This is the kind of sh#$ that makes me want to file.

bk2747 · 2024-06-07T23:40:02+00:00

Just file, dude.

GaeasSon · 2024-06-07T02:11:41+00:00

It's gaslighting. Let me share some magic words, best when delivered calmly and with a smile. "I refuse to accept guilt for doing as you asked." "If you just want to have an argument, there's a mirror in the bathroom."

Workinprogress710 · 2024-06-06T17:52:47+00:00

That’s just how women act? .. lol

ADHD_247 · 2024-06-06T03:18:10+00:00

So basically going through a divorce now, few months in, it's beent utterly aweful.

But more relevant to this discussion, for years and I mean years. Routine for me as the SAHD raising the two boys, Shed come home for work. I was on drink duty. For my wife and my two boys. This duty extends until the 3 of them go to bed.

Almost every night I'd make a seperate dinner for the boys.

Now this changed throughout the marriage but for quite a period of time I'd be making a seperate dinner for my wife and I but sometimes and more so on the weekend unless she was working, she would "experiment in the kitchen and make dinner and or desert.

Regardless of who was cooking, I was responsible for cleanup.

Post dinner l, wife would retire to another room to watch a program. I too would obviously want to join her to do the same. However, for the most part and because of the age of our boys, what actually happened would be me trying to relax and spend some time with her but instead I'd be asked to continue to fetch snacks, drinks for all with Her never offering to reciprocate ever.

She would say "well I work d all day" fair at the time I thought. But just because I was out working, didn't mean I wasnt doing jobs for the family during the day...

And so this continued for years.

She went to bed at the same time as the boys. Any would be quality time was instead butler duty. It's no wonder why our sex life took a nose dive and she felt like it was perhaps a chore. She just stopped investing in me.

And I do love my boys and fortunately did get quality time in daily with them despite all by way of after school pickup before she got home.

So yea, pretty lonely marriage forme all in all. She would always go to bed at the same time with the boys at 7:30pm.

But to my point, like you, I too started with to resent this treatment because it was never reciprocated.

Its okay to serve your partner but only if it's two way partnership.

Classic_Dill · 2024-06-05T23:45:45+00:00

So she was testing you, she’s trying to see if she can get you to do what she says, you’re not selfish for getting up going into the kitchen to make her drink and then she just jumps into a conclusion out of nowhere and gets angry at you, you have every right to be upset, have you guys had problems in the past? It kind of feels like maybe you have been placating her or something? And she’s kind of seeing how far she can push you, if it’s not too much, does she generally initiate sex ever?

I was married for 26 years and now divorced, happier I don’t have to put up with her toxic behavior, you’ve been married 35 years, which is even longer, you have a couple choices here, you can stay in that marriage and be unhappy until the end or you can, maybe divorce And at least if you’re single be happier than you are now, it’s either roommates or you’re single, it’s a choice you’ll have to make unfortunately. I personally, would not live with that woman in my home, if you don’t desire me and you’re not in love with me? And you have no physical Appetite? You can hit the bricks.

Be prepared for her to be absolutely shocked out of her socks if you divorce her, trust me, she doesn’t think you’ve got the balls, I always love when they’re shocked!

ramad84 · 2024-06-05T12:16:03+00:00

i call that "whipping up a batch of guilt stew".

women are experts at it, if you want to stay with her train your brain to feel comfortable to let her words roll off you, i sometimes tell myself "thats just some women shit". if shes over it in 5 minutes it wasnt anything important anyway. if she harps on it for weeks and brings it up later you gotta get out of there.

rickyspanish12345 · 2024-06-05T03:49:20+00:00

34 years!? Don't live out the rest of your days like this man. YOLO.

pk2at · 2024-06-05T02:12:34+00:00

You seem like a simp. You should be ordering her to make a drink and have the gumption to punish her if she insults you.

SnooSprouts5398 · 2024-06-05T01:22:10+00:00

She wanted to drink with you. Although it’s gaslighting just make her happy and get the drink women overthink the littlest things.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2024-06-04T20:36:13+00:00

They say once contempt enters the relationship, it’s pretty much done.

