Q4All: How did parental and other relationships you saw growing up influence your views?

Uncommon_Sense_12345 · 2018-07-10T18:27:08+00:00

Short version. I'm a decade older than my sister and twelve years older than my brother. When my sister was born it was over for me at age ten. My mom loved her so much more than me. From this I learned that there is no such thing as unconditional love.

Because I had to work as a teenager and babysit a lot, more like being a part-time nanny, I lost the desire to have kids because so much of my childhood and teen years were spent changing diapers, feeding, and babysitting in my teen years so mom could date.

My parents divorced when I was sixteen and that was the death blow to a carefree adolescent time. When not at school I was either working or watching my kids. Oops I mean siblings.

Nothing tragic really but losing my mom's love did such a number on me. She was just the first person to walk out of my life.

I know I was no longer loved because when I was sixteen I was robbed at work. The robber stood beside me with a box cutter blade in hand. I told my mom and she didn't care. Not a tear or "thank god you are okay" hug. I put on my uniform and went back to work as scheduled. She didn't care. Oh well.

She also didn't shed a tear when I had to go to the hospital for a potential overdose. It was an accident on a Sunday night. She drove me to the hospital but not before going to pick up a friend to ride with her.

My father was a hard man who you could never please so I tried to live up to his expectations but he kept changing the rules.

I guess you can say one parent didn't love me and the other parent only offered very conditional love.

If you read this, I know it shouldn't have bothered me but it did.

All the stereotypes about a mother's love just didn't hold true for me.

Nodoxxintoxin · 2018-07-10T18:37:47+00:00

My mom had 5 kids, 1 miscarriage and 1 abortion. After the abortion she got her tubes tied. She was not ready for or well suited for motherhood. It really wore her down and I think her life really never started until we were mostly out of the house. She did form a really tight bond with my youngest brother, I think the only child she really enjoyed since she was mid thirties and much more financially prepared when he came along. Plus he was a lot younger and she had four other kids to help watch him. She was a sahm AND worked, doing all the payroll and bookkeeping for the family business.

My father had a rotten temper and hit us kids with belts. If they had been born 20 years later, they probably would have divorced. Maybe if they hadn’t married so young and not had so many kids in rapid succession....they did love each other, but they both struggled to be good parents.

It definitely made me cautious about marriage and especially cautious about having kids. I married at 35 and never had kids. My mother never mentioned once that I should have kids, I think she was happy to see me childless.

I loved my parents anI know that they loved us, even though we often didn’t lIke each other. I would still give my left foot to see them alive for just a day again.

CatchPhraze · 2018-07-10T18:48:43+00:00

Raised by a single father I got to first hand see sexism against men in action. No baby changing stations in mens rooms, Urinals are often before the stalls meaning if a single dad has to march a young girl into the bathroom she's getting a hand held over her eyes. They aren't planned out well for children. People would stare at my dad if he waited at the park for me, or ask me if I was okay if i walked to the side of his truck to talk to him as I walked to or from school. He was always considered a threat, and very few programs exist to help single dads like single moms.

Now that I'm older I see the struggles men go through, and while I've also lived through the ones woman have to like street harassment and belittlement from men, I'm able to know that my struggles are not the only struggles.

My dad is a great man, but he was also into casual relationships, often with a couple of woman at a time. So I didn't really know most of his girlfriends very well. He didn't settle down to only having a single girlfriend until his fifties. They are pretty happy with each other, but seeing that I went the other way.

I'm a monogamist, met my dude and wanted to settle pretty early. I do have my dads view on marriage that it's a waste of money and too old-school, but I wouldn't want to date multiple people at once like he did.

Dantes_Remastered · 2018-07-10T18:49:09+00:00

My mother is BPD. My father was an alpha originally who eventually got it into his head that beta comfort is the way to get through to her. Obviously it didnt work. They divorced when I was 16. She's now on her 4th husband.

What this means is that I didn't have a positive relationship to look at all growing up. My mother effectively segregated us from our wider family (who are much more healthy). I was effectively brought up with female teachers who taught me to be a perfect high level beta drone. Women were pedestalised with a lack of early socialisation and blatant sexism.

It took a really long time for me to realise that women weren't what I had been raised to believe.

jax006 · 2018-07-10T18:19:47+00:00

Only things I can think of is my parents hated each other, I wish they had divorced. And I was always so awkward nerdy and in my own head during school, which set me up for some A+ social retardation with girls.

Also didn't help my mom worked at all the public schools I went to, following me from elementary-middle-highschool the entire time, so I always felt weirdly embarrassed cause she'd try to get involved in my social life and shit.

As sad as it makes my parents that they dont get to see or really talk to me anymore, things are better 3000 miles away.

PennnyLame · 2018-07-10T18:31:49+00:00

My mom is my dad’s second wife despite them both being v Catholic. They are very much in love and they were pretty clear on their beliefs that they were better parents if they put their marriage first. They always presented a united front in parenting and prioritized time with each other.

As I’ve grown older, I recognize that their relationship is passionate more than comfortable and I rejected that when looking for my SO. One of my sisters married a man she was passionate about and,while they are still married, I believe she could have picked an easier and more joyful path. My other sister married a man she met in high school (I was in elementary school at the time) and they used to bring me on dates as a chaperone and treated me like an extra kid once they got married and had kids if their own. Their relationship was always a model for what I wanted. They are best friends who laugh a lot and think the other hangs the moon. Their bond after all these years never fails to make me smile. I send them a thank you message on my wedding anniversary every year and their oldest daughter tells me she hopes she finds someone like my husband.

ElbowStrike · 2018-07-10T18:38:06+00:00

My parents got together in high school and have been married for over 42 years. Whatever combination of genetics and upbringing leaves me feeling like the entire dating and hookup scene has lost their minds and it's indescribably obvious how a dating scene based primarily on finding a long term partner would be much better for most individuals and society in general.

toronto87 · 2018-07-10T18:16:59+00:00

My parents and elder sisters (and then some teenage girls I knew) basically accidentally red pilled me. My mom was pretty brazen about admitting that she married my father for his productive capacity and not because he was hot, and advising me to work on essentially becoming billy beta at 30. She also told my only high school girlfriend that I'm the type of guy you marry at 30 when you've finished having fun and want to settle down and entrap someone to work for you.

