Maybe meeting for dinner is not a good idea for a first or second date?

passepar2t · 2019-05-27T13:03:25+00:00

I have never in my life dated a woman who wasn't cool with splitting the bill or taking turns buying rounds or one person buying food and the other buying drinks afterwards.

It didn't always work out to 50/50 and sometimes I ended up paying slightly more. Or slightly less. It doesn't really matter.

I don't know who are these archaic people who are stressed out by bill paying or insist that one party should pay for everything.

escapethesolarsystem · 2019-05-27T21:12:32+00:00

I've never done a dinner date in my life. I avoid them like the plague. Awkward as fuck. I just invite a girl along to do whatever I feel like doing at the time. If she's into me, she'll come, if she's not, she'll make an excuse. Nothing lost for me (I'll do my activity anyways) and no awkward "let's get to know each other", "we're on a date", and "who should pay?" conversations.

I can't believe people actually do dinner dates. Who invented that idiocy? "I'm doing a 12km hike to a nearby village / I'm going to a waterpark / I'm going to watch [movie name] / I just imported some habenero peppers from California, I'm going to make fish tacos and guacamole - want to come?" works so much better.

It's not like the girl won't figure out that I'm interested in her if we are doing something alone together. Girls are intuitive enough to know what's going on. If money is involved I pay, you can't invite someone (guy or girl) to do something that costs money with you and not pay. It's bad etiquette.

CamoWoobie10000 · 2019-05-27T12:54:19+00:00

I agree. My go to is either a walk in the park or coffee for a first date. Second date I'd be okay with taking them out to dinner. But I mean, I pretty much dont even go on dates. It's usually one of us going to the other's house or a hotel room and smashing as a first meeting. Dates just feel too formal and uncomfortable unless I already have known the girl for a while.

VoteLobster · 2019-05-27T18:20:15+00:00

I generally think dinner is too stuffy and formal for a first or even second date anyway, so I agree. Not because of the money stuff though.

The money, as a man at least, is a pretty easy dilemna to solve. Just... split the bill. If she gets offended, she's on some entitled princess shit and isn't dating material anyway, so no skin off your back.

If you just want to fuck her, well then sure, go ahead and pay. But idk, if you want a hooker you might as well get an explicit hooker.

When you start going out more then I don't mind paying because you can alternate, you know she's not taking advantage, etc..

The_Lone_Apple · 2019-05-27T13:06:43+00:00

First date: Gughenheim Museum to see an exhibit. We decided to get a bite to eat afterwards. We walked around talking about the art and then ourselves and it worked.

There's nothing wrong going to dinner. However, I subscribe to the etiquette rule that if I invite someone somewhere, I am paying. It's like inviting someone to my home. It is incumbent upon me to feed them and not ask them to bring food.

BigSnips · 2019-05-27T13:45:07+00:00

Coffee or drinks for first dates.

Gives you (or her) the flexibility to leave very quickly or stick around.

Second dates you can start to make more of a "plan" to spend some significant time together. A good rule is to not put too much emotional effort into anything until you've had sex.

Date 1: Coffee - Date 2: Mini putt and drinks - Date 3: Love making (lol) - Date 4: whatever

poppy_blu · 2019-05-27T13:32:54+00:00

There are infinite choices for anyone willing to put effort into thinking about it: museums, free concerts, free movies in the park, hiking and outdoorsy stuff, pet/kid play dates, tour a winery or brewery, and so on.

PaintingOfJoan · 2019-05-27T13:17:04+00:00

Just do what you want.

CainPrice · 2019-05-27T13:56:25+00:00

First dates should be drinks at a bar 5 minutes from one of your residences.

It's easy, inexpensive, and is almost more of a pre-date than an actual date. You know in an hour or less whether you want to have an actual date, whether you just want to go home to fuck, or whether you want to bail, and all you've spent is 10 bucks on a drink.

washington_breadstix · 2019-05-27T14:15:25+00:00

Go for coffee dates. Both of you can bail easily. Change venues if it goes well.

