creep for leering (not even staring outta interest btw, it's more how the fuck did you think that's okay and what the fuck are my daughter's going to want).

I live in Scotland, I've been on plenty nights out in a Kilt, I'd be a millionaire for the amount of times a woman has asked me or directly, without question, lifted the kilt to prove I'm a 'true Scotsman'.

Wearing a very short skirt of cheek showing proportions or a low cut top that draws the eye in to the chest isn't wrong or causing issue.

But if I wore tight joggers that showed my 'bulge' I'd get comments and stares, but that's fine.

Make it make sense.

r2o_abile · 2022-06-23T02:19:43+00:00

Stop caring what other people think.

Do not "tell your partner" what to do.

Let your feelings/thoughts/ideas be known.

Sometimes, you compromise, sometimes you don't.

Also, run from any lady who calls you "controlling". Save yourself.

2022-06-23T01:26:54+00:00

I agree with sentiment, not the examples of it. I dont expect my partner to dress me and i wouldnt do the same. I dont think i would be with someone if i felt the need to "fix" what they are wearing. That feels like it is too controlling to me. But there are other things that i just consider polite practise in a relationship, like saying "im going to the shops/too see someone etc" instead of just walking out of the house, or if your going to be home late, letting me know so I can time dinner accordingly.

avgguy33 · 2022-06-23T16:44:16+00:00

My favorite is when she’s acting inappropriate, ie. out with a male friend, or drinking in a situation that often leads to “Mistakes “ etc. , and the man is labeled “ Controlling “ . Most women would be upset if their man pulled the same crap

wiwaszka · 2022-06-23T21:46:23+00:00

I agree. When I first met and shortly after started dating my now fiancée she had certain "style" that was taking a lot from her natural beauty. But I was ok to look past it and eventually she slowly put it away as she grew more confident in herself and with gentle encouragement she slowly shifted away from it and she's much happier with herself and I appreciate this change too. Thing is she always knew what I do and don't like about her but never had any pressure to change, this is important. As long as you don't force a change its fair to have certain standards

averageedition50 · 2024-04-25T19:31:01+00:00

I'd say if you don't like the way a woman dresses don't get with her. Don't get with someone who dresses a certain way and expect them to change it.

yoitsericc · 2022-06-22T23:35:22+00:00

Women having standards for men is just standards. Men having standards for women is misogyny.

It's just another way we are a feminine primary social order. We consider the women's needs before the men to the point that we don't even acknowledge men's standards without gaslighting them.

HoldorScalp · 2022-06-23T11:47:50+00:00

If it's socially acceptable for a majority of girls to put 6ft+ or don't talk to me in their bio it is totally reasonable to have your own shallow expectations and criteria

Glass-Dimension-8827 · 2022-06-22T18:47:28+00:00

I think that people will feel how they want. However, usually men only usually start caring about their partners wearing their coochie cutters (booty shorts lmao) after they start dating, that’s why it’s called controlling. You met her wearing that, why do you think her wardrobe should change? Why not go for girls who present modestly from the get go? Imagine if you met a girl playing GTA online, you guys get together and suddenly she doesn’t like you playing video games—weird huh?

Charlie_Blue420 · 2024-04-11T09:53:08+00:00

I think honestly the problem comes when you expect someone to change for you. If you have certain preferences you should find someone with that not expecting someone to change to be with you. If you expect that then yes you are controlling and that's a problem you should work out with your therapist.

Nice-Champion7487 · 2024-04-25T15:48:54+00:00

They're allowed to have preferences, yes. But if a man is attracted to a woman who enjoys to dress skimpily, he shouldn't expect her to change if they get into a relationship. He has no right to try to make her change either. (Ofc this goes both ways, don't date someone that you expect to change.) THAT is what's controlling.

IceCorrect · 2022-06-22T22:18:49+00:00

Today if men would say he doesnt like to be a cuck, he will be called controing of women body

Lotus_82 · 2022-06-22T19:35:35+00:00

The second you tell someone else how to dress / act, it’s controlling behavior, period.

