How would you have handled this?

Thank you for all the great advice from my previous post.

I just wanted to get some more advice, this message exchange happened a few weeks ago and it still bothers me. I hate conflict, but she loves it.

How would you have handled it? Whenever I stand up for myself it just seems to escalate.

I tried to disengage early on, but to be honest I had had enough of it by that time.

Quick background

• Suffered 15 years of narcissistic abuse, constant rages and gaslighting.
• Finally divorced now.
• Her own brother and mother have disowned her because of her behaviour over the years.
• She has made zero effort to co-parent, but will often ask for favors. (Can you take the kids on this day, or borrow clothes because they have outgrown hers).
• Have three kids.
• Incident a year ago where she turned up on my doorstep late at night and dumped the kids at me because they had angered her, and then proceeded to shout insults at me before storming off.
• Sometimes youngest (5 years old) will have a bad dream and climb into my bed. I dont bother putting her back into her bed as I figure if she needs to feel safe and secure, thats fine.
• Her new boyfriend moved into her house after 3 months of dating, so I think she's angry that she cant do the same, and instead has to sit with youngest in her room.
• Kids been through a lot in the last year, with the divorce and a grandma dying.
• During school holidays the kids drag a mattress into the biggest of their bedrooms and have a sleepover.

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Messages

Her:

In the summer holidays I wud like to ‘sleep train’ \[YOUNGEST DAUGHTER - 5 y/o\] to sleep EVERY night in her own bed alone.

This can only work if you do the same.

I know that like here she spends many nights in your bed.

I think at her age this needs to stop so everyone gets a full nights sleep

Me:

I will think about that request, sharing bedrooms is something fun and a feature of the holidays here.

Her:

Just out of interest then you don’t think

1. A 6 yr old should be able to sleep alone.
2. U don’t see how exhausted they are from sharing.
3. You don’t think literally 24 hrs together for a week is too much for anyone let alone 3 growing kids? They need their space and time alone. If for nothing else than their mental health

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Me:

Just out of interest do you not understand that “I will think about it” does not require further input from you?

Her:

Step up in the father department

Me:

Nice try.

Her:

Just out of interest do you see that I am gonna bring these kids up well and it wud be nice if u made that a little easier for them if there were consistencies at both homes.

Be easier esp for [Youngest].

But u have made it clear how far down ure list of priorities age falls

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Me:

You really are a joke. They are my priority and I am bringing them up well INSPITE of everything you have done. I will consider rules that make sense, its not for you to dictate anything.

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Her:

Oh lol! U do make me laugh!

But then ure best never was very good!

So please tell me … what are the INSPITE ifs that You have so gallantly fought against?

Oh and fyi I am not trying to dictate … I am seeing what u do to the children and trying to help them.

Me:

You must be kidding? Turning up on my doorstep with them crying and screaming at me? Getting dog after dog and then getting rid of them? Having to come to your house numerous times because you couldn’t deal with \[ELDEST CHILD\]? You cant rewrite history this time, we all know what you are.

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Her:

Oh you mean the mental breakdown I had because you and certain other people are such wonderful people?

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And coming to my house to ‘deal’ with [ELDEST CHILD] was for his benefit as well as everyone else. Funny how helping you own son is such an issue for you.

And the dogs… you know nothing about those situations so I wouldn’t comment.

Oh right so a therapist you had told you after goodness knows what lies and make believe and one sided stories you told , told you I was a narcissist . Is that correct.

Then you and my mother and [HER BROTHER] all had chat and slag off matches about said narcissistic.

Am I on track?

You are so funny!

Or was the therapist bit just a lie to get \[HER MOTHER\] on ure side? Pay for a bit more ‘stuff’ for you?

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Me:

You’re embarrassing yourself now. You are a narcissist, a terrible one. Its never your fault is it, its always everyone else’s fault.

You fell out with you mum because you physically threw her out of the house, or was that someone else’s fault as well

No one gossips about you, you’re just not that important.

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Her:

Go on then…what did u tell your ‘therapist’?

Yes I did throw her out. But why surely should be the question.

And I have the proof you were ‘ gossiping’ about me.

Be careful there as I know an awful lot about you I know you wish I didn’t.

Funny how people that have actually met you, people who have been around for many many years through our marriage. Saw the treatment you and others inflicted upon me . Heard both sides of stories sbd saw proof …. Funny what they say about you !

I think when people do what you are doing it is called mirroring!

😂

Oh and a terrible narcissist…. As opposed to what? A good one??

Me:

Why on earth would I tell you anything I discussed in therapy! Ha.

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Her:

🙄🙄🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

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Me:

Respect is a two way street, if you want it you also have to give it. You cant send me messages demanding I do anything. You can request and if I say Ill think about it, then Ill think about it. I dont have to justify myself to you. I dont ask you to justify yourself to me.

I want what is best for my children

Her:

Avoidance! Interesting

I have been asking you for over a year if not longer to sort out the bed sharing. You don’t give a shit the effect it has.

I have every right to plead my children’s case as I see what happens to them. I have also spoken to a few professionals about it and their opinions on it are not in favour of it.

But you have shown again and again that u think u know best.

But I know my children and I know what they need.

I have tried again and again to parent with u. To share things with you, to involve you.

But you are showing me you are incapable of being reasonable of being sn adult and putting the kids needs before your own ego.

I am done

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Me:

I dont know what world you’re living in, but you have never attempted to co parent. This for example, all you had to do is say “ok” when I said I would think about it, and that would have been it. We could have had this fall out if I had come back and said fuck off, but the chances were that I would have said yes. But you had to push.

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Her:

😂😂😂

Oh dear did u not do as I was told?

Was I up on my high horse again.

Tut tut