Do you guys ever feel guilty for the kid’s sake?

Ok_Being9645 · 2023-06-27T16:18:33+00:00

I actually did it for the kiddo. The "family" environment was so toxic that my heart used to break for my kid, who wanted nothing but everyone to be happy. I am glad I did it, and firmly believe that I should have done it a few years earlier.

AffectionateAd6060 · 2023-06-27T13:51:26+00:00

Of course, divorce is extremely traumatizing on kids.

JungleCatHank · 2023-06-27T13:56:12+00:00

Care for the caregiver. The more healthy you are (physically, emotionally, mentally) the better you'll be able to care for your kid.

Intelligent-Bed-4149 · 2023-06-27T17:37:25+00:00

I refuse to continue to set the example that one a spouse should tolerate and accept abuse from the other.

No-Exit6560 · 2023-06-27T20:59:35+00:00

I feel like staying in my marriage would’ve caused significantly more harm.

She had kids from a previous marriage, one in particular could literally do no wrong. Now that he’s over 18 this kid is messed up for life by being told he’s special, there are no consequences and never having his actual dad around. Of course this causes us to fight like cats and dogs, ‘can he not come home at 3am with his stereo blasting, only to park in the driveway and clearly do A drug deal then rip ass out of the driveway to go complete said deal.’ How DARE you…and on and on it went.

I want my son to be as well adjusted to enter society as possible, so ironically divorce was my only option. Also he wasn’t even 3 when we separated and started the process.

INeverSaidThat89 · 2023-06-27T14:57:10+00:00

The kids want their loved ones to be happy. Kids puck up on the hostility, and it's not healthy for them. The best thing for kids is adults who realize being apart is the best for everyone.

onlyheretolurktoday · 2023-06-27T15:23:03+00:00

I feel for my son so bad. But it got to the point where if she was driving and asked me to drive and I said no then she would use the weapon as a vehicle and would drive 160 km/hr then slam on the brakes and yell at the top of her lungs. She did this over and over until I used the emergency brake.

She would tell my son she would kill herself multiple times and would get to his level and say momma is going to die now Then Swallowed as many Advils as we had in the Bottle or would Run around with knives.

Pretended to Hang herself with a blanket she ripped from my sons hands and made gagging sounds.

Threw anything she could find at me.

And after all this guess who is the crazy one to All her friends and she still got 50/50

My son is having pain away from us both but the pain he suffered when we were together was Much worse.

She cheated a lot so I had no love for her so I do have fault in it as well. I should have left befor my son was born. Pretty much did but then she got pregnant and I tried to stay for the family. Then she cheated again.

Now she tells everyone she can I’m a very bad father and makes up lie after lie after lie to everyone we interact with everywhere we go. Daycare, soccer games. I’m the coach so she Emails the directors and talks to the parents.

We are week on and week off. My son is only 4.5 so he’s really easy to manipulate at this age and she is doing all she can do to that. But I truly am a great father and the bond we have is really strong.

She lied 6 weeks ago after I caught her on camera breaking and entering into my house then admitted it in email. I didn’t charge her as she was dropping off my sons jersey but my home was locked and she could have dropped It in the mailbox.

I confronted her about it then her response was to lie and get an EPo for her and my son against me. I didn’t see him for 3 weeks until Court and the judge threw it out. In that time My son told me mommy keep telling me I don’t miss daddy. I’m truly sad for her.

Every drop off now my son cries so hard to stay with me and when he’s dropped off he runs to me so happy. It drives her crazy how much he loves me

rocketlaunchedducks · 2023-06-27T15:47:12+00:00

It's a struggle every day. My life is much better, but my kids is not. It feels selfish. 99% of the reason I still go to therapy.

jkw118 · 2023-06-27T15:57:38+00:00

So for me,my kids are in a better spot, my ex was and is toxic to me as well as the kids.. alot of bad stuff.. So for me and my kids the divorce is a positive.. And yes no matter what it affects kids.

What alot of people who, decide to stay together for the sake of the kids. It becomes a question of what the problem with the relationship is.. if its fights, even quiet ones..the kids will know.. and their will be high anxiety and stress for everyone. To thenpoint where usually this is wprse then divorce.

Ive seen some who stick together for the sake of the kids, and a few years later realize the cause for questioning everything wasnt worth divorcing. And ive seen others who are like this wpuld have been 1000x better if wed split in the beginning..

grandpaharoldbarnes · 2023-06-27T15:09:11+00:00

I focused on making my life as drama free, quiet, calm and inviting as possible. This was in opposition to life with his mom, stressful, anxiety, full of mom-induced drama and generally uncomfortable. He naturally made his own decision he would rather live with me.