I also had several female friends that I orbited in high school/university that were over the top brazen about admitting to AF/BB, hypergamy, feminism as a sexual strategy/strategy to acquire power.

Eventually when I stumbled across TRP/Practical Female Psychology for the practical man it was basically just "Well, this is literally what women in my life have straight up been admitting that they do and are currently doing so, I guess that's how it is".

And there ya have it. Fuck bitches, get money.

petrichordium · 2018-07-10T18:26:18+00:00

Many of us like to believe our views spring forth solely from intellect or direct personal experience, but as i get older and get involved with more people i feel like our formative relationships influence us way more than we like to admit. So how did the relationships modeled to you start the path that ended with you arguing with strangers about the nature of romance between the genders? I’ll go first.

So anyway, why are YOU so messed up? I’d encourage people to be honest and vulnerable even if it doesn’t put your abstract opinions in the best light.

Woooosh where to even start!?! Lol.

Okay so my mom concieved me while she was cheating on her ex husband (which all came about in another really fucked up way). I never had a relationship with her first husband though since they divorced shortly after I was born and just after coming to the US. I didn't know about the other man till I was in college, and at that point what did it matter? Whats the difference between one strange man and another?

My mom moved in with my step dad shortly after that and he has been the only dad I've had as far as I'm concerned. It's a shame he's a total asshole though. He's like 20 years older than my mom, been married idk, 4 or 5 times, literally has international litters of kids. But my parents have been together almost 30 years, so there's something to be said for try, try, try, again.

The kicker is since they both immigrated to the US from different countries, they just speak bad English at each other all the time. It's pretty hilarious watching them argue actually. But it's probably the main reason I laugh when people say communication is key.

yasee · 2018-07-10T18:12:57+00:00

my parents got ugly-divorced when I was a young kid. I'm not super introspective about these things but I've always assumed that some of my reluctance to commit came from living through that

I was also a bit of an edgy anti-feminist in my teens-to-early-20s but I'm not sure how or if that connects

lalabats · 2018-07-10T18:46:38+00:00

My parents like to refer to me as the "had to baby". Because my mom got pregnant, they had to get married. My mom was a 24 year old ex party girl, and my dad was a 31 year old body building protestor when I was born. They met at my moms bachelorette party to another man and hooked up, resulting in me. While they were getting their lives together, I spend the vast majority of my time with my moms parents and well as my dads mom. Both are VERY traditional hispanic households, and I was loved immensely. Once my parents had settled, I went to live with them full time. By now they had calmed down completely and had a house, land and careers. I was again loved immensely but differently since my parents were WAY more liberal than any of my grandparents. They employed a very strict "access to everything" rule with me. Where I was given access to every book in the house, no matter the material, as well as movies and TV shows. When my sister was adopted and my brother born 9 months later my mom became a SAHM and it was fantastic. She really shined in that role and remained in it untill my youngest sister(adopted when I was 12) entered 3rd grade. Now she works again and my younger siblings who are all still school age beg her to quit working again. In short, being raised in my formative years by hyper traditionalist Gparents, then by my liberal parents has left me with an odd mix of traditional and liberal beliefs. My Gparents raising and seeing how myself and my siblings thrived when my mother was a SAHM, has shown my husband and I that a more traditional family is what we would like to have.

Edit: My parents have since been married for 24 years (I'm 23), have 4 kids, and are genuinely happy together.

Eartherry · 2018-07-10T20:43:32+00:00

My dad left my mom when I was four. She had been in the military before I was born working on heavy grade machinery. After that she got a job in the mechanics division of our local transit line. She would come home every night covered in motor oil but would still walk out of the house the next day dressed like a lady.

Since she had to work so often I barely saw her growing up. I spent my time mostly watching television. I remember specifically that I Love Lucy would sometimes make my blood boil when I saw Lucy taking orders from Ricky. I thought," Why is she letting him talk that way to her? That's her husband, not her father!" I watched a lot of shows from that time period that portrayed, even said out loud sometimes, that a woman wasn't suited for this or that. It would really piss me off. Though it would sometimes make me so grateful that I didn't live in a world where a woman couldn't be in the military or be a mechanic.

I learned to never be dependent on a man. Always have a Plan B. If he leaves no one will blame him, they'll blame her for not immediately going out and shopping for a new father for her children. Otherwise, her children will be labeled as broken, less than, without a second thought. This world isn't kind to women. It doesn't matter how good she tries to be. Better to live her life by her own rules than play a game she's not supposed to win.

Texastentialism · 2018-07-10T18:43:01+00:00

My mom and dad got married at 19 and 20, respectively, after knowing each other for about a year. They were both raised in the same very conservative church (there are two branches of said church; my dad was raised in the fundamentalist one, while my mom was raised in the more "liberal" one). While they were very religious, they both had (and still have) a bit of a rebellious/stubborn streak, especially my dad. They were an adorable couple; my mom was knockout gorgeous and my dad was the very handsome lead singer of a band.

My parents have a HHL relationship dynamic which meant there was a LOT of conflict growing up. I don't think there was any physical violence (although frankly it wouldn't surprise me from either end), but it was tumultuous to say the least. There were also a lot of external stressors that were out of their control and put additional strain on their marriage for many years.

I'm the youngest of three, and my closest sibling is 7 years older than me and moved out when he was barely 17. So from the time I was 10, I was the only kid in the house and often felt like it was my job to mediate or keep the peace between my constantly fighting parents. I've always been closer to my mom and saw her as the victim of my brash, out-of-control dad, but as I've gotten older I've come to recognize the part she played in the conflict.

I don't think it's overstating it to say that my parents hated each other when I was growing up. My dad would sometimes leave for days or weeks at a time. He cheated, did drugs, crashed cars and racked up gambling debt. When he was home, my mom made him miserable. Conflict resolution skills were nonexistent. But they never divorced, both because their church teaches that it's a sin and because my mom, a child of divorce herself, would die before she'd let that happen to her own marriage. I used to wish they would divorce just so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. At worst they were constantly at each other's throats; at best they lived like roommates.

