Drinking problem

SpiritualEnema · 2023-09-14T14:11:41+00:00

Read the stories of others here my brother. This is a defect in women and western society in general. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Throw yourself into a fitness goal and read The Rational Male, and No More Mr Nice guy. Learn about the light switch effect.

Please stop drinking. I also drank too much when I started. It was a waste of my time and focus and ultimately made me MORE DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS. Or if it’s too hard to stop right away, cut it back to 2-3 days/week and go from there. You’re better than this. Your kids, the world in general, and other men need you. We are stronger than our trials and tribulations!

CrazySanta7 · 2023-09-14T14:19:14+00:00

I have always been a beer drinker, but I acted like a 21 year old after divorce. It definitely escalated. I was going out, hooking up with women, etc. (kids were at their moms). Guess what? It did not make me feel any better. I knew my kids would pick up on my behavior. I stopped drinking 3 years ago, and it was not easy for me. I did not want to continue a family cycle. My daughter decided to live with me 100% 2 years ago. I drank enough in my younger years to last me a lifetime. I'm more focused, in shape, and work is fantastic. You can't change the past.....

soontobesolo · 2023-09-14T14:12:19+00:00

I did for a little while during the bad parts. It doesn't solve anything, of course, but it does dull it. But it's a dangerous path to continue, as you know.

I'm glad you recognize your path to normal.

Eventually it will get better, trust me. I tell everyone what worked for me. Get therapy, seriously. Hit the gym EVERY DAY, especially if you find one that is social (like classes). You need it for your soul, and the side benefit is that you'll be more attractive when it's time to date. If you can, lean on your buddies a little. Get some distractions.

Eventually you'll meet someone(s) new and realize you're far, far better off now than you were before. You can enjoy your kids as much as possible, but live for yourself first. You will rebuild, and you will be happy. It takes time though.

CB33isGMC · 2023-09-15T06:51:15+00:00

Hey man you’re only human.

Losing your family is traumatic and people tend to trivialize a man losing everything he’s ever worked for.

Sometimes you just gotta dull that pain to survive.

I’ve been there.

The darkness doesn’t last forever, though, and hopefully you can reduce your need for “pain relief” over time.

Until then, fuck everybody’s perceptions and do what you gotta do to cope.

MrEpicMustache · 2023-09-14T18:29:13+00:00

If she’s introducing your kids to a new man after 3 months after divorce, and dropped the “not happy anymore” on you … it was 100% an affair.

Duchesst · 2023-09-14T14:55:37+00:00

Lol my ex complained when i drank, yesterday when i saw her she offered me a beer

jimsmythee · 2023-09-14T14:38:05+00:00

I was the opposite. I started drinking a lot just to deal with being with my now exwife. I’d get home and would need 3+ drinks just to deal with her.

Once I filed and out on my own and she was gone? I noticed that I didn’t need to drink anymore. It went from 3+ drinks each night to 3 drinks in a month.

Funny thing is she got remarried. And when I would go over to pick up my kids, I would see empty bottles of booze (the kind I knew she didn’t like) in their garbage cans. And she complained that he was drinking too much. Can’t imagine why?

berniefl44 · 2023-09-14T14:13:26+00:00

It’s not easy dealing with alcohol. Alcohol takes away the pain and depression but usually only temporarily. It also takes away from the boredom especially if you get a buzz everyday. It’s an easy trap to fall into… the only way to stop it is “will power” you have to have a strong will power…that can only be done on a day by day basis… but it can be done….

boltmaker12 · 2023-09-14T22:41:40+00:00

I had a little rule for myself when the ink was still wet on the divorce papers. If there was a night alone where I was feeling like shit or maybe the ex had sent me some nasty emails that day, I was to not use anything other than my brain as a coping mechanism that night. That meant for me no.... alcohol, video games, porn, or women that night. I didn't have a problem with most of those on most nights. I just didn't want to create a dependency.

I took lots of walks at night to clear my head.

blacksun48 · 2023-09-14T23:53:09+00:00

Look up Allen Carr Easy Way to Stop Drinking. It will address all of the reasons you are actually drinking.

Second, it gets better. I went from not having a job (or a custody order) to making well into the six figures & being the primary parent. You just have to get out there and face the days as they come.

whenwillthehurtstop · 2023-09-15T01:32:46+00:00

Dude, stop.

When she first left, i stayed sober as a judge for 3 months, working on myself, trying to get through it.

She had me falsely charged with some bullshit and i went downhill. I was consuming a bottle of whiskey every 2-3 days for almost 2 months. I almost died one night, when i decided that i didnt really care if i woke up. My brother found me passed out in my backyard after my family got worried after i didnt answer my nightly phonecall with my mom. Thank god he showed up when he did. I probably wouldnt have made it through the night. Ive been sober for 3 months now and never felt better.

My mind is clear. I know what i have to do to protect myself and my kids. I dont care what shes doing, as long as it doesnt affect the kids. Most importantly, im happier than i have been in years.

ColdHandGee · 2023-09-14T15:01:30+00:00

Tractor, i know exactly how you feel. I was married for 25yrs to an abusive evil wife. She left me in june 2020 leaving me with the kids. I had to do everyrhing and still work. I was begging for her to come home not realising she had a new man.

