This one is tough. My wife no longer feels romantic feelings for me and said she hasn’t since we had kids. So the better part of 14 years. That all of it was an act because she was just following a societal script. I mean, that leaves me with a pretty shitty feeling. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect or maybe it has been in its imperfection. But I was committed to her, to the relationship, to bettering myself, to bettering us. She’s questioning whether she wants to be committed to me, whether I’m the only one that she wants to be with, etc.

It actually explains A LOT. How when I got really anxious when last year she started meeting new people (for work) that something woke up inside her. I could feel her pulling away and she accused me of not supporting her. That I needed to get my anxiety under control. It was hard for me to support her when I felt her pulling away, which is totally understandable in light of today’s revelations. The anxiety that I’ve been feeling for the last year was entirely normal. There was nothing wrong with me. Any guy would feel this way.

I’ve tried all of the things to rekindle feelings ( trips, dates, touches, surprises, flowers, chocolate, comments, etc) and I’m happy to continue, but I’m just crushed that she’s been faking romantic feelings for so long. I mean that’s a pretty awful way to live for her. She says she loves me, but not romantically. She doesn’t desire me. I’m at a loss for how to proceed. She says she wants to separate. The internet says that 90% or so of all separations lead to divorce. My mom’s parents divorced and she’s still affected by it and she’s in her 80s. My parents divorced and I’m affected by it and I’m almost 50. I don’t want to divorce, but I also don’t want to hold this woman that I love dearly in captivity. The kids know what’s up and are already wanting to choose where to live.

I have people in my ear telling me to be patient. I have people in my ear telling me it’s just perimenopause. I have people in my ear telling me to lawyer up and file first. I have people in my ear telling me that she’s going to destroy me. I have her telling me that she won’t. She was THE person I turned to for everything, but I cannot turn to her for this. How can I trust her when she lied to me for most of our relationship about her romantic feelings for me? I was really sad for a while, but my sadness is turning to waves of numbness. I just want this to end, so I can focus on my kids and our collective healing and growing. And she can do what she needs to.