This quarantine is making me reconsider if my boyfriend really is high value. Help!
Tl;de at the end.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for five months now. I was pretty sure he was high value but now I’m not so sure. None of my rl friends follow FDS strategies and they think I’m being too harsh.
His HV traits:
My bf is caring, doting, never plays games with me, has great communication (we never fight), writes me daily even on days he’s busy, he pays for all dates, has taken me on weekend getaways with all expenses paid by him (not outrageously expensive places but yeah), he cooks for me whenever he’s in my house and sometimes goes out of his way to make a specially good meal, he treats me like a queen, he’s never on the phone around me, has no problem putting my (ahem) pleasure above his, he rarely watches porn, he has a very healthy approach to sex, etc. Pretty much everything that a HVM should be.
HOWEVER.
LV Traits:
The main thing that bothers me is that he seems content with mediocrity. He owns like 8 shirts total (not exaggerating, unfortunately). He is apparently happy in his living arrangements since he's been there for 1.5 years.
He lives in a small studio apartment that he pays too much for and that I’m not allowed to go in. It’s never been explicitly said that I’m not allowed but I’ve taken him there to pick up stuff and he’s never invited me in. Once, he told me he’s ashamed of me being there because it's small. His studio does not have a kitchen. He relies on take out and restaurants to eat and our country has extremely strict quarantine rules so nothing is open. He doesn’t have a car and before quarantine this wasn’t a problem but now there’s no driver services working.
Because of all this he’s been staying with me.
For reference, we don’t live in a costly city. I have a two bedroom apartment with a kitchen, living room and dining room, I have a Mercedes Benz and I don’t make more money than he does. I say all this not to brag but so you see the difference in our lifestyles.
When he stays with me he cooks most of the time but that might be because he enjoys it and I hate it. He leaves his water or coffee cups everywhere. I usually do the dishes but sometimes he does them for me. Sometimes he takes out the trash for me but I don’t think this is something to congratulate him for. I mean if he’s staying with me, he created part of that trash.
He hasn’t once offered to buy groceries for me despite the fact that we’re using all of my food and I’ve had to go grocery shopping a few times now.
I guess I’m just stir crazy from being stuck with him (I’m used to living alone) and I wish he had a proper place to go to. This week I’m not with him and he’s made a few comments about eating junk food for dinner and I feel bad but I just don’t care. I don’t want to have to take care of him. He’s 35 he should have a proper apartment and a proper car and it bothers me that he doesn’t. He earns significantly more than me, he shouldn't be living this way.
My best friend said it's my turn to pay for things since pre-covid he used to pay for everything and that I ask for too much and that he's a good guy and I just have unreasonably high standards. Especially because my last two ex's were filthy rich. I do like luxury. I like nice things. I have good fashion sense, I invest in good outfits.
I really like him and I think he's great and I'm wondering if it's worth waiting a bit more for him to move and get a car but the fact that he seems okay with his lifestyle, his lack of clothes, his apartment, it really upsets me.
TL;DR: Boyfriend has lots of hvm traits and he’s genuinely a good man but his living arrangements are not good, doesn’t invite me to his place ever, doesn’t have a car, seems content with mediocre clothing. Am I being a bad person for being upset at his not-so-luxurious lifestyle?
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She hasn’t even seen the inside of his apartment, it’s because he’s leading a whole ass double life. At best with a gf, at worse, a wife and kids. Oh and he’s lying about income.
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I thought he was straight out of college by your description but 35? A grown ass man who relies on junk food and takeouts? Nah sis.
Also if he stays in your apartment, he’s already freeloading off you because he got all that water, electricity, gas (and possibly rent) for free. There’s no way you should pay for anything else. You’re not his mother.
[–]salsa_de_tomateFDS Newbie[S] 47 points48 points49 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[+]mightbethrowawayyy21 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Yeah that’s a red flag. It seems like he can’t properly take care of/clean after himself. And as you said he left water and coffee all over the place.
Just because he’s financially well off doesn’t mean he’s capable of taking care of himself, and it’s likely he’s looking for a nanny.
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[+]thesleeplesss12 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Yikes he's 35!!! Wow, I was not expecting that, he's not changing for you. This is a LVM with no ambition or drive.
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First of all, five months is not an awfully long time. You should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, which is why it’s difficult to determine if a guy is HV after five months of dating. Secondly, it seems like you were aware of his living situation before he moved in with you. You need to ask yourself if this bothers you enough for it be a dealbreaker. There are certain traits that every HV man has, but the rest is kinda up to you to figure out. If he is happy with his current arrangement, then I don’t think it’s worth trying to change him. You are his partner, not his mother. His desire to change or improve should come from him. Thirdly, why did he move in with you? Was he unable to find somewhere else to live during the lockdown?
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[+]BasieSkanks38 points [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
If he’s staying majority of the week with you, then he’s moved in. I think it’s far too soon to have a boyfriend over that often, especially when you’ve been dating for five months. As women, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking is somehow our responsibility to solve a man’s problems, but it isn’t. The fact is, you’re unhappy with the situation, and that should tell you all you need to know. Learn to trust your intuition.
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And he's not even paying for groceries, let alone rent or utilities.
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