She came home december 2020 and that was when the abuse ramped up. By june 2021 i was gone. She took me to the cleaners: left me with nothing but bitter memories.

I was drinking when she left the 1st time. It took my father to make me see since and stop drinking. I have been sober in nearly 2yrs. Lost my beer belly, took up cycling running and the gym. I feel and look amazing. Worked on my mental physical financial and spiritual health. Currently single as i am too busy with my parents kids and work.

You need to stop drinking that poison. All you are doing is numbing the pain. You need to become sober and grieve the ending of your marriage. Let the ex live her life. You just concentrate on you and your babies. Make sure you video call them daily. They won't be babies for long, then they will be seeing their dad all the time. Become the best man for you and them.

Whenever you are feeling down or lost DM me as i empathize with your plight. Take care and don't let anyone bring you down.

upfnothing · 2023-09-14T15:33:15+00:00

I’m not just sorry this happened to you I’m frustrated and feel powerless to help you. I almost ended up in this situation but for the grace of GOD I was able to fight her misguided and harmful actions in court. Result I’m tens of thousands in debt for her grievous breach of contract. If this was a business deal we would have recourse. Just find something anything please that brings you peace of mind if even for brief moments. You are not alone in any of this. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk with.

ciscokid12345 · 2023-09-15T15:22:02+00:00

I had a similar experience myself… I started drinking vodka by the quart on a daily basis when I found out, my wife was cheating, and I was getting divorced. At some point, the vodka stopped working. It was one of the scariest days of my life. I couldn’t drink myself drunk. it just didn’t work anymore. I was thinking about killing myself. Too much anxiety and pain. Ended up going to an AA meeting instead and met a bunch of guys that were just like me. I’m five years sober now. It gets better. I have a new house, my kids like being at my place. They’re in high school now. I have a new partner who is way better looking, no kids or baggage, has a masters degree, owns a house in Palm Springs that’s paid off, and loves to care for me. I’m golfing three times a week and got a new job that pays almost double what I used to earn.

The worst thing alcohol did in my life was to make unacceptable things acceptable. It allowed me stay in a marriage to an awful vindictive, personality disorder, woman for 15 years.

sobriety has given me a gift of clarity. there is no amount of money that could get me to go back to that woman. i’m so lucky she left! Good luck to the affair guy. She’s been running him into the ground for the past 5 years.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2023-09-15T23:49:59+00:00

I drank way more than I should have for the first year by going out to be around people.....I also hired a personal trainer for that year. So between those and going to work I was just non stop keeping my mind occupied for a year +. But one day I just woke up and said I don't want to do this.....I cut back to a couple times and week and then went 2 months with nothing. Now I have it to where I go out on occasion with friends (aka my normal ways)...looking back I don't know how I did it but I just got out of bed everyday and did what I had to do.....slowly it got better and still is. It's a process and no two are the same. Now I just want to get back to my normal ways of living....its just different now being solo but at least I got through the darkest days and came out the other side....you will too!

crypto_keeper88 · 2023-09-14T15:04:17+00:00

I wouldn't say it's a problem but I got into bourbon as a hobby. I don't drink too much but I like looking for hard to find bottles and have built up a pretty sizable collection, lol. It's an expensive hobby but I have a nice bourbon bar at home now. I have about 40 bottles and I've sampled about half the bottles so far. I started an infinity bottle and just enjoy the thrill of getting those hard to find bottles at regular store prices not secondary marked up prices.

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2023-09-14T23:38:09+00:00

Water is your friend, drink that instead.

If you can’t stop find your closest AA meeting and go listen to the horrible stories.

HereinPA1 · 2023-09-14T15:02:17+00:00

Before all of this I only drank socially on the weekends. My first decision after my stbxw told me she was done was to stop completely, and I have. There is nothing to miss if you don’t drink. I knew from day one I would need a clear head each and every day to get through this.

There’s nothing to gain by drinking. But you’ll lose hangovers, spent money and having your body feel like shit.

No need to do it at all, it’s just a crutch and you need both legs to stand on.

Organic-Ad-2987 · 2023-09-14T15:39:15+00:00

I did for about 4 or 5 months. Usually about 4-6 a day. Prior to the split I hadn’t drank in years. Cut back in July then completely stopped a few weeks ago and I feel a million times better physically and mentally. Not worth it.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-09-14T16:35:16+00:00

When I read posts like this I think "God, where are you?". Then I remember its in our hands to fix these worldly problems. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Can you try to get 50/50 custody?

GreenUse1398 · 2023-09-14T18:41:16+00:00

I had a bad drinking problem for a long time, and the thing to do is just quit. Just don't do it. It'll feel weird for about 3 days, and then you'll feel better. One thing that I found really helpful, is getting up early in the morning. The earlier the better. Evenings are pretty much a waste of time, you can get all kinds of things done at 4am.

j8by7 · 2023-09-14T18:48:11+00:00

Hang on bro, don't let alcohol take you down further. That shit will not make you feel good in the end.

