Please talk some sense into me age gap

sikedyke · 2021-02-23T22:36:25+00:00

Imagine yourself as a 35 year old woman. Could you date a 22 year old?

thewetdog_ · 2021-02-23T22:17:59+00:00

You need to read the handbook. Yes the age gap is terrible and you can do so much better. And also, you say you want to approach this guy yourself? Let this guy be. No man should Make you feel this desperate, for any reason. Study the handbook and embrace growth.

Frogspocket · 2021-02-23T23:53:53+00:00

I had a huge crush on a man in his 30's. since he was an actual HV man he full stop refused to date me because of the age gap. He tried to get it through my head that it's predatory and sad for older men to date young women (he was right) and that I would look back on it one day and find it hilarious and embarassing that I ever crushed on him (like i said, yep he was right). At the time I was hurt because i had never been rejected before and then when he got with a girl his own age i was so insulted that my youth didn't "win" me his attention over her. CRINGE, oh god, the cringe.

Anyway in the midst of my heartbreak I ended up dating a different guy who was ALSO in his 30s and was very much LV. Because of course he was. He was willing to date a college kid, duh of course he's gonna be trash. But i had to learn be hard way. That relationship fucked up my life for years the way relationships with LV men always do. I honestly believe large age gaps with people under 25 are inherently abusive. Because here's a secret you don't learn til you have life experience behind you: 35 year old men who do date 22 year olds are always LV. 100 percent of the time, point blank, no exceptions. To the average sane 35 year old 22 is so young. I'm 26 and 22 is young to ME and I'm closer to your age than he is. PLEASE learn from us who have learned the hard way. making big "love" driven decisions when you're young can ruin years of your life. Please omg please just go FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO CRUSH ON. Treat it like homework. Treat it like your life depends on it, because it kinda does. Find an age appropriate crush or 2 to direct your infatuation into. Omg. Besides, girl ew don't approach him. You know better than that.

...And i dont mean to project this onto you; just letting you know something i learned through therapy: i had this whole thing where I was drawn to older men because being younger than them made me feel like i was more desirable and it brought a (false) sense of security. It was an insecurity thing.

companyofwolves · 2021-02-23T22:26:29+00:00

Read the handbook, sis.

You can stop feeling this way. It's not as hard as you're making it out to be. Yes, age gaps are terrible, but they're especially terrible when it's younger-woman-older-man because the power imbalance that society has made between men and women only deepens significantly when you add the gap of age/experience.

We're not here to reassure you that you should give this guy a try - that is not what this subreddit is for. Stay away from this man. Quit telling yourself you are "helpless" to your attraction: that is total bullshit that the patriarchy has set up to give people an excuse for bad behavior, lack of morals, and poor decision making. He ain't all that - he's a fucking thirty-five year old man. In five year he'll be forty. In five years you will still be in your twenties.

-pop-fizz-clink · 2021-02-23T23:33:10+00:00

Sis. Listen to me.

I was 21 and he 32 (and quickly 33, he is born in 77 and I in 88).

Don't do it.

You're quite young. I was you and I was too naive and starstruck by a handsome charming and seemingly wealthy man.

Who ended up stealing my youth, destroying my future, caused an eating disorder, mental illness and other medical issues, took out a credit card in my name, told me to quit my job but then isolated me and eventually imprisoned me in our house which he then kicked me out of for one of the many women he was cheating with. No friends, no family. Getting back on my feet was a nightmare. Sexual, financial, physical, emotional abuse took place. If you're able to think it, it happened.

He used my nïavety as a weapon against me.

Now, I am 32 and I wish I had never met him. I'd be much further ahead today.

Do you know why he's attracted to you? Because you have less life experience. You are far more malleable than a woman his own age.

I am sure you are amazing, beautiful, intelligent and poised. I was too. It's taken many difficult years of building myself back up. I don't want to see this happen to anyone else. It's the single largest mistake I have ever made.