But crazily enough, in the last 5 or 6 years my parents (in their early 60s now) have both mellowed out, made up and, I think, fallen back in love with each other. It's been one of the most mindblowing, unexpected and truly joyous experiences of my life to watch their relationship become what it has over the last few years, and I can honestly say that I'm glad they never split up because I can't imagine either of them being happier with anyone else than they are with each other now.

So, a few lessons were learned from that. One, I never wanted to be a woman like my mom, and I never wanted to marry a man like my dad. I love them both dearly and I wouldn't trade the parents I have for anything; all things considered, they were fantastic parents, the problems in their marriage notwithstanding. But my mom was the cause of a lot of her own misery, and my dad is the kind of man who would make me absolutely miserable to live with. I spent my entire young dating life avoiding guys like him.

Two, I learned that sometimes it really is worth it to stick it out with one person, and that hard times can sometimes last for 10 or 20 years, but that doesn't mean they'll last forever. That's not to say I don't condone divorce or think it's justified when people are truly miserable in their marriage. But I think there is something to be said for sticking it out with one person, even if it means being unhappy for a while, and coming out the other side stronger and closer for it.

belletaco · 2018-07-10T18:43:57+00:00

My parents were a mess and I've never been close to my older siblings - at most I feel like this relates to my issues with affection. I've been told I'm very cold (:

Other than that, the most influential relationships for me growing up were my friendships. They protected me from a lot of the crap at home and always made me feel supported and loved. Because of this, my female friendships are very important to me and I've managed to prioritize them throughout my life. I talk to my 8-10 closest friends 5-6x a week and my siblings/dad maybe once a month lol

philomexa · 2018-07-10T19:00:43+00:00

My dad was 25 years older than my mom, who for all intense and purposes, was a mail order bride. They were both immigrants and came from wildly different cultures, however they had a happy tradcon-ish marriage, and my dad really exemplified the idea of a gentle patriarch (and my mom, the deferential matriarch).

He retired when I was born and took on about 60/40 of the child rearing when I was around 5 or 6. He bank rolled my mom's education all the way up to her PhD (she went on to have a fancy career in education). Despite the inverted roles, he commanded a lot of respect in and outside of our household. My mom was infatuated with him and submissive, but I've picked up her habit of muttering whenever I feel that particular brand of wifely annoyance.

They still had passion for each other, it was evident by their day to day physicality. They joked, they dance, they drank wine and went on adventures with me and without me. When I was 14 my parents pull me out of school early so the 3 of us could backpack through Europe for 4 months, it was actually an amazing time. They were free spirits/free thinkers, but grounded in gendered reality.

I feel like my home life was happy, safe, and loving.

As a result I have a pretty good concept of self and won't tolerate a lot of BS from a man. My parents hammered into my head a sense of worth and dignity, ergo, I didn't mess around with fuck boys, the cock carousel, "dating", or anything that could reflect badly on my character (and by extension my parent's honor). I always knew I wanted a strong-happy marriage like my parents had, and my mom took particular care to tie the idea of Good Girl reputation to marital satisfaction. My mom was also keen to teach me girl game, or at least the importance of looks. As a result I have pretty high standards for physical appearance (mine as well as my husband's).

Thankfully none of these lessons were drenched in religion, so my sexuality was free to blossom without any subversive guilt.

However the downside is that I'll get freak nasty in a relationship, but I have no idea how to navigate sex as a single person. Like if I lost my husband, I'd have no idea what to do on the dating scene. I can't even fathom making out with someone and not have that launch into an LTR. Casual anything repulses me to my core.

Also the idea of dating a much older man makes me want to vomit, because it literally reminds me of my father. My dad was a good guy, and my mother was happy, but I absolutely do not want to recreate that aspect of my parent's marriage.

Since I've had a child, I'm increasingly aware of just how similar my husband and father are. On the surface they seem wildly different, but their attitude, means of loving, and means of child rearing are ridiculously in tune with one another. When I married my husband at 20, I had no idea he would be so much like my father in that regard, but maybe there was some subconscious signaling I was attracted to.

In any case, I've had a pretty charmed life; inoculated from a lot of financial stress and marital drama. I also got first row view of unchecked AWALT/prole/alpha fucks problems in the form of my female thot cousin and mandingo nightmare male cousin. Both have made and continue to make poor decisions regarding finances, choice of baby momma/baby daddy, unchecked hypergamy, teen pregnancy, child support shakedowns, illegitimate kids, etc. My cousins are in their 40's and having nothing to show for it other than a string of divorces, bastard kids, knocked up fat white women (male cousin), and a carousel of lame-o's trying to get with my female cousin (despite her eternal love for an ex-con that left her for...wait for it...a fat white woman).

So in addition to my parent's blueprint, I was also "scared straight" by the sort of lifestyle my cousin's we're living.

TRP/MRP horror stories feel very alien to me, despite knowing (via my cousins) that such a worldview? lifestyle? exists.

ETA: my mom was my dad's 2nd marriage, prior to her he was married for 20 years and had 3 kids. Strangely enough my half siblings never really factored into my (our) lives besides a few visits here and there. If there was tension between my half siblings and my mom and I, I never noticed it. We're all on reasonably good terms; I think because my dad's divorce was amicable, and done after the first set of kids had left the house. We're not close, but we care enough to check in over the holidays or maybe host one another if we're in town.

xKalisto · 2018-07-10T21:43:11+00:00

It's a minor thing but young elementary kids here often have a brunch food, like a simple sandwich or something for the 30 min break. And I always wanted those and even asked mom but my parents didn't have time or whatever to prepare those, so I was snacking on pretty unhealthy food from shop.

But the thing I minded the most was that I didn't have that homemade sandwich.

This have led me to be determined to want to really spend time on my kids and make them homecooked meals and just be a mom (and wife) that is there for them so that they don't have to feel the same disappointment I did over that sandwich.

I guess it made me more inclined towards homemaking. I was ready to do it while working but thanks to my husband I got to be a SAHM, so I just hope it will all work out for us.

