Anyone else have trouble trusting in relationships now?

Eskimosam · 2012-05-21T15:23:06+00:00

Ideally, we want people to break off one relationship before starting the next so that no one gets "cheated on". However, it takes a very gutsy person to actually leave a sure thing for a possible dry spell. Thus, most people take the monkey-bars approach to dating: they don't let go of the last one until they have a good hold on the next one. This isn't a strictly female trait, this is a product of a human fear of being alone. Once you realize this, dating makes a lot more sense.

frogma · 2012-05-21T14:48:23+00:00

These guys are all on-point (though a couple comments have some weird undertones), but I'll add that you're committing confirmation bias. You may have been with 50 different women who all had boyfriends, didn't tell you about them, etc., but you're neglecting to mention the women who were single, or the ones who had boyfriends and didn't cheat on them (which is gonna be much more than 50). You're drawing conclusions from one small sample that's part of a much larger population.

In essence though, just remember that jealousy and overprotectiveness are relationship-killers. Avoid them at all costs. Hell, even in situations where they're probably justified, avoid assuming shit before you hear more facts. I used to do it constantly and it can only hurt. Especially because it's like -- what are you worried about here? And how will your newfound knowledge (assuming you actually get more info about whatever the situation is) affect your behavior from there? So you find out she's cheating -- does that mean you're free to break up with her? Well yeah, technically, but the reason you're so jealous in the first place is because you want to stay with her. So any extra knowledge you get is gonna come at a huge price -- you want her to show you the last few texts she got because you think she's been flirting with some dude? If you turn out to be right, now you gotta deal with that situation. If you turn out to be wrong, she's pissed that you didn't trust her.

Also, being overprotective is more likely to lead to cheating. It's basic psychology. You're filling her head with this idea that she's bound to cheat on you (while you're also being a bit of a dick), and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She eventually "rebels" against your behavior by doing the exact thing you didn't want. Whereas if you're really laid-back about that sort of shit and make it known that you don't give much of a shit, she's actually less likely to do it because there's no motivation for it. You're not providing any "tension" or anything to act against (simultaneously, if you're naturally thinking this way, that probably also means your general attitude is pretty admirable, so you're the one she wants anyway).

RedYeti · 2012-05-21T13:32:47+00:00

The idea is to demonstrate enough alpha traits to keep her excited and interested (dopamine), but also enough beta traits to pair-bond and create a loving relationship (oxytocin). If you are too beta then she'll want to stay with you because you provide for her/your children etc, but she will be tempted to stray with an exciting new crush exhibiting alpha traits. And obviously if you are too alpha then she will never really fall in love/bond with you. You can't maintain the exciting new person lust relationship in the long-term.

This is a great resource for using principles of game to create a better LTR/marriage

edit: I accidentally a 'h'

TofuTofu · 2012-05-21T14:11:22+00:00

Just be awesome, exciting, spontaneous, and value-giving. If you're the greatest guy she knows, you won't have trust issues because you'll know she'll never leave you. Learn to cultivate that belief in yourself - that core confidence.

dnb1111 · 2012-05-21T12:40:36+00:00

If your girlfriend is willing to cheat on you, she's not worth your time. It's a numbers game so if you're trying to find "the one", you have to take that risk. It may happen, but like any other game you just have to risk it.

TofuTofu · 2012-05-21T13:19:45+00:00

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kyletatum93 · 2012-05-21T17:57:23+00:00

Sloots gonna sloot

fluidkarma · 2012-05-21T14:16:21+00:00

I always have this small doubt that if the right guy comes around, my girlfriend will do the same as these girls have done

Why worry about something you can't control when you could be working on being the happiest, most attractive, confident guy that your girl knows. Part of being a man is understanding there are things that are out of your control and be fine with that.

RedYeti nailed it too...

UnapologeticalyAlive · 2012-05-21T15:46:32+00:00

Some people get cheated on by everyone they date. Some people never get cheated on. I'm convinced this isn't a coincidence. People tend to attract others who are similar to themselves. Cheaters cheat because they have low self-esteem and need constant validation from new sources. People who have low self-esteem tend to date other people with low self-esteem. Those are the cheaters.

If you have a lot of self-esteem, derive it from within, and don't need or seek external validation, you'll attract a mate who does the same thing and you won't get cheated on.

k1ngk0ngwl · 2012-05-21T19:16:41+00:00

Anyone will cheat under the right circumstances.

frogma · 2012-05-21T13:09:52+00:00

I too have been shocked by the difference in what women will say, and what they will do. "I would never cheat" is in my eyes a null statement.

I agree that it's also part of the game, and as such just requires a correct strategy. What that is, I don't know yet :)

All I know is what not to do, and that's trust everything she says. After all, everything out of her mouth is a test.

Bonki_ · 2012-05-21T14:15:46+00:00

In 2008 I got cheated on for the first time. With 3 other women. After that, it was hard to imagine trusting anyone again.

