Depressed and feeling like an incel

HowboutchaCmon · 2019-04-21T19:01:55+00:00

Sounds like you need to forget focusing on the seduction part of social interaction. A lot of stuff posted here isn’t sage advice and if you’re longing for friendship, you gotta start there. You won’t get from inexperienced with women to getting laid using some hacks you read online. Not only is it a low approach, but they can smell it.

If you’re a genuine and interesting person that is actually interested in spending time getting to know someone that you have things in common with, the rest should fall in place. Start there and worry about the complexities of sexual attraction later.

imnotarobotdammit · 2019-04-21T18:57:15+00:00

It doesn’t matter. The more you care about women, the harder it is to get women. They are people. Treat them normally. Treat yourself the best. Take care of yourself. Women will come if you don’t tunnel vision on them. Work out, wash your face, wear new clothes, work on yourself and your hobbies.

boreddude77 · 2019-04-21T19:16:37+00:00

Work on yourself. You will never find validation outside of you. Develop your skills life and personal shit. Become the best you can actively. Don’t wait for someone else to pop in your life and make it all better.

Zeroluckwiththegirls · 2019-04-21T20:56:14+00:00

[permanently deleted]

coolvirginman · 2019-04-21T19:53:02+00:00

im 28 and just got my first kiss lol

Aeon199 · 2019-04-21T18:56:44+00:00

Just remember that no one owes you anything, so if you feel yourself harboring racist/sexist attitude because of rejection then that speaks to your character. There's other places to meet women, like bars and events so try going off campus if you have to. You have to become someone that YOU would want to be with and then others will feel that way. The first word you used to describe yourself is depressed and you talk about how you feel bad that you're a virgin. In most cases women can sense that desperation and it is not sexy dude. This is gonna sound cliche but you don't have to rush into a relationship or losing your virginity and I know that's not easy to hear but it's the truth. Focus on becoming happier with yourself from within and others will see you glowing. This doesn't mean stop talking to people and becoming a shut-in, it's good you have friends just keep in touch with them and keep the option open to make new friends.

Now let's talk about your fears, because that's what holding you back. It's good you're talking to people but don't let the fear of rejection keep you from escalating a relationship, you should welcome rejection because it's going to happen a lot in life before you succeed. Just don't have any expectation when playing the field and you'll be surprised with every new friend you make.

Audentes · 2019-04-21T19:48:30+00:00

Happiness begets happiness and fun people meet other fun people. It's not because of luck, it's because emotion is infectious and a good vibe gets carried on.

Figure out how to be happy without women so when you meet women they're happy to be with you and you're happy innately. It makes it easier to have an aloof confidence and a fulfilled life. With or without women.

DanksOutForMemes · 2019-04-21T22:18:40+00:00

You're definitely not the only one who struggles with their dating life, in fact a national survey found that 1 in 4 American men ages 18 to 30 did not have sex in 2018, a record high in recent decades. So much for the sexual revolution...

Honestly, dating is very hard and confusing if you think about it, especially if you're like me and not a natural and don't have any success with women to go off. If you're like me and have read a lot of dating articles and watched a lot of Youtube videos, a lot of advice thrown out there is extremely contradictory. On one end, you have people say to state your intentions early and ask her out relatively quickly, and then you have others who say you should get to know her first as a person and then you ask her out later because you don't want to come off as desperate. You have PUA's telling you that looks don't matter as long you're confident and have good "game", and then you have others who say looks are the only thing that matters, and only if the woman finds you good looking will they even consider you. Some people teach that you have to play "hard to get" and don't show too much interest too early otherwise you come off as desperate, while others say you should immediately state your interest. Meanwhile some people will say you shouldn't even try to pursue women and only when you stop looking will you actually find someone because women can smell the desperation from a mile away.

So what is it? Which advice is right and which advice is wrong? What is the secret formula to actually getting a girlfriend that it seems like everybody else knows? I honestly have no idea, i'm just some guy with Aspergers, i'm pretty sure figuring out quantum mechanics is easier then trying to figure out women.