Forward-Transition-5 · 2023-06-27T16:49:08+00:00

It’s weighing the pros and cons. Are you in a better place to be able to effectively parent your child because you have distance from this person? My ex and I do a much better job parenting separately because we can’t communicate when we’ve been around each other for more than a very short amount of time. Our communication has been improved through distancing. It still sucks knowing my kid is in a broken home and dealing with that situation but it’s much better than the alternative. I’ve been divorced for about 8 years and I still beat myself up that I put my kid in this position and I will continue to do so for as long as I live I imagine. But at the end of the day this is unfortunately the best thing I can do with the situation I created.

TheBoyBand · 2023-06-27T17:33:57+00:00

Feeling bad for the kiddos is what kept me stuck in the cycle of toxicity! Once we separated, I grieved, hit the gym, started focusing on myself! Now im in shape, read, reconnect with friends, picked up hobbies my relationship with my kids is 100x better and get taken care of 100x better… the kids saw me rise and now see the origin of toxicity vs “Daddy has issues” they were being fed.

Imsosadsoveryverysad · 2023-06-27T19:27:12+00:00

I locked in on my kids in this process while she went out 4-5 nights a week. We were separated but stayed living together so the kids could end their school year with some consistency. As much hell as it was on me to be there due to her, I have absolutely no regrets on being there for my kids. I took the king sized bed with me when I moved out, and despite having a myriad of options to sleep in at the new place, they choose to be in my bed with me. Is it because dad was the one who was there for them to put them to sleep and wake them up everyday? Is it because they’re struggling in the new environment? Anything could be true. But they’re connected to me way more than they used to be, and are to her right now. It’s not a competition because for their sake I want them to have a healthy relationship with their mom too. But a healthy relationship with mom is still possible, even if the relationship with me was stronger.

A lot of people told me, “they’ll realize who was there for them.” I just didn’t think it would be so soon.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-06-27T20:21:21+00:00

“Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others”

In other words You can’t be a great dad if your a depressed zombie killing himself one can of beer at a time. A healthy, strong and successful man will make an excellent father.

JMC987 · 2023-06-27T20:21:37+00:00

Yea. All the time.

INeverSaidThat89 · 2023-06-27T20:58:11+00:00

My two are 15 and 12. They commented to me that the pressure made them sad. They never heard any laughter and were afraid something would start an argument.

They are happy I've moved out and that I'm laughing and smiling again.

xjeeperx · 2023-06-28T04:16:17+00:00

So it’s kinda like when you’re on a plane and the flight attendant tells you if the masks drop, put yours on first and then assist your child in putting theirs on. Because if you pass out trying to put your kids mask on, you’re both screwed.

You have to take care of yourself and be healthy and in a good frame of mind to best provide for and raise your child.

Something I didn’t get at first, because I put my ex and her kids first for so long completely disregarding my own needs and when I had my kid, it was like an awakening that my child needs the best version of me. Doesn’t need to see me disrespected, doesn’t need to witness the arguments, it was a complete eye opener to the fact that if my needs aren’t met and I’m not ok, then I can’t be the best father for my child.

Runningoutofbacon · 2023-06-28T08:18:42+00:00

I used to, even before we split. I stayed in a bad marriage because I thought it was best for the kids.

We grew further and further apart until one day she did something that crossed the line that felt impossible to come back from. She had no remorse and had checked out of our marriage years prior to this.

We are nearing 4 years split and it's been the best thing for all parties. I am happier, their mom is happier and the kids are thriving. My eldest just graduated with honours. If anything, living a bit less soft of a life has led my kids to become more independent and capable. They are learning to self advocate, be accountable for their own futures and I couldn't be more proud of them. It's a shame I didn't realize they would be okay sooner, my ex was miserable for the last 7 years of our marriage. Happy parents are way more important than living in the same house. Parents who do not live together are super common these days, but kids always assume their experience is the norm. Do not feel guilty for one more second, be happy and kick ass as a dad. The kids are gonna be alright.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2023-06-28T16:06:46+00:00

My kid is better this way. Just don’t forget to keep custody man.

Distinct_Praline_442 · 2023-06-30T13:22:07+00:00

I feel bad because my daughter won’t have a two parent household like I did. She’s 3. Now that I had to express this, I realize I am sad because I have to bury certain ideas I had for her childhood.

But she deserves to see me happy.

Title	Do you guys ever feel guilty for the kid’s sake?
Author	BussinFatLoads
Upvotes	27
Comments	43
Date	June 27, 2023 1:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14kdvja/do_you_guys_ever_feel_guilty_for_the_kids_sake/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/do-you-guys-ever-feel-guilty-for-the-kids-sake.1223530 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223530

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