I guess we'll see how I'll do when this baby is born in few weeks.

lucky_beast · 2018-07-10T23:14:24+00:00

My parents have a good marriage in that their relationship is good for them. My dad is very laid back and indirect, my mom is very energetic and opinionated. So all growing up it was my mom making every decision and my dad being along for the right.

My dad has always respected my mom, never bad mouths or complains about her even when we kids (as adults) ask how they get along. My mom has never disrespected or belittled my dad in front of us even once in 30-ish years. I've seen her verbally demolish people for speaking about my dad in a way she deemed disrespectful, including members of his family.

That said looking at their marriage has never made me think "if only I could find a love like that" or "that's the kind of marriage" I want. Although it did make me appreciative when I saw friend's parents where one spouse was constantly terrorized or belittled by the other.

The only take away I have is that a successful, loving, long term marriage is possible although I am skeptical of how likely.

edit: Thinking more about it one thing about there relationship I do want in my own is that they have always been 100% on the same page, on the same team always. There was never any way to try and play them off each other. You couldn't ask one and then go ask the other if they said no. If one of them made a decision they wouldn't contradict the other no matter what. On the rare occasion my dad did feel the need to put his foot down there was never as much as a peep out of my mom, his word was law. I've never once seen my mom challenge my dad about one of his decisions.

Willow-girl · 2018-07-11T02:57:21+00:00

My parents hated each other and weren't too fond of my either. I got the hell out of there just as quickly as I could!

I have never been willing to settle for an unhappy marriage.

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lefactorybebe · 2018-07-10T19:14:50+00:00

My parents are normal as shit. They married in the 80's, had me and my sister in the 90's, and are still together today. They modeled a perfect relationship for me. They truly do love each other, and really provided an outstanding example of a healthy relationship. They stayed together through my dad's job loss, and through my mom's cancer scare (she's fine, no cancer). They stayed together when they were younger despite my maternal step-grandmother's wishes, and stayed together twenty years later when she made their lives hell again. They still love each other, and still have sex (found my dad's Viagra when they visited a couple weeks ago.....one of the worst moments of my life). They gave my sister and I the most idyllic, UMC, americana, upbringing, and have supported us in everything we've done. Theyve really given both of us a perfect example of a successful relationship.

My mom had a roughish upbringing. My grandfather and biological grandmother had her when they were 16. My bio grandma was batshit, and locked my infant mother in a drawer to try and suffocate her. My grandfather came home and found her, took my mom, and left. When my mom was around 3 or 4 he married my step-grandma, and she decided that she wasn't ready for a young kid yet, so my mom was shipped off to be raised by her grandmother. When my mom was around 11 she went back to live with my grandparents. My grandma was extremely strict, and I believe she harbored resentment against my mom for existing. When she found out that my mom and my dad had had sex (before marriage, but when they were in their 20's and both living on their own) she cut contact with my mom for a year. When they were engaged, she tried to manipulate my mom to call it off, as she didn't approve of my dad (my dad is Jewish and my mom is Catholic).

So she didn't have a good time growing up, and she rarely had a good female role model. My mom has risen above all of this and has really been the most incredible mother to my sister and I. She's always been kind and fair, incredibly supportive, and very loving. I get the sense that she's always just wanted a perfect family because her's was so lacking. I think she wanted to give us everything she didn't have growing up, and she's certainly accomplished that.

BirdManBrrrr · 2018-07-10T20:26:18+00:00

Grew up in a fairly religious, Americanized old school European tradcon home; mom was a SAHM and my father was a typical worker bee. Good loving family, bla bla bla.

Mom ran the family and most of my formative years were around mom, my grandmothers, or extended family "aunts". Always in the presence of a woman somehow, not much man stuff. Dad was involved with sports and stuff like that but most of my time was with the women. I got rewarded and praised for acting like the women wanted me to act.

My father--telling me this as my marriage was falling apart--decided early on his role would be to go "provide for the family and let your mother do everything else". It didn't help his MIL was bipolar and drama queen who always would start some shit with my mother; he decided to stay out of their way. He essentially was and became a Nice Guy^TM, semi-frustrated, passive, martyr-type...albeit with the best of intentions. He was certainly honorable, reliable, hard working, etc but there was always a seething resentment bubbling below the surface. Growing up and into adulthood I modeled this exact behavior in my LTRs; I thought it was my job to provide and do nice things that needed doing and I'd be rewarded for that by the women I was with. When I wasn't, the bubbling resentment would periodically explode in some sort of hissy fit.

why are YOU so messed up?

That's what made good LTR and husband material, right? Do what the women wanted, or even do what they didn't ask for but needed done? Wasn't demonstrating my good guy, provisioning behavior enough to get me love, affection, and sex? Clearly not.

The book No More Mr. Nice Guy was like reading a psychoanalysis of myself and my father. Covert contracts, putting everyone else's needs first then blowing up with pent-up frustration over it all...totally me and totally my father.

allieggs · 2018-07-10T20:38:42+00:00

My parents have been unhappily married for 28 years, since they were both 21 and too young to know what either of them really wanted. They’re both horrible to each other, and don’t match each other well at all. My mom is extremely controlling and constantly accuses my dad of cheating. She’s dealt with every form of trauma that you could ever imagine, has an extremely warped sense of what’s normal and they come from a culture where wealthy men often cheat as a status symbol. My dad is a control freak with anger issues. They have nothing in common, and are only still married because they found evangelical Christianity much later into their marriage. They didn’t realize that they didn’t really have anything to connect over because when they dated they didn’t really spend enough time together to know how the other felt about the things that mattered. They don’t regret anything now but I know if they could redo their lives they wouldn’t have gotten married.

As for me, I’m very monogamously minded and if I’m going to date at all I want long term commitment with someone I see as an equal who feels that way about me. If the guy I’m with now ends up being the only one I ever have I don’t think I would mind. But I’m a little more wary of marriage as an institution. I wouldn’t do it without a rock solid foundation and definitely not as young as they did. And their marriage is full of examples of what not to do.