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T18:53:08+00:00

My sister won’t go on a hike or anything that has her be totally alone for the first date. She does coffee. They both pay for their own, even at expensive coffee houses it’s under $10,and then the second date is a dinner at a reasonably priced place, (she says nothing more then she would pay for herself anyways) again both paying and it’s decided and agreed ahead of time. If there is a third date it can be more involved or more expensive.

KFLOL · 2019-05-27T20:01:37+00:00

What I’d really like is to be rich enough to not care about things like this.

Willow-girl · 2019-05-28T04:50:02+00:00

I think if I were dating again (ghod forbid) I'd just invite him to come over and help me shovel out the barn. That would separate the men from the boys right quick!

celincelin · 2019-05-29T07:13:19+00:00

I’m similarly confused to all hell and further.

Most of the time you can’t even sit close to each other at those fancy dinner places, how in fuck do you touch and make out then?

How clueless should the man be, and how disinterested the woman, to waste time like that is beyond me.

Why not go have a coffee at any cozy place instead? It’s so cheap it doesn’t matter who pays, too.

Can anybody explain why do they go to restaurants and shit like that at all?

BlindingTwilight · 2019-05-27T12:58:22+00:00

No food before sex. Only eat dinner with girls you are already fucking. Don’t do movie or dinner dates ‘cept with your favourite plates

Eastuss · 2019-05-27T12:47:23+00:00

I provide the netflix, you provide the chill.

kandyapplez · 2019-05-27T16:56:56+00:00

Where I live the standard for a first date where you’re meeting each other for the first time is always “meet up at a bar and drink until you either feel comfortable making out or feel comfortable bailing”....and the guy covers the bill obviously. After the makeout happens you can get food, fuck, whatever. The second date is the “real official” date where the guy pulls out the flair, and again he will be paying lol

I’m not going fkin hiking or doing anything that’s gonna make me sweat on a first date lol

DaphneDK42 · 2019-05-27T13:28:34+00:00

meh. Who the fuck cares about the 40 bucks or whatever it costs to go to a restaurant. I like to be with pretty girls, I like to go out and eat. I'll gladly pay. Americans turn everything to shit with their politicization of everything.

wotsittoyou · 2019-05-27T13:46:31+00:00

I agree completely, said just yesterday when I do "first dates" it is never something extravagant we just walk around the park chatting, share a joint, maybe grab a snack/drink but no fancy meals that's for sure.

First date is for getting to know each other, if you take women out to a fancy restaurant you advertise yourself as BB anyway why do that?

Kino_Afi · 2019-05-27T14:39:27+00:00

I often pay for my friends' meals or spontaneously buy rounds etc. I'd never find myself on a date with someone i didnt already appreciate as a person/friend, so fuck the debate. I'll pay the bill. It feels good to do. And I do stress that there are never any strings attached when i offer something.

blackedoutfast · 2019-05-27T20:57:54+00:00

fuck no. you shouldn't be taking girls out on traditional style dinner dates to nice restaurants until after you've already established a serious relationship.

that's not how it works anymore. if you try to take a girl out to a nice restaurant and pay for her meal, that's going to tell her two things about you: 1. you're beta bux provider material and 2. you're very inexperienced/clueless about how things normally work in modern dating/relationships.

ideally you meet someone at a party or something like that, hit it off and hookup that same night. then if everything goes well you will start hanging out with each other and a relationship forms organically and then one day she starts asking "so what are we?" and then it becomes official.

if you do insist on going on "dates" keep it laidback and relaxed. just get a bottle of wine and some snacks and chill in the park on a nice day or something like that. bonus points if you bring one of those camping hammocks and string it up between two trees.

if you want to get food/drinks somewhere, again keep it lowkey. just go to some cool bar for happy hour or something and go to the bar area and share some apps and drinks. and instead of worrying about paying for the whole tab or splitting it 50/50 and all that just take turns buying rounds. you usually don't want to pay for the whole thing (bc again thats beta bux providerish) but don't get awkward or sperg out over an exact 50/50 split. if she pays for some of the tab, consider that a win.

pro-tip #1: it's better to move around to several different locations instead of just staying at the same place for the whole date.

pro-tip #2: don't refer to it as a "date" or "dating" in the early stages of a relationship. for a lot of people (esp younger people) "dating" implies a serious relationship, and if you start talking about "dating" to a girl you just met, it may scare her off. it's like if a girl started talking about marriage or kids on a first date.