If it makes you feel any better, I doubt the majority of college aged boys ages 18 to 22 are having sex as much as you are led to believe. Yeah you have the 6 ft tall good looking and smooth talking "Chads" who can get girls without even trying, but the majority of men arne't like that. And then you have the guys with girlfriend who are obviously getting laid on the regular (assuming they're not waiting till marriage) but not every guy has a girlfriend, and I seriously doubt the majority of average looking single men have a group of different women per year. Not to mention that men who are actually virgins or have never had a girlfriend are likely to remain silent or even lie about it since it's considered shameful or embarrassing especially at older ages. Imagine never having a girlfriend at 30 and you go to a family gathering and your 15 year old cousin has a girlfriend, that would suck, id probably lie about my lack of experience too.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in trying to figure it out.

ImBadAtReddit69 · 2019-04-21T23:53:47+00:00

I'm usually a lurker on here but I thought I'd drop in and comment on this one.

First off, don't become an incel. You have a great shot to meet interesting and wonderful people (both men and women, both friends and more than friends) right now, as is. If you become an incel, you immediately throw that out the window and restrict your social circle to a small group of shitty, close-minded losers who have nothing good in their lives. It's not worth it.

Second, I don't think your problem is that you're awful with women or that you're socially inept. I think your problem is that you're seeking satisfaction and validation in life from the wrong places.

Let's be clear - satisfaction and validation doesn't come from other people. Other people don't transmit their thoughts, feelings, and opinions to your mind. It comes from yourself, and your own thoughts. This is objective fact. From experience, you could be doing great with women and have a wide social circle at a particular point in time and still be completely dissatisfied if you're living a life that you don't want to live.

The solution to this? Live your life listening to your own gut. If you don't like associating with certain people, stop associating with them and associate with people you'd actually like to be around. If you aren't satisfied with your career choice, pick something you'd rather do. If you're bored with your hobbies and entertainment, pick up something new that does interest you. If your skills, talents, and abilities are lacking in your own eyes, work on them. Set ambitious goals that fit into your life vision.

Mark Wahlberg didn't pop out of the womb and end up in Hollywood. Albert Einstein didn't graduate with E=mc² scribbled in his notebook. Tom Brady didn't have an NFL contract waiting for his signature when he was playing pop warner football. These men all saw what they genuinely wanted to do in life, and adjusted and pursued those goals regardless of what other people told them their capabilities were.

I know you came on here for advice with women and such, but that's all secondary to this. If you seek satisfaction and validation from yourself and yourself alone, and build yourself an interesting, fun life around that, then women and friends will come with that. Living a life that you yourself see as worthwhile is like casting out a net, and pulling in a catch of people and experiences that further enrich your life. If you set that as a goal, I think that you'll have much greater success socially and with women. But you have to set that as your primary goal, and women as the secondary or even tertiary goal.

hydrolith · 2019-04-21T19:04:29+00:00

I hope I can help, just know you're not the only one who feels this way, even people you think are better off than you feel this way, often. One of the problems I think with these feelings is that we imagine others are far better off than we are, it stings when we see another guy with a girl and they're laughing, but so many times we can get what we thought we wanted, and no it's not always bad, it can be great, but we see that other problems equally as severe, have simply come up to replace the previous problems. For instance, oh finally I have a girlfriend, but now I'm paranoid about pregnancy, or losing her. I got what I thought I wanted but I'm still feeling like shit, just for a different reason. I think trying to be happy with health, food, fun, nature, games, creativity, media, these are all things I have much better control over, it leads to a better state imho.

Principatus · 2019-04-22T01:12:48+00:00

I recommend taking dance classes. Choose a partner dance where you hold the girl close, like kizomba or bachata. Regular physical contact and social interaction with women, even platonically, will help you a lot imho. Worked wonders for me!

smilyfaith · 2019-04-22T03:55:01+00:00

Girls know girls. Make them friends, have their friends.

recyclablebanthas · 2019-04-23T04:35:56+00:00

1

I go to a commuter college and try to talk to people around me in classes, but I've only made acquaintances at most and no one seems to want to have lasting friendships, aside from some friends who are busy.

Like HowboutchaCmon said, if you don't have your social life in order, that NEEDS to come first. If you have a couple circles of friends as a foundation, then you're meeting new girls from a position of greater strength.

2

I'm great at talking to people once I get to know them but the beginning stages of friendship are brutal.

If you're good at talking to people once you know them, that says to me that you can hold a conversation, but perhaps you have psyched yourself out when it comes to new people.