Dubslav_von_Chekem · 2018-07-10T20:57:50+00:00

I bullshit around about marriage being the best thing for men and their children, but I would say the same thing even if all the data screamed the opposite because marriage is a sacred and inviolate thing for my caste. Growing up in a world where divorce was a nonentity and marriage universal makes it hard to accept anything else as real, and certainly not as moral.

Pope_Lucious · 2018-07-10T21:25:56+00:00

I saw good relationships from my grandparents and people from their generation:

-Roughly balanced but asymmetric roles in the family, both core and extended.

-Always were a unit when in front of children. No selfish drama and bullshit when the kids were around.

-A focus on stability.

-A clear sense of duty to each other.

-Demonstrated shared values at public events like going to church.

I saw the worst from people in my parent’s generation (Boomers into Gen X):

-No effort put to stabilize routines for their children.

-Openly complaining about the other spouse in front of their kids.

-Among friends, always shitting on their wives/husbands.

-Completely different values between spouses.

-Drugs and general life dysfunction.

-Complaining about their children’s behavior while taking no action to correct it.

-Divorce seemed common.

This made me really jaded about marriage and even relationships generally. Marriage seems to be just glorified dating in our modern culture. People love their football teams, political ideologies, and video games more than their families.

[deleted] · 2018-07-10T21:38:26+00:00

My parents got together as teenagers and actually lasted 15 or so years together before I came around. He wanted a kid (boy) and she didnt want one. Compromise- she had one. 8.5 months in they realize Im a girl and it’s too late to abort me. My father tells me to this day how he sat outside the hospital and cried while stuffing food in his mouth because his life is a disaster.

I was born and they werent happy. My dad did drugs and abused me and my mom and my mom was resentful for having a kid she didnt want. Divorce happens in kindergarten and my mom, for a little while, becomes a boss. She works and does her thing for a few years. My dad does the same shit to multiple other women. My mom eventually broke down when I was about 11 or 12 and decided raising a kid wasn’t for her and openly hated and abused me. She didnt pay bills or make sure I had insurance. My father had another child (a girl) and he LOVES her. He told me that his dog deserves to eat before I do last I talked to him. Obviously, he isn’t supporting me.

Long story short, the only marriage I want is to the money. I busted my ass to get to where I am. My father gets a shit ton of money from the government from having strokes from all of the drugs and my mom lives off her mom. She openly brags about how she will live off me when my grandma passes.

I feel like men want sex and women want money and that’s the way life works. I will never be the SAHM or porn star men babble about on here, but I will never be a gold digger either. I dont fit into any of the “pills” per say. If anything, I relate most to MGTOW.

The end.

DXBrigade · 2018-07-10T22:26:37+00:00

My parents aren't married but they have been together for more than 30 years. They probably don't have sex anymore but they look happy. One of my brother died a long time ago. My dad also have four kids from a previous marriage that I never met. Their relationship never had any bad influence on me,however their education did. They are the type of parents who wouldn't let their 20 years old daughter go to a party. So I grew up to be pretty sheltered and became a late virgin.

Raii-v2 · 2018-07-10T23:25:09+00:00

My parents had me out of wedlock but not accidental (?) Long story short my parents dated for a while before my dad was like I’m never getting married which was a hard limit for my mom. She left and got married to some guy who died from cancer within the first two years of marriage. She and my dad hooked back up afterwards and she pressed for a kid. Eventually she got one.

My dad was a player so when my mom found out about his sidepiece (while being super preggo) it was the death sentence to their romantic relationship. All this being said both of my parents were amazing at raising me. I spent most/all my weekends with Dad and weekdays with mom. Moms hectic work schedule would keep her out late, so once I got old enough to care for myself we ditched the babysitters. I learned to be self sufficient and cook for myself around this time.

When I hit high school she sent me to live with him my little brother, and my stepmother (who hated my guts for existing. (Think John snow and whatsherface stark) During this time I learned a lot about how to be a man in relation to having a woman by watching them interact. He is hoh and stubborn af, but never stoic and never afraid to show his love for me or my brother.

I guess this manifests in the sense that I have trouble with monogamy to the sense where I’m upfront about not promising it. Who knows where that will lead in the future.

petrichordium · 2018-07-10T23:39:12+00:00

my parents met when they were in their late 20s, both engaged to other people at the time. they fell madly in love, left their partners and married after knowing each other for 3 months. moved to the other side of the world and started a family. mum was sick for most of my childhood/adolescence, so was a SAHM out of necessity. she was never a career woman anyway, before she got sick she worked as a bookkeeper. we had a very typical patriarchal home. dad was always in charge, and while he had a serious temper on him, he was always driven by love for us. he took his job of looking after us all very seriously. my parents adored one another, and were very forward with showing it. neither of them would allow anything negative to be said about the other, and i think that bred a lot of respect in the house. complaining about mom to dad or vice versa was a huuuuge no-no in our house.

i was super lucky to grow up in such a stable home. i think it's left me a little naive about relationships, because marital breakdown was just never considered as an option. even when my parents argued it never felt like something that could break up the family. my husband had the opposite experience growing up, and it shows in the way we approach our own relationship.

PhotosyntheticChad · 2018-07-11T00:01:31+00:00

It taught me that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze and why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

There’s only sanity in solitude. Other people only let you down.