Start hiking or something, mountain biking!!! Anything.

If you're not an alcoholic yet, now it's definitely not the time to become one!

l3tsR0LL · 2023-09-14T19:09:48+00:00

Watching my STBXW get drunk every day for the past year has made me never want to get drunk ever again.

I stop at 2 beers. Maybe more if it is an all day barbecue or something

Good luck, take care of yourself.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2023-09-14T20:31:38+00:00

I would second guess your evaluation of infidelity, I am confident she was at the very least emotionally cheating.

probebeta · 2023-09-14T21:27:22+00:00

I was drinking way too much and smoking too during that separation turbulence. I find that doing a bit of self care helps avoid some of these bad habits. Go to gym, get active, eat well, shed weight if you have to.

Once you get to a point where your finances are ok, you look good and women notice you, cunt ex won't affect your mood as much because now you've got many other options. She, with 2 kids on toe, will see this too, but at the end of the day who cares... you do you and be a good dad. Slowly getting better for me. I have a multiple trips lined up, dates are abundant, fuck it...

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-09-15T18:53:59+00:00

Well.. I have found that coke and jack is my new go to. There is something about that flavor.. I can do days, weeks even without a drink, but then from time to time Safeway has a great sale on soda where 12 cans are like $5.. I typically buy the cans only when on sale like that instead of the 2 liter bottle cause I usually try to limit myself to about 3 to 4 shots of jack and a can of soda.. since soda is so bad for us. But I can't drink it without soda.. it burns my throat and too strong to sip slowly enough to give me a buzz fast enough. If I am drinking it, I want that elevated relaxed state.. or buzz.

... which by the way.. for those of you older.. have you noticed we dont buzz the same way we did when we were younger? I am curious why that is. I don't get a spinny buzz like I did in my 20s and 30s. Instead.. I am completely coherent in terms of my thinking, like as a software guy I do some great coding when I have had a drink.. but my ability to walk straight is slightly slower.. my reaction time is slower. It's like my coding brain works better.. more open or clear or relaxed.. but ability to react to a wall coming up as I walk is not as good, so I sometimes bump in to the wall with a shoulder or miss a step. Some would say I am drunk.. I can assure I am not. Got a breathalizer device (for my kids.. since they would come home drunk and lie to us) and I am not at the .08 level.. as a big guy 3 or 4 shots barely gets me going. Usually need 2 sodas and about 7 or 8 shots of jack to get me to the relaxed place, but at that point I am pretty sure I am over .08.. need to try that device one of these days with 2 sodas in me. It's just strange.. even the few times I got drunk in my 50s.. I absolutely hated it. Felt horrible.. back in my 20s/30s, just felt great till I passed out. Now, I can't do it. But a decent relaxed buzz state (but no buzz feeling) is good enough.

LonelyNC123 · 2023-09-16T10:25:59+00:00

I am not saying you need to join AA or anything like that. But ALOT of people use alcohol as coping mechanism for stressful life events. Overtime it does more harm that good. I speak from experience. May I make some suggestions:

> Exercise. Even if you just walk, it helps.

> Get outside more, it helps clear your head (especially if combined with exercise).

> Join a men's support group (or divorce support). It helps.

As you drink less you will have more energy to re-build your life.

Stopping alcohol won't fix your problems but it will give the clarity of mind to work on them more.

And, if you participate in group exercise, it will give you opportunities to make new friends, maybe even female friends, in a healthy, constructive fashion (and not at a bar).

Classic-Ad8157 · 2023-09-16T10:53:44+00:00

My wife served me in may of this year. I was a steady drinker and had been for a long time. I could drink beer all day starting at 8 a.m and function normally. I was able to function, change careers get promotions and take care of the kids by myself with no issues but deep down I always knew I should stop.

The day she said she wanted a divorce was the last day I drank and I intend to never drink again. I was able to pass the withdrawal fog off as the shock from her serving me. I also knew that the divorce would be a great opportunity for my drinking habit to take over my life and destroy me with my newfound stress from divorce. Not to mention it would have given her the opportunity to take my three kids away from me. I had attended AA meetings before, and a nice old man had given me a copy of the AA big book. I locked myself away at night during the first 10 days where I was detoxing and read the big book religiously and it helped me understand the disease. Eventually I will get a sponsor and work the steps completely with them. For now, I’ve lost 45 lbs and I look good and feel good. My STBXW is quite literally trying to destroy me in the divorce process and it hurts like hell, but if I was still relying on the bottle for comfort I would have destroyed myself by now. I’m dealing with all the pain/struggle in a very raw way right now and the satisfaction of tackling them sober is awesome.

We’re still working through the divorce and I’m working on my healing and loving my kids. I felt helpless 109 days ago but now I have hope for the future.

Get off the bottle, your babies need you. Deal with life’s pain unmedicated and each little victory will heal your mind, heart and soul. Find a kickass therapist and see them every week.

DONT.LET.HER. WIN!!!!!!!

Title	Drinking problem
Author	RetractingTractor
Upvotes	31
Comments	39
Date	September 14, 2023 1:59 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16ij8sj/drinking_problem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/drinking-problem.1231800 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231800

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