If you find yourself fussing over not knowing what to say, then the first fix that needs to happen is shifting your focus OUTSIDE of your head. David Wygant has a great video on this where he talks about how to use basic and easy observation to come up with easy openers and also to feed conversation.

3

The clubs here are awful, and only maybe 5 clubs are open to men/aren't frats or sororities/are any interest at all. The remaining are dormant

Yikes. You listed frats and sororities as if they're the be-all end-all, when they're not great at all, as far as social options go. There are groups of people who meet up specifically to meet other single strangers. You have way better options available to you than greek life or clubs:

Hash runs: Trail running + beer + fit people = win
Couchsurfing meets: The basic idea around these meets is: Hang with travelers and people who like to be around travelers. There are a lot of informal couchsurfing groups and some paid membership websites (like this one). But if you find couchsurfing groups on FB, it's free.
Social partner dancing: Salsa, Lindy Hop, West Coast Swing, Argentine Tango, just to name a few. You really can't go wrong. Learn something fun and have an excuse to be close to a girl in a fun and non-threatening way. (Just respect it as an activity & means to meet new people and work on self-improvement first, and place to meet women second.)
Download the Meet-up app. Scan for groups near you that you share an interest with.
Do a Facebook search for your city/town/area. Look under the Groups and Events tabs. Or you might search your city + some activity you're specifically interested in.

What area are you in now?

4

I did have a chance with this girl but I waited too long and she met someone else. I just have a fear or being rejected and then I’ll get ignored later on.

This is the sort of thing that can be addressed partly by having a circle of friends. And the social stuff I suggest in #3, will also place you around a lot of single people in situations that are instant ice breakers.

Oman2 · 2019-04-22T03:29:19+00:00

Hey man, have you considered that you might actually be depressed (medically)?

I've got nothing on the other advice people here are giving, but remember that part of this is being yourself over being who other people want you to be. Depression manifests very differently in different people, but the disillusionment that you're feeling could be something deeper. A good way to start would be ask why you feel like that; are you frustrated when nothing works, or are you just always frustrated?

A lot of people will check some of these boxes when they're perfectly healthy, but this test is a good one to help you find out if there's a potential problem on the medical side as well.

Stay strong mate, and maybe consider as a few other people have pointed out that focusing on the end goal can be noticed by the girls you approach, and may negatively impact your progress.

report9x · 2019-04-21T21:22:34+00:00

Do cocaine fuck bitches

Mindsink · 2019-04-22T04:24:19+00:00

Go join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu school and train for 1 year 3 times per week and the rest will take care of itself.

PmMeYourNudes-Ladies · 2019-04-22T04:34:47+00:00

Try to be a better version of yourself everyday. Don't waste a single day, and don't fall to the idea that you can't do something. Reality is, people want to change but are afraid of change, because change causes anxiety. But remember that inertia brings disappointment.

Your first step should be trying to make friends, but also accepting your flaws and that you are a capable man.

If you need to talk, I'm here.

Verbarmammilla · 2019-04-22T04:36:16+00:00

There seems to be some pretty decent advice here already, but I'll add my $0.02.

Firstly, realise you are SUPER YOUNG, so there's plenty of time for things to turn around, and I can guarantee they will. Secondly, change your mindset. 'Zero luck with the girls'. C'mon mate, we make our own luck. What is luck anyway, but opportunity met with preparedness.

Forget about trying to pick up and just work on yourself, get fit, get cultured, read, watch films, and listen to rock n roll. If you're an interesting dude you'll be irresistible to so many ladies. But it ain't an overnight fix, so chill out and reap the rewards when you're ready. Baby steps. Good luck!

balor5987 · 2019-04-22T09:39:25+00:00

Hang in there bud, I know shit is hard but you gotta keep trying, ask random aquaintances if they'd like to grab a beer after class or try find a d&d game, I know its nerdy as hell but it is a lot of fun and a great way to make friends, helped me a lot to meet people when I lived in Canada.