dankytank · 2018-07-11T00:37:25+00:00

My upbringing was very liberal compared to some stories here and it feels like people in this sphere are waiting to hear about how it failed, but emotionaly I'd say it was very succesful. I had a very care free childhood, my parents (my father especially) were pretty laid back, women in my family tended to be educated and worked, gender roles weren't strictly enforced and neither was religion tho we identified as catholics. My dad raised me in my teens (mom passed) and a moment that sticks out for me was when we were talking while fixing something in the car and the conversation shifted and he told me something like 'when you're older and you have your own relantionships I want you to be happy'. Nothing about locking me in my room or beating up any boys who liked me, just accepting happily that I was going to date and it was a normal progression in life. Way to go Dad!!! Contrast this with my friends who had super protective parents, plottwist/s, they dated (some really shitty dudes I'll add) and the rift between them and their parents still exists. I consider myself a daddy's girl, but not in the spoiled rotten sense where my dad does and buys everything for me, it means that I look up to my father and try my best not just for my sake but to also bring him joy. In fact, everyone in my family was very nice to me, I was always praised and treated as a special child and as an adult I feel that that love might have changed but hasn't wavered. I see both men and women as equally capable of good and bad. I advocate for empowering women and femininity, but I'm also very loyal to the men in my life and I want to see them be free and healthy. I dislike violence, and would never expect a man to put himself in harms way for me. Men in my life are goofy, hard working, fun loving, accident prone and most of all well intentioned and this last one is a standard I hold any man I'm dating up to. All in all I'd say my family was very feminist in the best sense, women took up a lot of space and the women in my family are hella smart, but also responsible and stood by the men. Marriages tend to be pretty stable in my family, the two divorcees that come to mind are currently on their second marriages and doing very well, their first marriages were probably to rushed imo. In the end, if my family has taught me anything it's work hard, have fun with the people you love and who love you, be kind, be polite, but take no shit.

cxj · 2018-07-11T01:26:52+00:00

My mom was an AWALT and my dad was a strong leader at work but beta af at home and in his marriage. Ofc he got treated like shit . I learned a lot from my mom about female nature and love her even tho she’s crazy

planejane · 2018-07-11T01:34:37+00:00

My parents both had sort of tragic dating histories before they met each other. My mom was widowed in her mid-20s (I think her first husband was more likely the "love of her life" than my dad) and my dad's college girlfriend of 6y died in a car accident when he was in Veterinary school.

My mom is BPD and was a bit of a wild child in high school and college; my dad was a high-beta who was both "Cowboy Joe" (the Kansas version of prom king) as well as MVP of his small town basketball team and class president.

(I should note for you coastal folks, this is not as big of a deal as it appears; he graduated with less than 80 kids, and in many Midwestern high schools even today, EVERYBODY is involved in EVERYTHING because otherwise the school wouldn't have sports teams or clubs or anything. He was something of a big fish in a small pond.)

Both my parents were in a frat/sorority at their respective schools, but my mom was more of a social chair while my dad was the academics officer and drove around picking up his drunk frat brothers and being the "good boy."

They met actually due to my mom's dead husband; my dad had moved out of state and started a fledgeling veterinary practice, and my mom brought in the cat her husband had given her shortly before he passed. Dad asked Mom out, 6mo later they were engaged. I was the first of 6 kids to come along in the next 11y.

I think my parents have something of a marriage of convenience; my mom has been unstable from day 1 and my dad uninvolved, but they both wanted a family and to fill traditional gender roles. My dad is very Catholic and while my mom isn't religious, she's still conservative, and although when she's off her meds and crazy she throws around "divorce" left and right, they both know neither of them would ever pull the trigger on it. Both of them also have been loyal throughout their 30y together as well; he would never stomach the thought of straying and she couldn't keep it a secret if she did. (She also has always been more than comfortably open about their sex life with us kids--and I say that as somebody with a very vulgar sense of humor myself.)

Growing up, us kids didn't really think there was anything irregular about our situation until we each eventually got into high school. Dad went to work for long hours (it paid off, he now has two practices as well as several different rental properties) and Mom stayed home and managed the kids and the house. From the outside it was a Testament to Marriage 1.0 in a 2.0 world.

Inside, it was chaotic and unstable. Mom was highly volatile and Dad was more involved with work or the Catholic Church than he was with raising us. She would get physically violent towards him and later me and my brother, and destructive towards the house, after which she'd check herself into the hospital for "exhaustion." Dad could just fix it with money and keep the gears turning. That's more or less the dynamic they've kept up through today.

As us kids have gotten older and moved out, the volatility of our home lives has affected us in different ways. For a long time my mom was also the queen of triangulation, and us kids learned to distrust each other as well as them. I rebelled and spent more and more time away from home. My sister following me became something of a control freak-she was pretty and popular in school but never brought friends home or introduced us to boyfriends until after college. My first brother also rebelled, even more than me-he had lost his license for MIPs and DUIs before he was 19 and did not graduate college until 26, now he's in mortuary school. My second brother again took a route of extreme control and introversion, and followed my dad in his devotion to Catholicism. The two youngest girls are still at home so it's hard to say how it will affect them in the long run.

My sister never really had a problem dating; she married a very kind and religious Dentist last year and seems to be following more or less the same path as our parents, but thankfully with a much more level head on her shoulders than my mother. A and I have gotten much closer in our late twenties, especially after several long talks about how crazy things were growing up. My BIL was actually instrumental in this; A could no longer shield him from family interaction once they got to talking about marriage, and after he witnessed one of my mom's blow-ups, he impressed upon her how abnormal the whole situation really was, and it got easier for her to acknowledge what we went through as kids and how it affected us.

My brothers both struggle with dating in their own ways; the rebellious one is passionate and a dreamer but also demanding at times, and while he's dated a bit here and there, he always seems to be disappointed with the reality of whomever he's with cause it doesn't match the fantasy. He's probably the most like my mother in temperment but now that he has cut way back on the alcohol, thankfully the resemblance is less. My second brother reminds me of some of the incels' mentality. He longs for a day when women were as chaste and pure as he is, and believes the only way to be is Straight and Narrow. While he's got a wicked sense of humor, he's quiet and shy and it doesn't surprise me he struggles.

When I got out of the house and started dating, I was determined not to be my mother, and instead became something of a doormat. That didn't work out well for me, so I found a happy medium, taking what I'd learned from both of my parents. I'm still much more independent than most of my siblings, but I try not to be demanding or entitled. Dating as a result was hard in some ways; I'm not as openly submissive or deferential which pushed some men away, but I don't make my SO play guessing games or read my mind either. It took me a long time after college to find a guy who met my standards, but he finds me an astonishingly easy girl to be with (in his words), because I say what I need and I'm patient with what I want.

