I know that a lot of guys here got cheated on, the wife left to go “find herself,” and in general were heartbroken when it happened. How many of us actually spent time in an abusive relationship where the female was mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive? I feel as though this is an unspoken about aspect of divorce. Whereas no one would question a woman on why she ignored the warning signs or why she stayed with a man who exhibited the same behaviors, the same grace is not given to men.

Granted, I never feared for my life, but I was manipulated, controlled, abused, belittled, and isolated from my family throughout our relationship. Once I realized I was in too deep (after I’d married her and we had our first child) I was scared to leave because of what I thought it would do to our daughter, what it would do to me financially and the fact that I had been raised Catholic, married in the church, etc…I bought into the fact that marriage is just misery for all men and anyone else who seemed to have a healthy supportive relationship was just hiding it as I was. I always put up a front but after the divorce I found that everyone knew. I never thought of actually divorcing her but I would secretly wish that she would just die-from illness or a car accident because that would be an “out” for me that, while traumatic for my children (who she abused and continues to abuse in the same ways) would allow me to start over.

Essentially she just got tired of me and left me for someone else. I was honestly relieved to be at least somewhat rid of her and not at all heartbroken that she left me. I was terrified of the custody and support battles and I mourned the fact that I no longer had an intact nuclear family, but I got through it. Her narcissistic tendencies and possible BPD ratcheted up significantly during the process and she put me through hell but four and a half years out I couldn’t be happier. Last night we had a big MDW cookout at my house with my new partner and both of our families. She had been married to the male version of my ex and had suffered the same kinds of abuse and alienation. She is loving, caring, supportive and everything I had been looking for the first time around but obviously did not find. She also makes significantly more than I do, needs nothing from me and supports her own household with nothing from her ex-not even child support.

In any event, since we have similar stories, we both agree that there is a HUGE double standard when it comes to men who find themselves in these situations. I don’t know what else to do about besides talk about it and admit that I was abused myself.