As for girls, don't wait for the love of gods don't wait, I know rejection can hurt but that gets way easier with time to a point that rejection just bounces off you (I always said "well at least I know now and have tried" to myself when rejected, take pride in the fact you tried and it will go a long way to making it way easier) but that nagging "what if" of never knowing never gets easier and is far worse in the long run than the brief pain of rejection... You just gotta hang in bud, I know what it feels like to be in your situation, I really do. You just gotta keep trying, stand tall walk and talk confident and throw in a HEALTHY dose of not giving a fuck , even if it's just pretend I'm your head it goes so far to help,

Keep trying bud. Never give up. Never surrender and when life is getting you down wrestle that fucker into the dirt and say "not today you bastard not today"

From someone who's been in much the same

ajswdf · 2019-04-21T20:52:20+00:00

Don't get too worked up about age, it's not like once you hit 22 you're doomed to die a virgin. I was 22 when I lost my virginity.

The problem is that your mentality only hurts you, which leads to it becoming stronger which makes it harder to get laid and this spirals down.

I've always used online dating because I'm an introvert. If you go that route, ask a female friend to take pictures of you and choose the 3 best ones to use on Tinder, Bumble, and as many as you can find, and set aside an hour or so every day to swipe/talk to girls on there and ask them out for drinks or coffee within a couple messages. Unless you look like Quasimodo you should get dates at least occasionally.

Regardless of if you do dating apps or approach IRL, you should work out and do weight training. It's such cliche advice at this point, but being more muscular is a huge boost to your confidence. If you're at a university you should have access to their rec room. If you don't know what to do there's all sorts of free programs online, or you could simply ask somebody who's working out for help. Just say "Hey sorry to bother you but this is my first time in the gym and I don't know what to do, can you give me some pointers?" Bring a notebook and write down what you did, then the next time you go repeat.

Once you're actually on a date you have to be more sexually aggressive than you're used to. I'm not talking slapping her butt right as she walks in, but don't be scared to touch her. The problem is that society tells guys all the wrong things about this. You absolutely must error on the side of being too creepy. As much as the common zeitgeist says to respect their space and take it slowly, women expect you to make the first move and are perfectly capable of telling you no if they don't like it.

ItsTonesOClock · 2019-04-21T21:02:28+00:00

I don't know you so I'm just gonna make a massive assumption that you might be trying too hard and it shows. I went to college with a guy who used to try extremely hard with people and was as nice as he could possibly be but he had and still has no real friends. Don't worry about people liking you and just try to be you. That's way easier said then done but I don't really know what else to tell you.

GKaplan0 · 2019-04-21T19:50:11+00:00

You can only find happiness from within. Very corny but very true.

In the meantime I’d encourage you to be ok with “no.” Laugh and move on. People aren’t into you, well fuck them.

It’s that simple. It is harder to do of course but not impossible.

poleshar · 2019-04-21T20:27:08+00:00

Well the good news is you control your outlook! If you dont want to be an incel, dont be. My initial advice is to place less emphasis on finding a girl. Focus on you and enjoy your own company. You find people who are on the same path as you by walking your own path and bumping into them. :) Otherwise ignore your fears. Srsly whats the worst that can happen? They reject you and youre alone? Arent you alone anyway? Take a risk. The worst that can happen is nothing changes.

boreddude77 · 2019-04-21T21:28:11+00:00

Agreed!!

DajuanKev · 2019-04-22T02:06:38+00:00

Haha You have yet to even touch the peak of your 20s.

ekoagobuchi · 2019-04-22T02:48:14+00:00

Focus on making yourself the coolest guy you can be. What does that look like, what is he wearing, what is he doing? I think if you can create that vision in your mind, and then anchor that vision with daily journaling and taking steps to materialize that being, then it might be helpful to move you forward from your current position. It does sound like you are totally underground at the moment emotionally, so before you try to ramp up expectations on that needy part of yourself, just give yourself everything that you feel you need to develop yourself. What does it mean to be a cool guy to you, and what are the things you can start doing tomorrow to bring that person out of your head and into the world. And those cool things should first and foremost be about yourself and your life, not others. And then you can gradually let people into the cool life you are creating. Much love friend.

The-Wizard-of-Oz- · 2019-04-22T04:08:49+00:00

Whats an incel?

HilarityEnsuez · 2019-04-22T04:46:27+00:00

How bout turning your energy to making some good friends? People often meet their SO's through friends of friends. And having friends gives you social validation which girls look for and which gives you confidence and ease in talking to people.

csgecko · 2019-04-22T04:51:07+00:00

All this seduction shit, lol.