A divorce at 35 years is going to FVCKING rock your world. And not in a good way. But you will find peace and quiet. And what’s that worth?

Beneficial_Town2403 · 2024-06-04T20:12:43+00:00

I am in the process of divorcing from a 10 year marriage. If I spend 35 years with one woman, I'll just grit my teeth and stay on till we die lol

Dmason715 · 2024-06-04T18:00:19+00:00

Couples counseling. What she did would indicate there’s something deeper going on with her. And if you don’t want to have sex with her, something deeper is going on with you too.

Maybe start dating again and remind yourselves why you got together in the first place. That could go a long way.

dadmacintosh · 2024-06-04T17:13:26+00:00

if you do not yet have kids with her, RUN. It gets worse, bro.

dudefromyork · 2024-06-04T16:34:28+00:00

Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like that? Or would you rather have some freedom/peace and quiet?

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-06-04T13:52:32+00:00

I agree with CulturedGentleman921 and seek out counseling. After that, make an informed decision if you can live with her or not. Life is too short to be unhappy. You can do bad all by yourself.

Dizi357 · 2024-06-04T13:49:00+00:00

First, I’m sorry to hear that - sounds incredibly frustrating and you’re 100% right to be confused and annoyed. While I agree with what someone else said RE trying counseling, a lot of relationship failures ultimately come down to communication (at a level which, in my experience, a lot of men just don’t naturally have - most of us weren’t taught those skills).

She probably wanted you to have a drink WITH her, but rather than saying that she asked you to make “us” one instead. Not direct, and you’re not a mind reader. But as someone going through a divorce, that’s a different kind of hell altogether and one I advise against unless absolutely necessary.

You might try sitting her down tonight and say “hey, I want to communicate better with you (do NOT say “I want to talk”) - can we do that?” IF she says yes, then (politely) explain how it confused you last night, how it “hurt your feelings and made you feel distant from her” (be sure to say “hurt”, she needs to know it hurt because that has certain connotations and meanings) for her to react that way, and that moving forward you’d like her to be more direct in what she wants from you. You love her, but to be with her and succeed you need clear messages. Then do weekly conversational/emotional check-ins with each other, date her again (outside of the house), show her after 35yrs you still love her, and it could come back for both of you.

But all that being said, if you truly “don’t like her anymore”, “don’t want to have sex with her”, and “dislike her intensely”, you may be done already. I’d still recommend couple’s counseling, because they can also help you figure out if it’s going to be fixable or not. But having those feelings already, if they really are true feelings you feel day-in, day-out (i.e. not just when she pulls what she did last night), then the relationship may have just run its course. And that’s okay too, 35yrs is a long time to be with the same person, and way longer than marriages lasted when the institution became a practice in society.

Either way, hang in there, know that you’re not alone in feeling frustrated at that kind of stuff - it happens to us all at some point or another - and this group is here no matter what you decide to do next.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-06-04T13:06:58+00:00

I would try counseling before totally pulling the trigger on your marriage.

RichardCleveland · 2024-06-04T13:01:23+00:00

Like the other poster said, pure gaslighting. But the thing that gets me is that she is VERY bad at it. Don't respond to it, she was obviously trying to get a reaction out of you! If she pulls anything like that again just say something like "nope", turn and walkaway. Also... stop trying to be kind FFS!

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2024-06-04T12:56:20+00:00

It’s called gaslighting. Look it up. Learn how to combat it . You’ve never heard of it because you’re a decent human being.

It’s gross. And it’s the reason many marriages fail.

She’s getting ready to move on and she’s looking for reasons to make herself the victim

Title	This is the kind of sh#$ that makes me want to file.
Author	bthejett
Upvotes	36
Comments	48
Date	June 4, 2024 12:48 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d7wb45/this_is_the_kind_of_sh_that_makes_me_want_to_file/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/this-is-the-kind-of-sh-that-makes-me-want-to-file.1520524 https://theredarchive.com/post/1520524

Comments