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rebeccatwosocks · 2019-05-27T16:59:55+00:00

If it bothers you, just try to stick to something free and fun! Like you said, going on a hike is really fun too! But don't let such a small topic bother you so much. At the end of the date you aren't going to care who pays, just if you like the person and enjoy their time. And if you are afraid of doing the appropriate thing, tell your date or ask them what their opinions are about it. I promise it's not really as big of a deal as people make it. Splitting things 50/50 is typically more normal for things early on - unless you are really trying to impress them or vice versa.

flyinghorse1 · 2019-05-27T17:09:09+00:00

100% I just go out for drinks on the first few dates as its relaxed and you can both take it turn to buy rounds.

themoderation · 2019-05-27T18:04:14+00:00

Dinner is a boring date anyway. museums, zoos, aquariums, something you can engage in together to avoid any initial awkwardness while also still having the opportunity to get to know each other.

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T18:29:50+00:00

I would not suggest a vigorous hike on a first date. Imagine what kind of weirdo you might find yourself next to, way off the trail in the primeval forest with no one around. Pass. Meet at Starbucks like everyone else.

wotsittoyou · 2019-05-27T21:00:25+00:00

One-off exhibits or open days of various sorts are good, there's usually an entry fee but it is rarely expensive and if the person you are taking there has observations and opinions it will add to your enjoyment. Nothing wrong with taking a picnic either. Jogging if you know they jog. Try to keep the date to a location where there are other people about, a lot of people won't go off hiking with a stranger and that's sensible of them, there's a whole lot less chance of ending up dead in a ditch if you don't wander off down tracks with strangers.

[deleted] · 2019-05-28T09:24:15+00:00

(especially because i have never really thought much about eating out with a stranger, i would not feel very comfortable eating, i would be very nervous)

Yeah I had this problem when i first started dating. The first time i went out to eat with a chick i had nerves so bad i was literally shaking like some kind of ptsd victim. Now i just see it as getting to know someone.

Experience solves a lot of this shit. As you get older stuff like who pays doesn't matter as much. I might offer to split or I might pay the bill myself, but it's not some huge meaningful decision to me. Details do not matter, it's all about the vibe.

NeedingAdvice86 · 2019-05-28T14:09:10+00:00

I used to think this but honestly dinner became the date of choice because it gave our fathers, mothers and grandparents the chance to actually see if the two people could enjoy each other's company during the most mundane of activities. Which if we are being truthful is the reality of 95% of any relationship. I have come to view those other "dates" as crutches to attempt to distract from what the person feels uncomfortable with doing...usually feeling insecure that they aren't good enough on their own for the other person to find desirable. I do other "dates" early on but it is usually to test if the other person has the same interest or level of adventurous attitude, ie...I should never enter into a relationship with a girl who has a distaste for the outdoors at the beach, lake or skiing and whose adventures are hanging out exclusively at different clubs every weekend.

Being able to entertain each other over a dinner usually means that we are going to have fun doing just about anything or anywhere then the other dates test common interests and compatibility.

But I know that this can be extremely difficult for the under 23 set who ideas of social interactions are snap streaks and 'dating' for weeks using only text\IM.....having to look another person in the eye and carry your part of being together could freak you out, so maybe the distraction is unavoidable....then the other person gets confused as to whether they enjoyed the activity or the person.

CosmicBioHazard · 2019-05-29T11:40:32+00:00

I'd just pay for dinner anyway.