Yes, age does matter and no it's not jUsT a NuMbeR. Not when you're 22 and he's 35. No. I would never date a 22 year old at my current 32. Why? We are in very different places. Even if he was very kind and funny and smart and /or had more material things and a better job than me, that life experience between 20-30 is ASTRONOMICAL and absolutely pivotal. I thought I knew everything at 21. I didn't know shit.

ALISHAISHERE123 · 2021-02-23T23:23:57+00:00

If he dates 22 yr olds at 35+, he'll probably do the same at 40, 50, and maybe go with even younger women.You don't know where the boundary is with him. If at 35 he doesn't have the sense to not shag someone super young( even if you initiate), there probably is something a tad bit off with him and that doesn't disappear with age, it most likely gets worse. Maybe if you were 35+ a 10-13 yr gap wouldn't entail this level of power imbalance and creepiness, but late teens to early twenties is very young compared to a 35+ yr old and their life experience. Trust that when your 35, you'll be disgusted if anyone was going for 22 yr olds. It's not bad for young people to have crushes, but it would be super predatory for an older person to turn that into something more than that, whether you're up for it or not. Don't play into this girl, you know better!

millennialpink2000 · 2021-02-23T22:31:38+00:00

Girl, run. Do not chase this man (or any man).

You are not the exception (trust me, I've been there thinking I was too), this is not a Disney movie. A 35 year old should NOT be interested in a 22 year old. What on earth does a new college grad have in common with a mid-30s guy? Nothing.

I challenge you to interrogate the feelings you have for him. Oftentimes, these crushes stem from boredom. I advise filling up your life with activities you like and new friends your own age. Go check out meetup.com in your area, join a trivia team, start a book club, invite friends to a virtual wine tasting etc etc.

While you're building your dream life, he'll feel like a blip on your radar. You are the greatness in your life. *hugs*

Meredeen · 2021-02-24T01:25:47+00:00

Girl I dated a 27 y/o man when I was 19 and now that I'm in my mid twenties I would NEVER date anyone who is still a teen, I'm sure if I was 35 I'd feel the same way about a 22 y/o. There is a vast difference of life experience between a 22 y/o and a 35 y/o. The issue with age gap relationships is they can (and do) use your inexperience to their advantage. My ex definitely tried to but I had the sense to leave before it got too bad. He pushed my boundaries and lied about shit. Please be careful.

Mcccy · 2021-02-23T22:47:52+00:00

Hi sis, I know you're crushing over him, but your age gap isn't the best. You just finished school (or you still are in school) while he probably doesn't even remember his school life. He also has more dating and life experience than you. Even if he doesn't, he's still old enough to think in a completely different way than you, 20 year olds and 30 year olds may not LOOK that different but believe me, the way we perceive and think is completely different at those ages.

Sure not all age gaps relashionships are horrible, but when they are 7+ years is just too much. I doubt you could find anything in common with him to talk about. The things that interest you will probably seem too 'little' for him and vice versa.

It may seem okay now, but think few years afterwards. He's almost 40, he's gonna have body aches and stuff in few years, while you'll only be 30. You'll want to do stuff he will physically not be able to, or won't have the energy to do so.

soleirolias · 2021-02-23T23:17:36+00:00

you and i are the same age and nooo! don’t do that. i’m imagining myself now compared to where i’d like to be at 35, and even though i’m nice and all, who i hope 35 y/o me will be would probably not hang out with current me. just because of life experience differences and how much i’d like to grow in the next 13 years. and if i think about a man that much older, he’s probably in a position of financial power over me in a relationship, and brings up the question of why he can’t find someone his own age? what will it be like if you two are older together? will you become his caretaker without an escape?

i’m not judging you at all, but asking you to reconsider! you know what’s right, or you wouldn’t be asking ✨💕

BaffledBazaar · 2021-02-24T00:28:17+00:00

A friend married a man 11 years older than her. It wasn't terrible the first year. However, the age difference inevitably caught up with them. She matured and what she wanted at 23 was different than what she wanted at 30.

ironglaciers · 2021-02-23T22:28:46+00:00

Age gaps in this case are less than ideal because you are at very different mental stages in life. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to adults but acting on this may be a different matter.