I don't blame either of my parents for how things turned out, but looking back I'd never have made the same choices as either. My mom's brain is irrational and demanding; she totally lacks self-awareness and she's the perfect example of a woman totally lacking in agency, as TRP likes to claim is the case with ALL women (it's not, but she's a good example of when it is true). My dad has a much more level head, but due to his religion and temperment, he sacrificed his children's well being for his idea of a godly life and a good business. At times he was intentionally clueless as to what my mother was up to, and he sought more to control the fallout than to address the issue.

As we've matured and left the house, I think the dysfunctional dynamics have returned to haunt them. My mom has quieted down some in her years and ill health, and seems (finally) to feel some level of remorse for the hell she put us all through. My dad has seen his kids grow up and leave home one by one, and it kills him a little each time, but he never took the steps to ensure we felt comfortable and wanted to be at home and instead refuses still to address exactly how chaotic things could be when we were all still young.

I learned many things about how crappy Marriage 1.0 could be, and as such I have no interest in it. Both parties are basically stuck with all the terrible, awful things each other could come up with, and nobody really has much of a choice. Neither do I like the idea of marriage 2.0, where nobody is responsible for the well-being of their partner or beholden to any kind of loyalty at all. My SO is actually more interested in getting married than I am (he thinks he's hit the jackpot for some reason!) but at the end of the day, it's what you make of it-what you're willing to give on and what you're not willing to accept. My parents gave me poor examples of both.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-07-11T01:57:11+00:00

Interesting. I guess I disagree with your perspective but whatever. Although that's sweet of you to say about a woman at the end. Loving sex, looking good, and being smart are important. But so is being kind.

I think your mother would have been unhappy as a career women. Women are unhappy as a result of cognitive dissonance, I think. Anyway.

As for me. I used to be messed up. I still slip up here and there. I witnessed not so great a marriage. There was fighting. There was tears. There was a lot of shit. It fucked me up. For a few years....then I grew up and got over it.

reluctantly_red · 2018-07-11T03:58:32+00:00

In a few weeks my mom and dad will have been married for 55 years. They're still in love. I never once doubted their love for me or my brothers. My dad worked full time until he was 78 and is probably the most honest person I've ever met. My mom never strayed. The only downside of this is that I grew up totally unprepared for the Machiavellian aspects of our world.

[deleted] · 2018-07-11T10:59:52+00:00

So anyway, why are YOU so messed up?

Haha. Well to be honest I don't like putting my problems on other people. At this point in my life I am an adult and take responsibility for my development. I also don't like to speak badly about my family, they're only human but did the best for me.

My mum is who I always looked up to growing up because of her success in the corporate world, and it's because of her I'm starting my own business and believe I can be successful, because if she can come from literal poverty to where she is now (decent middle class level job) I can go from my upbringing to wherever I want.

She always was the breadwinner rather than my dad, but I never really questioned this or thought it was weird growing up, I was just proud to be born from someone so successful.

My dad is not so successful, he is doing the same part-time job he did when he was 18. I know my mum is lowkey disappointed about this even though she doesn't like to admit it because, well, she actually told me herself she wanted to be a SAHM and couldn't because my dad wasn't capable of providing that lifestyle.

But regardless they are still together and still have a happy marriage all these decades later. I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors of course, but I think they do make each other happy even if the situation they ended up in isn't what they planned.

As for how this affected me... I dunno, really. I naturally grew up with a positive view of more "egalitarian" gender dynamics. I hold women up to a high standard as a result, I don't mean that in the sense I expect them to mother me, but rather I expect them to be ambitious and intelligent and pull their weight because that's all I saw my mum do her whole life. The whole "ohh I'm just a girl I need a man to help me" shit just makes me go nah fuck off.

And like I said I also have the view that I've got the ability to be successful myself because I saw my mum achieve so much coming from a far worse position than me.

But I also know my mum blames herself too much for my problems. She thinks my depression and all my shitload of other mental health issues are her fault because she's a bad parent. I think that's bullshit. It is possible the way she parented me when I was younger (1-16) messed me up a bit, because she didn't have her shit together back then like she does now, but I still wouldn't blame her for my problems.

She only did her best for me and did what she thought was right to help me. She was never malicious or abusive or anything. But her family were horrible to her as a child, so no wonder she has her own issues. I can't blame her for that.

And my dad he has his own issues too but he's buried them down so deep I don't even know what they are.

I'm reminded of this famous poem by Philip Larkin:

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Indeed. My parents, with the best of intentions, may have fucked me up because their parents fucked them up. But now I'm a grownup I'm not having any kids of my own so the cycle ends here.

IncomeByEtnicity · 2018-07-11T18:39:09+00:00

This is gold. Nothing beats good Parenting. And it is the Single greatest indicator of how you approach relationships and how you deal with problems.

I've had 12 sexual partners in my 20s before getting married at 32. None of them had English/Scottish Surnames because I found their genetic stock to:

-> Fuel more Broken homes

HTMLPagemaster · 2018-07-13T21:26:59+00:00

I’ve only really told my girlfriend this because it’s painful. Hobey ho, lets go!

Some of my earliest memories are of my parents arguing and fighting. My parents got divorced (more on that later) and, of course, my mother won custody. We lived impoverished. We had a house to live in, ramen with bread most nights for food. Electricity was hit or miss. We, my four siblings and I, never really saw my father much. A couple times a month until he won a legal battle again which got us with him Wednesdays and every other weekend. While my dad got his situation better, our mom’s got worse. There were some god awful things happening so she moved to Colorado and took us with her as she still had primary custody. I began to despise my dad for never being with us and never seeming to care about us. Missing appointments, never being around. I was angry at him for everything in our lives. I grew up very left leaning politically because of it until I reached college. One day while going to visit him he sat me down and showed me all of the documents from the divorce to present day.

My mom had divorced him. He kept the letter where she had written him saying that if he tried to get us back she would charge him with molesting us and raping her, (it goes without saying that he never sexually touched any of us). When she divorced him he was paying $2700 in child support every month and he was barely keeping his head afloat. He was working three jobs but when he came up $100 short on child support she got his license suspended. Cutting his ability to do his jobs. Their neighbors in apartments at the time had taken pictures of her bringing men into the household and recordings of them making sex noises on tape.