For what it's worth, I'm a guy, but supposing I was a woman, AND I was the one who invited said date out, I'd still pay, as the one who extended the invitation. In this hypothetical scenario I'd also be willing to take that initiative, male or female doesn't enter into it.

circlingldn · 2019-05-31T20:49:58+00:00

I'm 100% happy to pay for a dinner date if the girl is engaging and has taken a decent effort to make herself look sexy

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-05-27T15:34:36+00:00

If a man is into a woman, he wants to buy her dinner. He wants to impress her

GrumpyOldHistoricist · 2019-05-27T13:30:47+00:00

Back when I was dating around a few years ago pretty much all of my first dates were dinner. And just about all of them were smashing successes. Occasionally we’d do something else, but even then I’d pick up the tab.

It’s not an anxiety or conflict producing discussion if it’s just not a discussion. When it’s time to pay, just do it while matter of factly but warmly informing your date that you’ve got it. If she insists on helping, playfully say you might let her pay next time.

If she’s actually attracted to you, there’s actual chemistry, and the conversation is actually engaging this will almost always end the discussion. She’d rather go back to having an enjoyable conversation or thinking about what your dick might be like than bicker over who pays the check. And if she’s actually into the date, she’s concerned about not fucking it up and isn’t going to risk that by arguing over a small detail. So long as you’re not weird about paying it won’t really matter.

87AudreyHorne · 2019-05-27T15:16:12+00:00

I generally think its best to go to a pub (nothing cluby) for drinks together

diffdedbed · 2019-05-27T15:32:27+00:00

I don't think dinner is the best first date, its just the easiest for busy people, and that has nothing to do with money.

And as a man, you are foolish to split the bill if you do. This isn't about being beta bucks its marketing. People respond better to you, and will often give you more when you give something to them first. This has been studied experimentally. People given a small favor without obvious intention were given much more when asked for something in return.

The only downside is dinner is so cliche that it loses a lot of the "without obvious intention" side. If I were doing a first date, or blind date via an app, I'd meet at a popular bar, you can buy your own drinks there if you like or not, but after that getting to know you, invite her on a walk and then buy her ice cream or something like that, maybe a place for a dessert. You buy that one, say you had a great time, and depending on her level of interest you can either go for it that night or do the "I had a fantastic time, you are very interesting and fun, would you like to do activity I think you will enjoy it." (you already figured out what that activity was before).

Insead of whinginga bout being "beta bucks" use that shit to your advantage, dropping $20-40 dollars vrs a possible lifetime?

Now I'm assuming LTR here, this would work for pump and dump too of course, but I personally find such behavior basically bait and switch asshole. If its a ONS the rules are different for me.

[deleted] · 2019-05-27T15:39:27+00:00

Most of the dates I have been on, the women has insisted on paying half or has always offered to get rounds. There have only been the odd case where the woman has expected me to pay, I paid, but there was no second date. Im not setting the precident in dating that I pay for everything. To me, that is a major red flag (also this isn't olden times, women can and do work now, so the man is not the only one with money).

As far as first dates though, I would not do a meal, I would rather find a fun activity, also one that is cheap, as at that point I will not really know the person and to me the idea is to have fun and get to know them.

Skenry · 2019-05-27T17:26:36+00:00

Coffee or drinks are a good start. I like to hit up a comedy club / open mic night too, it's important to see what they laugh at early on.

I think the paying / splitting the bill is simply a new thing. I'm a guy and 47, it would never occur to me not to fully pay.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-05-27T18:22:03+00:00

Our first date was a walk in a park. It was free. We ended up making out on a picnic table. The 2nd date was a dinner at a cafe near his house. He paid. Third date was a Mexican restaurant. I paid. And so on.

Title	Maybe meeting for dinner is not a good idea for a first or second date?
Author	J_Milton_Jr
Upvotes	19
Comments	128
Date	May 27, 2019 12:45 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/btlm1a/maybe_meeting_for_dinner_is_not_a_good_idea_for_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/maybe-meeting-for-dinner-is-not-a-good-idea-for-a.255582 https://theredarchive.com/post/255582

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