I've realized that even in the most equitable relationships, someone usually wears the pants. Sometimes it's the man, sometimes it's the woman.

Whoever "wears the pants", the leader, has to act in a way that is very different than the follower. Most relationship problems seem to arise when someone wants to usurp the best of both roles in the relationship. Often this is when they talk about "accountability" and "nagging".

In Leader/Follower relationship,

The Follower gets to pick between leaders, complain if they don't like the leadership, or leave if their needs aren't being met.

  • Choice of Leader
  • Can Complain
  • Can Leave

The Leader gets the "final say", can review the followers behavior, and can find a better follower.

  • Choice of Lifestyle
  • Can Review
  • Can Dump

I'm starting to think that a lot of problems in relationships are due to people expecting to "have it all".

For instance, many people say—“complain”—they can’t hold a man/woman accountable—“review.” Complaining about wanting to review the other person means you’re acting like a follower, by complaining, while also wanting to be a leader, by reviewing.

Similarly, many people compare—“review”—that they can’t nag—“complain”—like their man/woman. Reviewing about wanting to complain to the other person means you’re acting like a leader, by comparing/setting standards, while also wanting to be a follower, by wanting to complain.

If you end up with "nagging" or "accountability" issues in your relationship you need to leave/dump the other person. Someone is trying to take over the best of both roles, which is not sustainable.

No one should expect to have the benefits of both roles.