Where did it come from

Taking your husbands last name isn’t done in all cultures. For those of us in Western countries that do consider this a tradition, it comes from England in the middle ages. If we go back far enough, taking your guys surname has some “women as property” implications but we’re not in 1200 AD anymore and the rationales have morphed considerably; so let’s not focus on that as a reason, shall we. We can leave that to feminism and I’m sure they have a lot to say about it.

By the 1600’s the idea had combined with religious doctrine that recognized that when married the couple had become one person, spiritually and legally. Now doesn’t that sound much nicer. That carries us through to where we are today. You may see it differently depending on whether you’re coming from a religious or secular background, but ultimately, it’s a sign that a couple has become it’s own individual family unit.

From fairly early on, there were women who wished to keep their own family name rather than take their husband’s name. This was done formally and informally but the 1970s were hardly the first time that women were keeping their own names. It’s been a decision that some (usually upper class) women have being making for hundreds of years. Overall however, it has become quite common to take your husbands name and become one family with him. It started in England and moved outward.

Some states passed laws that forced the issue but these were all off the books by the 1970s.

this article has a pretty good history of the practice and those who have opposed it over the years

My experience

I never thought I’d do anything but change my name. My mother gave me a quite long full name and said “It doesn’t matter, you’ll change it when you are older” As a result, I grew up with no real attachment to my maiden name and used to joke that one of my prerequisites for a spouse was someone with a very short surname.

The reason I wanted to write about this is that when I did go to change it, I experienced a momentary loss of identity that hit me hard and I never expected. It’s no longer the easy decision that it was once upon a time. I’m sure that my grandmother was excited as can be when she became Mrs. Poppop.

The first problem is that it takes a few weeks for the marriage license to come in. If you aren’t aware, you need the marriage license before you can start changing everything. So there is a delay in between the highs of the wedding and the down and dirty work of going through all your bank accounts and letting them know you are now someone else. And I did feel like I was someone else.

I had to change my email at work, which was so aesthetically pleasing and balance before (my first name and maiden name each had 8 letters, it was appealing to my faux-OCD).

I had to decide how to handle social media. I wasn’t in touch with most of these people in real life anymore, what would happen if someone came out of the woodwork and suddenly couldn’t find me!

I briefly thought about hyphenating; something I swore I would never do.

I suddenly would have less of a connection to my extended family. My siblings both still had our family name. Heck, my brother was marrying a girl who had MY first name - she was going to take my name!!

Somehow, giving up my maiden name was really impacting me. In my mind Mrs. WithaBike was some woman who I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure who she was yet and she was coming in to take over. I’d been me for 30 years, and suddenly there was this new chick who I was going to be and it was more difficult than I ever anticipated.

Some women have it even harder than I do. I didn’t have a career where I was known by my maiden name. I wasn’t writing anything under my maiden name. I didn’t have a doctorate where I was published under my maiden name. I was going to an easier surname rather than a more difficult one. I wasn’t attached to my maiden name. And while I love my parents dearly, my mother had prepared me for this all my life.

And it was still a real internal struggle.

Now

Now I’m happy I did it. I actually haven’t regretted the decision at all. It was important to my Husband, though we had never discussed it prior. He’s thrilled that I share his name, and you know, I am too. Once I was used to it, it stopped sounding so strange to my ears and stopped feeling like it was another person I hadn’t yet become.

Married ladies: how did you feel when you changed your name. Did you change it? Did you talk about it with him or was it just assumed? Single ladies: what do you plan to do? Are there any RPW who are hesitant about taking their SO’s name at marriage?