BlazingHazard · 2021-02-23T23:43:51+00:00

You owe it to yourself to forget that guy and focus on yourself sis

Maude2010 · 2021-02-24T02:48:33+00:00

He’s too old for you. And you shouldn’t be approaching anyone.

rideoffalone · 2021-02-24T00:54:32+00:00

If he hasn't made a move on you yet, it means he's not that into you. Move on with someone closer to your age.

Honestly_th0 · 2021-02-24T06:20:29+00:00

Just one more thing to add: you’re not going to be on the same (or even similar) level financially and that will make it all the easier for him to use money to try to control you and keep you around. He ain’t all that, trust me. And please stop approaching men. I used to do this and even if you end up with him, he will never, ever appreciate you. He’ll feel like the prize and actually expect you to do increasingly more for him, which frees up his time to find someone he’d rather be with 🤦🏻‍♀️

puddlesteps · 2021-02-24T02:35:14+00:00

Age gaps , wasn’t made aware of them until FDS. After reviewing my experiences, and looking at relationships around me, I can say that FDS is right unfortunately

OrangeyPanda · 2021-02-24T05:40:47+00:00

No HVM would date a woman that much younger then him. It's a red flag for a man to not date women his own age.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2021-02-24T05:41:25+00:00

Being someone who dated at an age gap, they're abusive, manipulative pieces of shit. My first NVM boyfriend was 30. I was 17. Thats the same age gap where you're at. What does a creep of that age have in common with someone still in highschool? He sexually assaulted me, isolated me, forced a pregnancy, then his family took that child from me.

Fast forward to when I was 19, newly lost my child. 37 year old scrote moved in on me. Took my trauma and exploited it. I married him. Had two kids with him. Turned out he was a pornsick loser who decimated my self esteem, cheated on me, threw me into anorexia, beat me, and I finally left him. He took my kids for the first few years until CPS determined he was abusing our children and turned them over to me.

Fast forward to the age of 25, dated this 55 year old " nice guy". Though he didn't lay a hand on me, he decimated my self esteem. Nothing I did was good enough for him. He told me how "embarrassed" of me he was since I had stretch marks and was too tall for him. Told me he hated that I played guitar sang, wrote music, and could draw. Dumped him after 9 months.

Another fast forward to a guy who was 51. He nearly ended my life with a strangulation attempt. He was slipping syrup of ipecac (induces vommiting) into my coffee to sabotage my birth control. I got pregnant, and he forced me into an abortion (though I didn't want his kid anyhow) bit he beat me, punched me in the stomach every day until I got my abortion. A month later, he tried to end me. I left, in shambles, but I survived.

Fast forward to the final boss of scrotes; age 60 (because I thought that older men "had it together and were past their fucking around phase"). This fucker destroyed me the most. He love bombed me, had the same interests, showed me I've that I never thought existed. It ended in him smashing two of my front teeth out, gaslighting, draining my bank account whole calling me a mooch despite me making more than him (whilst stealing from me), and a false police report about assault with a weapon which I was eventually proven innocent of, and him getting me fired from two of my jobs.

I thought men had it together and were ready to settle down. No. They're all scrotes. They all wanted to mold me into something they wanted, to the point of exasperating my eating disorder, and they still called me fat. I'm married to a hvm who's 1½ years younger than me. Working out well now. Leave the old dusties in the trash, sis.

esthermaniii · 2021-02-24T10:03:46+00:00

Please don’t do it. I’ve been the 22 year old who went on dates with a 35 year old man. I’m glad it never worked out because he already showed signs of negging and emotional abuse from the beginning.