Have you assessed your looks / appearance?

Whether you like it or not, people, especially women, judge men extremely harshly on looks.

This means:

Perfect your skin
Perfect your hair
Perfect your clothing
Perfect your physique
Perfect your hygeine

Get you that shit on lock, all the while improving your game.

KindnessWins · 2019-04-22T05:01:32+00:00

Can u tell us what city you're in so the guys can help you? I'm in Toronto. One thing I've learned about the guys in this group is that we're very helpful. 1. Let's start with his workout routine/diet. 2. Check his wardrobe. 3. Take him to a Killer strip club where the women are smooooking hot

Ddub4 · 2019-04-22T06:38:38+00:00

Like others have said focus on friendship not so much seduction. Have you considered joining a club at your college? That should be a good place but it might take two semesters unless you’re really talkative. If you’re able I would join multiple clubs

hans1193 · 2019-04-22T06:44:33+00:00

Post a picture if yourself, let’s see your haircut and clothing style

SSR1234 · 2019-04-22T07:02:57+00:00

Are you me? I'm sorry to hear it's happened to you. My story is similar but coming from a conservative muslim background was what did me in

rom1bki · 2019-04-22T07:43:41+00:00

Women are not subhuman. They’re just shit. Like men.

Lichcrow · 2019-04-22T08:14:51+00:00

Get a hobby, exercise. My personal favorite are running and boxing/jiu-jitsu. The latter ones help a shit tone with social interactions. There's a fine line between playing around and developing skill, and beating each other to a pulp or destroying someones joints. It helps you define boudaries in your interactions and it teaches you physical contact with strangers.

I also joined my colleges club of Music and Art (i'm in an engineering school) that helps my find a bit of my artistic side. This gives you new connections and stuff you can work with other people towards a goal. You may gain great friendships like this.

After 3 years of working on this (I was single for the past 5 years), I now have a girlfriend and am finally "out" of my depression. I have to keep working on myself though.

tunderando · 2019-04-22T09:44:02+00:00

Women appreciate men who are in control of their lives. Focus on you. My advice is to make sure you're killing it in the gym and in whatever your vocation is/ what you do for education. Keep hydrated and even better hygiene. Make sure your friendship group is reflective of who you want to be as a mature man. Have a role model (real of fictional) that is everything you think a man should be. When in doubt this should be your reference point until you get more experience.

On my phone btw, apologies in advance

Sharingan_ · 2019-04-22T10:31:22+00:00

Just work on yourself dude, nothing's gonna give you a more satisfying return.

I suggest you start working out regularly to boost your self-confidence and pick up a hobby that involves other people, that way you'll make genuine friends with the same interests

I_do_it4sloots · 2019-04-23T00:07:52+00:00

Been there, don't listen to all the advice you are getting

There is only one thing you need to do, it's to open up your emotions to the world

You are shy, that's why you have these kind of problems

You need to learn to understand how you feel and to be able to comunicate that while also understanding what the other person might be feeling

If you like a girl, tell her

PolesWithGoals · 2019-04-21T20:09:02+00:00

Not being successful with women does not mean you'll spontaneously obtain certain views

Gordon-G · 2019-04-21T19:59:23+00:00

Watch this one bro

https://youtu.be/PiAtjlMJjJg

indirect_storyteller · 2019-04-21T20:49:52+00:00

Two books will help achieve what everyone’s listed so far: How to win Friends and Influence People, and Models. The first is good for expanding your social circle and becoming a more socially attractive person where the second focuses on how to turn that social attractiveness into romantic attractiveness.

jonblaze32 · 2019-04-22T01:27:56+00:00

In addition to some good advice already said, I'd say to be more intentional about designing your life around having a social foundation. Figure out things that work for you.

-find a job with other young people

-cycle through some living situations where you are living with people your age

-form "study/homework groups" with people from class. Don't seek out just high status looking people. Some of the best people I've met in college have been super awesome and they look completely different than who I'd normally be expected to be friends with. If you look around, you'll be finding people in exactly the same spot as you.

Don't concentrate on the girl stuff too much. Concentrate more on developing fulfilling, fun and close relationships. Girls will flow from that

EnvironmentalTwister · 2019-04-22T01:35:46+00:00

Keep your head up dude.