From a relationship coach I learned to differentiate the cheaters from the non-cheaters and found my current boyfriend. In a lighthearted manner I let him know that the reason I broke up with that other guy was because he cheated on me.

I've made myself clear, I have the tools to know who to trust. Thanks to this I am able to trust him and the relationship.

dizmo · 2012-05-21T16:45:13+00:00

I talked to a counselor about this very issue. Here's a short breakdown of what he taught me. Every time you catch yourself wondering if you can trust your girlfriend, stop and ask yourself this question "Have I done everything possible to make her happy and want to be with me?" If the answer to that question is yes then simply reminder yourself that you've done everything you possibly can and that it is her choice to cheat on you which you have no control over. If the answer to the question is no then you should evaluate why you haven't been doing everything you possibly can to make her happy.

OuNo2point0 · 2012-05-21T19:26:43+00:00

I believe Snoop Dogg said: "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks", which when applied correctly can be important life advice.

What I mean: Trust her. If she isn't a whore, she won't cheat on you. If she is, and she cheats on you, leave her. She was a fucking whore.

But don't waste time worrying about it. You will not be able to do anything to control whether or not she cheats on you, and anybody who says differently is an idiot or a liar.

Some women are whores, some aren't. That's just a fact of life.

2012-05-21T13:15:51+00:00

Take a look at yourself. You're the best she'll get, if so then you shouldn't be threatened by anyone taking your spot. If she then would proceed to cheat on you then leave her, she's a crappy person. Continue being the boss.

I always have the mindset that I'm better looking and have a bigger dick than anyone she's ever been with and probably anyone she'll ever meet (as long as she is with me that is). I don't like insecurity, and girls love a secure man.

aharddayznight · 2012-05-21T16:04:29+00:00

i have to agree with you here OP. i noticed the same thing too. I've been cheated on repeatedly in the past, and it wasn't until i started playing the game that i realized how easy it was to do.

That's the biggest problem with this style of life, it makes you a bit jaded. but hey, if you find the right girl for a relationship don't let it go because you don't trust girls anymore. that's when this game has done more bad than good to you. until then, just keep doing what you're doing. chances are the girls who are cheating on their boyfriends are the insecure ones, just make sure yours isn't like that.

2012-05-21T23:10:37+00:00

if the right guy comes around, my girlfriend will do the same as these girls have done.

Yes, she will. There's no such thing as the perfect security system, a lock that can't be picked, a computer that can't be hacked into. There is no such thing as a girl that can't be gotten to regardless of the man she's with or their relationship. Get used to it.

MarniWingGirl · 2012-05-22T12:21:46+00:00

I think it's about trusting that the right guy for your girlfriend has already come along: you. People (not just women!) do cheat; but usually this happens in the first place because they feel something is missing from the relationship. This could be sex, or which I think is WAY more common with women, a sense of emotional connection, intimacy and closeness. If you and your girlfriend are still 'close', arguments aren't disrupting your bond, and you still make special time for each other I don't think you have anything to worry about.

And you know what? If you hit a rocky patch that doesn't mean she'll cheat either! Just be ok to take the lead in this situation and tell her, 'I've noticed things have felt quite strained recently, how do we feel happier again? Tell me what you need.'

Deal with things in an upfront way, be aware of both of your needs and there's no reason why you can't be happy and faithful to one another

Marni Wing Girl

2012-05-21T14:50:19+00:00

Growing up in a religious home, we were taught to 'Avoid the occasion of sin' which basically meant, do not put yourself in situations where you're going to be tempted to fuck up. I'm pretty aware of the situations my girlfriends put themselves into, for instance, none of my gfs have been interested in the party scene which cuts down the likelihood of their cheating dramatically.

lavezzaf · 2012-05-21T14:35:06+00:00

Im coming out of a marriage where my ex cheated on me. My general mentality now is that women have the same urges as Men, meaning they are whores just like we are, so fuck it. You just have to date the one that actually has some moral fiber, which is pretty easy to spot in a girl. If it took you 2 hours to get into a girls pants, chances are they will cheat, if it took you 4 dates, chances are they wont.

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2012-05-21T15:13:20+00:00

Exes being less than trustworthy contributed to my interest in seduction, so no, not really. You may get cheated on. You may get left. There is nothing you can do about it besides be a better person.

SarenAtrius · 2012-05-21T15:19:43+00:00

If she runs into the right guy she will cheat.

Yes, that's very pessimistic and maybe I'm just too much of a cynic. But I think most people would cheat if the right person came along. Call me crazy.

thalex · 2012-05-21T16:02:12+00:00

I've had the hardest time committing insofar as letting myself become attached. I always am talking and being social and this keeps me aware of the limitless possibilities.

spenserbot · 2012-05-21T18:22:17+00:00

I have been jaded on relationships in general. Ive met a couple girls I considered GF material (I only use that title on girls I could see myself one day marrying). The rare times its happened it just didn't work out for various reasons. Now I find it much easier to just hop from relationship to relationship in a short time. I'm always looking for the next best thing or just some sort of change. whenever a girl starts to get attached I tend to separate entirely. I think that by doing this i'm losing touch of what a relationship should be. I don't really know. Fuck it i'm young, there's time for love later.

