Due to a sense of duty, some husbands are the guards of their own prison.

jaceq777 · 2024-08-21T06:33:12+00:00

I feel like I was guarding a home that was a home only to me. She was absent mentally and emotionally. Was it prison? It was an illusion, for sure.

Exception2Rul · 2024-08-21T05:01:30+00:00

Yeah, exactly. I’m sleeping on the ground right now on the wrong side of the tracks to be close to my baby daughter. Serve her with divorce papers yesterday after she threw a $50 dinner in my face as hard as you could and got on my daughter. Still paying for all her shit because I don’t want my daughter to have a bad life like mine.

JumpyApricot80 · 2024-08-21T02:38:15+00:00

I’ve still that sense of duty to her. Weve hurt each other throughout the years, culminating in her discarding me to pursue another man. When I found out, I agreed to the divorce. During this time, I still maintain a good relationship with my in laws because they’ve treated me well all this while. I still look out for my stbx because she’s undergoing depression, but I only do so within the boundaries of separation.

I can’t bring myself to date anyone until the divorce is finalised. Too much baggage.

wisstinks4 · 2024-08-21T01:17:48+00:00

Maybe so. But I know the woman cheated and put me here. It’s on her, not me. I’m trying to sort out the truth with honesty, respect and trust. If any of those core three are broken, we might as well part-ways and wish each other a nice life.

celticmoose · 2024-08-20T20:50:28+00:00

I have a sense of duty to keep my family together which is the hardest part for me right now. I can live with being left, but she is also hurting my kids and my core belief in a nuclear family. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-08-20T17:11:29+00:00

To be fair, we built the prison when we said, "I do ... until death do us part", and gave ourselves a death sentence.

I've been married for 20 years. My stbxw has been an extremely difficult person throughout most of the marriage. I'm fairly certain she has an undiagnosed personality disorder (my belief is Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder).

I don't know ... at the end of the day I have peace in knowing that I held up to my end of the bargain. I fought for my marriage tooth and nail. I didn't cut and run when things were at their worst. I was a man of my word.

When my stbxw says something like "We are getting a divorce", I can rightfully correct her that, "No, WE didn't get a divorce. YOU divorced me". Heck, in my response to her Petition I asked for it to be dismissed (I knew it wouldn't be, but I wanted it legally stated, on paper, that I did not approve of the divorce).

I'm sure a lot of you will think this is stupid, but we are all our own men.

Maleficent-Bottle674 · 2024-08-20T17:01:37+00:00

I don't think it's a sense of duty. Because statistics show men generally do not do half of the child care or household chores and that's the barest minimum. So I'm not sure what duty they're doing.

By statistics a marriage for a man is him getting someone to pay half the bills, do most of the child care, and do most of the household chores with the bonus of likely having more sex than he would single. I'm thinking a lot of men stay due to the financial fallout as divorce is the only benefit to a marriage for a woman and convenience.

I'm not really seeing much duty men are performing in a marriage at least going by statistics.

northdakotact · 2024-08-20T16:27:59+00:00

Husbands stay cause for many of us divorce is financially pulling the trigger on a dynamite vest, if the financial consequences of divorce were not so severe, no marriage would survive. We would have a divorce rate of over 90%

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-08-20T16:23:28+00:00

As a general rule men suck at relationships, especially the relationship with themselves. Men will stay in an unhappy relationship while women in general will not. It is not out of a sense of duty, but out of a lack of self awareness and fear of being alone. Hence the huge disparity in who initiates divorce.

Women in general have a much larger support network and an identity outside of marriage whereas for most men work and the wife is all they have. Our buddies certainly don't have the emotional IQ to give any meaningful support.

The thought of being alone is scary for a guy. However if you master the art of being ok being alone then as a man you will be unstoppable. Most importantly break the cycle with your own sons and teach them to be in touch with their emotions.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2024-08-20T15:26:55+00:00

It’s not a sense of “duty”. It’s a lack of self love and self respect.

There exists no duty to abandon yourself and make any woman your sole purpose and focus. No matter how noble it makes you feel.

roman_erudite · 2024-08-20T15:07:30+00:00

No. I take pride in my dutifulness and responsibility. I hate that it got abuses, but I recognize that as the other party being malicious. I kept my word to the end.

Initially I did feel my principles and commitment were dumb and set me for failure but I realize now I was just being true to myself and probably wouldn't have liked myself otherwise. YMMV, but that's how I made peace with it.

DivorceTA1988 · 2024-08-20T14:45:07+00:00

All the times you decided to forgo time with family, friends or activities you enjoyed to keep the peace with her.

fishingforthought · 2024-08-20T11:14:16+00:00

So true, having honer and living up to your spoken words comes with a heavy burden.

No_Fold_1640 · 2024-08-20T06:16:34+00:00

As I get close to getting this paper work done, all I can think about is freedom, new women and new experiences.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I am Christian, and this is not right.

I just had convo with an ex today from 10 years ago, and she kept bringing up how she dreams of feeling intimacy with me again. The temptations are everywhere.

Is this a mid-life crisis?

Low_Fun_1590 · 2024-08-20T05:21:30+00:00

ThrowawayToAskHardQs · 2024-08-20T03:58:12+00:00

I am a Christian, and my view of marriage is pretty conservative. I'm really feeling disheartened because I know that the Bible tells me that my wife and I should reconcile. But her actions are anything but. Every day is a battle, where I just pray that God will take this from me. I am completely exhausted from five years of protecting her reputation, trying to grow myself, and fighting for our marriage. So in your analogy, my hardened heart is my prison, and I'm praying to be softened in this season...

twayevrynmeistkn · 2024-08-20T02:39:16+00:00

Fuck. I am little drunk and crying right now. Im feeling completely trapped in the feeling of being a failure for not making my marriage work. While also seeing that I cant go back. Theres a part of me that is glimpsing into a future where I am happy and wishing I had gone through this early. Though I still try to fight this in my heart. Your metaphor fits that.
I may be the guard of my own prison, but that guard may be close to losing his job. Its the worst experience of my life.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-08-20T02:02:31+00:00

Yes, yes and yes. This thread is on a roll today with relating posts.

I tolerated a toxic Barbie doll I met in college that I got pregnant out of wedlock. Got comfortable and loved my kid. Married/eloped when she was around 5 years old. In the back of my mind I kept hearing “don’t do it”, but I loved her and always will in a way. But we are just a bad match. Each year she got more toxic. Lost count how many times she’s put her hands on me for usually stupid reasons. She’s emotionally immature. But as a sense of duty and fear of judgment I stayed and was in denial of all the red flags in my marriage. I didn’t want to be seen as abandoning my kid, and hell even losing full time rights is and was scary. Also losing money was a big hurdle. I make almost 4x my wife’s salary. She also struggles to hold a job. I will be screwed financially. A healthy six figure job will feel like minimum wage here soon. Fml.

Title	Due to a sense of duty, some husbands are the guards of their own prison.
Author	No-Profit-1027
Upvotes	60
Comments	56
Date	August 20, 2024 1:51 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ewjlw6/due_to_a_sense_of_duty_some_husbands_are_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/due-to-a-sense-of-duty-some-husbands-are-the.1527780 https://theredarchive.com/post/1527780

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