I veered very hard to the right after that. Straight into incel territory. I despised women. I genuinely believed women were conniving deceivers who would stop at nothing to destroy a man if they couldn’t get something from them.

The only reason I found my way out of it was through psychology and an acid trip where I realized that it wasn’t the worlds fault for these things happening, it was just people being people. My mother is a narcissist and I’ve come to terms with it. Reading some Jordan Peterson and Jungian psychology has helped me immensely whether people like them or not.

TL;DR Mom demonized dad, hated dad. Dad showed mom was the bad, hated women. Came to better conclusion through acid trip.

petrichordium · 2018-07-10T19:57:59+00:00

My mother was raised dirt-poor on a subsistence farm, under circumstances commonly associated with John Steinbeck novels about the Great Depression. My father is a feral alpha raised in a gigantic Polish clan in New England. They eloped a few months after they met, when my father, one of the lucky ones called up in LBJ's big 1965 draft call, was stationed at Fort Sill shortly before he left for Vietnam.

I've talked before about how my dad raised me. He inherited his temperament from his mother, who inherited it from her father. I inherited it from him, although my mother's influence (see below) has attenuated it sufficiently that I can do things like build a career. Our elder son has inherited it from me, although hopefully his father's influence will temper it some. It has been interesting to trace these personality characteristics through the generations.

My mother tiger mommed the absolute shit out of me. Her single biggest lifetime regret is having left college to marry my dad, and that informed every aspect of how I was raised. I got all Bs on my first 5th grade report card and she grounded me for the rest of the year. If I failed to perform, she turned cold as ice. She has always favored my younger sister, although she would deny it to her last breath, and I believe that she believes that she doesn't.

Neither of my parents ever ever ever explicitly instructed me on anything at all regarding romantic relationships, but after being raised by my dad, there is zero chance that I could ever be with a man who is not extremely masculine, and indeed, Mr. Upton is extremely masculine. Our marriage works because we complement one another's strengths and compensate for one another's weaknesses. His parents are divorced and he saw how it affected his brother and sister, so he is strongly motivated to make it work. My parents are still together after 52 years.

bananadragon0 · 2018-07-10T23:04:17+00:00

I’ll try to sum it up as much as I can. Important part to remember* My mom was married before but her husband cheated on her with her sister (my aunt) . My parents got together because my dad lied about his age to my mother. My mom asked him if he had kids he said no, they got married. Turns out that he had kids and was still very much involved with the mother of his kid. My mother forgave him they had 4 kids in total . During their marriage my father constantly used my mother for money. She always payed for our school, lunch, clothes anything that we needed. Where my father had one job just pay the house . He couldn’t do that ,always got angry with her if she didn’t give him money. They would fight about money all the time .She got cancer and still had to work because my father said he would leave her if she didn’t . He used the money she gave him to go on vacation trips by himself and to buy himself and other women things. Which brings me to the next point he cheated on my mom a ton of times which I knew and my mom knew. None of my other siblings knew I just always happened to be at the wrong place at the right time. So my father hated me for knowing his “secrets “ . He later brought his first son with the other women to our house and tried kicking us out. Keep in mind he never cared about his son, that fell threw and it turned out my dad wasn’t paying the house . So we lost the house and my dad left with another women and my moms still struggling to stay afloat . My parents relationship made me hate men, but still I was always looking for a relationship with anyone who gave me attention. As I got older I realized my mom was also at fault for allowing her self to be stepped on all her life. So it made me rethink relationships. Don’t look for someone to love you love yourself. Sorry for it being long also sorry if there is mistakes.

RockinSocksII · 2018-07-10T19:06:13+00:00

Not great. My dad has a personality disorder, so people have to work around his "schedule". As you can imagine, this doesn't work so good for relationships. My mom stuck it out as long as she could, but he eventually stopped making time in his "schedule" for her, so things went down hill pretty fast.

He's somehow tricked another woman and is getting married soon. If she's smart, she will leave him within a year or so.

Basically, this has made me decide never to get married so I don't end up in this situation.

Edit: the downvote button isn't a disagree button. Read the sidebar for guidelines of conduct.

carefreevermillion · 2018-07-10T21:32:40+00:00

Disclaimer: I'm over most of this.

1 I'm the 5th child out of 8 siblings. Multiple kids in multiple relationships/marriages, so it was a hot mess in terms of familial stability. Completely fucked with my understanding of healthy relationships from the get-go.

Result? Felt unnoticed and unwanted.

My parents never married because my dad has a serious wandering dick problem and Bipolar 2, while my mother is a SJW and extremely strong, stubborn personality. Lovely combo.

Result? I believed I was doomed to ruin relationships because I share the high sex drive problem with my dad and I've got my mother's stubbornness.

I developed major trust issues after a family member began to sexually abuse me. I told my mother and while she did the best she could to protect me, but the abuse continued so I stopped trusting adults.

Result? Serious anxiety around men, nightmares, and a 6-8 month period of flashbacks when I finally had a breakdown.

Because of my father's Bipolar 2 and my mother's relationship with my stepfather, I've always believed men always needed to be taken care of by their partners and were bumbling idiots without women to guide them.

Result? Highly controlling and aggressive towards men when I did engage.

My older sister convinced me my stepdad hated us because we weren't his, and his social ineptitude worsened the problem.

Result? Reinforced feelings of worthlessness and distrust of men.

First serious relationship was physically and sexually abusive.

Result? Validated everything my childhood taught me.

How did I go about fixing it?

I forgave everyone who hurt me. I accepted that I could not control my past but I could control how I reacted to it. And I don't date people who haven't also been through some rough family shit, because you can't ask someone to marry into a family like mine if they don't actually understand how difficult fucked up families are to deal with.

Result? I'm no longer afraid of men, I have nightmares very rarely instead of every night, I trust my BF and friends a great deal more, and I can handle and communicate with my family members in more productive ways.

Title	Q4All: How did parental and other relationships you saw growing up influence your views?
Author	petrichordium
Upvotes	19
Comments	109
Date	July 10, 2018 6:04 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8xrqog/q4all_how_did_parental_and_other_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-how-did-parental-and-other-relationships-you.261589 https://theredarchive.com/post/261589

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