Zhai · 2012-05-21T19:49:24+00:00

My female friends sometimes tell me to try a pick up one of their friends. When I mention "but she has a boyfriend" they just tell me to not care about it. Couple times I've been told that some girls "are in the market for new boyfriend" while being in long term relationships. WTF women? I wanted to be a good guy but I can see girls staying with their boyfriends just because there isn't anything better around at the moment. Women really are afraid to be alone.

Personally I feel like OP. It's hard to trust someone when you hear these things from women being in, what you could call, steady relationships in good condition.

JupiterDeusMaximus · 2012-05-21T20:33:25+00:00

So, now that I'm actually in a relationship, I always have this small doubt that if the right guy comes around, my girlfriend will do the same as these girls have done

OP, this is exactly what women do. I've more often been 'the other guy' than a boyfriend. Basically I live by this philosophy - if his game can't keep her, my game will get her. If my game doesn't stay strong, someone with better game will get her.

Its a jungle out there man, play it smart

Pharmakoza · 2012-05-21T20:35:33+00:00

I have a theory that need for stimulation/proneness to boredom increases the likelihood of cheating. I once encountered a young and extremely beautiful woman who I later found out was married. This was a woman who evidently had somebody paying the bills and thus took many exotic vacations in the course of a year. She also admitted to getting bored very easily and jokingly stated that she needs someone to entertain her.

It makes sense that you would encounter more women who are looking for a fling with someone other than their SO in places of high stimulation, like clubs, shows, etc.

FittersGuy · 2012-05-21T20:55:42+00:00

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ymrhawk · 2012-05-21T21:01:39+00:00

I trust my girlfriend

9 times out of 10 we just say that for purposes of not losing our minds. Better to be happy in delusion than miserable in reality.

yoshi_story1 · 2012-05-21T22:17:53+00:00

I've grown to be a bit more jaded after hooking up with girls who have boyfriends, and hearing all these FR's about PUA's and the like who prey on all women and successfully lead them astray from their mates. Obviously, it is the woman's choice. I think cheating in the American culture is taken fairly lightly, which is sad. I don't know if I can believe in commitment if there are so many options for people and temptations. It takes a strong will to do so.

clinicalnoise · 2012-05-21T23:37:10+00:00

I think like this.

If I'm able to provider her with laughs, interesting stories and great sex there is no reason why she would try to risk it by having sex with someone else, even if there was an sudden attraction.

Have self confidence, you are a PUA!

When I was unsure or felt jealous at some moments during my last relationship i just said to my self: Don't be jealous, she is with you for a reason.

Jealousy shows and slowly sips through the fabric of your emotional state and actions when you are with her. Don't let it.

OatSquares · 2012-05-21T23:47:22+00:00

I think i got into the seduction community because i could no longer trust after a bad relationship

anonymous_troll · 2012-05-22T02:04:31+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I've seen women do stuff that will forever put doubt in my mind unless I really know a girl very well.

alexthelateowl · 2012-05-22T02:27:07+00:00

For me, I would say, if you find someone else better than me, just tell me and leave and no real hard feelings. Just dont cheat on me or use me.

And I never would let a person become dependent on me unless we were living together and planning on marriage. Until then, everything is minimal dependency.

FittersGuy · 2012-05-22T20:25:58+00:00

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2012-05-21T14:36:18+00:00

I'm here to answer your question and not try to give you advice.

The answer is YES ABSOLUTELY I feel 100% the same way and regardless of whatever ignorance is bliss method you use to try and make yourself feel happy just remember that there will always be someone out there like you or I who could sneak in and snatch our girl once the relationship has become all too familiar and dull.

I always try to stay sharp and keep her interested and on an emotional rollercoaster even years into the relationship, that way she can't get bored of me and I'll always be the one she thinks of. This sole idea has driven me crazy, I even wrote a song about it metaphorically. No matter what, you can't be yourself or you might lose her. It's like you reinvent yourself just to pick her up and now you can't trust her to stay because you'll have to keep up the push-pull with her for so long and the thought will drive you crazy

testmypatience · 2012-05-21T20:14:01+00:00

Answer to your question: absolutely

UnapologeticalyAlive · 2012-05-21T14:35:49+00:00

Generally speaking, the easier it is for you to get a girl into bed, the easier it is for any other guy to get her into bed.

I have a girlfriend now. It took me some time to get her into bed, and it didn't happen until she and her previous boyfriend broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with me. So now I trust her because I'm pretty sure she would treat any other guy the same way.

IAmTheOmNom · 2012-05-21T14:53:13+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Anyone else have trouble trusting in relationships now?
Author	FittersGuy
Upvotes	220
Comments	139
Date	May 21, 2012 11:30 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/txdci/anyone_else_have_trouble_trusting_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/anyone-else-have-trouble-trusting-in-relationships.1332973 https://theredarchive.com/post/1332973

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