If you don’t like women wearing cleavage and short shorts it’s real simple, date a woman who dresses conservatively and has similar values to you, but don’t try to tell others how to live.

gamerlololdude · 2022-06-22T23:41:43+00:00

I would wonder why someone cares about how their partner dresses?

Like what does clothing or makeup have to do with this. Unless you believe in sexist stereotypes. Like that seems to be also the kind of person to claim women cannot be topless like men, which would be denying equal rights.

darkgamera6 · 2022-06-22T20:17:26+00:00

Sorry mate but this is indeed controlling

Azihayya · 2022-06-23T05:27:19+00:00

As long as you add that the appropriate measures to maintain boundaries is to distance yourself from the relationship--yes. That is what boundaries look like and you're right to have them. But if you want a partner that acts and dresses a certain way, and you're just telling her to change how she presents herself without having a plan to exit that relationship--those aren't boundaries; that is controlling.

thinkb4youspeak · 2022-06-23T07:23:33+00:00

Anyone can set boundaries in a relationship and anyone can choose to leave the relationship if it no longer works for them once those boundaries are made known. Why would you pursue a woman who dresses in a way you hate? Seems a little selfish to aquire her affection and then tell her to dress differently if she is going to be with you.

tryingimreallytrying · 2022-06-23T15:04:15+00:00

If they don't like what their gf likes about themselves why are they with them?

You have the right to your opinion but not the result when it is not your choice. As is the same for the reversal.

If something about someone bothers you, you are entitled to remove yourself from the situation so that you aren't feeling bothered anymore.

The controlling aspect comes in when you treat someone different for the things you dislike about them in an order to get them to change/meet your desires.

Having boundaries doesn't mean other people have to confirm, if they don't you uphold your boundaries by removing yourself, not by forcing someone else to change.

If you can't handle that a person isn't who you want them to be then you have some soul searching to do.

Loser-Gang · 2022-06-23T15:05:12+00:00

The only time it would be controlling is if you start to date a woman and you already know that she dresses a certain way but then try to forcibly get her to change her wardrobe. Personally, I think women should dress modestly instead of objectifying themselves, but you nor I don't really have the right to change someone's wardrobe.

Strictly having preferences and refusing to date someone for their wardrobe (or some other thing) is not controlling because you never hopped in a relationship with that person. Women behave as if they're being controlled because "OMG, he doesn't want be because I dress a certain way / wear heavy makeup!" They’re not being controlled at all; they see it as an indirect attempt at controlling, though, I guess, because they won't be able to date certain people who have certain preferences.

trapezemaster · 2022-06-23T15:11:51+00:00

Anyone has the right to wear whatever you want whenever you want. If you like something say something. If you don’t something, say something. Ultimately it’s the choice of the individual to respond to that. Anything else IS control.

lordluke10 · 2022-06-22T20:07:44+00:00

I agree that men are allowed to have boundaries and there are many instances where men are wrongly accused of being controlling.

This isnt one of them. You dont get to dictate what somebody wears. Thats not a “boundary”

Its controlling behaviour. Its insecurity. Its gross.

She can wear whatever the hell she wants.

Fean2616 · 2022-06-23T06:57:29+00:00

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UnablPossih8acc · 2022-06-23T11:34:45+00:00

its called being and acting like a 40yo southern. grow up.

Visual_Vegetable_169 · 2022-06-23T00:30:00+00:00

Its all in how you communicate those things that deems certain men controlling.

Also if she already dressed that way when you two first went on dates & got together, will bring up concerns of a controlling attitude.

Ferbuggity · 2022-06-23T00:33:18+00:00

If they aren’t comfortable with their girlfriend wearing booty shorts
or low cut shirts, that should be fine without everyone labeling them as
toxic.

It's not toxic to express your preferences in words.

It's not toxic to accept that she might disagree with you.

And isn't toxic to walk away if it's a real sticking point with no calm resolution in sight.

I seriously question why a man who has a strong preference for modesty is dating booty shorts girl in the first place.