A HVM that’s 35 years old wouldn’t date a 22 year old. They’re only after you because of the power imbalance. They have more money, they have their life figured out... they become the prize!

Extra-Tadpole4909 · 2021-02-24T12:28:31+00:00

I honestly think, if an older man payed so much attention to a young woman. She will be a cumdump slave that bears him sons. Locked like a pet in the house and given money on his terms.

Oh wait, this has been done and still IS happening...

What I learned from observing this is even as a woman, I shouldn't do any shortcuts about my growth.

Sure we are valued, even having high value - but everything in life has to be sustained. You don't get to skip pain in life just because you're a woman. So yeah, better to struggle young than to be old and miserable.

jasmine-blossom · 2021-02-24T01:23:08+00:00

I’m in an age gap relationship, but I’m 30, and in your late 20’s and beyond, the life differences between two people of a slightly larger age gap are much less dramatic, because both people typically have settled into their lives, careers, and selves to a certain extent. I would not recommend an age gap relationship to anyone, and certainly didn’t anticipate myself choosing one. At your age, and this is not me talking down to you at all, but you still have so much settling into yourself to do. The experience gap between you is much larger, and the risk due to power imbalance is far greater. There is so much growth that happens especially in your early to mid twenties, you do not want to be held back by someone who is in such a different stage of life.

relationship_reddit · 2021-02-24T05:38:09+00:00

When you're 37, he'll be 50!

pugaczalla · 2021-02-24T10:59:22+00:00

Do you want to have children? If yes, imagine that you get pregnant at around 30-35 (after you finished your education and established yourself in the job market - please secure yourself financially before getting pregnant). Do you want to raise a kid with an older father? He’ll be in his mid to late forties and early fifties when the kid is very young. First of all, the pregnancy will be higher risk since the sperm quality drops after early thirties (aka dusty sperm). Second of all, will a fifty year old man have the energy to help you around and keep up with the kids? Or will he be tired all the time and not very interested in being an active dad? Children take a lot of energy.

I personally can’t imagine giving kids to an older man. All I can see is me wanting to go on adventure with kids, show them the world around etc. and him wanting to snore and watch TV after work. Not to mention he might literally die in his mid fifties/early sixties from heart attack (like my grandpa in early fifties!!) and you’re suddenly left alone with 10, 12 year olds.

chateauduchat · 2021-02-25T04:42:45+00:00

Hey sis. Please don’t go after them.

I won’t go into details but if you need even further details you can always look into my post and comment history. I was roped into a relationship with a narcissist who was two decades older than me and it was the most traumatizing abusive relationship of my life.

A year later I’m still undergoing therapy after escaping. I met a wonderful man through work (although I think it’s too soon to tell of he’s HV since we’ve known each other for about 6 months) but it has been by far the most honorable man I’ve ever met in my life. He’s my age. He’s gone above and beyond to be there for me. I won’t go into details since our relationship is still new but I truly am in love with him. It’s the first healthy love that I’ve ever had.

Please don’t let an older man coerce you into being with him. Men that much older have no business being with women your age. Please listen to the wise women on here too. 💕 we and the Handbook are your friends.

kitkatnyc · 2021-02-24T05:44:18+00:00

RUN AWAY! He is 13 years older than you! You are 22, someone 13 years younger than you is a 9 year old- Would you date a 9 year old right now?

Vmwvi · 2021-02-24T05:55:54+00:00

Would you date a 9 year old? Because that's how old you were when he was 22.

companyofwolves · 2021-02-23T22:17:45+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Please talk some sense into me age gap
Author	Equivalent_Search178
Upvotes	74
Comments	46
Date	February 23, 2021 7:55 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lqregy/please_talk_some_sense_into_me_age_gap/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/please-talk-some-sense-into-me-age-gap.752755 https://theredarchive.com/post/752755

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