It will get better. Sounds tough now but trust me, take pride in the small things.

Least1ngenuity · 2019-04-22T06:11:49+00:00

Man I feel you, turning 28 this week and back in college yet have never had anything going for me. The only thing keeping me from being an incel is I don’t hate women for rejecting me I hate myself for not being good enough for them.

sose5000 · 2019-04-21T22:03:24+00:00

You don’t “become” and incel. It’s a choice not a result.

gingerjesuss · 2019-04-21T23:03:20+00:00

This sub is full of some of the worst advice I’ve ever seen.

Learn how to not show confidence, but feel comfortable, and the confidence will come if you can learn to suppress that adrenaline and anxiety that makes you act less like yourself around women.

The first barrier is making a woman feel comfortable and safe. If you’re awkward or too nervous she will be too. If you’re too anxious it will come through and she wont feel a connection even if you have things in common. Admittedly this is so much easier said than done— it takes work, but it’s the fucking key to everything.

Once you’re doing that then it just comes down to if you’re a match. If you know you’re doing that and it doesn’t work out, there’s nothing you could have done—she’s just different or looking for someone different, not necessarily someone better. So don’t let it crush your confidence, this is what it’s like for the good looking social butterflies too.

Most people don’t need to learn “game”, they need to learn how to treat women nicely and with respect.

Focus on getting to know them, not getting in their pants. If you’re interested in who they are as a person it goes a long way.

theenderman510 · 2019-04-22T05:39:22+00:00

No-fap

Omario6 · 2019-04-21T20:56:40+00:00

As i said previously, times have changed, looks matters most nowadays. If you are ugly like me, you will probably end like me too. I'm not living in America or Europe, but changes also reach slowly my country. Or go to porn industry if you want to get laid :D

Jjghgfgggg · 2019-04-22T05:26:51+00:00

I don't want to be an incel who has racist/sexist views

I want to be a cuck and I don't want to speak the truth

RedPillMissionary · 2019-04-21T19:59:03+00:00

Girls and getting laid are way overrated. We used to have a society that admired intelligence. Now we admire rebellion and promiscuity. Focus on discipline. Your physiology will function until your 60s. Your opportunity for success in business and self mastery takes place within a small window.

wylles · 2019-04-21T22:32:15+00:00

I think you need to take off your mind in some way about not having luck, like f**k it, i dont know if you follow me, next girl, if it happens, it happens, and if not, then on to the next one, it sounds awful maybe, but its just a way to just not giving it too much importance, focus on yourdelf, reead books, watch movies, go to any learning course that you might find interesting, that you might have not tried and try it, if you can, and try to not make a big deal of those beginning stages, its almost always going to happen, thats how you learn to see which people are better having as casual friends, work friends, study friends, going out friends, party friends, and life long friends, it just at a point starts coming naturally, but you have to keep meeting people in some way, thats how you learn about them, see how they are, and of course the same with girls, how they react to your conversations,m see where its going, whats the possibility of something happening with any girl, just meet, talk, interact, read expressions, and just kind of decide your next move, and dont think too much about risks or not, if it happens it happens, if not, then maybe friends, or go on to the next

Gmonkry · 2019-04-22T01:24:41+00:00

Join a hobby class or do meet ups. Honestly meeting people randomly is much harder than meeting someone by doing an interactive activity with them consistently. You’ll get more comfortable with them, they’ll get more comfortable with you, and there are more opportunities to chat beyond just small talk. Cuz of this, the bond will form naturally over time; that’s just how it’s how we’ve been wired by evolution. Don’t focus on seduction, focus on comraderie.

Mr_Zarika · 2019-04-22T02:13:43+00:00

I don't want to be an incel who has racist/sexist views and don't agree with their views on women.

lol.

taa_dow · 2019-04-21T21:54:35+00:00

Go to the gym. Yes, They are that shallow. All this stuff in here is circlejerk.

Title	Depressed and feeling like an incel
Author	Zeroluckwiththegirls
Upvotes	263
Comments	144
Date	April 21, 2019 6:16 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/bfrsk3/depressed_and_feeling_like_an_incel/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/depressed-and-feeling-like-an-incel.1467017 https://theredarchive.com/post/1467017

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