Responsible_Ad5216 · 2022-06-23T03:53:20+00:00

Mountainking7 · 2022-06-23T10:01:36+00:00

I agree and I'm sure if my woman asks me not to wear something she isn't comfortable with, I will gladly do so. Just as she herself would not wear something I do not approve of.

DeddestNash · 2022-06-23T10:16:08+00:00

It depends how you go about it and how lenient/less controlling you can be around it.

You'd obviously want to make it clear right off the bat that this is how your relationship will go.

Additionally, being consistently reminded that if you make a wrong choice of move that there will be a breakup over clothing to me feels a bit controlling. I wouldn't want my partner to remind me that if I wear this one shirt he will be gone.

Subtle reminders and more gentle approaches would be appreciated especially since the way I see your boundary is that maybe the line can be blurred.

Your partner is not going to know your own level of what immodesty means. She could wear a looser top that shows a shoulder, is this immodest? And if so, how are you going to react upon this. Is it an immediate breakup, an arguement?

If your approach is respectful to your partner and lenient on things that are on this blurred line, I'm sure that's fine. Also if there's been a talk around it where your partner can feel comfortable in knowing what's going on without feeling like they're stepping on thin ice.

As a last note too, I think it would be only fair if your partner can have the same standard for you too, if they so choose.

hyzermofo · 2022-06-23T12:38:00+00:00

As long as you're not attempting to modify behaviour that you tacitly approved previously. As in, if she always wore short skirts, it is controlling to try get her to stop / change. Choose wisely, I guess.

ashen_always · 2022-06-23T14:11:17+00:00

I agree with this. If you have those preferences, don't get with someone who doesn't dress as modestly as you prefer, or wears more makeup then you like, and then make those sorts of suggestions to them

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-06-23T14:21:49+00:00

You should go after a woman that dresses modesty from the beginning, hence it was her style or preference before you. Otherwise it is seen as controlling behavior after a relationship is established with your partner. Not all women care about your preference of modesty.

avgguy33 · 2022-06-23T16:42:19+00:00

Thank you !!!

Rook_Cross · 2022-06-23T22:07:25+00:00

There's a difference between boundaries and preferences. A man not wanting to date a woman who crosses a line, like revealing personal information, who makes demands of him, like money or something, setting emotional boundaries that keep one safe and protect mental well being, that's boundaries. Now a preference for dress. If you try and guilt someone into it then no. If it's their natural dress, or you become more conservative and believe it is then wrong and say you are no longer comfortable with it, then sure, but there's a difference saying you're no longer comfortable and calling them names to get them to change. You also have to not be a hypocrite and have valid reasons for wanting this. So if it is to control them, you don't like them getting attention, then it's not a preference or a boundary, you're just trying to use that as an excuse. But if you actually have a moral conviction about it (and aren't checking out other women and looking at porn) then that's fine. Usually the guy doing your example is controlling and is a hypocrite though. When it's a genuine boundary or preference, say, not dating girls who work at X job that requires flirting, or a revealing outfit, that's fine. The majority of men though want their girlfriend to dress this or that way, then go look at porn, they are hypocrites. I believe men and women should dress modestly and not look at pornography though.

weirdgriefthrowaway · 2023-07-15T14:31:32+00:00

Fine you can have preferences, but that means rather than being uncomfortable with their girlfriend dressing a certain way, they should not have a girlfriend who dresses a certain way, and not try to tell a girlfriend who does dress a certain way that she shouldn't. If you don't like it then you should go find somebody else not try to change her

NCRCA87 · 2023-08-01T16:57:16+00:00

Are you really too Lazy?? Lol

2024-02-07T06:48:11+00:00

Ayo my boss n I were talking about relationships last week n she got pissy when I said my real preferences she ended the discussion “her body her choice”. I said okay then id leave the relationship

Title	Men have the right to have boundaries in a relationship without being labeled as “controlling”
Author	SaturnHearts
Upvotes	501
Comments	152
Date	June 22, 2022 6:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/vic2wk/men_have_the_right_to_have_boundaries_in_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/men-have-the-right-to-have-boundaries-in-a.1120409 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120409

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